Am I just annoying or is his behavior wrong?

[wttaf]

My OH has a way of stressing me out and I want opinions on if this behavior has a name and how I can call him out. Or if I am just too easily stressed out

Yesterday we had a 1 hour motorway journey. I am a really nervous passenger when on the motorways. I don’t drive on them myself and never have. My BIL died in a car accident a few years ago (he was not on a motorway but was on a national speed limit road) and my dad once fell asleep at the wheel on a motorway and drove into the central reservation in the middle- did not crash but I was in the passenger seat. I’m Not here to discuss my fear (I know I should get over it and I did choose to go on this trip knowing it was a motorway journey)

My OH knows how scared I am. He puts his flip flops on and I say could you please wear proper shoes it makes me even more stressed.. he says no he is fine. We are on the motor way and he literally holds the steering wheel with 1 finger, occasionally taking his hands off to clap to the music (we have young children). He knows this is stressing me out really badly but he continues. He drives in the fast lane of course..
On the way home he says he is falling asleep and keeps closing his eyes. I am furious and terrified. I am talking absolute shit to him to keep him awake and asking him if he wants me to drive, he says no.

He does this a lot of the time, doing things to put me on edge and make me scared. My example of the car journey is typical. I need to know is this my fault, Am I being unreasonable?

[redwoodmazza]

That's sounds awful OP. He is a twat.
I was the victim of a road traffic accident many years ago and I HATED being a passenger in a car afterwards. I was always on edge and expecting the worst to happen... I wasn't in control and I hated it.
Eventually I closed my eyes and thought of other things. If I couldn't see and anticipate awful things happening, it reduced my stress levels.
I am over it now but I still a very 'alert' passenger.

[LorenzoVonMatterhorn]

Dont start to wonder. Actually Start to list them. What dos he do that is positive. What does he do to make you and your children uncomfortable / put you in danger?

[billy1966]

He is a nasty abusive prick OP.

He enjoys torturing you.

He enjoys putting you and your children at risk.

Reach out for support IRL.

I bet this is o ly the tip of the iceberg.

What you have written is horrifying.

You must have been terrified.

Awful to read.

You poor woman.

[MrsKin90]

I don't think you're being unreasonable.
He sounds like an ass who isn't taking your feelings seriously. In my experience people who think it's funny to tease people about their genuine fears are buttholes andbnot very nice inside. If I don't like the way someone drives I won't get in their car. No exceptions. If we're carpooling with an idiot I insist on driving or I go separately. It could be he just doesn't think he is being dangerous and thinks you're being silly, but if you're really frightened, he should respond positively to that.
If it was just this one instance I'd just insist on driving everywhere yourself or not going (and follow through!). But if it's with everything you're afraid of and you're really bothered by it, you need to sort it out with him.
Also isn't it illegal to drive in flip flops? I've had mine get stuck (they 'flopped' under the break) and had to use my left foot to slam the brake on. It was terrifying and not worth the risk. Especially with kids in the car. If he cared about you all the way he should, he'd care enough to be safer when driving.

[user1972548274]

That's a good example of deliberate abuse - coercive control.

He knew what he was doing would frighten and distress you given your past traumas (which, no, I don't think you need to "get over", although you definitely deserve the right support and possibly trauma therapy) - that was why he did it. To terrorise you.

[Apple1029]

Wow that is terrifying. It's not you!! How bloody irresponsible and selfish for him to do that. Without any backstory that's bad enough op. I would refuse to get in a car with him again, and also the dc!

[SadSisters]

He sounds absolutely horrible, OP.

[wttaf]

Another example of him trying to scare me/ worry me
My baby is 11 months old. He would fall asleep holding him on the sofa all the time .. he did the same with my DD. But sometimes I'm sure he was doing it on purpose (faking going to sleep) so I would take the babies back.

He is also obese and a really deep sleeper. I used to have to sit there and watch him.. meaning I could never get any rest because my eyes had to always be on him. He would always say that it's "not my fault that I fell asleep". Never take responsibility for himself.

[Spandang]

OP I had a huge fear of speed and motorways because I’d lost someone in a car accident. I used to hate being in a car with someone else, for exactly the same reasons I’d be risk assessing their driving every five minutes and bracing every time someone put their indicator on.

The best thing I ever did, was go with a driving instructor on a motorway. Now, I do the driving. You will feel so much better about this if you can take back control. Imagine, being able to drive at the speed you feel safe at, knowing you have two hands on the wheel, knowing you’re wearing closed shoes that fit. Knowing that if you feel tired you can stop. You have all the information, you are in control, you know what’s safe.

Honestly, best thing I ever did. I’m also now no longer jumpy in a car but I do vehemently refuse to get in cars with people I know are bad drivers.

[pictish]

No, you’re not. You’re not his wee brother to tease and scare for fun.
I don’t know if he’s actively horrid but on this one he’s being an absolute twat.

[bronzedgodesswannabe]

Why are you with him?

[JustC]

Regardless of your issues ( which sound compleyly understable considering past experience) he is a dangerous driver. I would not put myself or the kids in the car with him. My husband is a driver by profession, since he was18 pretty much, and he would only drive in flip flops for a 5-10 minutes drive in a small town( so no high speed involved), and even that he tries to avoid, always has one hand properly on steering wheel, and enerally a cautious driver, but even more so when iur kid is in the car. Also adjusts his driving when I'm in the car as I suffer with motion sicknes. So not only he is a reckless driver, he is an immature (mocking your fears) knob. I repeat, I would not keep putting myself or my kid in the car with such a driver.

[AntiHop]

He is a nasty bully.

[wttaf]

I must say he does have some good qualities but I just don't know that I can be with someone who gets a kick out of terrifying me

[Destroyedpeople]

What a total cunt . No more'words

[EngagedAgain]

My (hopefully stbx) OH does this. Consequently over the years the distance I travel with him has dwindled (rarely) to a maximum of 20 miles, and usually just running local errands. As pp said I would describe it as scant regard for your feelings. My OH also does/says other things that stress me. Whether or not they do it on purpose or are just plain thick, the fact is they still do it. As a result of years of it I am now a nervous wreck, and regret allowing him to get away with it for so long.

[Powerplant]

As an aside does he have sleep apnoea due to his weight - if he says ‘it’s not my fault I fall asleep’ then when things have returned to normal suggest he gets checked or loses weight for all your safety.

[NoAdventureNoTime]

I cant believe this man has any redeeming qualities good enough to balance this out. You deserve better than a man who enjoys belittling your justified fears and then makes you relive them by his deliberate attempt to reenact a potential car crash. Every fucking time you get in a car with him. What a fucking arse hole.

[Piffle11]

What he is doing is bad enough to start with. But add in your fears, and it becomes a different matter. He is deliberately taunting you, deliberately worrying you. It’s a horrible, horrible thing that he is doing.

[cyclingmad]

He shouldn't be driving! Closing his eyes even for a second of two, not holding the steering wheel at all times or just one finger.

In a fraction of a second he could cause an accident especially aa you say he is on the 'fast lane' which indicates he is most likely to be going above the speed limit.

What a selfish idiot

[Destroyedpeople]

I would actually refuse to get in the car with him. Draw a line in the sand OP your posts are v worrying tbh.

[dadshere]

Sit in the back, drive yourself or don't get in to the car with him. Most probably, your constant criticizing of his driving is annoying him and so he is retaliating.

[BlindAssassin1]

Don't let your DC in the car with him driving!!!!

He probably thinks he's funny, he's just having a laugh init, god why don't you lighten up, why can't you take a joke.... etc etc.

He's is a fucking dickhead with a complete disregard for your children's or your safety. Prick.

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

On the way home he says he is falling asleep and keeps closing his eyes. I am furious and terrified.

OP, this is so cruel. Just so cruel. It doesn't matter if your fear irritates him or whatever, this is such a nasty thing to do to anyone, let alone someone you are supposed to love and who you know is genuinely afraid.

I had a boyfriend who got us into a dramatic car crash and then pretended to be unconscious afterwards whilst I was screaming his name, he thought it was hilarious and I wish I had realised then that he was a nasty, emotionally sadistic piece of work and left him.

[SpaghettiBalonzaise]

OP someone who gets a twisted enjoyment out of doing theae things to worry you is not a nice person. I hope you're okay. Please put your well-being first. I am horrified by what you have said with the car story - it's like a little boy burning ants with a magnifying glass- unnecessarily cruel.