To say no to this party invitation

[concernedforthefuture]

DS(9) has just been invited to a friend's birthday party this weekend (it will be a garden party).
The host family have 2 children (inc birthday child) plus Mum and Dad. I'm not sure how many children are invited but DS isn't a very close friend of the birthday child so I'm assuming more than 2, which means that it's likely there will be more than 6 people present.
So therefore going to the party would be against the rules, right (we're in England)? Birthday mum has gone to great lengths to explain how she will supply hand gel, encourage the kids to keep 2m apart etc. and they have an outside loo so no-one needs to go into the house. Although their garden isn't huge, I'm not particularly concerned about the risk of catching CV but it doesn't sit right with me - this shouldn't be happening.
AIBU to say no? Or even check how many would be there perhaps without looking rude? If more than 6, how can I politely decline without upsetting the mum or birthday child by making it sound that I'm being critical of their choice to host a party when it's currently not allowed?

I’d let my child go.
I presume those for whom COVID is a real threat (over 60 and those with underlying health conditions) are self isolating so therefore are unlikely to catch it from those attending the parties. Statistically the rest of us, if we do catch it, should we even realise we have caught it, will recover unscathed.
FWIW my child has gone back to school. After school they all go to the park together and there is no real social distancing going on. We need to move on with our lives now. You can’t keep the whole country in a state of lockdown.

I'm guessing she's just trying to give her dc a happy birthday. Albeit not very practical rn

Well that went well not. I politely declined, thanking them for thinking of DS but he wouldn't be coming as we are still a bit nervous of group situations.
Got an instant response: "suit yourself!"

What would Dominic do, the oracle of judgement and common sense?

This is MN, where the reply would be known in advance. Even when the roolz do eventually allow parties, it’s bound to be full of replies such as “it won’t kill them to wait until next year” or “I will never let my DC attend a party again”.

My child is back at pre school and I’d decline because although they are mixing at school that’s within the regulations. Mixing outside of that environment is not allowed.

@ARoseInHarlem I completely understand your point of view but I think we have to agree to disagree. I won’t be seeing my grandparents any time soon as they’re older and higher risk and they are able to socialise with friends in a safe way and we can FaceTime to catch up. I made that decision so when my children play with friends I’m not putting my granny at risk. As an under 3 so not able to socialise via FaceTime etc I’d rather she see people than me as I know I can cope a lot longer and get a lot more out of online interaction. Horses for courses and I wouldn’t judge parents either way although the ones who let kids play together then jump all over grandparents may well be playing with fire.

Oh dear @concernedforthefuture

Assuming you preempted such a response hence why you came on here for advice. Hate that anyone would not respect you for making that decision. Doesn’t sound like any attempt to social distance would be happening though so you probably made a very good call!

I would decline, if everyone bent the rules to suit then we'd end up back to square one. I've just seen a friend on FB share photos of her 2 kids ages 7+8 at a hot tub party with approx 6 friends. Followed by photos of them blowing out candles on a cake inside the house and all the kids hugging each other. I'm assuming she was there too taking the photos and therefore other adults as well. Annoying really, when we're still diligently following the rules.

Stuff like this really annoys me!
Stick to the bloody rules it’s not hard!

‘Common sense’ is stuff like ‘don’t count a 12 week old baby in mums arms as a whole other person’ not ‘I’m gonna have a 14 strong birthday party and say it’s fine because I gave out
Hand gel’

We’ve had 2 BIG birthdays in the family during lockdown (as in milestone birthdays) both have had 6 people in a garden to celebrate (as per the rules) this has been tough, think choosing between whether my DH or DB’s DP can attend level of tough, but we’ve done it! Posts like this make me wonder why we’ve bothered 😕

@concernedforthefuture

Well that went well not. I politely declined, thanking them for thinking of DS but he wouldn't be coming as we are still a bit nervous of group situations. Got an instant response: "suit yourself!"

At some stage she'll have to realise that (thankfully) many people are still following the guidelines, not finding ways to break them!

Several groups of 6 in the garden is not following the guidelines pidgeon.

'Suit yourself' is a very rude and immature response.

It's obvious we're in a state of flux with the 'rules' and understandably different people are making different judgement call.

Why can't we agree it's all a bit messy and people will make what feels like the right decision for them without all the nastiness, which is obviously going both ways from responses on here and hers.
It's very sad.

At least you've learned some useful information about this women: ie not someone to make friends with!!

Her response was rude but so was yours OP. You just had to decline, a further reason was a dig.

Suit yourself?!
Well with that response you can bet she won't be sticking to any rules. How immature.
I would've declined too. It was my son's 11th birthday last week, no party, we made the best of it but no children invited.

Right decision then. She clearly isn't prepared to stick to the guidelines.

It wasn't rude to explain why you were declining by the way.

It wasn't rude to explain why you were declining by the way of course it was rude, it was to have a little dig. The host didn’t need to know why they couldn’t come.

^*I get so so so cross with people saying “my child’s mental health/happiness/socialization is much more important”.

FUCK OFF. Unless your child has mental health issues serious enough to merit endangering someone’s life NO. IT’S NOT MORE IMPORTANT.

Just say you can’t take it any more, being indoors with your children. Or that’s the noise and mess and the whining and complaining bothers you too much.*^

No actually, you fuck off, my child's mental health is far more important TO ME than anything else, and no they aren't disruptive or loud or messy, they are kind, helpful and agreeable little girls but their need for normality and to socialise with their friends is my current priority so yes you fuck off and decide your priorities and take your nose out of mine

GreyTS well said!

I would say yes. Let the kids have some fun with their friends.

@GreyTS and @OnlyFoolsnMothers

Your actions impact other people. Your decision to make decisions prioritising your children, endangers other people.

Are you okay with this?

Generally not trying to be goady, but how are they endangering others? Outside of the obvious “if they went and sneezed on someone” reasons. Do you mean because breaking the rules could lead to a longer lockdown?

Because they or whoever is chaperoning them could be asymptomatic carriers.

Because social interaction (social as in between people, not as in having fun) demonstrably leads to an exponential (however the R number is calculated) increase in cases, some of which require hospitalization. If hospitals are at capacity, people will die.

It’s one thing interacting out of necessity. It’s another interacting for a party.

ARoseInHarlem I don’t believe the actions of my child impact anyone greater than adults shopping or adults playing golf do. All the scientific evidence lends itself to the idea that children are the lowest risk group and the very unlikely to spread it. I don’t think the numbers currently justify the Continued mass restrictions to our youth.

Ok, that’s fine! But the answer then isn’t to join in with people spreading it - it’s to argue that, if children aren’t as great spreaders as adults sitting in beer gardens, that the children be allowed to go to parties and adults not. But then The Economy; there are many more adults than children in the country; etc etc.

If group A are risking public health, the reasonable reaction isn’t for group B to join in too - it’s to be disgusted that group B are being discriminated against and argue for the right to redress the balance. Or accept that maybe group B aren’t so much at risk of anxiety and depression as group A. Or whatever. The answer isn’t for more and more people to pile in.

ARoseInHarlem ultimately covid isn’t going anywhere, it wasn’t intended for us to be locked down forever, we have to get back to normal. I think yes children- schools/ playgrounds should have opened first! But at some point society needs to get back to a new normal.
I also think children are at a greater risk of becoming depressed, becoming anxious that adults who, on the whole, have the development and skill set to rationalise and understand this crap better.

I agree, this can’t and won’t go on forever. But it’s been 3 months (almost 4). Big difference.

I also agree that children may be at greater risk of anxiety etc. That’s what parents and support services are there to offer - that’s what the pediatricians’ letter was about. Which is why, when adults behave like children, it’s the children who pay the price. And, with Covid, the elderly and vulnerable. Fit and healthy young adults who are at raves and street parties and whatever are the epitome of selfishness. Won’t anyone think of the kids?!