To say no to this party invitation

[concernedforthefuture]

DS(9) has just been invited to a friend's birthday party this weekend (it will be a garden party).
The host family have 2 children (inc birthday child) plus Mum and Dad. I'm not sure how many children are invited but DS isn't a very close friend of the birthday child so I'm assuming more than 2, which means that it's likely there will be more than 6 people present.
So therefore going to the party would be against the rules, right (we're in England)? Birthday mum has gone to great lengths to explain how she will supply hand gel, encourage the kids to keep 2m apart etc. and they have an outside loo so no-one needs to go into the house. Although their garden isn't huge, I'm not particularly concerned about the risk of catching CV but it doesn't sit right with me - this shouldn't be happening.
AIBU to say no? Or even check how many would be there perhaps without looking rude? If more than 6, how can I politely decline without upsetting the mum or birthday child by making it sound that I'm being critical of their choice to host a party when it's currently not allowed?

[Mrskeats]

I'm having a party with 6 groups of 6 people so that's 36.
That's the ethos on here from lots of people.
2 people I know have died. Get a bloody grip.

[Davespecifico]

I would decline politely. No need to give a reason.
The garden will be full of children. I don’t know that obviously , but I consider it highly likely. The very fact they’re holding a party at all suggests that numbers aren’t an issue to them. If they’re ere limiting it to 6 or less humans, they’d have let you know that to reassure you.

[Mascotte]

@pigeon999 😃 pass me a sausage on a stick, would you? I'd love to be going to a party.

[luckylady22]

Very apt name @OnlyFoolsnMothers

[luckylady22]

Yes I totally hear you@ARoseInHarlem , it is driving me crazy the way people justify their selfishness but hey if it keeps their little darlings happy then the hell to everyone else !

[twittawoo3]

I would politely decline.
one of my dc is back at school because her mental health took a dive. Even with her being in a bubble of 8 or 9 other children I wouldn't be happy for her to attend a party and mix with even more people than she currently is.
For us, her mental health had to take priority.

[BabyItsAWildWorld]

I'd find out how many are going.

If it's a small group and outdoors I'd say yes.

By small group, I'd probably think less than 10 is OK.

If it was 20/30 kids and parents I'd say no.

Kids getting to socialise outside would be more important to me than breaking an arbitrary rule which is ever changing, and has so many caveats and exceptions.

I have moved to a: "I'm just behaving reasonably knowing the risks" mentality and don't give toss about the ever changing inconsistent rules anymore.

I'll await all the screaming of FUCK OFF which is about to come my way on this thread, but I think you rabid rule enforcers are are in the last throes of the incandescent rule enforcement, so enjoy throwing the abuse while you can.

[Napqueen1234]

@RedskyAtnight I appreciate what you’re saying but at some point with community levels being incredibly low the whole country behaving as though they have the virus just becomes excessive. All for social distancing, masks on public transport etc but behaving forever as though we have the virus isn’t sustainable in any way.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

It’s this sort of comment that gives me the rage. You think it’s okay to endanger the life of a 60+ year old or 85+ year old parent or grandparent or just plain old person because your child was so happy to go back to nursery? Can you hear yourself??! Unbelievable. I don’t have any older relatives in my family, that’s why I have mentioned over and over again that every family/ situation is different. I think a year out of a child’s education is huge and as for social skills being substituted by a screen - not ok with me. It’s so easy for people say “children aren’t affected”...how do you know? ...because they can’t articulate their struggles as adults do. My comments may fill you with rage but I’m filled with rage that the older generations are out mingling and shopping and children are restricted in every aspect when they aren’t event at risk/ aren’t even proven to be spreaders.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

All for social distancing, masks on public transport etc but behaving forever as though we have the virus isn’t sustainable in any way 100%
Covid isn’t going anywhere. There are sensible measures to be taken (no mass gatherings: football matches, concerts etc. Masks on transport) but all staying at home forever isn’t sustainable or realistic.

[mumwon]

@OnlyFoolsnMothers anew born baby died & the little one had no underlying problems
Some people (& this includes dc) develop cytokine storm which is an overreaction of the immune system this is not caused by underlying health conditions & some poor dc under the age of 16 have developed this - death rates do not include those who have severe or so called moderate illness

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

1 newborn baby- utterly utterly tragic. Do
I think it’s worth suspending all other children’s education, no I don’t. My whole issue is why are adults allowed to resume activities when children can’t in the lowest risk group. I would rather keep non essential shops shut, keep golf courses shut, and let kids go to playgrounds and schools. Like I’ve maintained, corona isn’t going anywhere, we were locked down to preserve the nhs but this isn’t a sustainable solution.

[concernedforthefuture]

Thank you all

[Chocolatecake12]

Find out the information about who will be there and base your decision on that.

[Babs709]

@concernedforthefuture I don’t think you would be unreasonable to decline, tricky not to offend people but just word it politely that you’re not comfortable with parties yet. Or of course lie and say there are vulnerable people in the family (but I don’t think I’d personally do that).

[JaniceWebster]

We need to behave
- to stop ourselves catching the virus AND
- (as though we have the virus and) to stop ourselves spreading it to anyone else.*

If - when - there was a lockdown, I followed the guidelines strictly.
It's not allowed to meet people, go shopping, go back to school .. so I am still following the guidelines, and a birthday party when the kids mix at school anyway is absolutely fine.

If it was unsafe, kids wouldn't return to school, they are, so we are fine.

[Obbydoo]

I would definitely decline. There will be thousands of kids who have had to miss their birthday party this year. Why does she think her child is so special that the rules don't count for her. Incredibly selfish behaviour.

[Napqueen1234]

@ARoseInHarlem www.rcpch.ac.uk/sites/default/files/2020-06/open_letter_re_schools_reopening_2020-06-17.pdf
You may say it won’t do them any harm. 1500 paediatricians disagree. I know who’s opinion I value more tbh.

[ARoseInHarlem]

@Napqueen1234

My comment was on “socialization etc”, following other posters’ talk about their children’s mental health in the context of birthday parties.

These pediatricians make a hugely important point about inequalities or academic achievement, mental health support (suggesting mental health issues requiring medical intervention and support), vaccinations, special therapies, children falling through the safety net.

There’s an ENORMOUS gap between access to school for food, vaccinations, special therapies, and a child’s mental health suffering because s/he doesn’t go to birthday parties or play dates.

Very very disingenuous of you. You do those pediatricians and me a disservice by trying to use that letter as support for encouraging optional activities like birthday parties.

[Napqueen1234]

www.childrenscommissioner.gov.uk/2020/04/03/angry-fed-up-isolated-coronavirus-and-childrens-mental-health/

this link might be better. Lots of quotes directly from children and young people about the devastating effects their mental health often as a direct result of lack of socialising?

[Napqueen1234]

‘Childline have also reported an increased demand in counselling sessions, and a Young Minds survey last month of children with a history of mental health needs showed 83% saying the pandemic has made their mental health a bit or much worse. The lack of socialising, worries about families’ health, school closures and a loss of routine are all contributing to their worries. While three quarters of those surveyed said they were still able to have access to mental health support, usually online, a quarter were not receiving help. Another survey at the end of last month shows that over half of parents worried about their children’s mental health during this time; and parents’ main worries were ensuring they have enough food supplies (48%), supporting children with school work (44%) and money (39%).

In our survey, we when asked what they would do to manage stress, a quarter of those children who ever feel stressed said that they would normally go outside. Now, this option is only very limited. 43% said that they would hang out with their friends, family or pets’

Spending time with friends is a coping mechanism for a significant amount of children when dealing with stress.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

There’s an ENORMOUS gap between access to school for food, vaccinations, special therapies, and a child’s mental health suffering because she doesn’t go to birthday parties or play dates Jesus talk about nit picking, fine replace the words birthday party and play date with the words “social interaction”...is it the inclusion of cake that offends you.

[ARoseInHarlem]

@Napqueen1234

This discussion isn’t about going back to school, accessing mental health support services, worries about missing school, mounting pressure of GCSE coursework, family members losing their jobs, family members contracting Covid. It isn’t denying that children are feeling stress because of those things. It isn’t denying that the government response has been a shit show. I’m sure the vast, vast majority of children under lockdown would be much happier playing at school or in playgrounds and going to birthday parties - living their normal lives.

All of these things suck. Everyone with any imagination knows it. But it sucks even more to need hospital care because of Covid but not be able to access it because of hospital overcrowding; it sucks even more to lose a parent nurse to Covid; it sucks even more to lose a grandparent; it sucks even more to have a parent catch Covid and struggle for weeks and weeks and weeks to recover and lose a job in the process.

None of these things are worth a child attending a birthday party. None of them. I have two children between 3-10yo. We’re in the same boat. We do what we can to make life normal and interesting and as social for them as we can. It takes time and effort and it’s bloody hard work on top of our actual day jobs, and sometimes they go to be feeling hard done by. But that’s just life. My child’s happiness (because this is what most posters mean, I think, when they use the term “mental health”) is NOT worth any of the stories of lives lost or decimated by Covid. They will survive. They’ll be a bit lonely or miserable for some months - or longer.

As I said up top, I’m not talking about children with actual mental health problems that they need help or support with.

[ARoseInHarlem]

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

If you knew me you’d know that cake can NEVER offend me.

Social interaction above the age of about 3 doesn’t have to be in person to be effective. Yes, it can’t be virtual or over a garden fence or whatever for years and years. But it’s been 3 months, so give the kids some credit.

Under aged 3, my view is social interaction with parents and siblings, if there are any, is enough for a good long while. Tech doesn’t work as well, but TV, neighbours across the road, chats here and there from the stroller are enough.

Not-picking? The thread is literally about a birthday party, an entirely optional an unnecessary-to-human-development thing. Of course they’re fun. But so is keeping your grandma alive.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

ARoseInHarlem
Great we share a cake love- middle ground!

to tackle the grandma comment, as I have said I don’t have any elderly relatives, and I fully appreciate those who do may feel / act differently.
The narrative that we should alienate children from activities to “save” the older generation is rubbish to me for 2 reasons:
1- children are not the super spreaders of this disease
2- adults are permitted to carry of relatively normally eg. Work, shop, socialise, this government has just picked on children as they don’t have a voice and are an easy target.

I don’t believe that social interaction over a screen is the same as the benefits my child reaps from being physically in the company of her peers, (she doesn’t have any siblings yet). Yes it’s 3 months but look still children aren’t able to interact normally. How long do we expect children to keep to themselves- a year? 2?
We can agree to disagree on this one