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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you have a 13 year old who's out a lot, what time do they have to be home by?

135 replies

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 18/06/2020 17:29

I'm being nagged and need some perspective.

I wondered what time other people's 13 year olds need to be home by?

My sons friends seem to be out until last 8pm, and is incredulous that I ask him to be home by 6.30pm.

OP posts:
Sostenueto · 19/06/2020 21:42

We took her there spoke to the friends parents and picked her up from there and rang whilst she was there on their home phone to make sure she was there dontbite

Sostenueto · 19/06/2020 21:43

Having been young once myself am well aware of all the scams played by teens😄

parentofteen · 19/06/2020 21:57

Wow how stifling. Must have been mortifying for her.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 19/06/2020 22:04

Outside of Covid? As tbh a child that age shouldn’t be out without their parents or a supervision adult.

Ds1 14 (before lockdown) would be at his sporting coaching sessions and sometimes would home at 10pm at the latest.

If he was out with friend (normally at a sporting event) he would come home at roughly 9pm.

(Weekend) If out with friend and no sports, depending on where he was 8.30pm if outside but up to 10.30pm if at a friends house as he plays sports 6x a week. (Some says double sports)

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 19/06/2020 22:05

Outside of Covid? As tbh a child that age shouldn’t be out without their parents or a supervision adult.

That should say during this pandemic.

Tiktokcringeydance · 19/06/2020 22:08

My DD is 13 - we font have a regular time she needs to be back by as she doesnt go out independently particularly often. She met friends last week in a park and I asked her back by 8pm

Nochangeplease · 19/06/2020 22:09

It really depends where you live. Mines nearly 15 and still wouldn’t be allowed out until 9 unless in someone’s house and getting picked up/dropped off.

Scruffyoak · 19/06/2020 22:12

Even youth club is on till 9.45....doesn't even start at 6pm (pre covid)

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/06/2020 22:51

It’s interesting. All four of mine got a lot of freedom. None of them chose to hang out in parks with a bottle of cider when they were 13.

At 16, one of mine disgraced herself getting drunk (I’m not stupid; I know it’s not sunstroke) at a local day festival and was likely up to no good (weed and sex) with nice boy with lovely mum from the posh houses in the village.

All four have grown up very confident and adventurous. The naughty one was equally silly at uni and is not very good at just doing the sensible thing.

My take from it is that maybe different kids need different boundaries. But it’s very hard to say, “Well your older brother is allowed to do that and so is your younger sister. But not you, because you have a heart of gold, but you are a crazy thrill seeker.”

lyralalala · 19/06/2020 23:31

@TinklyLittleLaugh

It’s interesting. All four of mine got a lot of freedom. None of them chose to hang out in parks with a bottle of cider when they were 13.

At 16, one of mine disgraced herself getting drunk (I’m not stupid; I know it’s not sunstroke) at a local day festival and was likely up to no good (weed and sex) with nice boy with lovely mum from the posh houses in the village.

All four have grown up very confident and adventurous. The naughty one was equally silly at uni and is not very good at just doing the sensible thing.

My take from it is that maybe different kids need different boundaries. But it’s very hard to say, “Well your older brother is allowed to do that and so is your younger sister. But not you, because you have a heart of gold, but you are a crazy thrill seeker.”

It's very hard to have differnt rules for different kids.

One of my girls has narcolepsy. It means she had to have very, very different boundaries from her sister and older brother. Even now at 16 it's extremely difficult when others her age have so much more freedom and she really can't.

It doesn't help that she's also the most easily distracted of my children, she's impulsive and has zero fear. Combined with an understandable sense of injustice I think I'll worry about her as much as I did when she was 8 when she's 48

WeeBenny · 20/06/2020 00:28

At this time of year my 11 year old can be out until about 9:30 as its still light. All his friends are still out.
He has a phone so I can check in with him. They mostly play football but he's not where I can see him
It obviously depends where you live but I'm comfortable with this he has been playing out with the same group of friends since he was 5.
I ask him to let me know if he's going somewhere different so I know wheres hes at.
I think its good for them to have some independence and be out off his computer which he's been on far too much over lockdown

Sostenueto · 20/06/2020 06:20

Not at allparentofteen she is an intelligent well rounded young adult looking forward to going to a top university with many interests. She has a great friendship group despite no friends in her town because she went to school in another area and all her friends live miles away but that hasn't stopped them seeing each other and enjoying things such as cinema ski slopes ( artificial) parties, sleepovers, camping, spending time in the city etc. She is capable of traveling anywhere on her own and capable of spending a long time on her own and learning new skills and studying during lockdown ( she has been shielded since first week in March because if an auto immune blood disorder though now she can spend time with me) while her mum works. So no not stifled but bought up to be responsible truthful and I will always trust her word.

Sostenueto · 20/06/2020 07:17

Can I ask a question? What would you all do if your child did not answer their phone when you rang it if you were not sure exactly where they were? What if there was an emergency? What if they lost their phone or had it stolen? How would you find your child?

DingoDing · 20/06/2020 07:42

What exactly is 'roaming the streets'? Is that aka going for a walk around town and a mooch round the shops? DD aged 13 likes doing this amongst other things - she's home by 9 or 9.30 usually in the summer but sometimes she phones to ask to stay out a bit later. I don't like her out by herself after dark but with friends is fine.. I ask her where she's going and who with. Of course something bad might happen but they can't just stay in the house their whole lives, they need independence and to learn to negotiate the world. The appropriate age for this varies depending on where you live I guess, so everyone has to weigh the risks of their own set of circumstances.

DancingWithTheDevil · 20/06/2020 07:52

@DingoDing

What exactly is 'roaming the streets'? Is that aka going for a walk around town and a mooch round the shops? DD aged 13 likes doing this amongst other things - she's home by 9 or 9.30 usually in the summer but sometimes she phones to ask to stay out a bit later. I don't like her out by herself after dark but with friends is fine.. I ask her where she's going and who with. Of course something bad might happen but they can't just stay in the house their whole lives, they need independence and to learn to negotiate the world. The appropriate age for this varies depending on where you live I guess, so everyone has to weigh the risks of their own set of circumstances.
IMO, roaming the streets: wandering or loitering aimlessly around with nothing to do. Going to the shops/park etc isn't roaming. Hanging around the shops harassing people may be roaming.
SeasonFinale · 20/06/2020 07:55

Pre Covid my kids would be round a friend's house or round here unless doing specific activities.

Post Covid they are indeed "roaming the streets" ie meeting up outside in public spaces as per guidelines ( and now in gardens again). So the "roaming the streets" is a relatively new thing but a positive thing in terms of mental health rather than being stuck inside alone.

Wtfdidwedo · 20/06/2020 07:57

When I was 13 (in the 2000s) I didn't have a phone and used to "roam" ie. sit in the park until 8pm. I don't think my mum ever asked where I had been through most of my teenage years. My friendship group were all A* students though so none of our parents seemed particularly bothered about us. We were mostly having fairly nerdy conversations in a park or a McDonald's.

BakewellGin1 · 20/06/2020 08:08

DS11 nearly 12 during months with lighter nights 9pm is fine. I know who he is with, where he is (pretty much) he texts hourly so I know he is fine and he calls when he is walking home. Usually they call for friends, walk up to the park (two near us) or during the day they walk along the banks near to the beach (about a 10 min walk from us)... Quite often they call in each house for ice lollies, drinks etc and sometimes take money out for a pop in the shop for fish shop tea

Winter months he doesn't go out a lot... Plus he plays football 2 nights a week and 1 day at the weekend so is happy to have some relaxation time... He also doesn't like being cold so hanging about doesn't appeal to him.

Aramox · 20/06/2020 08:13

In normal times- 7pm school nights, 8:30/9 pm holidays /11 if party. Is frequently tested. But it depends what they’re doing. I wouldn’t allow hanging in park/ on street in evening and in lockdown I would try to enforce that as there are lots of drugs and raves around us. Whether I could enforce it is another matter.

RedHelenB · 20/06/2020 08:14

@Sostenueto At age 13 I'd hope they'd have the nous to use someone else's (and they have done) It's part of growing up. Things go wrong, what do I need to do to fix it?

Strugglingtodomybest · 20/06/2020 08:19

My 13 year old is allowed out until dark, although he's normally back between 8-9pm.

I always know where he's going, and if there's a major change of plans he's supposed to ring. Tbh, he's not great at that bit, but he's getting there. I trust him, and have all his friends phone numbers for emergencies anyway.

They don't 'roam' the streets though, they're generally either at the beach jumping, in the park playing manhunt, skating/scootering in the skatepark, or in someone's garden on a trampoline. I guess that some people might think they're roaming the streets if they saw them walking to and from these activities though.

Oh, and he's been known to come home early if other kids are smoking weed in the skate park because he doesn't like it.

rayoflightboy · 20/06/2020 08:21

Our nearly 14 year old doesn't go out with friends without an adult. Kids should not be roaming around with no purpose, especially not in a pandemic

Really,I find that incredibly weird.
So if they want to go to a friend's house they have to be with an adult😂😂.I'm sorry that's ridiculous

DingoDing · 20/06/2020 08:30

IMO, roaming the streets: wandering or loitering aimlessly around with nothing to do.

I honestly can't see the problem with this. Sometimes it's nice to wander aimlessly, no? Not every second of their lives has to be scheduled and accounted for and purposeful, does it?

daisychain1620 · 20/06/2020 08:33

Hi my 13 is allowed out to between 8-9 on school nights and 10ish at the weekends. We live in a village so he can't roam too far. He must have his phone and answer if I call, if he ignores my phone call there'll be hell to pay lol.
It all depends on where you live I suppose, I don't know how my answer would differ if I lived in the middle of a city for example.
The lock down has kept mine mostly at home and I think they've even enjoyed it 😊

rayoflightboy · 20/06/2020 08:35

Mine are our till bout 9. Ages 9,10and 12.

Out on their bikes,playing football.
School is finished here,and to be fair.I prefer them out,they where stuck in for long enough.