AIBU or GP should at least acknowledge videos of grandchild

[mintandcoral]

This might sound petty but I do feel like things that wouldn't necessarily have bothered me much before are getting to me a bit now we've been in lockdown for so long- so prepared to be told IABU.

Since lockdown started I was aware that grandparents on both sides would miss our 1 year old very much. Families on both sides live several hours drive away so we have been unable to see any of them since March. We usually see them at least once a month.

I already sent them the ocassional video but during lockdown I have started consistently sending videos to them of ds. I send them over watsapp to my mum, dad and MIL. FIL doesn't have a phone.

MIL repeatedly doesn't acknowledge that I have sent her these videos, which are only ever a couple of minutes long. I see the double blue ticks so I know that she has received them and watched them but nothing. I think it got to 10 videos, over the course of a couple of weeks once and she had said nothing.

In contrast my own parents who love the videos, comment on each one - even just to say 'wow he has grown' or 'his vocabulary is really coming along' or whatever stock gp phrase. I'm also in a group with my family where my sister shares videos of my cousins with her pil and parents and again, everyone generally will make a comment every now and then.

I'm not expecting poetry, I just find it odd having radio silence for sometimes weeks on end. When dh rings them says she misses him and wants to facetime with him. Do you think she just doesn't like me very much? There is a history of her sulking in the past and she can be extremely passive aggressive. I find this passive aggressive or am I over reacting and this is a normal response? I sent a ridiculous cute video last night and I just think how can you not even comment?!

IABU- totally normal gp doesn't acknowledge video
IANBU- behaviour is a bit weird

@EatDessertFirst I'm not sending hundreds of pictures or videos each week. The 9/10 videos were the most I ever sent over two weeks (think it was actually a few days over two weeks) but I appreciate that still might be too much. Will leave it three weeks or so now unless she asks.

@ArchbishopOfBanterbury yeah I was wondering if, even though she is good with tech, it's just a generational etiquette thing?

Are you sending messages/questions with the videos too? Like 'look at what LO found in the garden today, what do you think?' Etc...?
If you're not then there's no social nod to her that she even needs to respond. She may be seeing WhatsApp as more of a social media platform than a messaging app where you can browse but not directly respond if you dont want/need to

I send photos/videos of the LO to my PIL via Dropbox and they always reply. It's basic manners. But I do have a very nice relationship with both my parents and husband's parents (maybe I'm the minority).

@ThoroughlyForumed I am! Which is one of the things which made it feel odd

Urgh. My sister is the same. Constant videos and pictures. Yes they’re very sweet but a one or two photo updates a week would be more than enough. I regularly have to go through and delete hundreds of them from my phone because it starts lagging with no storage space.

My parents like to see a photo each day of my son but my in laws prefer a couple of photos each month, everyone is different and it’s not a personal slight.
Your situation may well be different but just perhaps this just isn’t all about you?

@HoppingPavlova it's not over the top at all in my families opinion.

Very rarely will I say this, but I thank goodness I have the family I have when I hear things like that. I would find that completely smothering and wonder wtf.

Jesus I wonder if you are my SIL. The videos you think are incredible are really not that exciting for everyone else. Nobody else cares enough to actually reply to 3 videos a day. It is just so self absorbed.

Yeah, just stop sending them, and if she asks why just say you didn't think she wanted them as she never responded.

@ToddlerBumpBorderCollie but it's not 100's of photos or videos and I've clearly never said it's all about me. If you read the full thread you will see I have repeatedly said I know that I need to change my expectations.

Maybe seeing the videos makes her miss them even more as she can't see them or touch them ?
Maybe she finds is hard ?

@Wannakisstheteacher Jesus. Aren't you lovely. Why are there so many hostile people on mumsnet. I'm not sending 3 videos a day.... Im sending about 2 videos a week at the moment.

@Lulu1919 ah thanks. I hadn't thought of it from that perspective! I will maybe ask her from that angle.

Some older people don't k ow that the etiquette is to respond. My MIL never respond either but will make a comment on them with real sheer when we do speak and I know she appreciates them.

Thanks for your replies! I only have my own families interactions to go by or compare anything to and I know that we are a very close family who do like sharing lots about the kids and our lives with each other and talking about our emotions etc.

Peoples different responses have definitely given me some perspective as to what other people and families do or prefer.

If it’s a group chat with your parents and they always comment maybe she feels awkward? Trying sending them to her privately and see how she reacts?

I wonder if your mother-in-law is finding things hard at the moment? Perhaps she feels sad that she hasn't been able to spend time with your family? Perhaps she feels overwhelmed by everything that's going on? I know, from my own experience, that there are days when I feel utterly deflated and really wouldn't want to make the effort with anybody outside of my own bubble. I know that sounds selfish, but it's just a complete feeling of exhaustion.
I'm not making excuses for your MIL, I just wonder if maybe something is affecting the way she wants to interact with you?

@Lulu1919

Maybe seeing the videos makes her miss them even more as she can't see them or touch them ? Maybe she finds is hard ?

That's how I felt. I did answer, but only extremely briefly. It hurt but there was no way I could say so without upsetting my DD. There's absolutely no way to word that. Now I can see them in their garden, it's okay. There are fewer videos and I know I can see her soon.

To be fair, my dh isn't that close to them. I'm ringing my parents every few days just to chat about inane stuff and they will ring every 2 weeks ot something and it's a much more formal 'catchup'. They're not so emotionally intertwined, although I think she thinks they are.
By my parents' standards, his parents are incredibly close :) Mine ring me on my birthday and at Christmas.

Are you writing anything or just sending a video uncommented? I'd find it quite hard to think of anything to say in response to a video of a 1-year-old presumably just crawling, eating or something. If there was no question I might just put a smiley, but after the fourth or fifth time I'd have run out of different smiles :)
The two ticks just mean that she's seen there is a video, not that she has watched it. My dad would be too scared to actually click on and watch a video as he is afraid of running up the huge charges he assumes that would involve :)

I stopped sending photos years ago to my MIL for the same reason. Her son can send them if he wants to, I deal with my parents, he deals with his!!

I personally don’t like videos about anything. I’d much much rather receive photos, photos feel like much less of a chore to view. I have plenty of time to spare but just don’t like watching videos on my phone. Maybe that’s it?

@ravenmum I am writing things and asking g questions. I have also been asking how she is doing and checking in with her over facetime, which she has been really responsive to.

I'm on the IL's group "chat" which is basically a series of "look what my teenager has achieved". I don't tend to respond, not because I don't care, but typing "that's lovely" every time sounds like an insincere token gesture which is pretty pointless in itself. There isn't really much in it to stimulate a more natural conversation. I prefer FB where something can be posted and ignored or interacted with more naturally and less expectation of response.

I prefer my family chat where the tone is more sweary

Exactly the same situation here OP. My way of responding has been to send far fewer to inlaws and put more of the onus on DH to keep his side of the family in the loop. The fact he hasn't done his at all has. Helped me to realise that his family just has a very different level of closeness and communication to mine. I don't think it's that they're consciously rejecting their grandchild at all, they just don't respond / show love in the same way as my parents and sisters.

@Lampan this is a really good point actually!! I kind of defaulted to videos as my family prefer them. I do actually prefer photos myself as I completely understand what people mean when they say it's a bit more effort having to watch a video! I was just thinking videos were better because she could see him a bit more 'in action'.