AIBU or GP should at least acknowledge videos of grandchild

[mintandcoral]

This might sound petty but I do feel like things that wouldn't necessarily have bothered me much before are getting to me a bit now we've been in lockdown for so long- so prepared to be told IABU.

Since lockdown started I was aware that grandparents on both sides would miss our 1 year old very much. Families on both sides live several hours drive away so we have been unable to see any of them since March. We usually see them at least once a month.

I already sent them the ocassional video but during lockdown I have started consistently sending videos to them of ds. I send them over watsapp to my mum, dad and MIL. FIL doesn't have a phone.

MIL repeatedly doesn't acknowledge that I have sent her these videos, which are only ever a couple of minutes long. I see the double blue ticks so I know that she has received them and watched them but nothing. I think it got to 10 videos, over the course of a couple of weeks once and she had said nothing.

In contrast my own parents who love the videos, comment on each one - even just to say 'wow he has grown' or 'his vocabulary is really coming along' or whatever stock gp phrase. I'm also in a group with my family where my sister shares videos of my cousins with her pil and parents and again, everyone generally will make a comment every now and then.

I'm not expecting poetry, I just find it odd having radio silence for sometimes weeks on end. When dh rings them says she misses him and wants to facetime with him. Do you think she just doesn't like me very much? There is a history of her sulking in the past and she can be extremely passive aggressive. I find this passive aggressive or am I over reacting and this is a normal response? I sent a ridiculous cute video last night and I just think how can you not even comment?!

IABU- totally normal gp doesn't acknowledge video
IANBU- behaviour is a bit weird

You will only drive yourself up the wall wanting her to be someone she just isn't.

Detach. If she wants photos and videos she can ask. Dh can manage the relationship with her. Obviously be civil/warm when You see her, but just stop making the effort. It's only you that will lose out here because she will always fall short of who you want her to be.

I send my MIL lots of pictures and videos, and she never replies (and I don’t really expect her too) but loves to see them will mention them when we see her or over the phone. Maybe your MIL doesn’t realise you’re expecting a reply/ doesn’t know what to reply. I wouldn’t go straight to assuming it’s just because she doesn’t like you

@Windyatthebeach she doesn't know my parents are getting the same videos though. Although she probably could assume they will be?

I dont think I would send any more videos if they did not respond.

Do you send them because you think she might like to see them? If so keep sending them because she is obviously still watching them.
If you are sending them so she will comment on them, then stop because she is not doing what you want.

do you message or just send videos?

thanks for the perspective @lovesdaisy - I †hink I need to reframe it so it doesn't cause resentment in me.

Ah I read as a group what's app....

I would be so happy if my DD sent me regular videos of DGC.

do you ask her how she is?
perhaps she is struggling more than you know through the pandemic

The way she interacts with the world is not the way I interact with it if that makes sense?
The lies the main issue. Her not reply is minor. You wanting or expecting her to interact with the world the way you do is major. But not everyone has to be like you. Some people are expressive, others are not. Some are polite, others are "rude". Some people are them. Others are you. You have two options imo.
Send fewer videos without expectations or interpreting her reactions with a million assumptions
Stop sending unless she asks. Then send one not many

This wouldn't bother me. You make the videos anyway, it's no effort to send them to one extra person. Move on and focus on other things.

Unless videos are particularly funny they're pretty boring. Just as going through 100's of someone else's holiday photos is mind numbing.

My ils never had my mobile number.. Made for a less stressful life.
Mil can contact dh if she wants to. He can send pics if he wants to.

10 videos over 2 weeks at one point, and otherwise consistently by your own description. There’s your answer. I would want to smash the phone. I’m sure she loves your son but that’s just over the top behaviour and I wouldn’t indulge it either.

@CrowdedHouseinQuarantine I do send her messages and ask how she is doing, we do also facetime.

Thanks for all of the replies. This has given me lots to think about and moving forward I know I need to minimise my expectations of her and her behaviour and accept the relationship for what it is. I would have liked a closer relationship and I feel like I've tried really hard the last year to achieve that but I also need to keep my expectations in check.

I will stop sending videos unless she asks, my dh sends her very ocassional updates so maybe this is enough. If she asks for more I will send more.

@HoppingPavlova it's not over the top at all in my families opinion. As I said, my sister shares as many videos of my cousin and I've loved receiving them since we've been in lockdown. We wouldn't normally send so many. But I guess this is where different expectations for communication come in.

@Canalhouse

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz that's really good advice. Thank you. I do appreciate that this is as much my problem as hers as my expectations for our relationship clearly aren't matching what she is capable of.

Why would you stop sending them?

You are comparing her to your family, just because she does some things differently to your family doesn't mean it's wrong.

What you see as rude, she may not.

Why don't you ask her?

My SIL sends my mum hundreds of pictures and videos of my niece on a weekly basis. Sometimes, the things she sends are identical, selfies of her and baby etc.
Mum likes the odd picture but not every day/week and finds it a bit strange that SIL sends selfies and multiples of pictures. She can't possibly reply to them all.
Stopping sending them unless she asks is a good idea. Saves stress then.

Some people don't engage well with people, including children, who aren't right in front of them. Sort of out of sight, out of mind. I can be a bit like this myself, but it doesn't mean I don't care. DP's parents haven't asked about their grandchildren since lockdown started and were noncommittal when we suggested a video call. But when we called over to drop off a few bits and pieces and spent an hour in their garden, you could tell they were delighted to see their grandchildren - despite the lack of hugs and kisses!

@namesnames because she literally doesn't acknowledge them or even mention them in discussion. I'm too scared to ask her in case it opens a whole can of worms to be honest and I am seen as overreacting - and the vibe I'm getting from this thread is that I am!

@AhBallix thanks for this. This helps me view it much more positively!

I'm trying hard to keep my inlaws involved but it's hard work. My MIL is the same with our 1 year old, no reply or reaction, but when we call will say how much she enjoyed the videos. I think it's just ignorance that it's polite to reply and acknowledge the messages.