To think my male friend/colleague should not have asked me this!

[AwkwardMoment2020]

Backstory: We’ve been colleagues for around ten months and get on very well. It’s an informal, hipster type work place and all of us on the team tend to socialise together. Him and I have genuinely become friends and enjoy each other’s company. He’s always been very respectful and polite and we are both quite reserved people unlike the rest of the team who are more extrovert. We’ve never ever had any reason or cause to discuss sex.

This is our first week back at work in person and today we were having lunch together outside and catching up. My eye was a bit watery from hay fever and he leaned over and kind of put his thumb next to it as if looking closer and wiped a tear away that was running down and then commented it was a bit red looking in a concerned, caring sort of way. Then, really bloody randomly while he still had his hand near my face he said, really seriously

Have you ever let anyone cum on your face?

I was really shocked and told him it was none of his business and not ok to ask me something so personal. He laughed and said “is that a no, then?” and said it’s the kind of thing friends discuss and he didn’t know why I was being so weird.

I don’t really have anyone to ask this in real life as it’s quite embarrassing but AIBU and weird. Or is it just not alright for someone to ask you something as graphic/sexual as that? As I say we don’t have a friendship where we talk about our sex lives or anything remotely sexual.

This man touched you without your permission. He asked you a revolting and distasteful question - twice. In what universe would any excuse or explanation be acceptable for what he did?

The text beginning with "Hey" is vile. There's no legitimate or valid apology there, only him trying to make nice (ha!) after being a prize dick. He's not sorry he did or said anything, there isn't a hint of that. That text is him trying to smooth things over so you'll be nice (vom) and not call him out on his atrocious behaviour.

Don't let him get away with it. What he said wasn't "bantz" and wasn't "quite jokey" but entirely inappropriate and wildly disrespectful. It thoroughly shows what he thinks of women.

to you, OP.

You’re ‘one of the guys’? I’d ask outright in a room full of people if he asks his male colleagues that question.

Sexual harassment, you should report it and immediately stop socialising with him. Harassment isn't about attraction it's about power and the buzz they get from making you feel uncomfortable.

I second @larrygrylls on the hipster work environment. Opportunities for absolutely free-for-all sexism dressed up as being 'cool' and 'progressive' abound.

You need to report him to HR. It's not even about crossing a friend/colleague line. Male friends would never talk to me like this. My partner would never talk to me like this. It's fucking gross and there needs to be a consequence for him.

Jesus wept! Weird and creepy. I would tell him do, and I would report this to someone senior - even off the record - in case it’s thy e start if a pattern of behaviour. What a fucking creep.

Maybe I'm just a prickly so-and-so, but I thought calling you a "special sweet person" was quite yucky too. It's almost certainly meant to be flattering but in a belittling way - like to a child or a pet. He wouldn't have called any of his male friends that, would he? Or would he?

Completely agree with this, it jarred with me too. It looks to me like he's saying "I thought I could get away with speaking to you however I liked, because you're naive and vulnerable." I also think it's a shit apology:

You know me I say stupid things sometimes and I don’t know why I came out with that. - READ: boys will be boys, I can't help it.

I think I upset you and I’m sorry for any embarrassment caused. READ: he's focusing on your reaction and painting you as (over)emotional rather than taking responsibility for himself.

I don’t want to lose our friendship or have it be awkward for us and the others at work. We can talk about it if you want. Or we can never mention it again if that’s better for you. READ: "I know I've overstepped the mark and am potentially in the shit at work now. I want to either have the chance to talk you out of reporting me, or have you drop it." Also a little emotional blackmail mentioning making it awkward for colleagues. He doesn't give a shit about colleagues.

I want you to know I’m here for you and hope youd forgive me for my stupidity. - I think he's picked up on being someone in need of a friend and is manipulating you here into thinking you need him for support, so that you don't report him and ruin the 'friendship'. Same with You take care now It wasn't 'stupidity', it was creeping on you in a overtly sexual way in the workplace, talking to a woman like she's in a porno.

I'm really glad you have a supportive female colleague. It's up to you if you want to formally report or not, but definitely keep a record, witha witness if possible, because unfortunately once he realises that you won't accept his boundary crossing he might turn ugly and try to turn people against you.

I don’t want to lose our friendship or have it be awkward for us and the others at work.

He's saying if you report it, YOU will be the one making it awkward at work. He's happy to let it go so if you make a big deal if it you're the one responsible for what happens. You're not. Reporting it is the correct thing to do. He clearly feels like the last 10 months should have built enough loyalty with you to let him say what he wants without repurcussions.

I'm so glad you're female colleague will stand by you. When i reported sexual harassment i later found out that people who had directly seen it happen lied in order to protect the harasser. It's not an easy thing to do reporting it, not is it fair. Women are taught not to rock the boat but you haven't. He has. All your doing is reacting to what he's done.

@pinksauce
I disagree with the legal definitions you detail - they are too narrow. A person can claim harassment by a colleague during a paid or unpaid lunch break. Their primary relationship is a work based one therefore any discriminatory behaviour outside work is inappropriate and would be investigated by the company.

I mean it's not fair on you. You didn't invite it, you didn't want him to say these things but now you've got to go through the stress of reporting it. It's not fair.

I used to,work as a teenager in a male dominated environment (building trade). I’d get asked stuff like this a lot. Looking back I think it was a power type thing.....they wanted to make me uncomfortable and laugh about me/at me.

The way he asked is almost as awful as what he asked. Posing as caring by doing that but being totally unfamiliar and stomping on your boundaries. Well testing them I expect. Gross.
Please report him op or there could be more of this behaviour.

That's not an apology that's damage limitation after finding out you do have boundaries. The fact that he laughed when you were shocked suggests no shame or fear of disapproval. Total power play.

BTW if you’re worried about any blow back from this from male colleagues if it ‘gets out’ or he looks for sympathy I can’t think of a single bloke at my ex ‘hipster’ type work place who wouldn’t wince at that and wonder WTF he was thibkinkingnof/doing when he said that to you.
Cut this weirdo free now.

Gross. What a horrible, creepy man. I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope that the responses on here, and your female colleague's reaction, will give you confidence in whatever you decide to do next.

That's not an apology that's damage limitation after finding out you do have boundaries. The fact that he laughed when you were shocked suggests no shame or fear of disapproval. Total power play.

I cannot emphasise this enough.

When I started at my last company the accounts office was at the HQ in London whereas I worked outside of London in our factory. I had been emailing the accountant about setting up my payroll and he came out over email and asked me 'do you come? I know a lot of women don't until they are in their 30s'

I had never met this man in real life and had been working there about two weeks. I was horrified and told him it was inappropriate.

This is more common than is acceptable

What a grim thing to have happened.

When I think about my male colleagues at work, I just can't imagine any of them - even the really laddish ones - thinking that it was OK to touch a female colleague in what is a peculiarly intimate way and then to say something so utterly, crassly inappropriate.

Whether the apology is genuine or damage limitation, I think his boundaries are seriously messed up. Only you can decide whether to report him or not (at our work place in the current post #MeToo climate his behaviour would be very robustly dealt with by management/HR) but at the very least, I would no longer be doing anything other than keeping a very considerable distance from him and interacting the bare minimum needed to do my job professionally (clearly an alien concept to him...)

Best case scenario: he’s no idea of appropriate boundaries.

Worst case scenario: trying it on in a particularly gross way.

He transgressed by touching your face; that’s something only people in very intimate relationships do. He made it much worse with a question that’s intrusive and highly personal and which could have been highly traumatising depending on your history. An apology is one thing, but I’d be re-drawing the boundaries and not having any more lunchtime chats.

Don't waste your time being offended or reporting it to someone else to deal with.

Just deal with it yourself by explaining very definitely it's beyond your boundaries and cool the friendship. Don't be swayed, don't let him convince you that you are oversensitive (you're not, he is undersensitive to social norms).

@growinggreyer given he’s gay, I doubt I was ever on there!

Alright and the answer to his question would be ‘you’ll never know.’

He knew that was wrong. Distance that friendship. I bet he wouldnt ask keith from accounts that

@Toptotoeunicolour i like that response "no, you are under sensitive to social norms"

This is Gaslighting 101! He makes inappropriate/sexual comment and then minimises your feelings. Saying it was only a joke, You’re overreacting and it was only banter, You are taking it the wrong way!!

His ‘apology’ was completely disingenuous and put the onus on you not to make things awkward in the office, specifically You making your colleagues feel uncomfortable by mentioning it!

In the morning, go straight to the appropriate person, hr or management, whoever you feel will take you seriously and not downplay the situation. Keep factual and try not to get emotional, and be honest. Explain what happened, how it made you feel, how having to face him this morning has made you feel, and how you feel about working with him going forwards.

If this is a one-off, your employer may be limited in what they can do. However, this may not be a one-off, your employer may be aware of other instances of ‘low level’ inappropriate behaviour and your disclosure may be one of many that can show a pattern of behaviour. I can almost guarantee that this won’t have been a one off with this guy.

It is classic predatory behaviour.

"you are such a special sweet person" is utterly cringeworthy given what he's said to you. And so effing patronising. And you have excellent boundaries, you know it's wrong, so don't doubt yourself.

He has sexually harrassed you in the workplace. If you have a friend on side, and now you have his pathetic email 'apology' (where he doesn't actually apologise) as proof, you can report him. If you don't feel you can say it, put it down in writing.

What you don't want to happen is you go in to work feeling awkward and miserable and uncomfortable and your managers don't know why your enthusiasm has gone and your performance has dropped, which will give him power over you.

Obviously he would like it all to go away now that it hasn't worked for him and he knows you won't put up with more.

But before it grows into something that could damage your career, tell your boss in plain language - This is what happened, this is what he said. It's made things awkward. i thought you should know as I don't feel it was acceptable in the workplace and I don't want it to happen again, nor do i want it to affect my work.

I am in my forties now and this kind of stuff doesn't happen to me because men like this know they can't get away with it like they could when i was a docile little 20-something, but when i was younger it was just revolting sometimes, and it makes me so angry that these men are still doing it. And hipster environments are no better than the stuffiest workplaces, creeps can do their creeping anywhere.

Anyway if you don't want to report, don't. But if you do, don't for a moment feel bad for him. He's scum.