To think my male friend/colleague should not have asked me this!

[AwkwardMoment2020]

Backstory: We’ve been colleagues for around ten months and get on very well. It’s an informal, hipster type work place and all of us on the team tend to socialise together. Him and I have genuinely become friends and enjoy each other’s company. He’s always been very respectful and polite and we are both quite reserved people unlike the rest of the team who are more extrovert. We’ve never ever had any reason or cause to discuss sex.

This is our first week back at work in person and today we were having lunch together outside and catching up. My eye was a bit watery from hay fever and he leaned over and kind of put his thumb next to it as if looking closer and wiped a tear away that was running down and then commented it was a bit red looking in a concerned, caring sort of way. Then, really bloody randomly while he still had his hand near my face he said, really seriously

Have you ever let anyone cum on your face?

I was really shocked and told him it was none of his business and not ok to ask me something so personal. He laughed and said “is that a no, then?” and said it’s the kind of thing friends discuss and he didn’t know why I was being so weird.

I don’t really have anyone to ask this in real life as it’s quite embarrassing but AIBU and weird. Or is it just not alright for someone to ask you something as graphic/sexual as that? As I say we don’t have a friendship where we talk about our sex lives or anything remotely sexual.

Thanks everyone, just catching up before heading to bed.

Yes, I’d agree that I don’t think I should take him aside and explain. It minimises things and makes me have to take responsibility and control for his behaviour. Like I’m complicit in it if I cover it up for him.

I do understand re the porn/girlfriend and him being long distance for a while is no excuse. My post that was quoted was in response to other people saying it must be a porn thing due to him being in lockdown.

I said earlier that he’d snapchatted me a couple of times, I checked but did that thing where you can make it look unread and reload it unread (not sure how to explain what I mean). Anyway, it was two pointless things, just an image of the weather and one of a plant of his showing how much it had grown recently .

Then I noticed he’d messaged me too about an hour ago. Big long message unusually for him, he’s only ever done that once before,
all the rest of the time it’s been just a sentence or two.

Of course it started “Hey...”

“Just want to say I hope I didn’t offend you earlier with what I asked you. I don’t know why I said it. You know me I say stupid things sometimes and I don’t know why I came out with that. We can be quite jokey like you are one of the guys and I think I just got it wrong. I think I upset you and I’m sorry for any embarrassment caused. Your a really special sweet person and I don’t like thinking your upset. I don’t want to lose our friendship or have it be awkward for us and the others at work. We can talk about it if you want. Or we can never mention it again if that’s better for you. I want you to know I’m here for you and hope youd forgive me for my stupidity. Promise to engage my brain before I open my mouth next time...really sorry like I said I’m a total idiot. You take care now, have a good night and see you in the am xx”

I’ve not answered because I don’t know how to answer. It’s not ok and while I’m glad he’s apologised and at least acknowledges he was the one who was wrong, it happened and it has ruined the friendship. I just see him as a creep now. I still don’t trust my own judgement but feel like that text plus the other messages is like he is trying to manipulate me emotionally. As a pp says, like it’s a control thing and that’s not ok.

That apology might have been ok if it was a less harmful question but the actual question, I think I’m right in saying, was about a degrading, really really personal act and the idea that he was somehow picturing me like that is upsetting and does change things, apology or not.

I have managed to confide in a female colleague tonight who I get on really well with. She’s a very sexually open, not afraid to
talk about her sex life to anyone person and her words were, what the actual fuck?! Was he HIGH?!! Why the hell would he even ask that? No, that’s NOT ok. I’d have said “No I’ve never let a man cum on my face but you’re about to have a woman vomit on yours you creep” What is going on in his disgusting mind? Creep.

She’s going to stick by me tomorrow and said if I do ever want to speak to management she’ll come with me as she witnessed the whole thing from a distance but didn’t hear what was said. She thought I was upset he’d touched my face from what she saw and she heard me raise my voice so was aware something had happened. So that’s good, I feel I have an ally.

Thanks again for the support on here. It’s helped me on a confusing day when I’ve felt low.

It isnt up to the OP to decide what response the company should make. If she reports to HR then they can decide what to do with her report.

Not reporting would make any future situation difficult to deal with from a company perspective. If OP says nothing now but refuses to work with this person in the future then she is the one who looks like they are being difficult.

That he is snapchatting the OP makes me wonder if he knows that he has crossed a boundary and is trying to normalise what he said.

I hope you will include the inappropriate message with the report of the inappropriate touching and question.

Yes, writing it down helps as well as in just one day he’s;

Asked me a sexual question whilst being physically close, having a hand near my face.

Made out my reaction was wrong.

Sent three messages to me via social media despite me ignoring them all.

Written down, today for sure at least, he has harassed me.

Report and avoid him.

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

Report him to HR. He is testing your boundaries and being massively inappropriate. He is not your friend.

This in spades. His messages to you are an attempt at damage limitation. He knows exactly what he was doing. Make someone senior in your company aware even if you don't feel you want to formally report. He was abusive and tried to gaslight you into thinking you were the issue/behaving oddly. This is not a matter of a silly joke between mates. Never work alone with him. I'm so sorry you experienced this, what a shit.

Sorry X posted with your latest message @AwkwardMoment2020. He is trying to minimise this. If you speak to him directly or not he is trying to make this a 'secret' between you.

You dont have to keep this secret.

Aside from the sexual harassment, touching someone else's face when there's some kind of fluid leaking from it doesn't sound very sensible.

What a grim bastard. Yuk.

Could you send an email to yourself documenting this so it is date stamped in case you don't want to report now but do later? Or ask your female colleague to send you an email saying what she witnessed?
Sorry this happened to you

Maybe I'm just a prickly so-and-so, but I thought calling you a "special sweet person" was quite yucky too. It's almost certainly meant to be flattering but in a belittling way - like to a child or a pet. He wouldn't have called any of his male friends that, would he? Or would he?

Just to remind people the OP said she isn't in the UK so there's no guarantee HR would act the way they might where you are used to. It has to be up to her judgement whether to report up the line (discussing with the union rep sounds like a good idea though). The other colleague sounds like a useful witness if it does come to that. I like that she's a sexually open type but still found the question gross and unacceptable. Because it was.

He is now 'shitting himself' and trying to cover his tracks with the apology. Please report him to your manager OP, this is totally unacceptable.

I would not be surprised if he has done this before or would try doing it again to another woman if he is allowed to get away with this.

I actually think it was quite a nicely worded apology, but I'm not you and I wasn't there.

On the face of it, because of that apology I'd say it's worth a calm conversation about how he was out of line and how it made you feel. Then if you choose to stay out of his way he'll understand why.

He has crossed a line and you're right to be wary. I would document everything so you have a good record. I'm not sure about reporting. I think I'd leave it for the time being. The friendship is over anyway. If he continues trying to contact you outside of work I'd report him then.

You must report it at work. He could continue to make comments like this or it could escalate and you need to have officially documented it!

"he didn’t know why I was being so weird."

To me this is a big red flag - making you feel like the 'weird' one when he has asked something so vile, sleazy and to me degrading in a work situation, like that's what he was thinking as he looked at you. I would think about talking to HR and absolutely steer clear of him, he's a Grade A Creep. And you are NOT being un reasonable!

I’ve not read the whole thread so apologies if I’m just repeating what others may have said...

Op I’m completely horrified by the situation you have posted. You are under reacting. Without a doubt your coworkers behaviour is abhorrent and extremely concerning.
Female socialisation is so powerful. Get angry.

I think ‘hipster’ work environments are a terrible idea. They encourage a blurring of the work colleague/friend line.

It is a disgusting and inappropriate thing to say. However, what would you want out of reporting him? The people here all saying ‘report’ don’t have to deal with the consequences. You do.

I would assume if you reported him, you would want him sacked. But it is your word against his and he would probably deny it. And what if he got a warning. It would be very awkward to work with him after that (although, I suppose he already burned that bridge).

I would have a strong word with him in the first instance (and make a written record of it) and make it very clear that he would be reported if he stepped one foot out of line again.

Fuck making it awkward, it’s awkward already, he did that by being a sleazy weirdo! Definitely report him op, this isn’t okay by any stretch of the imagination.
I used to work in a builders yard, very laddy, lots of ‘banter’, sexual and otherwise, but I am appalled by this too. It’s the fact it was completely out of the blue, nothing would’ve suggested previously that you’d be happy talking to him like that, and all while he was (again, unsolicited!) in your personal space. Awful.

If you decide not to report it, then follow the advice of a PP, and email yourself an account (basically your first post, which is clear and frankly pretty horrendous). That way you have a date stamped record if the situation escalates. If he does snapchat anything that makes you feel even slightly uncomfortable, screen save it, and obviously save all messages.

And remember, if you do report it, you are not to blame for consequences.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable - that’s completely inappropriate and rude.

This is a man who absolutely does not understand boundaries. Well done for pulling him up on it there and then. I would personally really dial back on the friendship as well.

He expects you to think ‘oh what a lovely apology, I won’t take this any further now’. If you report this, or try and avoid him, he’ll start to get annoyed, and you’ll see his true colours again. He’s not really sorry OP. ‘A special sweet person’ is nauseating, you’re not a puppy. It was an absolutely vile comment, and he’s 30, he absolutely does know that was not appropriate. Of course people sometimes accidentally say the wrong thing, but this is not an example of that- you don’t accidentally ask that question- he was testing you, and unfortunately there are women and girls out there who would have hated it but laughed nervously and not stood up to him like you did. He was testing to see if you were the kind of person he could get away with saying things like that to- if you’d shrugged it off, it would have escalated over time. You sound to me like you DO have good boundaries, as you didn’t just ignore this. If you feel you can report him OP, then I really would. Hope you’re feeling ok today and am glad your colleague has your back- we all do too!!

He has apologised and not a forced apology from work but one that he's decided to give. Yes it could be to stop you reporting him or it could be that he actually feels awful.
I'm not sure I would report him but I'd keep all his messages just incase he behaved this way again.
Also if your colleague didn't actually hear what happened I'm not sure she'd be much use a a witness.

Op I hope you got some sleep. Because you ignored him he obviously Started to panic. He Sent the first two messages so youd think nothing was wrong, then the third one to make you think this isn't actually his character. I think he is trying to control the response.I’dreport Straight away today, with the message. Tell HR you dont feel safe.

I am 100% confident he has never asked his male friends that question.

If concerns me how many people would let this go. Women have really been screwed over if so many think this shouldnt be reported in a work place.