To think my male friend/colleague should not have asked me this!

[AwkwardMoment2020]

Backstory: We’ve been colleagues for around ten months and get on very well. It’s an informal, hipster type work place and all of us on the team tend to socialise together. Him and I have genuinely become friends and enjoy each other’s company. He’s always been very respectful and polite and we are both quite reserved people unlike the rest of the team who are more extrovert. We’ve never ever had any reason or cause to discuss sex.

This is our first week back at work in person and today we were having lunch together outside and catching up. My eye was a bit watery from hay fever and he leaned over and kind of put his thumb next to it as if looking closer and wiped a tear away that was running down and then commented it was a bit red looking in a concerned, caring sort of way. Then, really bloody randomly while he still had his hand near my face he said, really seriously

Have you ever let anyone cum on your face?

I was really shocked and told him it was none of his business and not ok to ask me something so personal. He laughed and said “is that a no, then?” and said it’s the kind of thing friends discuss and he didn’t know why I was being so weird.

I don’t really have anyone to ask this in real life as it’s quite embarrassing but AIBU and weird. Or is it just not alright for someone to ask you something as graphic/sexual as that? As I say we don’t have a friendship where we talk about our sex lives or anything remotely sexual.

*I actually think it was quite a nicely worded apology, but I'm not you and I wasn't there.

On the face of it, because of that apology I'd say it's worth a calm conversation about how he was out of line and how it made you feel. Then if you choose to stay out of his way he'll understand why.*

This isn’t the consensus, but I have to say I agree with it. He was clearly out of line...and he’s apologised properly (none of that “sorry if you took it the wrong way” crap - he has acknowledged that he was out of order).. You don’t sound like you’re ready to accept that apology - which is fine - so I’d just give him a wide berth. Different kettle of fish if it happens again, obviously - but I’d be inclined to give someone I’d previously thought highly of the benefit of the doubt. Once.

I couldn’t get over the ‘special sweet person’ bit either. So patronising. Like you’re a cute little pet.

I would report this incident, and I don't say that lightly.

He has clearly been watching way too much porn.

Regardless of whether the apology is genuine or not, I wouldn't feel comfortable being friendly with him again. It would always be in the back of my mind whether he was thinking something inappropriate. He's broken a huge boundary - whether that was deliberate or not is pretty irrelevant.

In OP's shoes I'd be going back and saying I've got your apology, but I don't feel comfortable staying friends with you, and I'm not going to discuss it any further. Worst case scenario is that she's avoided a creep; best case is that he's a genuine idiot and it's given him a bloody good wake-up call about appropriate boundaries. Either way I wouldn't be socialising with him again.

First of all, I want to say I am so impressed that you pulled him up in this straightaway and stood up for yourself. Don’t stop there. Report him ASAP. That is totally inappropriate. I’d never feel comfortable around him again. You don’t have to go into detail in the first instance, just say he said something sexually inappropriate and did not back off or apologise when you challenged him.

IMO him laughing it off and telling you you were being weird to object Is almost as bad as what he said. It’s a very subtle way of gaslighting you and making you think you were silly and over-reacting to object rather than him being wrong to say it.

And from my perspective a lot of people are still no more mature at 30 than they were at 20. I wasn’t. He might be very immature and that’s why he thought he could get away with this. Don’t let that happen. Let him take the consequences and learn from them.

I am really sorry this happened to you.

You know though that creeps, sex offenders, pervs (the whole spectrum) unhelpfully don’t have a big sign announcing I AM A MASSIVE CREEP
His behaviour on the other hand is announcing to you that is is in fact, a massive creep.

I don’t know whether to report him or not because it’s really out of character and also because I find it quite mortifying. Also it’s my word against his isn’t it? I can’t prove he said it.
It’s not out of character though is it - look at the behaviour. Behaviour consistent with thinking he can behave towards you in a certain way. You never know, HR might have a list as long as your arm on this guy.

I don’t think I want to be on my own with him again
This why you need to report him to HR or management or whoever is most appropriate. Your friendship as you knew it is over. He’s testing your boundaries until he thinks he can try again next time.

The only thing you have to do OP, is go to HR, line manager, whomever is appropriate in your company and tell them what happened and give them a copy of that message.

It is no longer your word agains his, he has given you proof and that proof is trying to shut you down, make you play nice. At best he is scared, at worst this is more of him testing your ability to stand up for yourself.

So don't play his game, just report him and request, at minimum, that the 2 of you are never required to work in close proximity, with immediate effect.

And sod anyone who says he just misjudged, give him the benefit of the doubt. He had that at the time and he laughed at you! Whatever his past behaviour, his intentions, you have absolutely no reason to continue working, socialising, exchanging pleasantries with him now he has so badly overstepped your boundaries. None whatsoever!

Can you screenshot his BS apology?
That way you can show your work if he denies he said it.

Definitely report him.
He absolutely knows he shouldn't have said that to you. He's just trying to cover his arse.

Honestly, I'd just let it slide. He's admitted he was wrong and probably feels bad for upsetting you. An odd, out of character mistake, but a one-off error of judgement is probably best just left.

Men do come out with some odd things without provocation. I had a similar experience to you a while back with a male colleague I was friendly with who I had no reason to mistrust or feel uneasy around. We were taking our daily lunchtime plod around the industrial estate talking idle nonsense when he blurted out "I tried to suck my own cock last night." I stopped, stared at him with a kind of shocked and confused look. He went bright red and carried on walking, I did too but in the opposite direction. It changed our dynamic after that, I just couldn't trust him in the same way - he seemed suddenly very weird.

It was certainly inappropriate and did make me feel uncomfortable. He apologised later which I accepted. It didn't seem worth taking it further, I got the impression he was genuine that he knew he was wrong to have said it. That last point was the key; I was confident he would think about his words before airing them in future.

I disagree the OP is not his mum why does she have to endure another uncomfortable experience plus have the risk of another distasteful comment?

She doesn’t, she’s absolutely free to make the choice that works for her. But that’s what I would do personally, and have done in a similar circumstance. I made it crystal clear that if it ever happened again, to me or another female colleague, he would be reported.

Q

That's not an apology that's damage limitation

Exactly my thought @ScrapThatThen

Hi op
I hope you are ok
Please report what he has done and said including him touching your face.
Do not feel sorry for him
He was completely out of order.
I bet his boss will be horrified.
Do not engage with him, he knows he has shown his true colours.

If you want to present proof at work you could reply to his creepy apology as follows: "You touched my face without my permission and said X. What on earth made you think that was acceptable thing to say to a work colleague?"

(Insert exact quote for X).

Hopefully you'll get a reply, with no denial but more apologies. You have it in writing - he did that and said that.

@TatianaBis

I disagree the OP is not his mum why does she have to endure another uncomfortable experience plus have the risk of another distasteful comment?

She doesn’t, she’s absolutely free to make the choice that works for her. But that’s what I would do personally, and have done in a similar circumstance. I made it crystal clear that if it ever happened again, to me or another female colleague, he would be reported.

The problem with this is that we have no idea if this has ever happened before. For all we know he’s been doing this for years, relying on the women being ‘nice’ enough to report him. If He does it again and the woman he harasses says nothing the OP won’t know about it.

Years ago I had some issues with an ex which I reported to the police. They were fairly dismissive of me - until they contacted his commanding officer about it (he was a US airman based in the U.K.). Turns out I was the 2nd ex of his to have similar issues. He was cautioned in the U.K. and then demoted and sent back to the US. If me and his other ex had been ‘nice‘ and said nothing he would have got away with it.

If you don't get him to admit exactly what he said and did, he may try to say his 'apology' was for something far milder.

@AlrightAlrightAlright

When I started at my last company the accounts office was at the HQ in London whereas I worked outside of London in our factory. I had been emailing the accountant about setting up my payroll and he came out over email and asked me 'do you come? I know a lot of women don't until they are in their 30s'

I had never met this man in real life and had been working there about two weeks. I was horrified and told him it was inappropriate.

This is more common than is acceptable

It is common, unfortunately. When I was twenty three and about two weeks into my first permanent job, my male boss asked me if I was a lesbian in front of a roomful of people. It still annoys me to think of how I just sat there and took it. I was very quiet and unsure of myself. No-one stood up for me, or told him to mind his own fucking business.

Call it out, men will get away with it until we do.

Agree with ThatLockdownlife Men are very good at appearing to want to be "friends " with you.However they often have a hidden agenda ,and secretly think about a crafty shag ,even if they are in a "committed"R/L with their GF! I would avoid this man like the plague if I were you .You sound quite young and naive ,and he may try to push his luck with you if he thinks hes in with a chance .And "misconstrue " quite deliberately an innocent lunch /coffee/chat with you to mean more!

You have a witness and an admission of guilt. It happened on work premises during paid time.

Up to you what you want to do next. If I was your manager, I'd want to know if there was a creep on my team.

Totally inappropriate - what a weirdo

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope work is ok tomorrow

AwkwardMoment2020 "Why do I feel like its me thats done something wrong?"Because thats how these men /years of male domination in society have made us feel. Its bloody disgusting! You have done nothing wrong at all,some men feel like women "fancy" them even if they just say "hello"FFS! That is how sexual abuse in the workplace starts!

defintely report, that is creepy AF! Seriously what was even in his head to think that is an appropriate thing to ask? and the apology is definitely him covering his arse in case you do report it so he can say "you're right, and I did apologise but she wouldnt accept it"

twat

I've fallen foul of this more than once (yes, I know)

One older bloke who I'd known for a few years and thought was a genuine friend, once bought me a wrap for lunch when we were sitting outside a cafe having a chat. Afterwards he tried putting his arm around me and started to rub my leg.

This was after trying to evoke my sympathy by going into detail about some treatment he was having for foot-rot < not envy

You're not being unreasonable at all. What a creep.

Horrible, what a creep.