To think my male friend/colleague should not have asked me this!

[AwkwardMoment2020]

Backstory: We’ve been colleagues for around ten months and get on very well. It’s an informal, hipster type work place and all of us on the team tend to socialise together. Him and I have genuinely become friends and enjoy each other’s company. He’s always been very respectful and polite and we are both quite reserved people unlike the rest of the team who are more extrovert. We’ve never ever had any reason or cause to discuss sex.

This is our first week back at work in person and today we were having lunch together outside and catching up. My eye was a bit watery from hay fever and he leaned over and kind of put his thumb next to it as if looking closer and wiped a tear away that was running down and then commented it was a bit red looking in a concerned, caring sort of way. Then, really bloody randomly while he still had his hand near my face he said, really seriously

Have you ever let anyone cum on your face?

I was really shocked and told him it was none of his business and not ok to ask me something so personal. He laughed and said “is that a no, then?” and said it’s the kind of thing friends discuss and he didn’t know why I was being so weird.

I don’t really have anyone to ask this in real life as it’s quite embarrassing but AIBU and weird. Or is it just not alright for someone to ask you something as graphic/sexual as that? As I say we don’t have a friendship where we talk about our sex lives or anything remotely sexual.

That is disgusting... And not right at all. He shouldn't have said that.

If everyone reported every inappropriate comment or action then you'd have to dedicate a whole department to resolving them otherwise no work would get done.
And we could name it something catchy.... like HR.

Not with only 20 employees

it's difficult to tell who's the actual victim

Yeah. The poor, poor innocent man .

I shouldn't have to explain the difference to people between a major incident and a minor one.

We wouldn’t trust your judgement anyway. You clearly can’t tell as you have terrible boundaries and are totally unaware of what normal social interaction consists of.

Keep digging that hole there 😂

stop trying to pull that 'victim blaming' response here

it's difficult to tell who's the actual victim

Alwaystalks500

I'm so glad for you that you've never been on the receiving end of someone sexually harassing you. It must be lovely to be so naive about what unwanted sexual attention can do to someone. In my case it led to PTSD. Oh maybe if id just been more able to handle a simple social interaction when someone made unwanted sexual advances to me at work when i was physically vulnerable and unable to get away. Silly me, if only i had been stronger. Nothing to do with the fact that these toads shouldn't be making disgusting comments in the first place.

Op you are so brave. To tackle this head on and not just let it be swept under the carpet. I hope your CEO helps you. And thank fuck for your colleague she's amazing.

Don't go trying to get statements from anyone else. Leave it to HR. they'll ask for names of anyone else who might have seen or heard anything.

That is disgusting. He's shown you who he is, believe him

Alwaystalking500

Your responses are impossible to respect and you are so very clearly picking and choosing what to ignore and what to focus on to suit your disturbing opinion.

*I have done nothing wrong. I did not ask for this. I will not tolerate it. I will not apologise for not allowing myself to put up with sexual harassment and unwanted touching in my place of work. I will not be blackmailed or made to feel guilty for taking action. I have not made a big deal. I have said I want it logged and want it stopped, not for him to lose his job. If somehow he DID lose his job at the decision of those more senior to me it STILL WOULD NOT BE BECAUSE I HAVE DONE ANYTHING WRONG. I am not the one who chose to ask sexual questions and to touch someone in an over familiar manner.

I did not invite it. I did not want it. I did not like it. I do not want it to happen in future.*

Friends do not ask friends who never speak about sex whether they have let a man cum on their face. Friends do not take advantage of friends or put them in physically and sexually uncomfortable scenarios. Friends do not shame or ridicule friends when they put up a boundary.

I really hope you wouldn’t raise your children to behave in this way or to accept this behaviour.

Brava AwkwardMoment2020
Brava!!!

@Alwaystalks500 Soooo many ways in which you are desperately wrong. No point picking them all apart as you won’t see it. But I do have to ask about this one...

‘When it's someone's job at stake for, let's face it something they don't even know is an issue...’

I mean, whose fucked-up backward mind would not know that asking a female (or male for that matter) colleague if they’d ever let someone cum on their face is an issue. I mean, you’d have to have been living in a cave for the last 40 years to not know that would be an issue.

I don’t know if I would have been brave enough to report but I know damn full well I’m glad I don’t have to rely on you for back up at work. Jesus!

Now I have read the whole thread, I want to say OP I admire you for the actions you've taken and how well you have communicated and stood up for yourself along the way.

You've done everything you can and hopefully next time this creep will think twice before behaving so inappropriately with a work colleague. He sounds like a serious weirdo.

Oh and alwaystalking500 is talking a load of victim-blaming nonsense.

OP,

You have done nothing wrong...ffs

Delete NOTHING.
Do not say a word about that recording.
Nothing.

Thank goodness for your HFC.

This is a horror of a shit show.

Your manager is utter scum...but you know the utter fxxkwit he is ..sleeping with several subordinates????

Delete nothing.

You may seek legal representation, why would you delete evidence, accidentally recorded.

Wait and see how the next meeting goes.

Whatever conclusion to this episode.

That man is a creepy twat that is an utter disgrace.
If he loses his job ...who cares...

I worked a long time in high finance which was sexist and still your OP was awful.

He deserves to be given a class A bollixing and being dismissed.

Your manager sounds just as disgusting as your creepy colleague, I really hope the CEO is more supportive. You’ve been really strong OP, keep it up! Also great to see your helpful colleague is being so supportive

The manager actually sounds worse than the creepy colleague.
HFC sounds amazing!

If he didn’t think that what he did and said was inappropriate, then that is the problem right there!
Things will never improve and women will continue to be subjugated as long as we are sexualised.

100% inappropriate and is also illegal. Sexual assault includes 'Lewd and/or sexual remarks... ....when the conduct is severe or pervasive enough to create a harmful, hostile work environment.'

You now feel awkward around him, and embarrassed to speak to colleagues... Therefore 'hostile work environment' has been met. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's not your fault. Feeling embarrassed is a natural response, and shows you how wrong and out of line he is! Don't doubt yourself, his gaslighting afterwards is another classic sign of the abuser. Don't let yourself feel that 'it was nothing' or let others tell you that. He was bang out of line, and you felt uncomfortable, embarrassed, ashamed, and now affected. Those are real feelings. Report him and make them take it seriously!

Well done again OP.

Do not delete the video whatever you do! Use it to log the exact conversation and then keep it somewhere secure in your personal files in case the manager tries to deny he said any of it.

Stick to your guns. Do not doubt yourself OP. This is a toxic culture at your workplace, as evidenced by the manager's attitude. Sometimes in life we are put in positions we don't ask to be, but we have to stand up and be counted and do the right thing. You are doing just that and I promise you (speaking from experience of successfully challenging a line manager) that in the future you will look back and know you did the right thing by standing up for yourself.

Nearly everyone on this thread agrees with you apart from the appalling @Alwaystalks500 who either must be a man who supports sexual harassment, or a tone deaf women who has a bad case of internalised misogyny, but who either way is unfit to manage anybody in a professional capacity.

Do not delete the video whatever you do! Use it to log the exact conversation and then keep it somewhere secure in your personal files in case the manager tries to deny he said any of it.

This.

If you end up having to use the video, that alone will be proof that you were right to have recorded it.

i agree about the video dont mention it yet but keep it just incase

hope it goes ok tomorrow

Thanks everyone. I’ve downloaded and backed up the video, made accurate minutes and won’t mention the recording unless Manager isn’t being factual.

those sort of things you would only say to someone you are in a romantic relationship with

How romantic 😍

Any news OP?

If you do need to prove manager is lying then I would say in front of both of them “If it helps I accidentally recorded the meeting with Manager due to auto-settings for work, I would obviously never share it without permission, but if you’re happy Manager, then I’ll send it to you CEO so we don’t have to waste time trying to remember what was and wasn’t said.”

I suspect his memory might improve exponentially.

I hope the meeting went well on Monday, OP. And well done for HFC for supporting you with this.