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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my male friend/colleague should not have asked me this!

328 replies

AwkwardMoment2020 · 16/06/2020 23:05

Backstory: We’ve been colleagues for around ten months and get on very well. It’s an informal, hipster type work place and all of us on the team tend to socialise together. Him and I have genuinely become friends and enjoy each other’s company. He’s always been very respectful and polite and we are both quite reserved people unlike the rest of the team who are more extrovert. We’ve never ever had any reason or cause to discuss sex.

This is our first week back at work in person and today we were having lunch together outside and catching up. My eye was a bit watery from hay fever and he leaned over and kind of put his thumb next to it as if looking closer and wiped a tear away that was running down and then commented it was a bit red looking in a concerned, caring sort of way. Then, really bloody randomly while he still had his hand near my face he said, really seriously

Have you ever let anyone cum on your face?

Confused Blush

I was really shocked and told him it was none of his business and not ok to ask me something so personal. He laughed and said “is that a no, then?” and said it’s the kind of thing friends discuss and he didn’t know why I was being so weird.

I don’t really have anyone to ask this in real life as it’s quite embarrassing but AIBU and weird. Or is it just not alright for someone to ask you something as graphic/sexual as that? As I say we don’t have a friendship where we talk about our sex lives or anything remotely sexual.

OP posts:
pinksauce · 17/06/2020 00:14

@Sparklesocks

Work drinks definitely covered as its a work event (unless just casual), but otherwise (as the op has said, their lunch is paid - which is not something I've ever encountered), the lunch hour is just your own free time.

It's generally only conduct relating to the reputation of your employer that is an issue. A significant number of people meet their partners at work, so sexual advances outside of work hours alone (unless they turn to harassment) are not an issue.

The OP has said lunchtime is paid for time, which is interesting.

Browzingss · 17/06/2020 00:15

His facade definitely slid. He played the friend game but deep down, he just sees you as a potential shag.

I’m not going to lie, I’m attractive. I used to think men (eg colleagues) were happy to be friends or “like a brother”; we would have a lovely friendship, but almost always it ends in them making a move and getting offended when they get rejected. It’s like they think kindness must always lead to dating and when that doesn’t happen, they’re more than happy to drop the “friendship”.

It sucks as you saw them as a friend or a gentleman/good person and they ruin the dynamic and completely disregard you. The real them eventually comes out!

Griefmonster · 17/06/2020 00:16

@AwkwardMoment2020 given your latest update, well done for recognising this was wrong and checking. Over time you will get better at trusting your instincts. For now, I personally don't think it matters of you report or not but it is imperative that you set a strong boundary with this colleague. He is not your friend, it is not out of character.

He has shown you who he is. Everything before was a version he chose to show you. He has now shown you this. He didn't become mortified and apologetic as if he couldn't believe he said something outrageous. He gaslit you in to thinking you were wrong for being offended.

Distance yourself, do not engage and sot through the discomfort this will prompt in you. If you want to do the really hard work of putting boundaries in place and respecting yourself enough to maintain them - then you need to get used to doing things that feel uncomfortable.

Take care. What an utter shit bag he is.

confusedandtired99 · 17/06/2020 00:18

Of course that’s not acceptable at all.

Sparklesocks · 17/06/2020 00:20

@pinksauce I still disagree. If your colleague punched you during lunch hour would you say ‘oh well that’s their free time’ and not report it to your work?

It's generally only conduct relating to the reputation of your employer that is an issue. A significant number of people meet their partners at work, so sexual advances outside of work hours alone (unless they turn to harassment) are not an issue

I would argue that any company with any decent sense wouldn’t want their employees making unwanted sexual references to each other regardless of where it happened. Particularly when one party hasn’t consented. There’s a big difference between a drunken snog at the Christmas party and asking a colleague if she’s ever been ejaculated. If OP reported it and they said it was off premises so not their issue they’d be opening up all sorts of legal shakiness.

I would also argue that any company would still be

Original poster
AwkwardMoment2020 · 17/06/2020 00:24

Thanks everyone for your input. I’m feeling quite low and anxious about seeing him at work tomorrow so I might just step away from the thread for a few hours.

I’m feeling a bit upset about not being able to trust my judgement about people. But thank you for helping me see I’m not overreacting and that most women would find this upsetting.

OP posts:
SaraLaraClara · 17/06/2020 00:28

I'm sorry you're upset. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug and strength for tomorrow x

Original poster
AwkwardMoment2020 · 17/06/2020 00:28

Also don’t know if is relevant but we don’t get a full hour for lunch. 30 minutes and we need to stay in the grounds so although we were outside we were still on work premises when it happened. We are also encouraged to “team build” even during breaks so we have an activities area for games in our breaks, outdoor seating etc and it’s not seen as acceptable to eat on your own for example. So I do think something like this would be looked at as affecting our work environment.

OP posts:
Original poster
AwkwardMoment2020 · 17/06/2020 00:29

Thank you Sara

OP posts:
Thinkingabout1t · 17/06/2020 00:29

I will never meet up with him socially again and keep communication to a bare minimum inside work hours.

Good idea, OP. And don't let him gaslight you into thinking it was OK or that you're overreacting. He was disgusting and it was not OK.

pinksauce · 17/06/2020 00:30

@Sparklesocks

I have to hold my hands up, I've had to investigate a case similar to this - not in an unpaid lunch hour, but over a period of time. The legal advice was very clear - it is only for the employer to consider in 3 cases i) In the workplace or during work hours ii) At social events arranged by the employer or iii) On work related trips. It needs to be at a much higher threshold (basically illegal activity that makes the relationship untenable) otherwise.

We were told in no uncertain terms it would be an unfair dismissal and the person being considered would be able to ironically claim sexual discrimination as part of this leading to much higher compensation.

TatianaBis · 17/06/2020 00:33

I wouldn’t report him. I’d take him on one side and say ‘I know you meant it as a joke but it was ick/inappropriate/weird/creepy and if you said that to another woman in the workplace you might get yourself in a lot of trouble.’

I’d give him a chance to learn.

DanniArthur · 17/06/2020 00:33

Eww no! I have male friends that I've known for 20+ years who wouldnt blurt that out! It's actually more a conversation you have with close girl friends while playing a drinking game and drinking massive amounts of wine. He sounds like an utter creep! I'd avoid him like the plague after that

Thinkingabout1t · 17/06/2020 00:37

Oh and please don't blame yourself, or feel foolish, or distrust your own judgement. I would have liked him, from your description, and I'm a lot older than you!

I think he was testing the water, to see how far he could go with you. So you are right to drop the friendship and not reply to his messages. He has no respect for you -- probably no respect for women in general, but is quite good at putting on an inoffensive front.

I hope all goes well for you tomorrow. Remember you have done nothing wrong.

Italiangreyhound · 17/06/2020 00:38

Totally inappropriate, yuck.

I'm not surprised you found the whole thing weird.
Even before social distancing someone touching your face like that would be weird but in the current climate it'd freak me out.

And what he said was totally not appropriate.

AwkwardMoment2020 "I’m feeling quite low and anxious about seeing him at work tomorrow so I might just step away from the thread for a few hours.

I’m feeling a bit upset about not being able to trust my judgement about people. But thank you for helping me see I’m not overreacting and that most women would find this upsetting."

I'm so sorry you are struggling but please do not blame yourself or feel embarrassed. If you want to avoid him, avoid him as much as you can. Speak to him about work stuff only. If you feel you can engage in normal chat, and want to, then do it.

Remember it's totally up to you whether you engage in chat with him again and it is up to you how much you tell him. If he has an ounce of sense he will realize he overstepped mark. Then I would imagine he will try and pretend it was all normal chat. It wasn't and you don't have to put up with it, or explain it to him either if you don't want to.

He is a twat. Thanks

Hydrate · 17/06/2020 00:43

That was totally unacceptable, and really who does he think he is to speak to you like that. I would file an offical complaint. What a bloody immature, creepy pig he is. I am furious for you!

ATomeOfOnesOwn · 17/06/2020 01:03

@pinksauce the OP said she wasn't in the UK so unless you know where she is based and the employment law in that country, then I'm not sure how relevant your experience is.

Goosefoot · 17/06/2020 01:12

I spent a number of years as the only woman in my army unit, and there was some pretty gross talk at times, and some fairly frank propositions others, none of which bothered me really, but I'd have considered that out of line.

TehBewilderness · 17/06/2020 01:40

Please report the unwanted touching and sexual harassment to personnel asap.

LinoVentura · 17/06/2020 02:40

Man's perspective: that's one messed up thing to come out with. To say the least.

I wouldn’t report him. I’d take him on one side and say ‘I know you meant it as a joke but it was ick/inappropriate/weird/creepy and if you said that to another woman in the workplace you might get yourself in a lot of trouble.’

I disagree the OP is not his mum why does she have to endure another uncomfortable experience plus have the risk of another distasteful comment?

Goosefoot · 17/06/2020 02:43

Yeah, I'd not take him aside. I am inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt for saying stupid things in a lot of cases, but I think in this instance that is deeply unlikely and you'd probably give him a thrill mentioning it.

I tend to think the best thing would have been to slap him at the time, out of shock of course, but now, I'd say either report it or cut him off.

managedmis · 17/06/2020 02:47

Him and his girlfriend got stuck in different countries for months with the epidemic so yeah, maybe too much porn/Skype sex messed him up.

^
But you realise this ISN'T an excuse?

How disgusting

managedmis · 17/06/2020 02:49

I'd feel very uncomfortable about this. It's like he had some sort of control over you when he said it - and he knew it.

Durgasarrow · 17/06/2020 03:16

Report him. That is wrong.

CowsGoBaaaaa · 17/06/2020 03:43

That’s gross and inappropriate. Definitely talk to your union rep and friend. I’d be giving him a wide berth from now on, but I wouldn’t confront him about it though, just avoid.