Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my male friend/colleague should not have asked me this!

328 replies

AwkwardMoment2020 · 16/06/2020 23:05

Backstory: We’ve been colleagues for around ten months and get on very well. It’s an informal, hipster type work place and all of us on the team tend to socialise together. Him and I have genuinely become friends and enjoy each other’s company. He’s always been very respectful and polite and we are both quite reserved people unlike the rest of the team who are more extrovert. We’ve never ever had any reason or cause to discuss sex.

This is our first week back at work in person and today we were having lunch together outside and catching up. My eye was a bit watery from hay fever and he leaned over and kind of put his thumb next to it as if looking closer and wiped a tear away that was running down and then commented it was a bit red looking in a concerned, caring sort of way. Then, really bloody randomly while he still had his hand near my face he said, really seriously

Have you ever let anyone cum on your face?

Confused Blush

I was really shocked and told him it was none of his business and not ok to ask me something so personal. He laughed and said “is that a no, then?” and said it’s the kind of thing friends discuss and he didn’t know why I was being so weird.

I don’t really have anyone to ask this in real life as it’s quite embarrassing but AIBU and weird. Or is it just not alright for someone to ask you something as graphic/sexual as that? As I say we don’t have a friendship where we talk about our sex lives or anything remotely sexual.

OP posts:
woodhill · 17/06/2020 13:33

Just dreadful

I remember working as a Saturday girl and had inappropriate sexual comments from an older man. It was horrible

Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2020 13:34

YOU NEED TO REPORT HIM

Yes, I'm shouting because it's that important. You simply can't let this go.

SaraLaraClara · 17/06/2020 13:40

That's a brilliant response to him OP.

I agree with the others, take screenshots and report him.

Cabin · 17/06/2020 13:44

Please do report him. Tell your union rep and HR. Give them the written proof. Then perhaps he will not be working in your environment much longer!

RoseGoldEagle · 17/06/2020 13:56

Great reply OP. Let us know how you get on today. And thank you for doing this- I always think if we all report these things every time, and call these assholes out on their vile behaviour, things will slowly start to improve for women at work. And it’s not easy- I’m not sure if this has happened to me 10 years ago that I’d have had the confidence to have responded as you have- kudos to you OP.

ThickFast · 17/06/2020 17:05

Good you told him that.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 17/06/2020 17:20

What an excellent reply. Well done on being clear and dignified.

Juliet2014 · 17/06/2020 17:25

Good response
But far far too long. He will skim read.

Should have been much shorter and punchier

Coffeeandbeans · 17/06/2020 17:32

Great response. I wish I had had your maturity at your age. Ive let far too many men get away with sexist behaviour. It’s only now looking back I can see this. Didn’t help that I was brought up to think ‘boys will be boys”.

everythingthelighttouches · 17/06/2020 19:08

Do not communicate with him.

This is a clear case of sexual harassment.

He has infringed on your dignity, he has upset you, he has degraded you. He’s got you questioning yourself and worrying about it outside of work.

This isn’t even some sort of “banter about sex”.

Make no mistake, this was not some accidental slip or misjudgment on his part and he is not doing this because he fancies you. It is a nasty game of power.

It is 2020 FFS!!!

Report him to HR, this sort of shit shouldn’t be happening.

Beautiful3 · 17/06/2020 19:44

Brilliant reply, well done.

AwkwardMoment2020 · 17/06/2020 20:08

Sorry for the lack of update and thanks for the support.

Unfortunately I didn’t make it in today as I was rushing to get in early to talk to someone senior to make them aware and I ended up falling and my foot is now various shades of black and purple and I can’t put weight on it or walk so all in all not a great day Blush.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 17/06/2020 20:11

Who the fuck are in the 3% of posters who answered yabu?!!!!

Fk in the states they'd sack him faster than he could end his sentence.

GilbertMarkham · 17/06/2020 20:12

Report him

He could do it again to you or other people.

StatementKnickers · 17/06/2020 20:30

Poor you! Hope your foot is not too bad. Silver lining: creepy colleague will absolutely shit himself about you not being in work...

picklemewalnuts · 17/06/2020 20:38

Oh dear! What a performance! Hope you mend soon!

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 17/06/2020 20:41

Great email.

Sorry about the foot. Imagine the bruises are from kicking his bony arse. Bet that is cheering.

2bazookas · 17/06/2020 20:56

He targeted you as the most reserved, shy female and has been grooming you ever since, probably lying about a GF to make you feel safe.

Now he's made his move , intimate touch with grossly inappropriate sexual question that gave him such a thrill he couldn't resist repeating it. He enjoyed your discomfort. Then he gaslighted you as "weird" because "that;s what friends talk about".

All classic tactics of sexual abusers, and so blatant I doubt it will stop there. He will attempt to re-engage for the next round.

You should write down the whole incident and report him immediately. Meanwhile avoid ALL further contact or overtures from him.

Cabin · 17/06/2020 21:07

Oh dear! Sorry about your foot. Hope you're feeling better soon.

onalongsabbatical · 17/06/2020 21:41

The foot's given you some welcome space. Take care of yourself OP, you're having a rough time of it. Flowers

BusyProcrastinator · 17/06/2020 22:13

I’d report it mainly as if he thinks he’s done a bad thing (which he has) he may try to discredit you so no one believes you if you speak out later.

backseatcookers · 17/06/2020 22:59

Oh my god OP your email to him is fucking perfect. Authoritative, clear, firm and strong. His 'apology' was a joke, he's shitting himself and rightly so. Truly disgusting what he said to you. Do follow through on your boundaries on this, you are in control now. Well done Thanks

backseatcookers · 17/06/2020 23:04

Oh and agree with PP to please forward his message and your reply to HR and request a meeting with them to discuss this.

You need to get in front of him trying to manipulate the situation or minimise, especially if you weren't in today.

AwkwardMoment2020 · 17/06/2020 23:12

Thanks everyone. Really frustrated that this happened to my foot and not sure when I will get back to work as I can’t really walk properly or drive at the moment. I just hope rumours haven’t went round or anything when I’ve not had a chance to give my side. I’d have liked to have been there and to show I’m not letting him ruin my work environment or have any power over me.

Female colleague going to call me later but tbh it’s been a slightly traumatic day and I’m in a lot of pain so I might not be awake!

OP posts:
DisobedientHamster · 17/06/2020 23:25

I'd report him. Another porn addicted lech who thinks women are up for being humiliated and degrading and enjoy this. The fuck I'd let that slip.