To think my male friend/colleague should not have asked me this!

[AwkwardMoment2020]

Backstory: We’ve been colleagues for around ten months and get on very well. It’s an informal, hipster type work place and all of us on the team tend to socialise together. Him and I have genuinely become friends and enjoy each other’s company. He’s always been very respectful and polite and we are both quite reserved people unlike the rest of the team who are more extrovert. We’ve never ever had any reason or cause to discuss sex.

This is our first week back at work in person and today we were having lunch together outside and catching up. My eye was a bit watery from hay fever and he leaned over and kind of put his thumb next to it as if looking closer and wiped a tear away that was running down and then commented it was a bit red looking in a concerned, caring sort of way. Then, really bloody randomly while he still had his hand near my face he said, really seriously

Have you ever let anyone cum on your face?

I was really shocked and told him it was none of his business and not ok to ask me something so personal. He laughed and said “is that a no, then?” and said it’s the kind of thing friends discuss and he didn’t know why I was being so weird.

I don’t really have anyone to ask this in real life as it’s quite embarrassing but AIBU and weird. Or is it just not alright for someone to ask you something as graphic/sexual as that? As I say we don’t have a friendship where we talk about our sex lives or anything remotely sexual.

What a creep.

He was definitely trying on damage limitation.

Well done for responding so clearly.

I hope you have kept copies.

Definitely report him.

Take anti inflammatory pills if you can for your foot and report him with proof.

Appalling behaviour.

Horrible disgusting pig he visualised your tear as cum.
I hope he gets fired.

I have had a male colleague comment on my boobs in front of others and another male colleague grope me and in both instances I instantly thought it was "banter". On top of this, older male senior managers talk to young, female colleagues very inappropriately. My DH has been furious over the fact this stuff isn't banter, women are being conditioned to question themselves on this stuff. Some workplaces have a toxic culture with all of the toxic masculinity in the air. If no one reports it, everyone thinks it's fine but I'd say organisations who think they're "progressive" or hipster type "forward thinking" places can be worse for it - you feel you don't want to be "that person" about someone you had liked on a friendly level. I'm ashamed to say that I haven't done it in the past but I will be doing so, every single time in the future.

Omg op, something else, hope you feel better soon 💐

OP you have responded brilliantly. He has shown you who he really is & you have listened. You mention not being able to trust your judgement a few times - I highly recommend The Gift of Fear by Gavin Du Becker if you haven't already read it.

It's disgusting lockdown has obviously frazzled his brain. X

@AwkwardMoment2020 - because you say he said it in such a serious way and perhaps he wasn't aware of your hayfever - could he have thought you had pink eye?

As in the infection you might get if someone with chlamydia gets close to your face with his manly parts !

Laks0007 are you being serious?!?!

I’ve heard some shit excuses and defending of sexual harassment in my time but you have just taken the

@Laks0007 dear god. Seriously twisting yourself in knots there justifying sexual harassment! He isnt the work place Nominated sexual health lead.

It was inappropriate to ask but I imagine it's because you can eye infections from doing that. Maybe he misread your relationship. There are people I'd say things like that to and some I wouldn't .

TBH the touching your face creeped me out more than the question.

I think the relationship was closer than you realise as you dont seem shocked he leant forward and touched your face (in the middle of a pandemic). I'm close to a male colleague after sitting next to him for 18 years, we talk about all sorts including sexual exploits, but we've never done something as intimate as wiping a tear away from a face!!!

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn it might not be appropriate but this guy might have no boundaries and was genuinely concerned.

It would still make me uncomfortable, but in my experience of these "hipster workplaces" lines are blurred and boundaries are ambiguous.

Just catching up.

He wasn’t asking me if someone had cum in my eye and infected it .

He wanted to know if I had ever let a man cum on my face. That was the exact wording. Twice.

He also knows that I have been very single for five years and we’ve been in lockdown and I live alone so of course he knew I didn’t have a sex related eye injury.

He knew the eye problem was hay fever related because he has similar but we both thought an insect might have flown near it hence him looking.

@Nottherealslimshady: It was inappropriate to ask but I imagine it's because you can eye infections from doing that. Maybe he misread your relationship. There are people I'd say things like that to and some I wouldn't .

ffs - this must be written by a man!

Asking if someone had ever had a man cum on their face is not in any way in the Blurred lines and ambiguous column.

You mentioned his girlfriend, you good friends with her, @AwkwardMoment2020?
I’m sure she’d be thrilled to know what kind of a person she’s really dating ? And the reason he was getting disciplined at work.

Agree with previous posters that he was chancing his arm and testing your boundaries, I couldn’t continue to work with someone like that and I’d be making it known why

@overnightangel No, it’s a long distance relationship so not had the opportunity to meet her at any social events or anything and only one of our colleagues has met her (bumped into them on a date). He definitely seems to be in love with her as he mentions her almost constantly. From what I have heard/the way he speaks about her, I really don’t think he even would have asked her what he’s asked me.

The female very sex-positive colleague I mentioned says she thinks he has a huge virgin/whore complex and that to her he seems to regularly refer to women who show skin, have casual sex, drink a lot etc as “sluts” whilst his girlfriend is “not like that”, his girlfriend would “never behave that way”, doesn’t ever wear makeup/tight clothing/show cleavage etc. This is the first of me hearing this. I doubt I would have wanted to have a friendship with him had I known. She also mentioned that another (female) colleague had once described me as “prudish” and he said at the time, “haha, you must mean she has standards right? Something you wouldn’t know anything about.” So I don’t know if the whole thing has been some bizarre test so see if I meet his weirdo standards.

Colleague says that for the past couple of days he has been going between looking very worried and being quiet and then, bizarrely, attempting to flirt with ALL the women on our (12 person) team. He usually barely talks to anyone of either sex except me and two older men. He seems to find all the women slutty and all the men our age are “too typical man” for him.

She’s sent me a written statement of what she observed and I’ve sent her screen shots of the conversation on messenger and my own statement and our plan is to go together and talk about it to management and explain at this point I merely want it noted and I want a record of it and that I don’t want to be left alone with him. We will give them copies of everything.

Anyway, guess he’s stranger than I realised. I think I’m realising how toxic our workplace is too and that maybe the “hipster” environment thing isn’t for me. A lot of the team casually sleep with each other and there’s a lot of banter and I do get the impression I’ve been judged for not joining in and being private. It’s work...that’s how I feel it should be personal and private life separate. So maybe I need to get out.

Also I’m likely to be off work for a while as it’s a fracture and I’m unable to walk/drive, be on my feet so can’t carry out work duties etc.

He has changed his behaviour so he can explain away his behaviour., maybe to say he is like that with everyone so making it out you've over reacted. Dont go in and ask for it just to be noted. Go and and tell them the facts. It is down to them what to do.

Good for you following through with reporting this and saying you don't want to be left alone with him. I'm so impressed with how you've handled this.

Colleague says that for the past couple of days he has been going between looking very worried and being quiet and then, bizarrely, attempting to flirt with ALL the women on our (12 person) team.

Ugh how embarrassing, he's trying to get ahead of you saying anything so he can defend himself with a "what?! I'm like that with everyone!"

Stick to your guns, well done you

He has changed his behaviour so he can explain away his behaviour., maybe to say he is like that with everyone so making it out you've over reacted. Dont go in and ask for it just to be noted. Go and and tell them the facts. It is down to them what to do.

Excellent observation and advice , @LorenzoVonMatterhorn 👌🏻

He knows he has majorly Fxxked up.and he is whizzing round in circles desperately trying to cover his arse with even more bizarre behaviour.

He's a freak.

The virgin nun crap explains a lot.

You would be amazed at the amount of freaks out there that have a bit of experience yet either only want to date little virgins or date virgins that they will give them the benefit of their experience to.

They are all freaks....I came across a few in my time and knew it was pure arrogance and ego that fueled them.
🙄🤢
Freaks, every one of them.

Can you ask for a meeting with HR / senior management over Zoom? That way it is reported while still fresh.

Yeah, female colleague said he’s acting like he’s trying to be a “total ladies man” and she finds it hilarious as it’s clearly all an act to cover up his behaviour to me.

I’m undecided at this stage whether to do it face to face or in writing first. We don’t use Zoom but a similar package. I’m hoping to pick up working from home tomorrow until I’m back in person once the foot has healed.

Before work ended today someone asked where I was (I’d asked to keep my fall confidential), according to female colleague, and someone piped up, “Creepy Colleague gave her the ‘rona” obviously as a joke. He looked shocked apparently and said “why me? I’ve got nothing to do with it.” and the other person said they’d saw him touch me and then get another colleague said something like “we were stood watching at the window cos we thought you were gonna kiss her but she totally gave you the brush off. That must have burned!” and they were laughing and joking and apparently he blew up at them and said I’d asked him to look to see if I had a bug in my eye as it was watering (I did NOT ask that) and he shouted “I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND”. Lots of drama even though I’m not in work.

Plus side that means there’s now three witnesses so I’m happy about that. He’s just pathetic though. And obviously the workplace is quite immature. Already looking for new job openings.