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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my male friend/colleague should not have asked me this!

328 replies

AwkwardMoment2020 · 16/06/2020 23:05

Backstory: We’ve been colleagues for around ten months and get on very well. It’s an informal, hipster type work place and all of us on the team tend to socialise together. Him and I have genuinely become friends and enjoy each other’s company. He’s always been very respectful and polite and we are both quite reserved people unlike the rest of the team who are more extrovert. We’ve never ever had any reason or cause to discuss sex.

This is our first week back at work in person and today we were having lunch together outside and catching up. My eye was a bit watery from hay fever and he leaned over and kind of put his thumb next to it as if looking closer and wiped a tear away that was running down and then commented it was a bit red looking in a concerned, caring sort of way. Then, really bloody randomly while he still had his hand near my face he said, really seriously

Have you ever let anyone cum on your face?

Confused Blush

I was really shocked and told him it was none of his business and not ok to ask me something so personal. He laughed and said “is that a no, then?” and said it’s the kind of thing friends discuss and he didn’t know why I was being so weird.

I don’t really have anyone to ask this in real life as it’s quite embarrassing but AIBU and weird. Or is it just not alright for someone to ask you something as graphic/sexual as that? As I say we don’t have a friendship where we talk about our sex lives or anything remotely sexual.

OP posts:
Ifonlywecouldwishuponastar · 18/06/2020 22:40

Er what's happened to social distance? Surely you could report anyway for not respecting your two meter distance?

Isthisit22 · 18/06/2020 22:45

Have an online meeting with your manager ASAP and get this reported. He is already starting to lie about the incident. You need to get in there first and protect yourself.

AwkwardMoment2020 · 18/06/2020 22:46

@Ifonlywecouldwishuponastar As I’ve mentioned several times already on this thread we are not in the UK, we do not have active Covid here and it has never been 2m distance here. I do accept that he shouldn’t have touched my face during a global pandemic but the pandemic really isn’t the issue here.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 18/06/2020 23:00

Well done on how you’ve reacted so far. I think you need to write a factual statement of what happened- initially for yourself, but also to recount to management if need be.

Don’t push yourself out of the job just yet. See how the company respond.

AwkwardMoment2020 · 18/06/2020 23:13

Thanks Honeyroar, I’ve done my statement already and will be giving it to management. I think I’m getting a call in the morning. In all honesty this might just be the final push anyway, the “hipster” work culture isn’t great for me, I’m missing home and it’s not a very big Island so everyone knows everyone and work/life is blurred. I’ve tried it, done it for a few years and ready to move on now I think.

OP posts:
AwkwardMoment2020 · 18/06/2020 23:14

Sorry, I’m getting a call about adaptations due to my broken foot not this incident but I will mention it and see if my supportive colleague can be in on the call.

OP posts:
cstaff · 19/06/2020 08:42

Well he obviously knows that he was in the wrong and the fact that you have more witnesses to his behaviour is brilliant for you, not so much for him. Hence his weird behaviour to other colleagues.

Regardless of whether you want to stay in the job or not, this needs to be reported to HR. At the very least it might make him think twice before he does it to some other woman who was being a friend.

NameChange84 · 19/06/2020 08:56

Omg “Report it!” “Tell HR!” has become the new “Cancel the Cheque!” on here.

She’s said repeatedly that she is reporting it, she’s done a statement, has a witness who has made a statement too etc.

Greenkit · 19/06/2020 10:18

I'm glad you have support from your colleagues. Just make it official, I can't see any circumstances, joking or not, where you would ask your colleague if they had ever let someone cum on their face. Just disgusting sackable behaviour.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 19/06/2020 12:10

His behaviour is becoming depressingly familiar. Sounds like an incel's reaction.

Hope your foot is feeling better.

welliesarefuntowear · 20/06/2020 01:58

I've read through this thread and I'm glad you've managed to talk to someone who has been supportive. When a man does something like this a woman's first reaction is often what did I do to provoke this. Is it my fault in some way. Or is there some reasonable explanation when that behaviour is so far beyond what is acceptable. This is a reasonable person processing what is essentially verbal violence. He has demeaned you in every way. His apology is pathetic. He has made you feel uncomfortable and demeaned in your work environment and that is absolutely unacceptable. I am shocked so many women have advised the op to take his apology at face value. If accepted he has got away with it and there is absolutely no repercussions for him and he is free to do it again. Which he will.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 20/06/2020 08:25

I'm so glad you're going to take this further op.

WinnieWonder · 20/06/2020 11:33

It isnt Bermuda is it? I went there a few times, reinsurance, and found it quite a stifling line up of the same old faces.

AwkwardMoment2020 · 20/06/2020 16:14

Hi everyone. Thanks for your input/encouragement.

Winnie, you aren’t far off with Bermuda. Hope you’d understand I’d rather not identify exactly where I am.

So we did a conference call with the helpful female colleague (I’m just going to call her HFC) and the Manager. We are a very very small (less that 20 persons) team with few people onsite so we don’t have an HR department. The CEO is rarely around and works across two locations and hardly visits our buildings. I’ve only actually spoken to him once in person. The team Manager is older than us, I think nearly 50, but isn’t all that mature and is the one that really dictates the laidback incestuous sort of hipster environment. I’m going to sound mean but he’s the typical sort of guy that’s never settled down, bachelor sort that’s never grown up or took on responsibility and work is his life and his social life. He’s always wanting to mix with us outside of work, only dates women between 18 and early 30s...hopefully I’m painting the picture here!

I informed him there was another issue which was why I was involving HFC and that I have sent him our statements via email. I explained I no longer want to do 1to1 work with Creepy Colleague and that I’d encourage him to read the statement as to why. Manager tried to force me to say there and then and HFC said, “I can say it if you’d prefer” and then I ended up sharing my statement on screen as Manager was quite insistent. I saw him read it and his face when he got to the relevant bit. He sort of winced then sighed and went “Yeah...that’s not really ok. And while I encourage closeness as a team and even physical closeness like hugs, it’s against our policy at the moment for him to touch you like that. I’ll have a word.” Then he tried to move on swiftly.

Confused

HFC was quite angry and said “A word? Is that it? Awkward are you happy with a word? I’m not sure I would be.” Then outlined her concerns.

I said I would prefer to have it logged officially and for the “word” to be more formal, perhaps a meeting with the senior members of the team.

Manager said “Look, I think he’s harmless and is just a bit of a dick...”

Wait for it Angry

“You probably just looked a bit vulnerable in that position and the thought crossed his mind out of curiousity rather than perversion. I doubt the guy has a perverted bone in his body, scuse the double entendre there haha haha!”

Angry

HFC blew her stack. Manager said “You are probably unaware HFC but your tone right now is quite aggressive. I’d encourage you to step back and let Awkward and I work through this ourselves.”

I replied that I wasn’t confident we could work through this ourselves and I would prefer that going forward it was dealt with as officially as possible rather than swept under the carpet and I wanted some more input from senior members, not just him.

He then, I can only describe it as this, started to guilt trip me, talking about the “lasting implications for the closeness of the team and how CC was right about making things awkward and that I shouldn’t hold an innocent enquiry made in the spur of the moment against him as I might be viewed as not being caring towards the team as a whole.”

I asked for an appointment to speak with the CEO. He said “Look, I’d really encourage you not to do that. It’s escalating things way out of proportion.”

HFC again got angry and said that in the UK I’d now have a case for constructive dismissal as he’s not guaranteeing a safe working environment.

Manager said “On the contrary, this is about everyone having a comfortable happy environment.”

Anyway, it went on for a bit. He encouraged me to “take the weekend before making a decision”

The “meeting” was ended. I instantly emailed CEO.

CEO is having a virtual meeting with me on Monday. He’s also emailed HFC to ask if she could provide some form of minutes for the meeting with manager but luckily the whole thing was recorded anyway Grin.

CEO said I can have a rep attend virtually if I want and explained they pay someone external to do HR and he will also attend virtually. So I’m a little more hopeful now as it seems formal and professional.

Also, it’s all happened over the weekend so Creepy Colleague hopefully won’t have a clue.

I don’t want him to lose his job or anything I just want it logged and him told to never do that again.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 20/06/2020 16:18

Your Manager sounds like a tool.

TeaAndHobnob · 20/06/2020 16:22

@lyralalala

Your Manager sounds like a tool.
He really does. Thank goodness for HFC and I'm glad the CEO is taking it seriously.
AwkwardMoment2020 · 20/06/2020 16:24

This is why I didn’t want to have to tell him what CC asked me directly. Because I know he is an apologist for sexist behaviour anyway and a bit pervy and coercive himself. Since I started here I know he’s slept with at least 3 much younger colleagues!

I naively thought I might be taken seriously.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 20/06/2020 16:26

The good thing is, you've now highlighted both a problem with your colleage and a problem with your manager.

Your CEO will be a fool if he ignores that

LookOnTheBrightSide1 · 20/06/2020 16:27

Eh? He really asked you that while you were having lunch outside at work and he is just a work colleague. He I overstepped the mark and those sort of things you would only say to someone you are in a romantic relationship with. It really is not appropriate to say that to a work colleague, but that is some guys for you! If this has made you feel uncomfortable I think you need to tell him and have some boundaries.

AwkwardMoment2020 · 20/06/2020 16:29

@lookonthebrightside

I think you’ve missed most of the thread. I did tell him and I do have boundaries.

OP posts:
LookOnTheBrightSide1 · 20/06/2020 16:40

Awkward Moment 2020
Yes, you are right! I just read the first post and not the thread🙄

cstaff · 20/06/2020 16:58

Well your manager is obviously useless and just wants to keep the peace and not have any hassle on his watch. Well tough shit to him and it sounds like he is part of the problem here. Hopefully your CEO and hr take it all a bit more seriously.

It is also great to have your colleague HFC onside. Good luck next week. I also like the fact that this meeting occurred over the weekend as CC will probably be expecting it to kick off on Monday and will be way behind.

Good luck next week OP Wine. Have a glass.

Regularsizedrudy · 20/06/2020 17:16

Oh my god my blood is boiling reading your manager’s response. Can’t believe we still have to deal with this shit in 2020 Sad

CatandtheFiddle · 20/06/2020 17:18

it actually looks really creepy when I’ve written it down.

That’s because it is creepy.

NewNewYorker · 20/06/2020 17:20

Unbelievable response from the manager!!!!! What a dick!!! WELL DONE for involving the CEO so quickly. What is the CEO like and how do you think he / she will respond? Great that you have been offered a Rep. Take them up on all of this and once again record everything.