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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make a move on my manager?

54 replies

Clarahis · 14/06/2020 15:59

Bear with me please before you all immediately say YABU. I've been working very closely with my manager for a year now and we get on extremely well, lots of similar interests, same sense of humour etc, I massively fancy him. I've never acted anything other than professional because he's my manager and also because he had a girlfriend. He's made some comments to me recently which imply that him and his girlfriend are no longer together and I am single.

We both move onto other projects in a few weeks and are highly unlikely to be working together again. When we're finished, I'm thinking that I could casually suggest to him that we go for a drink at some point to stay in touch. I would obviously be hoping this could lead somewhere but it may not. Would it be a very bad idea for me to do this?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 14/06/2020 16:00

If both single why not?

Does your company have a fraternisation policy?

Ughmaybenot · 14/06/2020 16:01

If you’re sure you are both single and there’s nothing in your contracts re no inter staff relationships then go for it. Life’s too short for what ifs.

Original poster
Clarahis · 14/06/2020 16:02

There are very strict rules (rightfully imo) around dating those in a position of responsibility over you but very soon he will not be. I don't think theres anything specifically prohibiting general colleague relationships

OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 14/06/2020 16:03

FWIW I had a relationship with a manager which ended, not altogether amicably as such, but we were both adults and could act appropriately at work afterwards, which we did for about 4 years until I left the company for completely separate reasons.

Mnthrowaway20202 · 14/06/2020 16:03

Your plan sounds fine

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 14/06/2020 16:03

What has he said that has implied he is single?

Sparklesocks · 14/06/2020 16:03

I think if you’re both single and no longer working together then there’s no issue. It would only be a problem if he was still your manager.

Original poster
Clarahis · 14/06/2020 16:05

The issue i suppose is that I'm not 100% sure he's single. My main clue is that I asked how she was doing and he said 'not sure' and changed the subject. It would be massively overstepping the boundaries for me to directly ask him though

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 14/06/2020 16:06

Under these circumstances, I'd go for it. The worst he can do is say no but as long as you're breezy about it, there'll be no harm done.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 14/06/2020 16:14

Maybe his answer showed he didn't want to get into a personal conversation about his life, but tried to be polite?

MamaLion1319 · 14/06/2020 16:16

How did he make the comments though? In a "hint hint" kind of way or matter of factly? I mean I'd probably drop a message suggesting drinks to celebrate ending the project your on and go from there really

MamaLion1319 · 14/06/2020 16:17

I hate to say it but manager or not, if he had those sorts of feelings towards you I'm sure you'd know a lot more about his personal life than what appears at present

Original poster
Clarahis · 14/06/2020 16:18

Could definitely be that he didn't want to talk about his personal life, I just thought it was strange because previously he was always very open and would talk about her quite a lot

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarahis · 14/06/2020 16:20

If it does then out he's still with her thought, then the worst that could happen would be for him to say no and I wouldnt be any worse off I suppose, although I'd be a bit embarrassed!

OP posts:
Ariela · 14/06/2020 16:22

As your projects are finishing and you're moving on to other things and not working together again, would it be appropriate to suggest you go for a meal out to celebrate the finish of a successful era?

Pelleas · 14/06/2020 16:25

You could probably tell a lot from his reaction to a 'Let's keep in touch' comment. If he's enthusiastic and follows it up with a definite suggestion, he's obviously interested. If he's merely polite and vague, he probably isn't. It would be a fairly harmless way of finding out - not too embarrassing if he isn't interested, because your suggestion could just be seen as friendly.

TwilightPeace · 14/06/2020 16:30

I’d make sure he was single before I did anything. What about asking what he did at the weekend? See what he says.

Original poster
Clarahis · 14/06/2020 16:31

Yep would definitely like to find out if he's single, not sure how to though. We chat about what we did at the weekends and he told me that he just went on a run last weekend and had a beer with a friend, no mention of the girlfriend.

OP posts:
nextslideplease · 14/06/2020 16:32

I wouldn't.

If he wanted you to know he was single and interested, he would have said more, but instead he changed the subject.

I would only say something like "Please keep in touch" and then wait a month min after he leaves to see if he does, and that will let you know.

Original poster
Clarahis · 14/06/2020 16:33

Could it be that he didn't want to overstep the manager - managee relationship though? Or maybe I'm being too hopeful

OP posts:
Trevsadick · 14/06/2020 16:35

Its over stepping boundaries to ask if he is single.

But not over stepping boundries to 'make a move' on someone you work with, without finding out if they are single?

You really should find out if he is single first.

Drag0nflye · 14/06/2020 16:35

Yeah find out if he’s single first 100% . Sounds like he’s being deliberately elusive at the moment. And like you said he will no longer be your manager anymore so go for it!

Original poster
Clarahis · 14/06/2020 16:36

How would you suggest I do @trevsadick? I can't ask him directly of course

OP posts:
Trevsadick · 14/06/2020 16:37

The thing is, they may just be having problems. Or she lockdwon somewhere else. Not mentioning her means nothing.

I do hope it works out though

Trevsadick · 14/06/2020 16:40

@Clarahis why not? You said you get on really well.

I am struggling to see why you can't say something like 'you havent mentioned x for a while, everything OK?'

If he wants you to know, he will tell you. If he doesnt, he isnt into you.

Surely, people who get on at work, often have conversations like these.