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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make a move on my manager?

54 replies

Clarahis · 14/06/2020 15:59

Bear with me please before you all immediately say YABU. I've been working very closely with my manager for a year now and we get on extremely well, lots of similar interests, same sense of humour etc, I massively fancy him. I've never acted anything other than professional because he's my manager and also because he had a girlfriend. He's made some comments to me recently which imply that him and his girlfriend are no longer together and I am single.

We both move onto other projects in a few weeks and are highly unlikely to be working together again. When we're finished, I'm thinking that I could casually suggest to him that we go for a drink at some point to stay in touch. I would obviously be hoping this could lead somewhere but it may not. Would it be a very bad idea for me to do this?

OP posts:

Delatron · 14/06/2020 16:40

Are you friendly with anyone else at work who could casually ask him in conversation?

I’d worry that when he answered ‘not sure’ he just didn’t like you asking about his girlfriend and wanted to shut the conversation down?

As he given you any indication he likes you? Other than the fact you get on well?

I always think you can sense when someone fancies you. Have you got any of those vibes?

Original poster

Clarahis · 14/06/2020 16:43

I do worry I may be seeing signs where there aren't any because I'm looking for them ifywim, but I have thought that there are signs. He always finds excuses to start talking to me about non work things and asks my opinion a lot on new clothes he's thinking of buying for example and laughs at all my non-funny jokes. I've also noticed that he speaks to me differently than he does our other colleagues, but that might just be because we work closely together.

OP posts:

Original poster

Clarahis · 14/06/2020 16:44

Iyswim that should have said

OP posts:

Delatron · 14/06/2020 16:48

Any lingering glances? Have you caught him looking at you etc?

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/06/2020 16:51

Well if he knows your single and the projects ending he knows the time frame to make a move as well as you.

Men are pretty upfront when they want a date.

Original poster

Clarahis · 14/06/2020 16:52

No lingering glances since lockdown, we've been working remotely! I did catch him looking at me though when we were in work and he would blush when I'd catch his eye sometimes

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 14/06/2020 16:55

Nothing to lose if you ask him, although I tend to agree with Clarahis.
Good luck and let us know.

Fefifofaff · 14/06/2020 16:57

Sounds promising! Asking him to keep in touch at the end of the project seems pretty low risk to me. Don't know why you would need to know if he's single or not.

butterpuffed · 14/06/2020 16:59

I'd ask something fairly innocuous such as does his girlfriend work from home too , then see how he replies.

Proudboomer · 14/06/2020 17:01

But you have given him several opportunities to tell you he has broken up with his girlfriend and he hasn’t taken them.

They may be just going through a rough patch with all the Covid lockdown. I think if he was interested in a romantic relationship with you he would be a lot clearer on what is present statis is.

Delatron · 14/06/2020 17:03

It does sound promising then. I’d ask innocently about the girlfriend in passing. Is she WFH too is a good one.

Then if no girlfriend try and give him some idea you fancy him? He may just need a nudge to ask you out.

WeAllHaveWings · 14/06/2020 17:04

How will you feel in the future if you do get together and he is managing a project you want to be on for your career but can't because of company policy? It is always a possibility while you are at the same company. Or if you get together and it ends awkwardly/badly and you need to work together with him managing you later?

I've seen both happening with friends (one was male, so not a sexism thing). Another couple of colleagues who got together agreed one of them should leave, they both went job hunting until one of them found something suitable. Doesn't mean you shouldn't pursue it but you should be prepared for it causing potential problems for you in the future if you both stay at the same company.

Frage · 14/06/2020 17:05

Go for it, OP.

I wouldn't worry about whether he's single or not. If he isn't, it's up to him whether he says yes or no - definitely not your responsibility.

Original poster

Clarahis · 14/06/2020 17:09

@WeAllHaveWings it's unlikely that he'll be managing me in the future but there is a slim possibility so i take your point. The only other part which concerns me is that there is an age gap between the two of us, only 8 years but at the stage of life we're both at it may be a significant one.

OP posts:

LouLouLoo · 14/06/2020 17:17

Just ask him out for a drink to mark the end of the project and see it as just that.

If he agrees then then I’m sure you’ll be able to find out over the course of the evening if he’s single. How long have you and gf been together? Have you and gf got any plans this weekend sort of questions.

Waveysnail · 14/06/2020 17:19

How old are you op?

Original poster

Clarahis · 14/06/2020 17:24

I think the drink to mark the end of the project is a good idea. I'm 23.

OP posts:

iwilltaketwoplease · 14/06/2020 17:31

Go for it if he is single.

I have two children with my manager (back then) now we do something else together work wise.

Fruitsaladjelly · 14/06/2020 17:40

Just suggest the drink and see what he says

ginghamtablecloths · 14/06/2020 17:44

Could you ask how he and his girlfriend are coping with lockdown? If he's evasive I'd hold back. If he says they're no longer together then the road is clear. They may have broken up but he is hoping that they'll get back together - you don't want to get him on the rebound and be dumped later.

At the end of the project perhaps suggest a lunchtime drink to celebrate the end of a successful project and take it from there. If he is available and interested he'll say something.

Frage · 14/06/2020 17:54

FWIW, I'd have fancied him when I was 23, OP, so I can see why you do.

8 year age gap is nothing.

Mnthrowaway20202 · 14/06/2020 18:19

I’m the same age & wouldn’t necessarily date someone 8 years older either, it can certainly be a mismatch as you are in different life stages

What I will say though is that if he was interested in pursuing things with you, he’d have made it clear; if they had spilt up, he’d have just outright said so. That would let you know he was available. If he spoke about her that much I’d be worried about being his rebound, and whether he’d drop you ASAP if she says she wants to get back together.

astuz · 14/06/2020 18:23

Is there no one else you can ask to find out if he's single? People who you both work with, someone who knows him well? Ideally someone who he's mates with?

When I first met my DH, for some bizarre reason I had it in my head that he was married with 3 kids. I really fancied him but for about the first 6 months I knew him I didn't really have much to do with him BUT I got to know a couple of his friends in that time and discovered from them that he was very definitely single and had been for at least the last 2 years.

Also, as a PP said, 8 years is nothing. 7 year age gap between me and DH, 8 year age gap between my Mum & Dad. I know 2 couples with a 14 year age gap.

astuz · 14/06/2020 18:24

Also, I was 22 when I met my DH, he was 29. It didn't feel like we were at different life stages at all.

Mnthrowaway20202 · 14/06/2020 18:30

Whilst I don’t care who dates who, the majority people my age (early 20s) do generally date within our age group. Large age gaps are standardised in older generations

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