A few home truths for my adult ds

[Carpathian2]

It's more of a wwyd really.

My eldest son is 35 and single. He is doing OLD and, although he's had a couple of short term relationships, nothing major. His confidence has taken bit of a bashing and he's now wondering if the problem is him.

Thing is, I think it is him. Every conversation I have with him ( we speak a couple of times a week on the phone and I haven't seen him since lockdown) is one sided. He interrupts me, talks over me and as soon as I start talking about me he shuts down, does my head in! I've told him he does this quite a few times but he doesn't take it in. It's quite draining.

Now he's asking me if I think he's doing anything to put people off. I don't want to knock his confidence any more, but he seems to have little self awareness. If I met him and I had a conversation like he has with me I would back off too.

So, my wwyd is: do I gently tell him a few home truths, or leave him to figure it out for himself? I know he's an adult but I just want to see him happy.

Tell him

I'd point it out. Some people need to actively learn conversational skills.

Thankyou for your replies. His dad told him he was too full on, but he just thought he was joking!

Absolutely! I wouldn’t want to date a man who constantly talked over me! You’d be doing him a huge favour in the long run, particularly if he genuinely isn’t aware he’s doing it, and has asked you if you think the problem might be him.

Definitely tell him. If he was very young ie early 20s I wouldn't but he is 35 and getting no younger. And as you say he is wondering if it is him. Tell him as nicely as possible.

You're all in the right, I'll try and bring the subject up later. Thanks.

Is he an arrogant twat when taking to men or is it just women? Just tell him he's acting like an arsehole.

you must tell him, he probably has no idea. A bit of self awareness might make a world of difference.

I know it's difficult as he is your son and you obviously love him but if it was me I'd be telling him the truth. If his manner is putting people off and he is now 35 yrs old then I don't think he will figure it out for himself.
As you say you can let him know diplomatically but don't sugar coat it. If he doesn't accept your advice and continues to talk over you then I guess that's just the way he is.
If he is your eldest son could a younger sibling maybe have a tactful but realistic word. Whatever happens goodluck.

Imo if your dm can't be honest with you she could be a better dm!!
Good luck.

Thankyou all. He does have a younger brother, but their conversations are mainly banter and they don't take each other that seriously. I also have a daughter in the middle of them who also finds him draining, so it's not just me!

My ex constantly did this. Hence one of the few reasons he's now an ex. I, and what I was telling him always felt really unimportant to him. We're still great friends and he still does it! Yesterday I rang him to tell him some potentially good news and before I had actually got my first word of the conversation out he prattled on for ten minutes about him even though I specifically texted him a few mins before and asked if it was a good time to phone him with some news. Does my head in and it's not an attractive trait at all so yes, tell your son! Listening skills are very important in a relationship.

Definitely say it , I've always been grateful that my mother is usually brutally honest with me. Weve discovered in adulthood that I'm asd, so I dont always understand social cues and I find it helpful that people point things out to me and explain the right way to act , behave etc.. I also have a habit of talking over people, because I'm unsure of when it's my turn but now that I'm aware of it, it's something I can work on. Same for him , maybe he needs to be taught about how to know when it's his turn to speak and to notice the signs from the other person.

I once read a study somewhere that people feel that they had an equal contribution in a conversation when they were actually talking 70% of the time themselces. So he needs to shut up more than just 50%!

I wondered about asd too, he's quite rigid in his way of thinking and behaving and I can imagine that it's a bit too much when you're just getting to know someone.

Yes, tell him. It is something that many people would find off-putting .

Since he's asking, then yes, tell him.

Two questions - is he like this with everyone or just family? Because I am a talker. I know it and it irritates me. But I"m definitely worse with family.

Also, does he have friends, including female friends? Because if he does, he clearly does have the ability to build and maintain friendships. if he only has male friends, then that suggests he has an issue with women.

But as his mother, I'm honestly not sure what to suggest. I'd be inclined to get your dh to talk to him "man to man"

I'd suggest doing a role play with him. Pretend to be his date, and when he talks over you or interrupts, pull him up on it. Even if it's every 30 seconds. Yes, his confidence is low, but it'll keep getting lower if no-one tells him.

When he says, “I wonder if the problem might be me” why don’t you ask him why he thinks that? Kind of coach him.

Tell him. Living someone is also to be strong enough to be honest with them knowing that it might hurt their feelings so upset you, but that ultimately it will help them being happier in the longer term.

@BlingLoving He does have female friends, in fact he makes friends a lot easier than relationships. All through his '20's he travelled a lot and worked loads to get a career off the ground. It's the same old story though, most of his mates have settled down with families and partners, so he's a bit out of step.

I'm not with his dad ( we've always got on well and we've managed to co parent well over the last 30 years) but he thinks he is a grown man who needs to figure it out for himself and won't interfere. So it down to me I guess.

Not looking forward to the conversation, but it has to be done.

It might be his communication works OK in a group but it's a bit much one on one. Fingers crossed, not going be an easy conversation.

@SnuggyBuggy

Thankyou!

I don't think that you can necessarily extrapolate that the way he has conversations with you is the way he has conversations with people he dates. Most people will talk to their mum in an entirely different way than they will talk to anyone else!