A few home truths for my adult ds

[Carpathian2]

It's more of a wwyd really.

My eldest son is 35 and single. He is doing OLD and, although he's had a couple of short term relationships, nothing major. His confidence has taken bit of a bashing and he's now wondering if the problem is him.

Thing is, I think it is him. Every conversation I have with him ( we speak a couple of times a week on the phone and I haven't seen him since lockdown) is one sided. He interrupts me, talks over me and as soon as I start talking about me he shuts down, does my head in! I've told him he does this quite a few times but he doesn't take it in. It's quite draining.

Now he's asking me if I think he's doing anything to put people off. I don't want to knock his confidence any more, but he seems to have little self awareness. If I met him and I had a conversation like he has with me I would back off too.

So, my wwyd is: do I gently tell him a few home truths, or leave him to figure it out for himself? I know he's an adult but I just want to see him happy.

Yes definitely tell him.

I have not progressed friendships or dropped friends (when I saw the light) that does this.

I couldn’t be bothered with it being all one sided, not being interested in anything I had to say, asking questions about me or just instantly interrupting to talk about themselves and telling the same story I’ve heard a million times.

I won’t tolerate it anymore so if I went on a date and they did that I just would never see them again.

@1forAll74, he might not be aware. If your friends are less extroverted, they sometimes welcome someone over the top. Your friends know that you are a decent person and forgive minor faults. Men, especially tend to not have the same sharing/listening relationships that women have and women will let men off more than female friends.

I have high functioning autism, with possibly ADHD. It took me doing a Counselling course qualification and having a good mentor whilst on a BA for me to realise and change my communication style. I mask a lot. I don't understand why other people need me to do what I do, but I go with what they need, including putting kisses on the end of texts (with my DD's). I was around 38 when this happened.

I'd gotten away with it because I was very attractive and seen as 'fun' on a night out.

Be gently honest with him, but also ask for what he wants out of a relationship, children etc, because it could be that he isn't going for what he really wants.

I used to watch millionaire match maker, the men say they want one thing, but go for another. I've seen that in male friends as well. Is he actively seeking women with the same relationship/lifestyle goals, of a similar age, or is he going just for looks, younger etc?

I used to do this to a degree. I have an asd son, and possible asd myself.

I really wish someone had told me.

@dontdisturbmenow

People with ADHD find it sooooo hard not to interrupt because they get excited about a point or idea that pops into their head and in they go, verbally bulldozing over the other person in the conversation This is exactly me, I never considered that it could be ADHD related though, just that I'm a very quick thinker and processor and found others too slow!

Yes me too! I'm always thinking 3 steps ahead. I hope it doesn't mean anything.

Omg I do this too. And have 3 boys with adhd

But then I dont mine people talking over me. My best friend and me having a convo melts both our husbands heads

People with ADHD find it sooooo hard not to interrupt because they get excited about a point or idea that pops into their head and in they go, verbally bulldozing over the other person in the conversation--

-This is exactly me, I never considered that it could be ADHD related though, just that I'm a very quick thinker and processor and found others too slow!

Or, if not ADHD-related, maybe they're equally quick but better mannered?

Having a thought doesn't mean it needs to be vocalised instantly. Why not hold or file that thought until there's a suitable point in the conversation to introduce it? Is holding a thought and listening at the same time not possible? Sometimes the conversation will have moved on, or you'll forget your thought. I think that's just a risk you take in conversation, if you want to be present and participating, not just 'shouting out answers'.

It's a tricky balance isn't it. Sometimes everybody shouting out thoughts is how a conversation becomes fast and exciting but you all have to be able to pause and listen too. 'Conversing' with someone who is only thinking about what they're going to say next, so not really listening at all, is pointless and very common.

Doh, quote fail. Hope that makes sense.

I used eat off my mum’s plate, all the nice bits and then off loads my veg on to hers. I was 30.

sorry, don't want to derail the thread, but, seriously?
As your mother I'd have slapped your hand. How horrible and disrespectful to her.

@steppemum Agreed. I don't even really think it's okay for a 5yo to do that, but certainly not a grown adult. Ugh.

I would show him what he does in a 'see what you did there?' kind of way, when he interrupts you or doesn't listen. I think that would be so much more effective than just starting a conversation and pointing out flaws with no examples for context, that he could then be in denial about. Tough conversation, he won't change overnight either, it will take conscious and deliberate effort from him... I hope he reacts well. Good luck.

Record a conversation with him, talking about a general topic, then play it back to him so you can point out how he does talk over and interrupt, then he will hear for himself

I find a lot of people

Oops
Talk over /interrupt especially men

@Carpathian2 - I have just been watching this video, relating to a friend's child, and it crossed my mind that it might be relevant for your son.
tourette.org/introduction-social-communication-disorder-2/

It might not be - but maybe have a listen and see? Don't be put off by the name being linked with Tourette's syndrome, social (pragmatic) development disorder is a better name. Tourette's doesn't always mean shrieking and swearing inadvertently.