A few home truths for my adult ds

[Carpathian2]

It's more of a wwyd really.

My eldest son is 35 and single. He is doing OLD and, although he's had a couple of short term relationships, nothing major. His confidence has taken bit of a bashing and he's now wondering if the problem is him.

Thing is, I think it is him. Every conversation I have with him ( we speak a couple of times a week on the phone and I haven't seen him since lockdown) is one sided. He interrupts me, talks over me and as soon as I start talking about me he shuts down, does my head in! I've told him he does this quite a few times but he doesn't take it in. It's quite draining.

Now he's asking me if I think he's doing anything to put people off. I don't want to knock his confidence any more, but he seems to have little self awareness. If I met him and I had a conversation like he has with me I would back off too.

So, my wwyd is: do I gently tell him a few home truths, or leave him to figure it out for himself? I know he's an adult but I just want to see him happy.

I would wonder about ASD too, if he's been similar lifelong

I think your mother is the one person who really can say these things. You seem to have a good relationship? Then it has a bedrock of trust.

Make it open though. Don’t just lecture. Cook his favourite dinner or something and have a more open talk. If he doesn’t want to take it in, give him a bit of time... and then bring it up in a few days saying some really positive things e.g. you have fantastic qualities. I just worry you are not getting that across well.

He's a man, he'll never work it out. If my son was doing that I'd be quite brutal about it.
Its for his own good.

I would tell him. Kindly and gently. There is nothing so off putting as a man who doesn’t listen and talks over you. Man or woman actually.

I hate to diagnose on a thread, it's so annoying, but this did make me think of ADHD as well as ASD. People with ADHD find it sooooo hard not to interrupt because they get excited about a point or idea that pops into their head and in they go, verbally bulldozing over the other person in the conversation. I'm like that, my mum is like that and I have to work really hard not to do it. It takes concentration and a fair bit of self awareness and practise. You say he doesn't seem to have much self awareness so this could be the problem. It's not the traits themselves but having the emotional intelligence to go, "'Oh, I was a bit overbearing there, I'll try and listen more next time and ask more questions and STFU'
Men are also socialised to be like this so it's pretty hard to even see they are doing it and want to change. But yes, you 100% have to tell him. Who else will? It's like telling someone they smell - if their mum can't say it, who can?

You HAVE to tell him

I never knew how angry I look in repose and it’s really sorted out a few things

I have a lovely male friend who does this.

He was recently diagnosed with Aspergers.

ASD or not, it will help him to fulfill his relationship goals if he can learn not to do it so I think you have to find a nice way of telling him OP. You sound like a lovely caring mum

Tell him, absolutely.
But don't expect him to just 'get it'. Listening skills take practice.
See if you can find some exercises and try them out with you. For example - you take turns to speak for X number of minutes. When it's your turn to speak the other person allows them time to pause, and just affirm that they are listening with listening "noises" ('mhmm', 'of course' ) etc.

People with ADHD find it sooooo hard not to interrupt because they get excited about a point or idea that pops into their head and in they go, verbally bulldozing over the other person in the conversation
This is exactly me, I never considered that it could be ADHD related though, just that I'm a very quick thinker and processor and found others too slow!

I don't think you will have much joy approaching your Son about this.At 35, he must be well aware of his personal approach to people by now.
If he has traveled and done lots of things in his life up to now, he must have noticed how his slightly self important ways affect people, and taken on board how others communicate together.

Your son is not alone being as such though, lots of people talk, and never listen to others,and it's annoying and bad manners.

That's a good point about ADD, it would explain a lot. Btw, it wasn't me who said to figure it out himself, it was his dad.

WifeOfDarth suggestion reminded me of this. A useful way of showing it will be affecting all his friendships. Big bang theory clip:

Yes, tell him but in a constructive way. In a nutshell, he needs to be a better listener.

@1forAll74 I see what you're saying, but I really need to have this conversation with him. It's not too late hopefully

Oh definitely tell him, in the long term he'll thank you! Even if a man were perfect in every other way, being talked over and not listened to would put me off so fast. He needs to know, it will help him!

Hi OP - he's asked you for honest feedback, but just saying "yes it's you" (however gently) would dent anyone's self esteem. You could make it more positive by suggesting he looks up some "active listening" techniques and "barriers to listening" - he could then try them out on you.

It’s never too late! Adults have hugely benefited from social skills courses - honestly there is so much more awareness out there now. I really struggle with interrupting - think I have adhd

If I were you, I’d delegate the ‘truth telling’ to his sister. She’s nearer (presumably) to the age group he’s dating in. He’ll hear it better from her. Word her up on what you’ve noticed, suggest she takes it easy on him and not put him off completely!

Then you get to be the person who says ‘Hmmm, I think she might be onto something, don’t you?’ when he rings you to complain about how harsh she was.

These things are usually best dealt with by offering practical education of some sort. I bet there’s online courses for ‘conversation’ or even ‘dating’. Just steer him away from those horrid ‘get em into bed’ con men courses.

I agree you sound like a lovely caring mum, and you should tell him.

I have had a couple of male friends who were like this, not bullying but just full of ideas and eager to talk. They were both otherwise likeable and attractive, but i never saw them with a girlfriend of boyfriend.

That was long ago, and I didn’thave the confidence to tell them how off-putting this was. I hope someone was kind enough to help them, as you will help your son.

girlfriend or boyfriend

@Nitpickpicnic I tried asking his sister to have a word because he does it to her too, but she says she loves him just as he is and won't try to change him. Then again, he hasn't asked her for feedback.

@Thinkingabout1t Thankyou! I guess you never stop being a mother.

Tell him the trick to getting a girlfriend is too be a good listener, then to ask questions about what the person said.
That being kind and interested is what holds a relationship together. Maybe explain why you and his dad split is relevant.

I can be a bit like this. I have ADHD with autistic features (it's quite common for people to have a bit of both.)

If you tell him then he can improve his behaviour- not everyone starts on a level playing field. but it is possible to learn a bit with effort.

Every time he interrupts you or speaks over you - stop and say 'I am still speaking'.

I've been doing this with my adult ds who is home for lockdown after his sisters pointed it out to me.

It's not a major issue with him but hopefully he is getting the message 😂