DH sends messages

[Jaemoon]

Hi, I wanted to get a sense of how bad this is. DH has a Facebook account that he doesn’t post any updates or pics on or anything, however he uses the Messenger app to message people he went to school/college/university and their connections. The messages are typically:

• saying something controversial to get a reaction
• pretending to people he went to university with that he has a completely different job (I.e. has a professional finance role but tells people he works in a factory)
• pretends he’s not married
• asking to borrow money from someone who can ill afford it (DH doesn’t need money at all).
• spams 20 people he doesn’t really know at a time about a recent event (e.g. football match score)

We have had some issues and went to Relate for these. I mentioned that I found his messaging very odd but the counsellor dismissed it because he said he does it out of boredom. I think it’s indicative of other issues with him (he is insecure but also feels superior to the people he messages). Does anyone have experience of this? My AIBU is that I think his behaviour is unreasonable. Do you agree? Thanks

Women's Aid OP. They will help you. So sorry you've had to endure this

So glad you are escaping, run as fast as you can!!!

In terms of divorce settlement absolutely go for 50:50 minimum ( as he is a notably higher earner compared to you?) of everything - property equity, pension, savings... absolutely not spousal maintenance you need a clean break.

You ask for 55:45 you can always compromise for what you are really prepared to take, but if it's too low the court wouldn't sign it off.

Good luck!!!

Oh my god - this man is not 'just a narcassist'
And please don't listen to anyone telling you to 'explore his disorder further with him'

Run. Run, run and run some more.

He is clearly deranged and dangerous, no empathy for anyone or anything, a liar and doesnt even care for your well being. Clearly gets off on watching others suffer, cause harm to thierselves etc. So many red flags, so much shock, surely one of the most bizarre things I have read on here!

Its sounds like the actions of a person you see on those murder documentaries on TV.

Please op, get out now, today if possible... he sounds totally unhinged, and its not for you to pick up the pieces, or try and work him out. Set yourself free, and be as free and far away from him as possible. You have nothing to hold you back.

Run.

You will need a shit hot lawyer that understands abuse to protect you and get this divorce done.

He is not likely to let you go easily

You will need an aggressive and proficient lawyer not a soft nice one. There's lots of material on narcissists on here but not so much on these - I had a narcissist ex biz partner though and this is not it.

But there are books and websites and the more you understand the better otherwise you will be thinking he can be fixed and it's not that bad. He's a psychopath. he can't and it is.

You don't have to flee in the dead of night unless he turns his attention to you as his primary victim. But if he gets a whiff of that then it will get dangerous so I think leave no traces online, gather evidence and get all the paperwork before you do anything including.

You'll need to act quickly once the shit hits the fan.

The traits. Lying, arrogance, using people, very charming, manipulative, no real feelings but good at acting, often very smart. Cruel to animals, fucked up childhood. Grandiosity (thinking they are better than everyone else).
www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/high-functioning-sociopath#relationships

He's Walter Mitty
Weird, scary and I'd be off, especially not being married, borrowing money and just generally being a lying bastard.
I wouldn't know what was fact or fiction.

OP I know someone who is a bit like this. Look up “covert narcissism” and see if it fits the bill.

Fr0thandBubble I was just thinking something similar when I read your post. The difference being that the person I knew had a strange combination of bigging himself up, putting others down, hating to look bad, lack of self confidence and bragging. He is also an abuser and does a bit of fraud/shoplifting on the side. Anyone who doesn't know this side to him would see a successful, middle class guy.

NoMoreDickHeads I have thought he could be a narcissist but he is so insecure in some ways (about his looks, the area we live in, etc) that it didn’t quite compute for me. I don’t think I’ve totally understood who can be a narcissist.

Ah, definitely sounds like a covert narcissist to me. It's why we didn't pick up on the person I knew until his wife had left him and told us all the things he had done. You don't think of a narcissist when it comes with obvious anxiety and fear of being seen as a failure, but covert narcissism fits the bill nicely and it's not commonly known about.

Oh my god - this man is not 'just a narcassist'
And please don't listen to anyone telling you to 'explore his disorder further with him'

Run. Run, run and run some more.

Yes, yes, yes. It might be a personality type, but it's not one you can work on with him or excuse. Many abusers are narcissists and you need to be as far away from them as possible for your own safety and sanity.

The thing I found the most worrying is that he doesnt seem to care that you see his messages, I wonder if he is waiting for the showdown with you as part of his attention seeking. Please be careful Op I think he may be dangerous.

Total weirdo. LTB.

I do think it sounds like he's suffering from a personality disorder. You're not safe, from the sound of it.

Your husband sounds psychotic! He’s a massive twat too! His behaviours very strange. Not to sound too extreme but I have a guilty pleasure for serial killer/psychopath documentaries and your husbands behaviour is very familiar with some of the things I’ve watched.

He is weird, he is off the chart. It's an insult to weird people to call him that..
He needs professional help. He must hate himself so much deep down to act this way towards others. You cannot be around someone like that and not be affected.

I hope one of these people he torments turns up at his door and knocks his head off. In real life!

My blood ran cold reading this OP, I'm glad you're planning to leave. Just go, as quickly as you think you need to - and don't look back.

He sounds dangerous. Get away from this man asap

Total dick head

It is extremely worrying behaviour. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near him.

Are you scared of him OP?

Is there anywhere you could go?

I hope this doesnt sound unkind, but I think its possibly for the best you couldnt keep the house on your salary alone. It will give you the opportunity to get a clean break with much smaller chances of him turning up on your doorstep.
Please also speak with your friends and family, and manager very quickly after leaving so you can get their support because I have a feeling you may become his new play thing any way that he can ie trying to mess with your job, making you look like the one who's unhinged.

Have you thought about maybe messaging this person once you've left to tell them what your partners life is really like? So then maybe he can block him.

Honestly he sounds terrible.
I hope you manage to leave him and live a happier life.

If you are uncertain about leaving him - think about how he would behave were you really sick for any length of time and needed help - meals given you etc. How would he behave then?

He's evil. Start making plans, but do not give him any idea of your intention to leave.

he's pretending to be someone he's not - and financially exploiting people as well as being abusive.

he's definitely got a personality disorder.

He's certainly a narcissist and possibly a psychopath/sociopath. He's horribly unattractive and wanted you to risk your personal safety. I'd get far away from him.