DH sends messages

[Jaemoon]

Hi, I wanted to get a sense of how bad this is. DH has a Facebook account that he doesn’t post any updates or pics on or anything, however he uses the Messenger app to message people he went to school/college/university and their connections. The messages are typically:

• saying something controversial to get a reaction
• pretending to people he went to university with that he has a completely different job (I.e. has a professional finance role but tells people he works in a factory)
• pretends he’s not married
• asking to borrow money from someone who can ill afford it (DH doesn’t need money at all).
• spams 20 people he doesn’t really know at a time about a recent event (e.g. football match score)

We have had some issues and went to Relate for these. I mentioned that I found his messaging very odd but the counsellor dismissed it because he said he does it out of boredom. I think it’s indicative of other issues with him (he is insecure but also feels superior to the people he messages). Does anyone have experience of this? My AIBU is that I think his behaviour is unreasonable. Do you agree? Thanks

It is reasonably common to have overlaps of personality disorders so he may have traits such as narcissistic, sociopath or border line.

It requires a specialist to diagnose but rarely will abusers get a diagnosis since they don't view themselves as the issue. Also treatment is not highly successful so change is very unlikely

From my understanding and personal experience he does sound covert and malignant. Narcissism stems from very poor self esteem and self loathing, which the intimate partner may sometimes see. However to avoid the extremely painful feelings that he has he will lash out at others. Creating drama and causing pain to others eases his internal emotions. Boredom is very common because if he did sit still he would have to recognise his emotions. They also have very flat emotions so hurting others is a way to feel excitement. It is caused by childhood abuse or neglect but genetics is also thought to play a part. It is why counselling doesn't work because an element is hard wired as brain scans show that some people have weaker or zero empathy.

It is wise to assume he is disordered and in that case it is best not to confront him. No good will come from it and he is likely to lash out at you. Your leaving could cause a narcissistic injury and that may make him highly vindictive. Once they can't control you they will try to control how others see you. Expect malicious, unfair treatment and a smear campaign.

Do your research on personality disorders Keep your plans secret. Decide what you can live with financially and get away as quickly as you can. You may need post separation support so find a counsellor who has experience of narcissistic abuse. A clueless counsellor is actually worse than no counsellor.

I didn't know what I was dealing with until after separation when his behaviour escalated. Learning about covert narcissism through a therapist was so validating. Now it is clear and it all makes sense. Leaving a marriage after such abuse takes longer to recover but it is possible. You will never get closure but you will find peace.

The other night while sleep walking in the middle of the night but semi conscious I thought I needed to leave the house and instead of telling me to go back to bed, he encouraged me to go out.

God almighty, that is evil. Please OP, don't wait for him to cause you physical harm. He is already gaslighting you and destroying your confidence. He clearly enjoys tormenting other people.

Please, go while you can.

If it was me I would be planning my escape.

So he’s a troll?

I don't think he's a narcissist. I think he has anti social personality disorder (sociopath/psychopath). He has a level of cruelty and deceit that sound very dangerous. Run.

There is no therapy for him. Nothing will help. He has no conscience. He enjoys playing with all kinds of people. Omg hes so not 'just' a narcissist.

The good thing is that he will be tripped up by his own arrogance. Do not attempt communication or to change him. Stay safe x

@Jaemoon

Pollo we don’t have kids and the only joint asset is the house. I can afford to rent or buy a 1 bed flat myself. I’m hoping the house will sell without too much trouble. I asked the bank and they said they wouldn’t let me get a mortgage on it on just my salary. The solicitor said I could ask for spousal support or a share of pension, but I don’t want any links to him.

You could ask for a bigger share of the house in return for not touching his pension or asking for spousal support. That way you would still get a clean break.

For many couples, their pensions are worth more than their house. Especially people in jobs like your husbands.

Please don’t just ignore your solicitors advice.

Remember your husband will seek to negotiate down from whatever you ask for . So don’t start with 50:50 on the house alone. Start at half of everything plus SS and settle for something less than that, that’s acceptable to you.

He sounds like a nasty person OP, from general low level shit behaviour to doing something so he can actively enjoying seeing someone else suffer. It’s good that you are leaving as a relationship with a person like this will chip down your esteem and sense of self worth, plus by association you will be tarred with his behaviour if the shit stuff he does gets him called out.

OP,

I think that FB activity is alarming..I can't get my head around it at all to even fathom what might be going on with that. It is v v strange. I don't think I would be trying to work him out tbh.. tho it sounds like you have tried to seek help with counselling. I would just find it all too much for me. I couldn't trust a person who enjoys lying & manipulation of others. And how he treats you OP. Nothing of what you have described is healthy behaviour. I wonder might he displaying any sort of superior behaviour at work.... there is a reason he didn't get that promotion. You are right to make your plans, I hope it doesn't take too long before you can go.

He's a walking talking living troll

Oh, OP. This is incredibly worrying. He's risking your safety by encouraging you to to go outside while you are sleep waking. Please leave ASAP

I can't understand why someone would be doing these things, as it's a pointless thing to do, and probably annoys a lot of people out there. But there must be some odd and weird reasons why he does all this. It is hard to fathom really, unless he has any other odd personality traits also.

I'd be at least a bit afraid of him. He's behaving in such a strange way that I'd be worried about what else he might be capable of, if he became desperate or angry.

Even if he's not dangerous, he clearly has psychological problems that he's not interested in addressing. When you leave him, you'll also be leaving behind a huge amount of stress.

Is it possible that your DH has some kind of mental illness or personality disorder OP? I ask the question with total sincerity and wonder if this needs consideration ....it’s just such a bizarre thing to do, trying to drum up attention or drama from others - it smacks of a very low self esteem. Could you explore this with him?

It's probably all come about gradually op until it's become your norm and routine, that's why you weren't sure how bad it is. Your reality is all wonky. How will you begin leaving? Sorry if I've missed that.

How old is he OP? I ask as my uncle starting behaviour g in a similar (although not identical) way, and has since been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
How is his mental health? Any other strange behaviours.
It is extremely weird and worrying behaviour. I would be incredibly uneasy if my DH behaved like this. I can’t think of any possible reason as to why someone would. Boredom isn’t an excuse. It may be a contributing factor, but it’s not the reason why he is doing this. The reason is either due to mental health issues or maybe even an evil/narcissistic streak possibly? It sounds like he gets a kick out of it.
I’d be very very concerned and freaked out. I don’t think your counsellors dismissal helped either

He lies and is cruel to people because he is bored? Beware.

Agree totally with the posters who suggested a personality disorder, at the very least.

He sounds utterly dangerous and deluded.
I know it’s easy to say but if I were you I would start getting your most treasured and personal possessions together and seek a way out.

I would rather be living in a B and B and be safe and secure than living with him. I would be sleeping with one eye open.

Please seek advice op and talk to a friend or family member about this for your own safety. These types are often charmers and play on others good nature.

Nothing is as important as you. You cannot be replaced. Please leave soon. Love and hugs to you

He is malicious I think. The stress is causing me night terrors and sometimes I sleep walk. The other night while sleep walking in the middle of the night but semi conscious I thought I needed to leave the house and instead of telling me to go back to bed, he encouraged me to go out. That’s one example of other behaviour.
That's really cruel @Jaemoon

If you hadn't already made up your mind to leave the relationship beforehand, this incident should have been enough.

I'm so glad you've made the decision to leave and are taking legal advice about divorce. I would suggest keeping your thoughts and arrangements as private as you can as his abusive behaviour will only escalate once he realises.

Getting away from him, and separating your finances (so your salary paid into an independent account with separate private password, changing your passwords to email (or better still having a completely new, passworded email account for making your arrangements) and unsynching(?) devices etc.

Have somewhere else confirmed to move into and your important documents (passport, birth and marriage certificates, financial papers) our if the house and in a safe place (parents? Trusted friend?) before you let him know you want to separate/divorce.

Protect yourself OP. If he's treating you like this now it will only get worse once he knows you are planning to leave.

Look luck OP and hope for a happier future. 🌹

Compulsive lying is a red flag for other abusive behaviour. People who have this problem are a lot more messed up than people think.
I would take it very seriously.

Sorry if I missed it but do you have any dcs?

Sounds like he has some deep seated issues.

Not normal behaviour.
If he’s bored why can’t he binge watch something, pick up a book even gardening? It’s not normal to lie to people he’s not seen in decades or spam them.
I would be leaving OP. What happens if those people find out he’s been lying to them? Probably already think he’s a bit of weirdo but do you really want to be acosiated with that sort of behaviour?

Hi OP,
I think him pretending to be working in a factory and asking people money is to entertain his ego and quietly put others in their place. It is for his own satisfaction.
His arrogance is out of order.

Jesus, I hadnt seen the whole thread or the encouraging you to go out until just now, OP! This man sounds dangerous and extremely unstable!