To be sick and tired of....

[Whattodowhattodooo]

.... DH shitty attitude?

I am sick and fucking tired of it. For example: Today.

Saturday has ALWAYS been my lay in. Since we had kids. ALWAYS. It should be no surprise when on a Friday night I say "God I'm looking forward to my lay in tomorrow!" Cue, whinging about how he will be the one getting up early despite working 12 hour shifts etc etc. He forgets that he gets his lie in on Sunday and also forgets that I am caring for 2 kids, home schooling AND working from home during the week. He does fuck all. Gets himself up in the morning, gets ready for work and goes. Comes home when the kids have been bathed and put to bed. His work takes priority. I'm working till 12 at night sometimes just to get my hours in. 🙄

Back to today. It's out best friends sons birthday and we are going down the park for a picnic. I had to go and get present and food etc. At 6am (after 11 hours solid sleep) 10 month old DD2 wakes up
First thing she hears is "Ohh fuck off!" and once he's sat on the bed huffing and stomping she cries our for him and she gets another "Oh just fuck off!" Grabs her out of cot tells me to "Set a fucking alarm" and strops off downstairs. I come down at 9.30 and first thing I get is "I'm going back up for a couple of hours" I tell him he can't as I've got to shops to get stuff for today... "Fucking great" DD2 is finding her voice and eveytime she utters or shouts a noise he goes ballistic. She wants attention and interaction but he just sits there on his fucking phone and then moans when she tries to get his attention 😕

I get back from shopping and DD2 is nowhere to be seen. He says he's put her to bed as "she just kept fucking whinging at me". 2 hours before her actual nap so going to now screw up her routine for the day.

DD1 had been very good all week and had some money saved up from tooth fairy, so I got her a toy. She was so excited. "Daddy, daddy, daddy look!!!" takes his eyes away from his phone for 2 seconds to grunt "yeah". She was crestfallen. He then says he's going up to bed.

I was fucking livid. It's like he can't be arsed with the kids. He's a selfish prick and I've quite frankly had enough of his attitude. I really don't want to go to this picnic today as I know he's just going to sit there with his sunglasses on with a can of cider and a face like a slapped arse. Leaving me to deal with the kids, stropping as soon as I ask him to do anything and just generally being fucking rude.

AIBU to have had enough? Does anyone else's DH have the same attitude... Or should I say any X-DH's? My SIL has already told me to leave him and that she would fully support me as she can't understand how I've stayed so long!!! 😕

I’ve just read some of your updates. I think my DH is undiagnosed autistic too. He has never, ever sworn at our DC. This is probably partly because he isn’t a swearer or aggressive by nature, but also because he is aware of his responsibilities as a parent. Your husband doesn’t seem to understand what parenting is. That’s not autism, that’s stupidity and/or selfishness.

Here we go. He's a twat so must be autistic.

Err no. The OP is clear that he is behaving like a twat and may also be autistic. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Your daughter today woke up to being shouted and sworn at. Grabbed out of her cot. Taken downstairs with an angry man where at best she sat alone without attention moaning. Then when that got too much she was put in her bed.

That is hurting her and very abusive behaviour.

Why you havent kicked him out to his parents I dont know

Is he the boss at work? Because if he's not, you can guarantee he manages it to tell everyone to fuck off or he'd be out of a job. He can control is temper he just chooses not to and is used to you putting up with it.

Raise your standards op (if not your your own sake then your poor daughters'). If you really must give him an ultimatum first then so be it but please follow through if when he is next so vile.

I would be truly ashamed of staying with a man who spoke to our children that way. It's appalling to read and you're living it. You must be partially desensitised if you need other people's opinions on this.

• manages NOT to tell everyone to fuck off not manages to

He sounds so unbearably selfish and unfit to be a parent its hard to believe its an actual adult person we're talking about. To be honest, I have extremely short fuse with people who are verbally (or in any other way) abusive towards children - the first time I heard him say something like that to a kid he'd be out collecting his clothes from the lawn before he uttered another F. You have responsibility to protect your children and I agree with everyone who said that he needs an earful on what an embarrassment of a father he is.

If you want to give him another chance, I guess that a clear ultimatum: 'Either shape up or pack your bags' is an option. But you have to make it clear to him you mean it.

Can he go and stay with his parents? As he is so tired he can be mollycoddled by mummy. Yes you will lose your supposed lie in on a Saturday, but the house atmosphere will be far more relaxed so you will not feel as exhausted and the children will probably be happier. You are doing all the parenting anyway and it will be one less "child" to deal with. You may find you prefer it.

Thankyou all for your thoughts/opinions. Given me a lot to think about. Think it's time I made some tough decisionsm

*Why not just take what he CAN offer (money, occasional household tasks, whatever..) and then ignore him the rest of the time. He can “be a dad” to the kids for X number of hours a week (agree this in advance), the rest of the time he can lock himself away in whatever room and at least you and the children will be saved his negativity and you can make an excuse for him

Far from an ideal situation, but arguably better on numerous fronts for all of you than divorce and being a single parent to two kids. Just treat him like a 1920s throwback, which is basically what he is. You must have known what you were getting*

Possibly less disruptive in the short term @Cam77 but I’m not sure I’d call this better. What about the OP’s fundamental happiness? What about ongoing mutual support? What about being with a fellow adult who contributes, who wants to be with his children, who recognises his partner’s contribution? Why would anyone want to have to organise themselves around “a 1920s throwback”? Is not divorcing and living with a compromise around his behaviour better for the children? Or does it teach them that they must mould themselves around the male demands “Because it’s not Daddy’s allotted time to pay you attention and Daddy’s in one of his moods”. I’m not convinced.

I also think that it’s somewhat unfair to say “you knew what you were getting”; often we meet someone who doesn’t have any demands on them (single, disposable income etc) so the fact they’re a bit spoilt and they’ve always been Mummy & Daddy’s special little angel doesn’t actually rear its head until the pressures of long term relationships, children etc etc unveils them. Neither is any kind of undiagnosed issue obvious either. The indicators may be there but it’s not always clear who you’re marrying is it? I can think of quite a few intelligent, wise friends who found their partners were very different 5 years or 10 years into their relationship and had they known how they’d be as long term partners or parents they might have made different choices..

You say he would never hurt them but what if he snaps? You also said he "grabbed" the baby out if the cot.

You've procreated with an abusive arsehole. Now get rid of him.

Well I haven't read beyond your opening rant but I feel sorry for your children having to endure such a foulmouthed father.

@YouokHun

Exactly this. 100 times over.

OP just wanted to say I agree his behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to be made aware of that and you need to improve things for yourself and your DC and protect all of you as far as possible - which you know as you are questioning the status quo and recognise it needs to change. Effecting change may take time either through separation or working on the family dynamic which is his responsibility too - only you know how best to proceed in your circumstances and I hope things work out well for you.

In response to PP saying that you must have known what he was like when you married him / had children with him, I would disagree - no-one is psychic, no man enters a relationship demonstrating what a twat they are and if they did very few women would give them a freepass into their lives to abuse them. I had the conversation about hypothetical parenting with my DP after reading similar threads on here about the subject. He considers himself a feminist ally, but had to admit while in his theoretical head he would want to be the perfect 50 / 50 parent that reality might well make him feel and behave differently, so even if you have that discussion, it may not translate well into day to day life.

Telling a woman that if her husband is behaving badly towards her and her children it's her own fault for not anticipating it is rather misogynistic don't you think? And also women are supposed to live by the mantra NAMALT - so which is it?

YANBU for being sick and tired.

YABU for staying with him, letting your daughters see this is how a man behaves and what life looks like.

He's wrong to take it out on those poor kids :( would you leave him?

He behaves like this because he wants to, that's the only reason.

Does hell everyone to fuck off, his colleagues, shop staff, GPs etc, or just his small children?

My DH has bone tired, exhausted from his job. He's gone to bed at 2am to be awoken at 6 by DC bounding into bed or tugging at him "Daddydaddydaddy". He has NEVER told our DC to 'fuck off'. I'm sure he's inwardly groaned and heaved a sigh, but he has NEVER sworn at them. Your NOTdH is abusive and your children are getting their 'unfair' share of it. Sometimes words and attitudes can be just as damaging as a slap or a smack.

And the fact that he 'may' be autistic doesn't mean shit. Whether he's flat out abusive or he cannot cope because of autism, he shouldn't be around them if he can't control himself.

Yes, single parenting is hard, but you're practically doing that now, with the exception of a Saturday lie-in. The DC already rely on you 100% and as a single parent lie-ins would probably be a thing of the past, at least for now. But I think you need to think very carefully about the amount of emotional energy you are using up on him. Placating him, resenting him, tolerating him, diverting DC away from him. These all take a great deal of effort. And that effort saps your energy.

Now, think of a home without him. Think of the lack of resentment you'd feel not having his shitty antics and negligent parenting right in front of your face. Think of the calm not hearing his nastiness, not hearing his complaints and whinging. Sure, you may be a bit more physically knackered, but I also think you'd be less mentally tired. And I'll take physical tiredness over a tired mind any day.

You've already said that other(s) are encouraging you to leave him. People who love you don't generally do that without good reason. They are seeing you in this marriage and they believe you'd be much better out of it.

Yes, you have a difficult decision to make. Well, I can't see it being that difficult to be honest. He's an arsehole. And your kids will grow up damaged if you don't anything.

He needs to understand that telling a child to 'fuck off' is not ever acceptable. And that he's the one that needs to fuck off.

10 month old DD2 wakes up First thing she hears is "Ohh fuck off!" and once he's sat on the bed huffing and stomping she cries our for him and she gets another "Oh just fuck off!" Grabs her out of cot tells me to "Set a fucking alarm" and strops off downstairs. DD2 is finding her voice and eveytime she utters or shouts a noise he goes ballistic.

Those poor children and yet you go on to say in another post "He would never ever ever do anything to hurt either of them. Never."

He's already an abusive twat.

I feel so sorry for you and your children. They in particular do not deserve to be treated in such a manner just because he's a selfish manchild who hasn't in any way grown up, and thinks he can behave just exactly how he likes without any repercussions.

He can't.

What a foul way to treat his little girls - as though they're some massive inconvenience to him. Tiredness is no excuse, it really isn't - they're tiny children, they need to be looked after, not ignored and sworn at. :(

The only reason I can see for you not leaving him is that I wouldn't actually want to release them into his care for any length of time on his own, as I'd be very worried that his "care" would be of the same standard it is now - fucking awful!

Aside of that, though, I don't think he's a good father at all and I think you'd do better on your own, without that sort of negativity around.

O P you chose him, you picked him - your babies did not. Character will out. Did he not want children? Even if he didn't, doesn't -that does not excuse his treatment of his children. How old is he? He sound very immature. Does he speak to grown men like that too - or is it just little girls? What a "gentleman"!
One can get very tired, stressed, worried etc but nothing excused such abuse. As I said - you
picked him.

He sounds like an absolute horror! I'm not going to pretend I haven't thought the words before, but who on earth tells their child to fuck off? You just don't - ever! He couldn't even feign an interest in something that excited your older daughter so much! He sounds like a selfish arsehole.

@BabyLlamaZen

Yes I would. Need to look at my options. We rent at present and could not afford it on my own. Would have to move to parents for the foreseeable and look at council/HA's.