To be sick and tired of....

[Whattodowhattodooo]

.... DH shitty attitude?

I am sick and fucking tired of it. For example: Today.

Saturday has ALWAYS been my lay in. Since we had kids. ALWAYS. It should be no surprise when on a Friday night I say "God I'm looking forward to my lay in tomorrow!" Cue, whinging about how he will be the one getting up early despite working 12 hour shifts etc etc. He forgets that he gets his lie in on Sunday and also forgets that I am caring for 2 kids, home schooling AND working from home during the week. He does fuck all. Gets himself up in the morning, gets ready for work and goes. Comes home when the kids have been bathed and put to bed. His work takes priority. I'm working till 12 at night sometimes just to get my hours in. 🙄

Back to today. It's out best friends sons birthday and we are going down the park for a picnic. I had to go and get present and food etc. At 6am (after 11 hours solid sleep) 10 month old DD2 wakes up
First thing she hears is "Ohh fuck off!" and once he's sat on the bed huffing and stomping she cries our for him and she gets another "Oh just fuck off!" Grabs her out of cot tells me to "Set a fucking alarm" and strops off downstairs. I come down at 9.30 and first thing I get is "I'm going back up for a couple of hours" I tell him he can't as I've got to shops to get stuff for today... "Fucking great" DD2 is finding her voice and eveytime she utters or shouts a noise he goes ballistic. She wants attention and interaction but he just sits there on his fucking phone and then moans when she tries to get his attention 😕

I get back from shopping and DD2 is nowhere to be seen. He says he's put her to bed as "she just kept fucking whinging at me". 2 hours before her actual nap so going to now screw up her routine for the day.

DD1 had been very good all week and had some money saved up from tooth fairy, so I got her a toy. She was so excited. "Daddy, daddy, daddy look!!!" takes his eyes away from his phone for 2 seconds to grunt "yeah". She was crestfallen. He then says he's going up to bed.

I was fucking livid. It's like he can't be arsed with the kids. He's a selfish prick and I've quite frankly had enough of his attitude. I really don't want to go to this picnic today as I know he's just going to sit there with his sunglasses on with a can of cider and a face like a slapped arse. Leaving me to deal with the kids, stropping as soon as I ask him to do anything and just generally being fucking rude.

AIBU to have had enough? Does anyone else's DH have the same attitude... Or should I say any X-DH's? My SIL has already told me to leave him and that she would fully support me as she can't understand how I've stayed so long!!! 😕

[bubbleup]

"He does have redeeming qualities he's not an arsehole all the time.... Just over the past few weeks his attitude has fallen off a cliff and this morning was the end of the rope for me."

So it's just "over the past few weeks". Sorry but no, you're making excuses and have been throughout.

You've both been so busy yet in the past few weeks his behaviour has changed so drastically that it's now commonplace to swear in front of and ignore the children, you've managed to psychoanalyse him with a work colleague to the point you're both convinced he's autistic . Your SIL has also somehow been around enough to see this decline and express her view that you should leave him.

Bullshit. Protect your daughters, there is no excuse not to.

[JinglingHellsBells]

Good grief.

How can you accept him swearing like that in front of babies and kids? They will grow up thinking 'fuck off' is normal language

Please stop trying to figure him out.
The time to do that was years ago before you married him or had kids.

You are not his 'rescuer' (read about that syndrome.)

He is an adult. If he thinks he on the ASD spectrum he can see his GP and start getting a diagnosis and ways to help himself. Adults can access a diagnosis and there are support groups.

Yes you can blame his parenting, but equally your own kids will blame theirs they way he carries on!

What work are you doing till midnight?

Sorry but I don't think you can see how awful this man's behaviour is.

Have you ever sat down and had a serious, non-shouty conversation about your red lines and boundaries?

Would it come as a complete shock if you said you wanted to leave?

Does he know how you feel or do you just nag him and get angry?

[1forAll74]

You have been putting up with all this for too long. And it is making your life miserable, not to mention your children being sidelined by this man.
His behaviour is quite appalling.

Only you will know, if you Husband is capable of a change in attitude, or if you can carry on like this or not. A man should not be allowed to spoil his wife and children's lives.

[CrystalTipped]

I'm trying to understand WHY he behaves like he does.

He should be doing that. Fixing him is not your job. Your job is raising your dd's in a calm and happy environment. You know what you should do.

[Yorkiee]

What a prick!!!! Just reading these things I'm so grateful for my husband.

[InspectorCludo]

Bullshit. Protect your daughters, there is no excuse not to

This 100%.

[Straycatblue]

So he might be a total arse , but in terms of advice if you do indeed think he is autistic then.....

...if he is autistic (and im absolutely not condoning his behaviour) then he may well be suffering very badly from social exhaustion that can be overwhelming just from him going to work and having to socialize and probably masking his autism to a certain extent and lockdown etc will have been magnifying this. ( in the same way that autistic children can seem to behave well and cope ok at school but then have meltdowns and behave badly at home because they are so overwhelmed and exhausted and home is a safe place for them to not have to mask/contain themselves anymore).

So he may well be telling the truth that hes exhausted and cant cope.

YOU have to decide what to do with this information, if he is autistic then you will have to find out if he will be willing to get help/diagnosis as he may be completly oblivious to how differently he is acting to what is actually expected of him and see if there is a way to work through his disability to have a family life that is not going to be detrimental to his children and to you because as you've already realised, you have taken on the role of his carer and its exhausting.

There are several long running threads in the relationship boards about living with autistic partners that maybe of some help to you.

Please know though, autistic or not, you've said he would never harm the children and i know others have posted what im about to say but his disinterest and agressive behaviour to them (telling them to fuck off is absolutely aggressive) is absolutely harming them and Im sorry to say but you are going to have some difficult decisions ahead of you as even if he is diagnosed autistic and you find ways to cope with it, its not going to all get magically better and the strain on you can be tremendous. You are going to have to have a good hard honest look at the life you have now compared to the life that you want and decide what to do.

(please excuse any spelling mistakes as Ive been up all night)

[TwoMuchTwoYoung]

Wow he would be out the door, he wouldn’t get away with swearing at my kids and his total lack of interest in them is heartbreaking to read.

[EerieSilence]

Please, leave him. For yours and your daughters' sake. He's a twat.

[DuckALaurent]

If DH abused our daughter like that I’d fucking kick him out of the house there and then.

Your poor children and the damage he’s doing to them

[B0bbin]

He sounds like a real charmer
Hope you can get rid

[fruitbrewhaha]

Was he always like this? How did you end up marrying him?

Have you talked to him about it? What does he say?

You need to set it out for him. He changes or you no longer live together. You can't stay with a man who talks like that to his children. Every parent of small children is tired. It's an awful time at the moment, he needs to talk to you about what's going on and whether there is any light at the end.

[PawPatrolMakesMeDrink]

Do you want to be with him @Whattodowhattodooo?

[Viviennemary]

I don't think either of you should be using such language. And to say it to a child or baby is unthinkable.

[Bakedbeanhead]

This reminds me of my sister and brother in law. He was a complete selfish twat made her and the kids life a misery. Shouting and swearing all the time. He was always tired as well.

She should have left him years ago, the kids are in their early twenties now and can’t stand him.

My poor sister passed away a couple of years ago, I wished it had been him that died, selfish bastard. He really ground her down in the end, she lost all her sparkle. I think what I am trying to say is you never know what’s round the corner. Can you really see yourself growing old with this man ?

Sending you lots of hugs and positive vibes, there is lots of really good advice being given on this site for you x

[Smallsteps88]

This is so sad. Your poor children having that response every time they talk to their dad. it’s not right. Don’t let him do it to them anymore.

[Gimmecaffeine]

My mum is autistic. She really struggles socially and can have outbursts. But she never swore at me or my siblings. She said she just accepted getting up at 5am and enjoyed the cuddles.

Your DH might be on the spectrum, but he still chose to swear at a toddler. You have to draw a line in the sand or you are putting your kids at risk.

[Gimmecaffeine]

Oh, and my DB has very severe ASD and was extremely challenging. She didn't swear at him either

[Quarantimespringclean]

A man who tells a baby to fuck off is not a fit father. You should get him away from your children.

[AriadnesFilament]

He tells your children to fuck off.

That’s just...... those poor children.

Bin him off and listen to his own sister who is telling you he’s a shite.

[AriadnesFilament]

Oh, and at this point, it doesn’t matter why he’s being this way.

His behaviour is damaging to his children. He needs to be away from them.

[Excited101]

Swearing at little one like that is totally inexcusable, always.

[InFiveMins]

Sorry OP but I would be seriously worried how he treats your children when you are not there. Telling a baby to 'fuck off' is worrying. He sounds like he could snap at any moment - I would not have him around my kids.

Put your children first and leave.

[GeorgiaWeLoveYou]

Please leave him OP. This is no environment to bring children up in. Staying with this man will damage your children.