To be sick and tired of....

[Whattodowhattodooo]

.... DH shitty attitude?

I am sick and fucking tired of it. For example: Today.

Saturday has ALWAYS been my lay in. Since we had kids. ALWAYS. It should be no surprise when on a Friday night I say "God I'm looking forward to my lay in tomorrow!" Cue, whinging about how he will be the one getting up early despite working 12 hour shifts etc etc. He forgets that he gets his lie in on Sunday and also forgets that I am caring for 2 kids, home schooling AND working from home during the week. He does fuck all. Gets himself up in the morning, gets ready for work and goes. Comes home when the kids have been bathed and put to bed. His work takes priority. I'm working till 12 at night sometimes just to get my hours in. 🙄

Back to today. It's out best friends sons birthday and we are going down the park for a picnic. I had to go and get present and food etc. At 6am (after 11 hours solid sleep) 10 month old DD2 wakes up
First thing she hears is "Ohh fuck off!" and once he's sat on the bed huffing and stomping she cries our for him and she gets another "Oh just fuck off!" Grabs her out of cot tells me to "Set a fucking alarm" and strops off downstairs. I come down at 9.30 and first thing I get is "I'm going back up for a couple of hours" I tell him he can't as I've got to shops to get stuff for today... "Fucking great" DD2 is finding her voice and eveytime she utters or shouts a noise he goes ballistic. She wants attention and interaction but he just sits there on his fucking phone and then moans when she tries to get his attention 😕

I get back from shopping and DD2 is nowhere to be seen. He says he's put her to bed as "she just kept fucking whinging at me". 2 hours before her actual nap so going to now screw up her routine for the day.

DD1 had been very good all week and had some money saved up from tooth fairy, so I got her a toy. She was so excited. "Daddy, daddy, daddy look!!!" takes his eyes away from his phone for 2 seconds to grunt "yeah". She was crestfallen. He then says he's going up to bed.

I was fucking livid. It's like he can't be arsed with the kids. He's a selfish prick and I've quite frankly had enough of his attitude. I really don't want to go to this picnic today as I know he's just going to sit there with his sunglasses on with a can of cider and a face like a slapped arse. Leaving me to deal with the kids, stropping as soon as I ask him to do anything and just generally being fucking rude.

AIBU to have had enough? Does anyone else's DH have the same attitude... Or should I say any X-DH's? My SIL has already told me to leave him and that she would fully support me as she can't understand how I've stayed so long!!! 😕

[CrazyTimesAreOccurring]

What are his redeeming qualities? There must be some for you to still call him DH and not have left him before.
If he has none then YABU for not leaving him before. I would give someone a pass for once telling a child to FO, we all have bad days. But more than once? Not a chance

[Whattheduck]

Sorry OP I wouldn’t be packing a picnic I’d be packing a suitcase
He sounds horrible you sound like you do more than your fair share and to begrudge you a lie in once a week is ridiculous what a selfish man

[SerendipitySunshine]

That is abusive behaviour towards your children. You cannot ignore him swearing at them.

[Wishihadanalgorithm]

Tell him to Fuck off and mean it. Pack his bags and tell him to are his abusive arse out of the family home. If he ever wants to come back he has to get some therapy for him to to learn how to control his shitty attitude. I suspect he won’t; I would begin building a life without him. You have put up with awful behaviour for too long.

[PhilSwagielka]

You don't tell a toddler to fuck off, wtf.

[wildcherries]

He does fuck all. Gets himself up in the morning, gets ready for work and goes.

10 month old DD2 wakes up. First thing she hears is "Ohh fuck off!" and once he's sat on the bed huffing and stomping she cries our for him and she gets another "Oh just fuck off!"

I tell him he can't as I've got to shops to get stuff for today... "Fucking great"

DD2 is finding her voice and eveytime she utters or shouts a noise he goes ballistic.

I get back from shopping and DD2 is nowhere to be seen. He says he's put her to bed as "she just kept fucking whinging at me".

DD1 had been very good all week and had some money saved up from tooth fairy, so I got her a toy. She was so excited. "Daddy, daddy, daddy look!!!" takes his eyes away from his phone for 2 seconds to grunt "yeah". She was crestfallen. He then says he's going up to bed.

---

This is just from the OP. Absolutely appallingly unacceptable behaviour. I can't understand why you've stayed this long, either. Your children are picking up on their father being a rude, selfish man, who gives not two shits about them, and it sounds exhausting for you. Please think about what's best for you and your children long-term.

[gaia]

I’m really sick of people explaining away horrible shitty behaviour with the whole oh they’re on the spectrum or they’re undiagnosed autistic. My young adult son is autistic and he wouldn’t dream of telling a baby to fuck off, because he’s autistic and not a horrible dickhead. Your husband isn’t autistic, he’s a lazy twat who’s not even interested in his own children.

[skybluee]

For me it's not the language but the fact he's completely disinterested in what your child had to show him, just grunting at her and going yeah when she's so excited, and he views them as a nuisance.

DUMP HIM.

[skybluee]

It doesn't even sound like you like him tbh.

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

I opened this up ready to reply “I always pull a face when my husband gloats that it’s his lie in day in the morning” but... Jesus that’s awful. What you and those poor little girls have to put with is way beyond being a bit tired after an early start. Xxxx

[Thomasina79]

You say he would not hurt the children, but he is hurting them now, what with the swearing, lack of interest, etc not to mention witnessing the way he treats you. He is a self centred bully and if you possibly can you should get him out of your life. You deserve better and so do your children. I read your post with my mouth open in shock and pity for the terrible way you are being treated.

[WeAllHaveWings]

How can you even go back to sleep after that! Stop and think how you are accepting and allowing this behaviour by passively staying in bed, god knows what he is saying and doing to your children while you are not around. It is nothing to do with his mum pandering to him as a child, you are the one accepting abusive behaviour from him as an adult.

You have a choice, your children don't. If you don't make the right choice your children will be significantly negatively impacted by this for life.

[BacklashStarts]

He would never hurt them...erm, he swore at a baby, picked her up borderline roughly and once you were out of the house left her up stairs alone for an unknown duration because she was making noise.

He’s already hurting them. He’s teaching them their basic needs are irrelevant, that if they cry they will be rejection and if they express joy he’ll stamp on it.

The brain lays down its most important connections in the first 5 years of life.

He is mistreating them but he’s not hitting them so you think it’s fine.

[Pinkypie86]

Leave. For a few hours, a few days. Honestly, their worlds fall apart when they have to look after themselves for 5minutes.

I'd call a hotel, tell them you urgently need a room etc.
Leave!
Call his bluff.

[bananafish]

What was your relationship with your parents like, OP? You might get more out of examining that tbh to help you understand why you’re putting up with his behaviour.

Swearing at and dismissing your children is emotionally abusive. You don’t want your children having to deal with that from their father - who is meant to love and care for them, do you?

Sounds like the scales are falling from your eyes. You and your girls deserve much, much better.

[Cam77]

Alternative view:
Part of this (ie your kids having a useless whining dad) is on you, as you obviously knew what he was like going into parenthood. He must have some positives as well as myriad negatives or you wouldn’t have married him. He also brings in a full wage.

Why not just take what he CAN offer (money, occasional household tasks, whatever..) and then ignore him the rest of the time. He can “be a dad” to the kids for X number of hours a week (agree this in advance), the rest of the time he can lock himself away in whatever room and at least you and the children will be saved his negativity and you can make an excuse for him.

Far from an ideal situation, but arguably better on numerous fronts for all of you than divorce and being a single parent to two kids. Just treat him like a 1920s throwback, which is basically what he is. You must have known what you were getting...(?)

[Runnerduck34]

He sounds awful, leave him behind and go on picnic with kids.
I would consider leaving him, he doesnt sound as if he is contributing much to family life and is dragging you down.
His attitude will affect the kids if they have to walk on eggshells around him and he is not interested in them. Yanbu to be furious, he sounds utterly selfish.

[TDMN]

OP this sounds really tough, i'm really sorry you are having to put up with this.

A few questions to ask yourself maybe..

If you had a friend going through this same situation, what would you be saying to them?

Do you want your daughters to grow up thinking this kind of behaviour is normal from a partner and then ending up in a similar situation?

Think about your life a year from now, June 2021 - are you okay with this still being the situation a year from now?

I grew up in a household with this kind of dynamic - they split up when I was a teenager, but by then the damage was already done, and i spent several long term relationships being the peacekeeper to horrible men who didnt put any effort in and spoke to me like shit, just like my mum did, as I thought it was just part&parcel of relationships with men, something you just put up with, and that them treating this way wasn't a 'good enough' reason to leave someone as it was so normal in my mind and in the lives of women around me.
I now know now that just because its common, it doesnt mean its okay, and you dont need a 'reason' to leave someone... but I wasted a lot of time and heartache on shitty men who werent worth my time and I wonder if my late teens/early twenties would be a lot different if I had had a different relationship model. My mum regrets not leaving him sooner and admitted recently that she feels like she failed as a mum watching me repeat her mistakes. She is a wonderful mother who was just trying to make things work as back then there wasnt the awareness that staying together in a shit relationship is worse for your kids than being happy seperately.

[Whattodowhattodooo]

@CrazyTimesAreOccurring

He does have redeeming qualities he's not an arsehole all the time.... Just over the past few weeks his attitude has fallen off a cliff and this morning was the end of the rope for me. He just can't see/won't see what I am having to cope with at the moment. It's all about how he is stressed, how he is tired, how he needs a break.

[OhioOhioOhio]

My xh was like that. Ml

[Ohtherewearethen]

Don't ask him what the problem is, tell him what the problem is - him. That he is a spoiled, abusive shit of a man and father. Tell him that he's bringing his daughters up to believe that people who are supposed to love them tell them to fuck off.
Ask him how he'd react if a stranger shouted fuck off at his baby.
I would not put my kids through any more of this. The disinterest he showed when your daughter showed him something she was delighted with is heartbreaking.

[UnaCorda]

He will be really fucking up their future relationships with men.

[Shinesweetfreedom]

Yup,the damage he is doing to those kids with his cunt of an attitude.
Get shut of him

[GCAcademic]

Bloody hell. You realise your baby’s first word is probably going to be “fuck”?

And that’s not even close to being the worst thing about this situation.

This is abuse of your children, pure and simple.

[missyB1]

Please get yourself and your kids out of this horrible atmosphere that you all live in. He is harming the kids. His behaviour is abusive and it will be affecting them. Don’t force your kids to have to walk on eggshells in their own home.