To be sick and tired of....

[Whattodowhattodooo]

.... DH shitty attitude?

I am sick and fucking tired of it. For example: Today.

Saturday has ALWAYS been my lay in. Since we had kids. ALWAYS. It should be no surprise when on a Friday night I say "God I'm looking forward to my lay in tomorrow!" Cue, whinging about how he will be the one getting up early despite working 12 hour shifts etc etc. He forgets that he gets his lie in on Sunday and also forgets that I am caring for 2 kids, home schooling AND working from home during the week. He does fuck all. Gets himself up in the morning, gets ready for work and goes. Comes home when the kids have been bathed and put to bed. His work takes priority. I'm working till 12 at night sometimes just to get my hours in. 🙄

Back to today. It's out best friends sons birthday and we are going down the park for a picnic. I had to go and get present and food etc. At 6am (after 11 hours solid sleep) 10 month old DD2 wakes up
First thing she hears is "Ohh fuck off!" and once he's sat on the bed huffing and stomping she cries our for him and she gets another "Oh just fuck off!" Grabs her out of cot tells me to "Set a fucking alarm" and strops off downstairs. I come down at 9.30 and first thing I get is "I'm going back up for a couple of hours" I tell him he can't as I've got to shops to get stuff for today... "Fucking great" DD2 is finding her voice and eveytime she utters or shouts a noise he goes ballistic. She wants attention and interaction but he just sits there on his fucking phone and then moans when she tries to get his attention 😕

I get back from shopping and DD2 is nowhere to be seen. He says he's put her to bed as "she just kept fucking whinging at me". 2 hours before her actual nap so going to now screw up her routine for the day.

DD1 had been very good all week and had some money saved up from tooth fairy, so I got her a toy. She was so excited. "Daddy, daddy, daddy look!!!" takes his eyes away from his phone for 2 seconds to grunt "yeah". She was crestfallen. He then says he's going up to bed.

I was fucking livid. It's like he can't be arsed with the kids. He's a selfish prick and I've quite frankly had enough of his attitude. I really don't want to go to this picnic today as I know he's just going to sit there with his sunglasses on with a can of cider and a face like a slapped arse. Leaving me to deal with the kids, stropping as soon as I ask him to do anything and just generally being fucking rude.

AIBU to have had enough? Does anyone else's DH have the same attitude... Or should I say any X-DH's? My SIL has already told me to leave him and that she would fully support me as she can't understand how I've stayed so long!!! 😕

[arethereanyleftatall]

Autism isn't an excuse to tell your toddler to fuck off op.

[tiredanddangerous]

He’s vile abusive bully op. You can’t stay with a “man” who tells your children to fuck off. Kick him out.

[bubbleup]

"He's always been a pessimist. I actually think he is undiagnosed autistic. I KNOW this is not an excuse for him to treat me and my girls like an inconvenience but he has always had issues socially and with emotions, no empathy etc. My friend at work is convinced"

Jesus Christ, why are you trying to make excuses for him? Psychoanalysing him until his behaviour is acceptable because it has a diagnosis

Your poor daughter (the eldest one) having to listen to and witness all of this. Swearing and huffing and the pair of you fighting over who gets to stay in bed the longest

[NiknicK]

I definitely agree that telling a baby to F off is completely inexcusable. If my dh dared to do that I’d lose my shit big time. With regards to the lie in however YABU. Most people when they have kids come to terms with the fact that they can kiss goodbye to laying in bed of morning, at least until kids are much older. My dh is currently working 12 hour shifts and I’m wfh whilst caring for two kids, one of whom has autism. Neither of us has had a lie in for years and it has never caused problems. Yes I supposed we could take it in turns to sleep in at weekends but I find it hard to sleep past a certain time as I’m used to being up early and my dh is up every week day for 5am so he finds it hard too. Plus if we happen to wake up before our kids do then we get a bit of time together on our own which is in short supply especially at the moment. But going back to your dh swearing and being horrible to your dd I’d be having serious words as that to me at least isn’t ok.

[Marshmallow91]

He's not going to change OP. He's an absolute wanker. Tell him next time he starts to go to his mums and have a long hard think about his attitude or he won't be welcome back to the family. If he can't see why he's in the wrong, tell me him he's obviously made his mind up and you'll expect the door key on his way out.

[Rainycloudyday]

This is horrific. Your poor children. Fair enough choose this life for yourself if you want, but don’t subject them to it. This is heartbreaking to read

[billy1966]

Oh OP,

Poor woman.

What a dreadful house for your children to be born into.

Definitely get your ducks in a row.

I couldn't look at a man that would speak to my children in such a foul way.

He put your child into her cot to get her out of the way.

I certainly wouldn't trust him with a temper like that with my children.

Reach out for support IRL.

[rainbowlou]

I couldn’t trust him with my children, telling a child to fuck off is horrible.

[Sarahplane]

Kick his arse out and divorce him. You'll all be so much happier. Even his sister agrees hes treating you all like crap.

[MrsTWH]

If he wasn’t your DH, he was a boyfriend you’d been with for 6 months and wasn’t their dad... would you accept it? Why should your daughters be sworn at/ignored just because he’s related to them?
If my DH told me to fuck off, he’d be out. Swear at my kids and he wouldn’t know what hit him.

If it were me, I’d take the girls out to the picnic and tell him to pack his stuff and be out by the time I got back.

[Whattodowhattodooo]

@bubbleup

I think I said it is NO EXCUSE. So I am Not trying to make his behaviour acceptable. I'm trying to understand WHY he behaves like he does.

[TingTastic]

@Whattodowhattodooo

When I ask what the problem is all I get is "I'm just tired"

Aren't we all though?? He is a very very very selfish man. All down to being wrapped up in cotton wool by his parents when he was younger. He was bullied at school and they made the world revolve around him. They fully admit he is the way his because of how they pandered to him.

Doesn't help me though does it?!!! 🤦‍♀️

It’s absolutely not his parents fault. Ok, they may have set the wheels in motion for him to have this sort of attitude. However, he’s an adult and more than capable of making a conscious decision to act differently. Blaming his parents isn’t going to help him to improve himself

[devildeepbluesea]

Revolting as telling a baby to fuck off is, being so palpably disinterested on his older daughter, who can clearly see his reaction, seems even worse to me. The poor kid must think he doesn't give a shit about her.

What a cunt. Kick it out.

[Ilovecats23]

If this was a one off out of the blue and he usually was a loving father and DH then I’d say he’s almost definitely gotten a bit stressed and snapped, everyone gets to that point occasionally (although poor DD, that’s uncalled for). But if this is constant behaviour then yeah, he’s a dick and I’d leave! It’s not fair on you and your DCs to have to live with this attitude and behaviour!

[PatriciaHolm]

Surely he hasn't always been like this, otherwise why on earth did you marry him?

If he has - well. You didn't think kids would change him did you?

You are where you are. He isn't going to change now, but your children deserve more.

[backseatcookers]

It doesn't matter why he is like this, what matters is that he is like this.

Revolting as telling a baby to fuck off is, being so palpably disinterested on his older daughter, who can clearly see his reaction, seems even worse to me. The poor kid must think he doesn't give a shit about her.

I totally agree with this. It is harming them, it's going to give them insecurities and attachment issues.

Poor you it sounds awful and it's obviously been going on for ages as you don't sound as shocked as most people would be. He's fucking horrible.

[Whattodowhattodooo]

SIL just can not deal with him being such a miserable bastard. They have a very tenuous relationship at the best of times. She is also very resentful of him as a result of how the in-laws treated him when he was younger.. As previously mentioned wrapped in cotton wool etc and just let his sister get on with it......they didn't do him ANY favours with the constant "poor you" routine. They still do it today which I find exhaustingly frustrating!

[Janedoughnut]

Here we go. He's a twat so must be autistic.

[Toilenstripes]

Your husband is an abusive asshole, and your children deserve so much better. Can you imagine what their self-esteem will be like growing up with a father like that? This is where early teen drugs and pregnancies begin. I know I will get flamed for that, but I believe it’s true.

[Whattodowhattodooo]

@PatriciaHolm @backseatcookers

He hasn't always been like this towards the girls but he has always been depressive and pessimistic.

[NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite]

I would not live with a man who thinks it is okay to tell a baby to fuck off. How the heck will your children be anything but foul- mouthed right from when they first learn to talk?

He doesn't seem to do any parenting so at least his input wouldn't be missed if you did the sensible thing and split up from him.

What do you see in him if he is foul-mouthed, rude, selfish, lacking in empathy, pessimistic, and doesn't take part in parenting his children? I can't think of any qualities that could possibly redeem him for having these awful traits.

[Whattodowhattodooo]

@Janedoughnut

There's no "here we go" about it. I do believe he is autistic and AGAIN I KNOW it doesn't excuse his twatty behaviour, but it doesn't mean it can't be true.

[Babyroobs]

Just get rid . If he can't even be bothered with his own kids then there's no hope. Parenthood is exhausting but it's not the kids fault and his attitude stinks. We had four kids under seven at one point and I would work nights and weekends around dh's job, so dh frequently would have the four kids all weekend (after a full on week at work) whilst I worked or would be up half the night with them ( none of them slept well ). DH never once complained, not once in years of doing this, it was exhausting for us both but we just got on with it because you have to. My dh has an amazing relationship with all the kids now ( they are all teens), they adore him. What you put in you get back a thousand ties over. He needs to shape up.

[bubbleup]

"I think I said it is NO EXCUSE. So I am Not trying to make his behaviour acceptable. I'm trying to understand WHY he behaves like he does."

We can read without all the CAPITALS you know . So you let your daughters suffer and listen to the pair of you battling and swearing over a lie in because you need to understand why he behaves the way he does? Why does that matter more than protecting your kids?

[NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite]

Just as your SIL has resentment towards her parents for being effectively ignored in the environment she grew up in, your children will grow up to resent you for the environment you are allowing them to grow up in.