WW3 because I watched a TV programme

[Frances2468]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling so low today. I am feeling like I have no choice but to end my relationship. I feel so unhappy and saddened by how petty disagreements have become.

My partner is angry at me, stormed off to bed last night, and this morning asking for an apology because I watched a TV programme without him last night.

I have depression and I had been feeling well the past few months, but the past few weeks I have had a bit of a downer. Getting sick of lockdown, and all the emotions stirred from BLM, I have just been feeling very negative and sad at the world.

Anyway, last night my partner had a video call booked in with friends (1 of these friends is actually an ex FWB) so this does make me feel a bit anxious, even though I have never tried to interfere in the friendship or stop them being friends, but yes it does sometimes give me a bit of a anxious knot in my tummy when I know they are meeting up or talking on the phone or whatever.

Anyway he was upstairs in the bedroom on the video call, I was downstairs. I am not actually a big TV lover, but I was feeling a bit down so just wanted something lazy to occupy me. I decided to watch 12 years a slave, but after an hour and 10 minutes I couldn't stomach it any longer as it was very upsetting.

I went upstairs to get my PJ's on and I saw his friend on the screen and I immediately felt filled with self deprecating thoughts about myself. "She is prettier than me", "I wonder if he thinks that too" this is totally MY issue and not my partner's. I 100% recognise this. I was not going to put this on my partner, I am just trying to explain I was feeling vulnerable and not great.

I went back downstairs trying to find something to watch. I decided to watch the next episode of this cheesy reality TV programme we watch together. I just wanted something really trashy and easy going to make me feel better. I would have been happy to watch it again with my partner.

About 20 mins into the programme my partner has finished the video call and comes downstairs.

He says "I can't believe you are watching this without me!" And he is really angry. I am stunned into silence. And I really don't deal well with anger anyway and it makes me clam up. He says "I can't believe you have done that, we watch that together. I would never do that to you"

I try to explain that I just couldn't find anything else to watch.

He wants me to apologise. I feel like a kid being told off. I feel stunned at this OTT reaction.

He goes up the stairs to bed muttering that he wouldn't do that to me, and if did I would have been angry and it isn't fair.

I just think is this worth it? It is just a programme! I would have happily watched it again. I am sorry it hurt his feelings- I didnt expect that reaction at all.

This morning he says all I have to do is apologise and can we move on. I feel flabbergasted- me apologise?!?! All I did was watch a programme. I was feeling low (not that you bothered to ask me how I was feeling) and wanted to watch something trashy. Is this really worth an argument?

He says that I am patronising and I am in validating his feelings. That I have OTT reactions in the past so it is rich coming from me to say he acted out of order.

He says that I just can't handle being told off. I said I am sorry I hurt his feelings, I am not trying to invalidate him feeling disappointed or whatever but the way he handled it was just not very nice.

He says I like to play the victim.

I just feel like this is a stupid thing to get angry and punish me for! He is using this as an excuse to get angry for all the others I have done wrong to him

^^Honestly it was not a passive aggressive dig. I don't like the thought of it but I know that is my problem - not his. It was with a group of friends not just the ex FWB. He had a video call with these friends on Monday too and I didn't do anything!

But if you're not happy with him chatting with an ex or FWB or whatever they're called then you have a right to say! Don't stifle your feelings... Lots of women would not be happy with this.

IMO the relationship is unhealthy. Being disappointed about missing a usually shared TV programme is understandable, shouting and demanding an apology (and one was already freely given) is toxic.

Is there a way to distance yourself from this relationship? If you already have MH issues, this behaviour is the last thing needed to get better or even plateau.

When did couples start taking sacred Netflix vows?

"Sharon, does thou swear to only watch Tiger King with Larry?"

Fucking hell OP you can watch whatever you want whenever you want.

Exactly, TheExterminatingAngel.

DH has never "told me off" and nor would he. I'm his wife, not his child.

DH has never "told me off" and nor would he. I'm his wife, not his child.
That's probably because you don't act like a child. If you did act like a child I am sure you might need to be told off.

Remember we only get OPs side. She could be the biggest women child there is. Always a victim and always sulking.
Her OH may have had enough.

Who the fuck knows. But I don't think its good to tell someone you have never met that their partner, who you also haven't met, is abusing them. How the fuck do we know that OP isn't abusive? She could be a fucking typing gorrila...

I just said sorry to him for watching it, that I didn't realise it would hurt his feelings like that, and obviously if I knew that I wouldn't have done it. I said that I wasn't trying to invalidate his feelings, I just really didn't like the way he spoke to me and it made me clam up.

He said sorry that he didn't say it in a nicer way.

He said he has resentment for other arguments we have had in our relationship so when one thing happens he just thinks of other things I have done that have annoyed him.

I said that it doesn't feel fair to be like that. Holding on to all this resentment and grudges just feels destructive, he said "look at you taking the moral superiority highground"

I said I just feel shouldn't you focus on the incident at hand that has annoyed you? Not think of anything from the past on top of that?? You can't keep holding past arguments over someone and make someone apologise forever otherwise no relationship would ever last?!?!

Sounds like hard work. Do you want to carry on?

I'm a bit shocked by the number of responses here which are essentially blaming the OP.

Regardless of whether or not a woman is what MN calls "hard work", I would say it is a red flag for a man to be a) talking to her as if she were a naughty child; and b) having video chats with an ex FWB. The latter might be ok for some couples (if they are both pretty confident about their own relationship, and have clearly communicated about it). The former is not ok for any couples.

If a woman is already a bit vulnerable and lacking in self esteem, as the OP seems to be, the last thing she needs is to be in a relationship which makes her feel worse. People on here putting the boot in isn't likely to be very constructive, either.

For most relationships, yes, we shouldn't bring up past issues or actions, but sometimes there are patterns that we should pay attention to.
Like when he used the expression "told off". If it's a one off, you can let it go, but if he uses it more often, then it's definitely a problem.

Have you shared why you were feeling low?
I don't think you have done it consciously, but it does come across as pay back. You were not happy when you saw his ex, so to feel better you chose to watch something he valued watching with you.

Have you ever told him about your insecurities regarding his ex? He shouldn't be burdened with it, but perhaps he could be more understanding of your moods.

This is a truly depressing thread. To see so many women rushing to blame another woman. To minimise emotional abuse. Where's the support or solidarity.

We don't have to support someone just because they're female. The answers here are pretty divided so it's clearly not a straightforward issue of "man is abusive, LTB now", which is what you seem to think it is.

I mean, I have read about abusive people who do the whole "I'm just getting changed/grabbing something" as a guise for checking up on their partners. She knew he was on a video call with his ex FWB and wasn't happy about it. It's natural that he might think she was checking up on him, and when she saw her on the screen, she got upset and watched the programme to piss him off. People really do behave like that sometimes (not saying OP did, but it does happen).

If OP is unhappy, she should leave. But I don't think his behaviour here makes him abusive. Everyone acts like a dick occasionally, doesn't mean they're an abuser.

He sounds abusive to me Frances.
You say you are unhappy, and have mentioned depression.
If you want things to be better you need to make some changes, and it sounds like you know you need to leave.

What the actually fuck have I been reading on this thread. What I can only are assume are adults telling the OP she shouldn’t have watched a fucking tv program with out him.

Frances your a grown ass adult woman that can watch what she wants when she wants. If he wants to chat up stairs in a private room to his old fuck buddy - you do what the fuck you want. For him then to come down stairs and giving you shit wouldn’t be for me. Maybe it’s his guilty conscience???

I think you will start to feel a whole lot better of you left this dick head tbh. For starters being on your own with out your bloke talking to is ex upstairs would be a start!

Do you get help for your anxiety and depression, OP?

I assume in all the posts my earlier one got missed, but living with someone with depression and anxiety is draining, and though you say these are your issues and you don’t let them affect him, they will be doing. Not directly perhaps, but indirectly through body language, tone, actions you won’t even realise.

You couldn't find a single thing to watch other than something you had been watching together? You sound petty, and you did it deliberately

He also sounds childish but you're as bad as each other

OP I am astounded that posters on here are telling you off for essentially watching a TV programme without your partner shock

Nobody is telling her off, but i do thing it's a bit of a dick move (pp up there posted the kind of convo i'd have with my DH if one of us did that) to take something that you usually do together, and do it alone. Even if you didn't mean it that way, OP, it does seem like a pass-agg way of getting back at him for chatting with an exFWB.

TBH i wonder if either of you is happy with the way your relationship is? Is it that you both have lockdown fever? It is exhausting living with someone who is depressed/has anxieties and if you both usually have time away from each other, you both might be missing out on the benefit this brings.

Time for both of you to work out if the benefits of being together outweigh the benefit of separating, tbh.
But maybe next week when you're both a bit further away from this incident.

RUN

I am not happy. I do not have a good relationship with my parents, and I don't have any friends I want to impose on having to live with me during lockdown! I just want space from him :( our relationship doesn't feel happy or respectful and it is beating me down

vanillandhoney

"We don't have to support someone just because they're female. The answers here are pretty divided so it's clearly not a straightforward issue of "man is abusive, LTB now", which is what you seem to think it is."

We don't have to support someone just because they're female. We should support someone whose partner flies off the handle at her for having the nerve to watch a TV programme without adult supervision and without checking in with the boss.

"Everyone acts like a dick occasionally, doesn't mean they're an abuser."

No it doesn't mean he's a systematic abuser but he certainly was a dick on this occasion and should be called out for it. And people are rushing on here to say the OP was out of order because she watched a TV programme without him.

our relationship doesn't feel happy or respectful and it is beating me down

Can you start making plans to leave? We can try and help if you give more details about your living arrangements and finances.

Yes, people with depression are very hard to live with. Walking on eggshells just in case you set them off. And the constant "poor me, you wouldn't understand, I am sad, you don't get it, no one likes me" and answering questions with 'I don't know'.

I suffer with depression on and off by the way. I know I can be a fucking pain when I am down! And its something I now work extremely hard on.

Your relationship just sounds hard work.
Who knows who's at fault. None of us do. But if you are unhappy OP you can leave.

I can't believe the number of people who are slaves to their television and who think that watching a certain programme should only be done in tandem. Get a hobby or at least read a book. My DH watches any old shit on the TV, I prefer not to.

@heartsonacake

Do you get help for your anxiety and depression, OP?

I assume in all the posts my earlier one got missed, but living with someone with depression and anxiety is draining, and though you say these are your issues and you don’t let them affect him, they will be doing. Not directly perhaps, but indirectly through body language, tone, actions you won’t even realise.

I feel like I’m reading another thread here or in some weird universe where your only allowed to watch a shoe if your partner is with you... how old are you??

Then there is a poster basically saying the OP deserves the shit her boyfriend gave her.

OP I strongly suggest you reach out to some strong female friends in real life.

Yeah your right this is petty shit and it is abusive. Get rid

I said that it doesn't feel fair to be like that. Holding on to all this resentment and grudges just feels destructive, he said "look at you taking the moral superiority highground"

Definitely more issues here than watching a TV programme without him. You're right, it is unfair to hold onto resentment for past arguments. We all do it from time to time, but he should really have apologised rather than deflected.

For a start I wouldn't be happy about him messaging his FWB and the fact he had to do it away from you. Secondly you can watch what you want when you want. Thirdly you have apologised to him (don't know why) so what more does he want? Are you supposed to get on your knees and beg?
It's hard to say if he's abusive from one incident but he's certainly a prick.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov I'd be angry too. And I'd want an apology from dh

Seriously? What happens when you have an actual problem?