WW3 because I watched a TV programme

[Frances2468]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling so low today. I am feeling like I have no choice but to end my relationship. I feel so unhappy and saddened by how petty disagreements have become.

My partner is angry at me, stormed off to bed last night, and this morning asking for an apology because I watched a TV programme without him last night.

I have depression and I had been feeling well the past few months, but the past few weeks I have had a bit of a downer. Getting sick of lockdown, and all the emotions stirred from BLM, I have just been feeling very negative and sad at the world.

Anyway, last night my partner had a video call booked in with friends (1 of these friends is actually an ex FWB) so this does make me feel a bit anxious, even though I have never tried to interfere in the friendship or stop them being friends, but yes it does sometimes give me a bit of a anxious knot in my tummy when I know they are meeting up or talking on the phone or whatever.

Anyway he was upstairs in the bedroom on the video call, I was downstairs. I am not actually a big TV lover, but I was feeling a bit down so just wanted something lazy to occupy me. I decided to watch 12 years a slave, but after an hour and 10 minutes I couldn't stomach it any longer as it was very upsetting.

I went upstairs to get my PJ's on and I saw his friend on the screen and I immediately felt filled with self deprecating thoughts about myself. "She is prettier than me", "I wonder if he thinks that too" this is totally MY issue and not my partner's. I 100% recognise this. I was not going to put this on my partner, I am just trying to explain I was feeling vulnerable and not great.

I went back downstairs trying to find something to watch. I decided to watch the next episode of this cheesy reality TV programme we watch together. I just wanted something really trashy and easy going to make me feel better. I would have been happy to watch it again with my partner.

About 20 mins into the programme my partner has finished the video call and comes downstairs.

He says "I can't believe you are watching this without me!" And he is really angry. I am stunned into silence. And I really don't deal well with anger anyway and it makes me clam up. He says "I can't believe you have done that, we watch that together. I would never do that to you"

I try to explain that I just couldn't find anything else to watch.

He wants me to apologise. I feel like a kid being told off. I feel stunned at this OTT reaction.

He goes up the stairs to bed muttering that he wouldn't do that to me, and if did I would have been angry and it isn't fair.

I just think is this worth it? It is just a programme! I would have happily watched it again. I am sorry it hurt his feelings- I didnt expect that reaction at all.

This morning he says all I have to do is apologise and can we move on. I feel flabbergasted- me apologise?!?! All I did was watch a programme. I was feeling low (not that you bothered to ask me how I was feeling) and wanted to watch something trashy. Is this really worth an argument?

He says that I am patronising and I am in validating his feelings. That I have OTT reactions in the past so it is rich coming from me to say he acted out of order.

He says that I just can't handle being told off. I said I am sorry I hurt his feelings, I am not trying to invalidate him feeling disappointed or whatever but the way he handled it was just not very nice.

He says I like to play the victim.

I just feel like this is a stupid thing to get angry and punish me for! He is using this as an excuse to get angry for all the others I have done wrong to him

@Microwaveoven

Yes, people with depression are very hard to live with. Walking on eggshells just in case you set them off. And the constant "poor me, you wouldn't understand, I am sad, you don't get it, no one likes me" and answering questions with 'I don't know'.

I suffer with depression on and off by the way. I know I can be a fucking pain when I am down! And its something I now work extremely hard on.

Your relationship just sounds hard work.
Who knows who's at fault. None of us do. But if you are unhappy OP you can leave.

Which is all good and well considering your talking about yourself

This guy come down stairs and started kicking of she was watching a fucking tv show. Maybe if he wasn’t talking to his old fuck buddy he would have been downstairs watching it with her.

having video chats with an ex FWB. The latter might be ok for some couples (if they are both pretty confident about their own relationship, and have clearly communicated about it).

OP is the one being confusing, she's trying to pretend she's fine with it but secretly resentful and hurt. If she wants DP to stop communicating with ex then she needs to tell him.

If he wants to chat up stairs in a private room to his old fuck buddy

If he did it in the same room as OP then he'd be accused of rubbing it in her face.

our relationship doesn't feel happy or respectful and it is beating me down

Time to exit then. This relationship has run its course.

Don’t let him beat you down

I'd be pretty annoyed if you watched an episode without me - its selfish.

OP, I think maybe you should channel your energies into finding a way out of this relationship. Do you have an income? Could you go to an airbnb or something while you sort yourself out?

Don't stay in an unhappy relationship because you've nowhere to go. FIND a place to go. Be your own rescuer. Your MH will totally improve once you're away from him.

Sorry, I meant to

Meant to say your MH will probably improve, not totally improve.

I would be pissed off if DH watched an episode of a series we were watching together without me, but your boyfriend sounds like he massively overacted and no way would I tolerate being told off like a disobedient child.

I gently suggest OP, that this is a much bigger problem than one TV show. He sounds abusive and controlling not to mention and utter knob! All that over a TV show? That's ridiculous he kicks off about something on TV!

Perhaps you'd be better consider that perhaps your anxiety and depression would be much better if he wasn't around. I think he could be the cause of a lot of it from what you say. Take some time to consider the relationship and perhaps think of doing the Freedom programme or similar.

It's is not the issue about what TV program you did or didn't watch together, it is about how he reacted.

If it was a bit of a routine to watch something together so you could enjoy it together, a normal reaction would be to be a bit disappointed and say, I wish you'd waited for me.

Shouting and demanding an apology is this issue. That's where the unreasonable and abusive behaviour is.

It may not be just about a TV show.
If this show is almost the only thing they do together, at least without a fight, that helps them bond, watching it without the other sends a very clear message.
And it looks like a message you do want to send, which is that you'd rather be alone than with him.
Or is it that the comfort that show gave you was as proxy for the feeling of closeness you get when you watch it with him?

It may be that this show may ended up representing and being the cornerstone of your relationship more than it should.
This would explain his OTT reaction and you watching it.

The thing is that it shouldn't. If you want to be happy together you can't depend on a show to bring you together. You need to find other means. A joint project. Other activities. Less pressure on a specific activity.

And, btw, I bet he feels told off when you tell him how he should have behaved.
You said he didn't ask how you were feeling, but did you ask about his?
It looks to me like both of you could benefit from sitting down and sharing your feelings. All of them.
And finding of way of communicating without telling each other off.

I do think even without all this can you be in a relationship with someone who has an ex in his friendship group. It happens quite a lot in old school/university friendship groups. If this increases stress, depression, lack of self esteem and arguments. Is this the relationship for you, if I was honest I have found it difficult in the past and the relationship has always ended.

His reaction is completely over the top, he's using this minor irritation as a channel via which to vent all his anger and frustration
He should apologise to you OP
What do you want to do now, going forward?

Okay, I’m going to assume OP is ignoring any posts about whether she’s getting treatment for her mental health and she seems to not want to acknowledge how draining it is living with someone with depression and anxiety.

So I’m willing to bet OP’s emotional issues are the cause of many arguments her and her DP have and that she isn’t getting help for them, which isn’t okay if you’re in a relationship.

OP can leave this relationship if she wants sure, but if she won’t address her actual issues, she’s just going to have the same problem repeatedly and be continually unhappy.

Of course YANBU, I would feel miffed if my partner watched something we usually watch together without me but his reaction was way OTT and there comes a point where the reaction is worse than the crime. If he has been shouting and swearing at you he has crossed that line, and demanding an apology is unpleasant, controlling behaviour.

As a side note, what you've described feeling here is exactly why I think it is a terrible, short sighted idea to have a FWB in your established friendship group, no matter how cool with it you might both be. You're setting up any future partner to have to either put up with it, or put their foot down and insist you leave that friendship behind. Some people genuinely wouldn't be bothered but it's quite likely that any future partner wouldn't like having to deal with it. You keep saying it's your issue, not his, but in my opinion it doesn't speak all that well of his judgment.

No it doesn't mean he's a systematic abuser but he certainly was a dick on this occasion and should be called out for it. And people are rushing on here to say the OP was out of order because she watched a TV programme without him.

You can think he was a dick and think she did the wrong thing too - it doesn't have to be one or the other.

Sorry, I am at work and can't respond to every message. I am under the care of a community mental health team. I am getting help for my MH.

If he is holding onto resentment against past incidences and then letting that out as anger, then end it as soon as you can. My ex did this to me and literally ranted and screamed for hours about nothing. Years later he said his justification for it was all these past episodes. I asked him, rather than storing up resentment and dumping it all in one go, tell me what I'd done wrong, when I'd just done it, then I could modify my behaviour and understand what I was doing that was upsetting him. Guess what? He never did. The reason being he knew these 'incidences' were nothing but minor irritations, and by telling me what they were he would show himself for the unreasonable abuser he was.

You might be happier without him, sounds like he’s dragging you down

@Frances2468

Sorry, I am at work and can't respond to every message. I am under the care of a community mental health team. I am getting help for my MH.

That’s good news 🙂

I hope you get better soon OP. I wouldn't be happy about the 'fuck buddy' thing at all. You must consider your future and do what's best for you.

Me and DP often start shows together, then split off for a couple of episodes because of clashes in our free time. We don't argue about it, just check where the other is up to, catch up and continue together. The fact there's such a big deal being made about it, makes me think you don't do much else together. Especially as you've said you've been getting on each others nerves and arguing more with lockdown.

He's obviously been storing up some resentment, and you're storing up a ton of insecurities and worries. Never a good mix. The question is whether you can have a civil, sensible conversation about it. If not, there's probably not much left of the relationship.

I am working but I don't have a great salary, I couldn't afford to rent somewhere alone in the location I am in. Perhaps he could go and stay with his friends who live just down the road but I can't suggest that. That seems unfair. Surely if it my decision to take a break I should be the one to leave. But I know I will miss him as soon as he leaves :( we used to be so happy and now it feels like everything is just a constant battle. Everything turns into a contest of who is going to win the argument. I am exhausted. I just want us to be happy again

That doesn’t make it impossible for you to leave him though. You could post online or on SpareRoom for a flat mate or see if any of your colleagues are looking for somewhere. I know it’s not an ideal situation but it wouldn’t be forever, it’s better than being trapped in a shit relationship.

"I would say something along the lines of 'I'm sorry I didn't realise it mattered so much to you' with a big sigh to let him know how pathetic and beneath you the whole drama is."

Yeah, and make him see that enjoying doing something together and making the effort to actually wait is sooooooo lame

Sorry but no, I'd be gutted if DP watched "our" programmes without me. It shows that I don't really matter that much and that he can't be arsed to wait for me. It was a dick move OP and I think you know it.

After trying to get yourself as maudlin as possible by watch a slave movie when you were already feeling sad, you then see him talking to the girl you're jealous of and punish him by thinking "fuck him" and watching it without him.

If you've issues with him calling her then tell him