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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder if my dp should be willing.....

106 replies

CagedBirdwithoutAKey · 11/06/2020 13:29

....to look after my 3 dc a little more while I work from home (high-pressured job) - he doesn't work Sad

It's mainly the kids constantly asking for food, drinks, arguing etc., and my head's literally battered with it all Sad

I honestly don't know what to expect from a dp when the dc aren't his?

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 11/06/2020 15:19

He’s not the kids’ dad and this isn’t a serious relationship if you aren’t living together. You need to arrange appropriate childcare or just cope like many women with high pressured jobs are doing at the moment.

Grobagsforever · 11/06/2020 15:22

@GrumpyHoonMain HOW DO YOU KNOW IT ISN'T SERIOUS?

SIngle parents, especially widows have many reasons for not just randomly moving a partner in! It doesn't mean the relationship isn't serious.

What is up with people on this thread? Are you all bored and furloughed and so being nasty to pass the time?

Marylou2 · 11/06/2020 15:25

So sorry that the children's dad has passed away. This must be very difficult for you and particularly for them. I don't know how old they are but I imagine they'll want the attention of their mother rather than a short term partner who lives elsewhere. I don't mean this in a critical way as you sound at the end of your tether. Also should your boyfriend have been in your home regularly under current guidelines?

Mintjulia · 11/06/2020 15:29

They aren’t his dcs and he doesn’t live with you - so they are your responsibility.

Where is their father?

Grobagsforever · 11/06/2020 15:30

@Marylou2 their dad died two years ago. OP is allowed to find a new partner to combat the fucking horrendous loneliness of widowhood. She's working full time, she physically CAN'T give the children attention!

Can you read?

AintNoMaryPoppins · 11/06/2020 15:30

Where is their father?

Can people at least read OPs replies. She has already said that the children's father has unfortunately passed away. She doesn't need to keep being asked over and over where he is.

Pebblexox · 11/06/2020 15:31

Honestly. If the children aren't his and he doesn't live with you.. then yes yabu to expect him to contribute to caring for your children.
You need to find suitable childcare for when you are working.

noloh1 · 11/06/2020 15:32

The children’s father died two years ago, OP doesn’t say they were together at the time. She could’ve been with this partner many years. He doesn’t sound much of a partner though if he isn’t willing to help out when he isn’t working.

KimberleySakamoto · 11/06/2020 15:35

this isn’t a serious relationship if you aren’t living together

That is very offensive.

DP and I have been in a "serious relationship" for 7 years. We don't live together because our children suffered bereavement and abuse respectively, and we were keen for them to maintain their own safe homes with their remaining parent, and for them to know that they would always come first.

Other people do it differently, and do it very well. All circumstances are different.

Don't assume, though, that a couple who don't live together are "not serious".

SimonJT · 11/06/2020 15:36

How long have you been together?

My partner has moved in for lockdown, I have an almost five year old. I have moved my work around a bit so I can look after my son and complete my work. I’m his parent, not my partner, I’m the one responsible for looking after him, not my partner. My partner does play with my son etc, but it isn’t expected, and I certainly wouldn’t expect him to provide childcare.

But then I’m so stupid I can turn on a games console, so what do I know.

StealthNinjaMum · 11/06/2020 15:40

Op I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'm a single mum of two and they have a dad who does nothing and I'm at breaking point. I would ask your partner if he has time to help, after all this isn't going to last forever. Obviously he's entitled to say no but if I were going out with someone in your position I would want to help.

Marylou2 · 11/06/2020 15:42

@Marylou2 their dad died two years ago. OP is allowed to find a new partner to combat the fucking horrendous loneliness of widowhood. She's working full time, she physically CAN'T give the children attention!

Can you read?

@growbagsforever yes I can read. I said I was sorry the children's father had died. If her new partner wanted to to take care of the children he would do so. Thanks for swearing at me. You sound lovely Smile

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 11/06/2020 15:44

Does he live alone or as a single parent of children under 18? If so you could choose to have a support bubble and consider yourself one household.

Grobagsforever · 11/06/2020 15:48

@Marylou2 - you criticised the OP by implying that she was not giving her children sufficient attention, when she's clearly at the end of her rope.

Smug married bullshit.

And yes I'll swear if I wish. Because I HAVE walked in the OP's shoes and I know EXACTLY how difficult and lonely it is.

You, clearly, have not.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 11/06/2020 15:49

OP hasn't even said she was with the children's father when he passed! She could have been with her current partner when it happened for all we know.

Trevsadick · 11/06/2020 15:51

@Grobagsforever why do you keep tbe running commentary that op is a widow. Where have you got that information from?

And why do you refuse to answer?

GinDrinker00 · 11/06/2020 15:53

I think it depends on how long you’ve been together. Yes, if it’s been a couple of years but months - no.

Grobagsforever · 11/06/2020 15:56

@Trevsadick - FROM THE OP's POSTS

Trevsadick · 11/06/2020 15:59

@Grobagsforever I have read the ops posts.

She said their dad died. That doesnt make her widow!

Not sure if you know, but your caps lock is on and makes you look like you are losing your shit.Wink

crazychemist · 11/06/2020 16:14

Really depends on the dynamics of your relationship. He doesn't live with you, generally does he accept some responsibility for your kids, or is not that part of your relationship? I really think it depends how much you share responsibilities generally.

It would, however, be nice of him to offer. But I wouldn't say he "should" offer. Fundamentally I'd say your kids are your responsibility unless you are cohabiting and have generally agreed to share household responsibilities.

Grobagsforever · 11/06/2020 16:42

@Trevsadick

I don't know if your point is that OP might not have been married or might not have been in a relationship with children's dad when he died. Given they have 3 young-ish children, the odds are she was in a relationship with him at time of death, marriage is utterly irrelevant.

She is a widowed parent as far as the widowed community is concerned, she's parenting grieving kids alone and is incredibly tough, she deserves support not all the nasty smug criticism she is getting on this thread.

And yes I AM losing my shit, I'm parenting my grieving kids alone in lockdown, it's fucking horrendous.

Trevsadick · 11/06/2020 16:58

No my point is that she may not be a widow.

The widowing Community standards? The community may support parents, of children who are bereaved. Its very difficult and complex.

Its even complex when they are your ex. And tbe community may support that. But by definition, or by her own feelings on the situation, she may not be a widow. We dont know. But you seem so sure of the fact.

You are projecting your emotion onto the op and other posters.

As I said above the fact that their dad has died, doesnt mean she is a widow.

Her youngest child is over 4. She may not have been with him for years.

It also doesn't mean she has introduced kids fast.

At no point have I said that's a reflection on how the kids are feeling or that, that changes how the kids are delaing with this.

You are taking personal offence, adding bits in because you assume you and op are in the same position.

She hasnt said she is a widow. She hasn't said she feel like a widow.

And yet here you are being shitty with any poster that doesnt post what you want them to.

I am sorry you are having a hard time. But the op isn't you.

Marylou2 · 11/06/2020 17:45

@growbagsforever

Sorry if I upset you further. That sounds so hard. Apologies.

CagedBirdwithoutAKey · 12/06/2020 16:20

As for those insinuating a short-time relationship, with me stating that my dc's dad passed away only 2 years ago, maybe you should not jump to conclusions Hmm We we're actually separated (on great terms) for 2 years prior to his passing! So technically, I became single back in 2016, and got with my current dp in around 2017.

I didn't come back to this thread, as my Anxiety is through the roof atm, and it made me recall why I don't use Mumsnet anymore; most of you are like a pack of hungry wolves, waiting to pounce with sarcy comments and judgy opinions!

Thank you to those who replied with constructive feedback / criticism - I appreciate it!

OP posts:
CagedBirdwithoutAKey · 12/06/2020 16:20

@trevasdick - Yes, I'm a widow

OP posts:
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