To wonder if my dp should be willing.....

[CagedBirdwithoutAKey]

....to look after my 3 dc a little more while I work from home (high-pressured job) - he doesn't work

It's mainly the kids constantly asking for food, drinks, arguing etc., and my head's literally battered with it all

I honestly don't know what to expect from a dp when the dc aren't his?

[Ponoka7]

I was a LP to three after being Widowed. I did a BA and worked part time.

We had to get into a routine and they had to get more self sufficient.

However, we did game, even though we are all intelligent. So they would have things to occupy them, that didn't need supervision.

I considered my partner as a partner, although we didn't live together and we would have helped each other out like this. I think this could be the situation that shows you his intentions and feelings for you.

[Nicknacky]

What age are the kids?

[SomewhereInbetween1]

Ah yes, because gaming is solely for the unintelligent.

[toobusytothink]

So many unanswered questions op! Age of kids, time of their dad, how long you’ve been together, childcare etc etc

[MulberryPeony]

He might be too busy watching porn then.

[toobusytothink]

*role of their dad

[Wynston]

Its a shame he hasn't offered.....must be hard.
Would you feel comfortable asking him to help more???

[Starbuggy]

PP didn’t say you shouldn’t work from home, just that generally it’s expected that if you’re working from home you have childcare in place. Obviously not possible at the moment, but then your partner you don’t live with wouldn’t have been able to come over and help at the moment either.

How long have you been together? If you don’t live together he probably doesn’t see himself in a step parent role.

[MitziK]

[quote CagedBirdwithoutAKey]@mitziK Very presumptuous aren't you? He wouldn't know how to game, or even switch a console on, he has more intelligence than that!

And the other poster asking where the kids' dad is, he passed away 2 years ago[/quote]
Aren't you being a bit presumptuous in expecting somebody who has no reason to act as an unpaid nanny to look after your children for you?

What else is he doing if not gaming at yours? Sitting and staring at your ceiling? Or applying for jobs whilst in his own home?


I wouldn't say being too dim to know how to switch a console on shows much intelligence, though - however he isn't volunteering to care for your kids whilst you are busy and important, perhaps he does have some nouse after all.

[toobusytothink]

Well in light of the fact I have no more info then I think YABU 😄

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

YABU. Why should he be the bad guy and referee your DC's squabbles? What a great way to make your DC dislike their stepdad figure if you do indeed go on to live together.

[FFSFFSFFS]

If it was a woman in a relationship with a widower she would very probably be providing a LOT of childcare.

My view would be that if someone choose to be my partner knowing I had three children they were agreeing to take on some responsibility for those children - a package deal. I think that is what a nice caring man would. Others may disagree.

[Looneytune253]

Sorry but you are being vv unreasonable. For a start if he doesn't live there he shouldn't even be coming in. If they're not his kids then it's defo not his responsibility to look after them either.

[Grobagsforever]

Hi OP.

Another widow here. Young children, WFH.

Boyfriend looks after kids when he's not working. He offered.

Having been widowed 5 years and given birth, learned to drive, got promoted, done multiple holidays etc etc on my own in that time I've come to the conclusion men are pretty superfluous so for me to keep one around he has to be exemplary. My friends thought I was being ridiculously picky. Friends were wrong.

YANBU - he should help because that's what ppl who love each other do. Not every day, not all day, but sometimes, certainly.

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

If it was a woman in a relationship with a widower she would very probably be providing a LOT of childcare.

Yeah, and more fool her.

[Durgasarrow]

Do you pay for him to do things?

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Really depends on if he is a partner or a boyfriend I guess.

If more a boyfriend (and as you don’t live together, don’t have any kids together, presumably don’t share finances then I would probably put him more as a boyfriend) then maybe he could take the kids for the odd walk or watch a film with them. Perhaps a game of monopoly every week or so. Particularly if you say had a big deadline and needed an hour of peace. But not regular childcare - no.

If a partner (particularly if you are financially supporting him at the moment) then yes - he should be helping out a lot more in order to enable you to earn the money that you both live on.

[Sonichu]

"He wouldn't know how to game, or even switch a console on, he has more intelligence than that!"

I didn't know it was physically possible to roll my eyes as far back into my head as I just did.

[RedskyAtnight]

OP describes him as her DP, but they don't live together and she doesn't say how long they've been a couple.

This is quite crucial - if she's only known him for a couple of months before lockdown, then it's a whole different situation to that if they've been together for 8 years.

[Windyatthebeach]

Regardless of living arrangements /dna /gaming or not - in a relationship no decent other half would stand by and watch a partner struggling - regardless what that struggle was...
Imo..
He doesn't sound committed sadly op..
I have dc that aren't my dh's. When he was just a' visitor' he pitched in if /when necessary...

[namesnames]

Have you asked him?

[GarlicMcAtackney]

If this was the other way round I’d say boyfriends/girlfriends should not be providing childcare, even if the couple are married I’d still say it’s the parent of the kids whose issue it is to source childcare. The only important and relevant aspect is do your children like and trust this man? Has he been in their lives for years, and so they can trust him? Or is he a new boyfriend? They’ll be experiencing trauma I’m sure, having had their father die, so maybe not a great idea to be bringing your boyfriend into their lives.

[BluntAndToThePoint80]

Nope - on the face of it they’re your kids. He’s not living with you, therefore not in a step dad role.

If he helps, great, but it’s not his responsibility.

Why not ask for help if you need it ? Better than waiting and getting angry he hasn’t offered. Maybe he doesn’t want to interfere, maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable doing it. Why not have an adult conversation about it ?

[Dixiechickonhols]

I saw a couple of threads yesterday where people were commenting on use of partner not boyfriend. I thought it a bit nit picky but it makes a difference here. Your original post came across as though he was living with you and sitting there while you ran yourself ragged. He can’t offer to help under current lockdown. Maybe next week depending on circs. If you only met him a few weeks before lock down and he’s never met your kids then obvious why. Alternatively if he’s been part of your lives for a few years and regularly minded kids then it’s odd he’s not offering if he can. Only you know your set up op. Not unreasonable to say I’m struggling and see if you can come up with a solution together.

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

If the DC's dad passed away 2 years ago then presumably the DC and DP won't know each other very well at all unless everything moved on at a really fast pace. How could it be fair on anyone for the DP to provide childcare?