To wonder if my dp should be willing.....

[CagedBirdwithoutAKey]

....to look after my 3 dc a little more while I work from home (high-pressured job) - he doesn't work

It's mainly the kids constantly asking for food, drinks, arguing etc., and my head's literally battered with it all

I honestly don't know what to expect from a dp when the dc aren't his?

[venusandmars]

It's a bit difficult to give a really constructive answer because you haven't given much information. No-one could have guessed about the death of your children's dad so of course some of the questions must have seemed insensitive.

But telling us the ages of your dc, and the length of your relationship would help.

If your dp has been coming to your house sometimes then he's been breaking the lockdown guidance (unless he saw no-one else and you technically considered yourself as one household). But while he's been there has he been physically distanced from your dc? and would that change if he was looking after them, preparing food etc? (again it would help to know the ages of your dc - the care for a 3 year-old is massively different to the care for a 12 year-old)

What was dp's relationship like with dc before lockdown? Did he already help out with sorting food and drinks, know their likes, dislikes, allergies etc? Is he confident in looking after 3 dc on his own? I know my dp would NOT have confident been during the first year of our relationship, and I certainly would not have expected him to deal with arguments.

Are there relatively easy things dp could do that might give you a bit of respite e.g. take 2 younger dc for a walk while older dc gets on with school work? or reading bedtime stories so you get an hour's peace? Does dp support YOU e.g. by bringing shopping, cooking a meal for you, putting a load of washing on, mowing your grass?

It must be a stressful and difficult time for you OP

[vanillandhoney]

YABU. He doesn't live with you, so he's not their step-dad, he's just your boyfriend. If you want him to help out then I think you need to ask rather than expect him to offer.

As for your comments about gaming - don't be so fucking ridiculous.

[Igtg]

What do you actually want from him? To come round every day all day? Or just at certain times?

On the face of it I can’t see it’s his responsibility but he could help you out occasionally if you are really struggling.

Have you asked him? What did he say?

[ViciousJackdaw]

@CagedBirdwithoutAKey

Not specifically now. I work from home generally, not because of COVID. When he does come round a few days he does help, but he knows I'm at breaking point and therefore a bit pissed he hasn't offered more

OK, so he already helps out when he is at your house. What more do you actually want from him?

[Grobagsforever]

@mycathateseverybody

If you want to critique the OP for being in a new relationship and introducing him to her children then do so, rather than making passive aggressive comments at a widowed mother struggling in lockdown.

For your information, on average, widowed men date 6 months after their partner dies and are married on average, 2 years later. But when widows do the same they get grief from people like you.

Walk a mile in a young widow's shoes before you make passive aggressive comments please.

[Trevsadick]

So you want him to move in and provide all your childcare?

Then talk to him.

Dp isnt my kids dad but lives here. He of course does loads when I am working and he isnt.

But your partner doesn't live with you and helps out when he comes to stay.

Surely, up until Saturday he should have been living with you or not coming around at all?

[FelicityPike]

Too intelligent to play video games! Lol!!

[DisobedientHamster]

YABU. Hire proper childcare, you can do now as lockdown has been eased, rather than being angry with your boyfriend because he doesn't volunteer to be an unpaid nanny.

[Trevsadick]

op said their dad passed away 2 years ago. That doesnt mean she was widowed.

She may have been. But it doesn't mean they were together.

It also doesn't mean she introduced a new man very quickly either.

[AllIMissNowIsTheSea]

I think if he was your partner he would behave like a partner and you'd be a team on everything - therefore he wouldn't see this as just your problem and would automatically pitch in.

I suspect what you're seeing is that he doesn't (yet) see your relationship as a partnership.

He's telling you, perhaps without meaning to, that at the moment he's your boyfriend not the partner you work through life as a team with.

That's not necessarily a terrible thing, it might just mean this is a new relationship and he isn't yet at the partner stage. Or it might mean he's not the right man to make your partner. Only you know that.

[PawPawNoodle]

[quote CagedBirdwithoutAKey]@mitziK Very presumptuous aren't you? He wouldn't know how to game, or even switch a console on, he has more intelligence than that!

And the other poster asking where the kids' dad is, he passed away 2 years ago[/quote]
I think he's pretty thick if he doesn't know how to turn a console on, actually.

I don't see how you can be 'pissed' that he doesn't offer to help out more when he already does help out when he's with you. He doesn't live with you so what do you want him to do, come over and look after your children while you work? I know this isn't the situation you planned for your life but you have a boyfriend, not a babysitter.

[AintNoMaryPoppins]

I appreciate it's difficult and perhaps it would be nice for him to offer occasionally but no, they are not his responsibility and he does not have to provide any explanation as to why he may not want to spend his entire week looking after 3 DC which he presumably isn't that close to considering you don't yet live together.

There's been a few threads on here from step mothers looking after their husband's kids in lockdown due to being furloughed and husband and ex still working. The general consensus has always been that it's not her responsibility and ex and the DH need to sort it out between them, maybe the SM could offer occasionally but certainly not all of the time and it certainly shouldn't be expected of her.

They are your kids, your responsibility.

[DuckALaurent]

@CagedBirdwithoutAKey I’m sorry you’re struggling but in the kindest way, if you don’t live together then he’s entitled to his free time when he’s not at yours. If you’d moved in together and become a family unit I’d say he’d taken on more responsibility and should step up more, but as it is you’re still separate in that sense. So sorry that you’re struggling. It’s so hard

[Cadent]

OP, what happens when he’s at yours? Does he expect you to cook for him?

[Azerothi]

It seems to me that you're much more into him, especially calling him partner when he clearly isn't, than he is into you.

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

@Grobagsforever I thought I was being perfectly clear, not passive aggressive. There is no right or wrong time to have a relationship after a bereavement if that person feels ready. I thought I was clearly (or maybe not) referring to the timescale regarding introducing DC to a new partner. The timescales in OP's case would suggest that the DC will not yet know the DP in a step parenting capacity, and I'm astonished that anyone would think this was a good idea . The example you gave regarding how some men act in these circumstances actually illustrates entirely the wrong way to go about things IMO when there are young children in the mix.

[theemmadilemma]

Why is he at yours when you're supposed to be working if he doesn't live there?

[Lifeisabeach09]

I agree a partner should help out if they see their DP struggling but this depends on the length of the relationship and how involved this person is with family life and the children anyway.

Does he enrich your life, OP, and the children's?

As for comments about outsourcing childcare, this might not be possible for OP due to lockdown, lack of childcare availability and costs. Not everywhere has opened up!

[ExhaustedGrinch]

It's pretty shit that you're struggling right now and it's understandable that you would like some support from people who are in your life, however, I would struggle with 3 kids on my own and perhaps he would find it overwhelming too? How old are they?

Does he already have children of his own? How long have you been together?

[Grobagsforever]

@mycathateseverybody - OP was widowed 2 years ago. It's entirely plausible she met her DP 9-12 months after her DH died, many widows do. Being widowed young is horrendously lonely and we tend to date sooner than divorced folk as we have a more positive view of relationships. So OP could easily have been in a relationship for over a year, which is plenty of time to meet DC.

As I say, stop judging the struggling widow.

[Trevsadick]

@Grobagsforever where does op say she is widowed?

[BoomBoomsCousin]

Unless you are at a stage where you are considering joining your families together then, while it would be nice for him to offer, I don’t think it should count against him that he hasn’t. If you don’t have regular childcare when you need it and it’s not just an emergency situation, offering to look after the kids for you could be seen to be opening up a huge commitment on his part (especially in the current situation), one that really isn’t a normal one for a boy/girlfriend.

If you are we’re thinking of joining your families together, the fact he doesn’t help more with the kids is something to give pause and consider how it reflects on whatever he has said when you’ve talked about how you both see him fitting in with family life.

[KimberleySakamoto]

I don't know why everyone is being so nasty to the OP.

So many of us are struggling at the moment, all in our various ways.

I don't give a monkey's about "the rules". However, I do think, OP, that you can't really ask your partner to look after your children as things stand. I would love to say you could and should, but while it might be nice if he occasionally took them out or some such, I don't think it's reasonable to ask a non-resident partner to take on a quasi parenting role.

I have a very long term non-resident partner. We talk to one another about absolutely everything, see one another every day (despite the lockdown), etc, etc - but we are not quasi step-parents to one another's children (who are all teenagers/young adults, so are presumably older than yours, OP).

I'd dearly love to say you WNBU for enlisting your DP's help, but I'm afraid it would BU, a bit. Sorry!

[KimberleySakamoto]

The OP said this at 13.43 today, @Trevsadick

And the other poster asking where the kids' dad is, he passed away 2 years ago

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

@growbags I disagree that young DC should become so involved with their parent's new partner to the extent where they could be looked after by them, so soon after a bereavement. But that is my opinion and I stand by it.

However I genuinely apologise for offending or upsetting either you or the OP.