To wonder if my dp should be willing.....

[CagedBirdwithoutAKey]

....to look after my 3 dc a little more while I work from home (high-pressured job) - he doesn't work

It's mainly the kids constantly asking for food, drinks, arguing etc., and my head's literally battered with it all

I honestly don't know what to expect from a dp when the dc aren't his?

[Feedingthebirds1]

I think it's more complicated than the OP. One question for me would be do the OP and her partner see this relationship becoming closer and living together? If so, then the idea that they're not his children so he has no responsibility for them isn't going to be a good one going forward.

If it's only ever going to be FWB, that's different.

Also has the OP asked him and he's said no? if so, why? Given the social bubble policy, if OP is on her own with three DCs, he could now move in. Would either of them want that?

This is more intricate than just they're not his, and about more than just the here and now. There's a wider context.

[GalwayGrowl]

But they're not married, don't live together, and they're not his children.

[Franticbutterfly]

My husband has a "big job" I was laid off on 17tj March (zero hours contract hospital worker) with no furlough. I do all of the housework and childcare because I don't have a job.

[GalwayGrowl]

Sorry you're stressed OP, but if you don't live together and they're not his DC then I don't think he's under any obligation to.

Have you asked him to help? Would this be on a 1 day a week basis or something?

I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask him for 1 day a week, or 2 half days a week of help.

[AKissAndASmile]

Makes me laugh how unsupportive women are to each other

[CagedBirdwithoutAKey]

@Grobagsforever thank you

[CagedBirdwithoutAKey]

@trevasdick - Yes, I'm a widow

[CagedBirdwithoutAKey]

As for those insinuating a short-time relationship, with me stating that my dc's dad passed away only 2 years ago, maybe you should not jump to conclusions We we're actually separated (on great terms) for 2 years prior to his passing! So technically, I became single back in 2016, and got with my current dp in around 2017.

I didn't come back to this thread, as my Anxiety is through the roof atm, and it made me recall why I don't use Mumsnet anymore; most of you are like a pack of hungry wolves, waiting to pounce with sarcy comments and judgy opinions!

Thank you to those who replied with constructive feedback / criticism - I appreciate it!

[Marylou2]

@growbagsforever

Sorry if I upset you further. That sounds so hard. Apologies.

[Trevsadick]

No my point is that she may not be a widow.

The widowing Community standards? The community may support parents, of children who are bereaved. Its very difficult and complex.

Its even complex when they are your ex. And tbe community may support that. But by definition, or by her own feelings on the situation, she may not be a widow. We dont know. But you seem so sure of the fact.


You are projecting your emotion onto the op and other posters.

As I said above the fact that their dad has died, doesnt mean she is a widow.

Her youngest child is over 4. She may not have been with him for years.

It also doesn't mean she has introduced kids fast.

At no point have I said that's a reflection on how the kids are feeling or that, that changes how the kids are delaing with this.

You are taking personal offence, adding bits in because you assume you and op are in the same position.

She hasnt said she is a widow. She hasn't said she feel like a widow.

And yet here you are being shitty with any poster that doesnt post what you want them to.

I am sorry you are having a hard time. But the op isn't you.

[Grobagsforever]

@Trevsadick

I don't know if your point is that OP might not have been married or might not have been in a relationship with children's dad when he died. Given they have 3 young-ish children, the odds are she was in a relationship with him at time of death, marriage is utterly irrelevant.

She is a widowed parent as far as the widowed community is concerned, she's parenting grieving kids alone and is incredibly tough, she deserves support not all the nasty smug criticism she is getting on this thread.

And yes I AM losing my shit, I'm parenting my grieving kids alone in lockdown, it's fucking horrendous.

[crazychemist]

Really depends on the dynamics of your relationship. He doesn't live with you, generally does he accept some responsibility for your kids, or is not that part of your relationship? I really think it depends how much you share responsibilities generally.

It would, however, be nice of him to offer. But I wouldn't say he "should" offer. Fundamentally I'd say your kids are your responsibility unless you are cohabiting and have generally agreed to share household responsibilities.

[Trevsadick]

@Grobagsforever I have read the ops posts.

She said their dad died. That doesnt make her widow!

Not sure if you know, but your caps lock is on and makes you look like you are losing your shit.

[Grobagsforever]

@Trevsadick - FROM THE OP's POSTS

[GinDrinker00]

I think it depends on how long you’ve been together. Yes, if it’s been a couple of years but months - no.

[Trevsadick]

@Grobagsforever why do you keep tbe running commentary that op is a widow. Where have you got that information from?

And why do you refuse to answer?

[AintNoMaryPoppins]

OP hasn't even said she was with the children's father when he passed! She could have been with her current partner when it happened for all we know.

[Grobagsforever]

@Marylou2 - you criticised the OP by implying that she was not giving her children sufficient attention, when she's clearly at the end of her rope.

Smug married bullshit.

And yes I'll swear if I wish. Because I HAVE walked in the OP's shoes and I know EXACTLY how difficult and lonely it is.

You, clearly, have not.

[NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite]

Does he live alone or as a single parent of children under 18? If so you could choose to have a support bubble and consider yourself one household.

[Marylou2]

@Marylou2 their dad died two years ago. OP is allowed to find a new partner to combat the fucking horrendous loneliness of widowhood. She's working full time, she physically CAN'T give the children attention!

Can you read?

@growbagsforever yes I can read. I said I was sorry the children's father had died. If her new partner wanted to to take care of the children he would do so. Thanks for swearing at me. You sound lovely

[StealthNinjaMum]

Op I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'm a single mum of two and they have a dad who does nothing and I'm at breaking point. I would ask your partner if he has time to help, after all this isn't going to last forever. Obviously he's entitled to say no but if I were going out with someone in your position I would want to help.

[SimonJT]

How long have you been together?

My partner has moved in for lockdown, I have an almost five year old. I have moved my work around a bit so I can look after my son and complete my work. I’m his parent, not my partner, I’m the one responsible for looking after him, not my partner. My partner does play with my son etc, but it isn’t expected, and I certainly wouldn’t expect him to provide childcare.

But then I’m so stupid I can turn on a games console, so what do I know.

[KimberleySakamoto]

this isn’t a serious relationship if you aren’t living together

That is very offensive.

DP and I have been in a "serious relationship" for 7 years. We don't live together because our children suffered bereavement and abuse respectively, and we were keen for them to maintain their own safe homes with their remaining parent, and for them to know that they would always come first.

Other people do it differently, and do it very well. All circumstances are different.

Don't assume, though, that a couple who don't live together are "not serious".

[noloh1]

The children’s father died two years ago, OP doesn’t say they were together at the time. She could’ve been with this partner many years. He doesn’t sound much of a partner though if he isn’t willing to help out when he isn’t working.

[Pebblexox]

Honestly. If the children aren't his and he doesn't live with you.. then yes yabu to expect him to contribute to caring for your children.
You need to find suitable childcare for when you are working.