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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Too old for a 3rd child?

130 replies

HappyDays36 · 10/06/2020 23:59

I’m 42, recently split with husband. I have 2 boys aged 4 and 6.

I’m a hopeless romantic and still believe in love and marriage.

I work in an industry full of young, good looking, intelligent men (lucky me!). If I date one of these guys and things get serious then he might want a family and a biological child of his own. I’m open to that.

Has anyone been in that situation?

AIBU to think that at 42 I might meet someone new and have a baby with them while still fertile??

YABU - you’re too old to meet someone new and have another baby.
YANBU - anything is possible

OP posts:

Sweetlikecoca · 12/06/2020 00:03

I can totally understand you wanting to meet someone new. But you don’t necessarily have to have another child. If you didn’t have any children I could understand you may have a sudden urge.

You have 2 already and I think you should slow down and weigh up the real reason why you are thinking about baby no3.

Original poster

HappyDays36 · 12/06/2020 00:04

I’m not massively fussed for having more children. I always wanted 4 and have 2. If I fell in love with someone and he wanted 1 or 2 more then I would because I love him and love children.

OP posts:

Wolfgirrl · 12/06/2020 00:05

@HappyDays36

I think because you're female it's natural to assume nobody will see you as inappropriate or predatory but that is how your post has come across.

How would you feel if a 40 something year old woman had lined up your 20 something year old son to have a baby with, before even knowing if he is interested?

It sounds like you are about to use him to get pregnant

You've got 2 children whose parents have just split, you really need to concentrate on them and stop planning how to have a shotgun relationship and baby with a younger colleague.

TerrorWig · 12/06/2020 00:06

So that's why if you do date him you are truthful about your age and don't let him think you're about his age . It sounds like you feel like you would need to deceive him about your age to get him to date you, and you worry that you'd need to have a baby straight away because of fertility or you risk him leaving.

You sound crazed.

Original poster

HappyDays36 · 12/06/2020 00:06

No I’m saying, I’m worried that I will get hurt because I’m worried that I will fall in love but not be able to give a guy what he wants for us to remain together.

OP posts:

SerenDippitty · 12/06/2020 00:07

I’m not massively fussed for having more children.

This is not the impression your thread title and opening post gives.

Original poster

HappyDays36 · 12/06/2020 00:08

Wow. I have obviously explained everything very poorly. I’m not a predator. I’m just hoping to have another relationship one day.

I’m going to leave the thread now because it’s getting me down which was the opposite of why I posted.

OP posts:

SerenDippitty · 12/06/2020 00:09

No I’m saying, I’m worried that I will get hurt because I’m worried that I will fall in love but not be able to give a guy what he wants for us to remain together.

So why not think about dating from your own age group rather than someone so much younger, especially if as you say you are actually not that fussed about having more children?

Wolfgirrl · 12/06/2020 00:11

So date a man your own age, maybe someone that already has kids (single obviously)?

Original poster

HappyDays36 · 12/06/2020 00:11

So why not think about dating from your own age group
Because all the men I meet are younger. I don’t have spare time to do hobbies outside of kids/work.

OP posts:

ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 12/06/2020 00:16

You’re getting a hard time because no where in this fantasy have you considered the impact of your actions on your existing children. Their whole world is different and rather than focusing on how you’re getting them through it, you’re thinking about how to introduce a new partner and half sibling and throw it off it’s axis again. Your priorities seem very poor.

Wolfgirrl · 12/06/2020 00:18

Will you ex have any custody share of the kids? If so that opens up time for socialising there and then. But I would strongly advise letting the dust from your split settle first.

Foxes157 · 12/06/2020 00:21

As a child of 1978 with nervous children from 2 fathers that are older, what attracts you to hsving more children.

The risk of a pregnancy are huge, just no

Mummyshark2019 · 12/06/2020 00:24

You are too old. Find someone outside of work, similar age to you and live life. You don't need to breed.

VetOnCall · 12/06/2020 00:31

I don’t want to be in a situation where we date, fall in love then 2-3 years later he says he wants children but I can’t give him children by then because I’m too old

You're jumping the gun a bit considering you haven't dated him yet, but realistically there is every chance that a 28 year old will eventually want children of their own (although for a 28 year old man especially, 'eventually' could be 10+ years down the line). Even if you and he did get together though the answer isn't to rush into having a baby when you already have 2 young children - children who are already having to deal with their parents' divorce without having a new man and a new baby foisted on them in short order.

Your existing kids need to be your priority, not what a man you're not even going out with yet might want in the future. Just because you fancy someone doesn't mean you're actually compatible in terms of life stages, life plans etc. I think you'd be better served to wait, concentrate on you and your kids for a while and then think about dating people who are in a similar life stage to you.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 12/06/2020 00:37

Tbf, not all 28 year olds are focused on having a career, travelling etc - I think a lot of posters on here are projecting. Kate Beckinsale for example is around her mid 40's and is dating younger men in their 20's, because not all women of this age are completely haggard. I know plenty of younger men who are into older women (I may have been one of those older women ) and in some circumstances might even like the idea of a ready-made family.

Still, I don't think it's a marvellous idea and it will end in menopausal tears.

MrsAvocet · 12/06/2020 02:07

@HappyDays36

No I’m saying, I’m worried that I will get hurt because I’m worried that I will fall in love but not be able to give a guy what he wants for us to remain together.

I do feel for you OP. You sound sad, and some of the replies you have had have been a bit blunt, if honest. But yes, your fears are well founded. Let's just imagine for a moment that you are a single 42 year old with no children who is about to embark on a relationship with a much younger man. If you asked is it a possibility that the man will want children in the future and you won't be able to have them, your answers would be a bit different to those on this thread, but I think the majority would still reply with "Yes, that could well happen". Of course not everyone, male or female, wants theirvown biological children, but the fact is that most of us do have children, so the probability that any younger partner will want a baby at some point is quite high. And if you consider that even if you started dating tomorrow, by the time the relationship is secure enough for a baby you would probably be in your mid to late 40s, the chances of a straightforward, healthy pregnancy would be quite low. So putting those two things together, I would say that the probability of your worst case scenario coming true is fairly high, even if there were no other factors. But your situation is much more complicated than that. You do have two children. What do you think the chances are of a man who has no interest in having a baby of his own being willing to have your children as an important part of his life? It isn't impossible of course - I am sure there are some excellent step dads who don't want a biological child - but is it likely? I would think that any young man who is sufficiently keen on young children to want to become stepdad to two as young as yours is also quite likely to want his own. And if he isn't interested in children would you want him in your offspring's lives? Of course nobody can say for sure. "J" or another of your young colleagues may be absolutely perfect for you, not care one iota about the age difference, be a devoted step dad to your two children but never have any desire for his own baby. It could happen. But would you bet a substantial sum of money on it? If you wouldn't risk your cash on that kind of odds, then don't risk something far more precious on it - your children's happiness, and indeed your own.

fallfallfall · 12/06/2020 02:18

Meet who you want BUT your ovum are 42 years old and not so fresh, your chances of a child with physical or learning challenges are increased.

user1473878824 · 12/06/2020 02:18

Oh OP. I’m genuinely sad this isn’t a reverse. You’ve made up a fantastic life with a 28 year old who you aren’t even dating. Do you not get how weird this is? I don’t believe they at no point in your life you ever meet people your own age or even close to it you could have an actual, normal relationship with. Your marriage has just ended. And based on all of your posts in this thread I think you could really do with some counselling.

Dairyfairies · 12/06/2020 08:37

the age of your face has nothing to do with the age of your eggs. I don't think you understand this.

Bluntness100 · 12/06/2020 08:48

The issue here op if you’re still reading is the fact you’ve not even dated this man you’re now fantasising about falling in love and having babies with him.

You must understand how relationships work? You get to know each other, sometimes it lasts, most times it doesn’t. Irrelevant of age. The fact two people fancy each other doesn’t mean they will be life partners.

You need to try to calm yourself down. If you wish to date him ask him, but you need to try to stop projecting yourself into happily ever after with this guy.

Treacletoots · 12/06/2020 08:58

Hi OP. I think you've had a bit of a rough time here.

I get it, i've always dated younger men, I look at least 10 years younger than I am and older men simply don't appeal.

However, dating and settling down and considering children is a big step apart. You may also find that dating a 28 year old is fun and fine for now, but tiring and eventually not what you really want.

I used to work for a fertility clinic and saw no end of women in their early, mid and late 40s who didn't realise that just because they were fit, healthy and in good shape etc that their eggs and reproductive systems weren't the same. When these ladies wanted IVF they always were recommended to use donor eggs, and often declined and sadly it almost never worked. I'm just saying the reality of it.

Dip your toe into the pond, have some fun, see what happens just don't overthink it and plan the rest of your life out because you've absolutely no idea how things will pan out. Just go with the flow and see where it takes you.

Also. I had DD at 38. I'm fit healthy and completely knackered 80% of the time. I can't imagine doing it at 45 plus.

Bluewarbler27 · 12/06/2020 09:00

I think you’re too old for a baby. I also think you’re too old to be considering a relationship with a 28 year old 🙄.

SarahMcDonald · 12/06/2020 09:02

@TheVanguardSix

Your age isn't the reason you shouldn't be considering having a third child right now.

This.

SerenDippitty · 12/06/2020 09:18

Kate Beckinsale for example is around her mid 40's and is dating younger men in their 20's, because not all women of this age are completely haggard.

Funny, men in their 40s dating younger women in their 20s would be considered creepy or a bit ridiculous on here.

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