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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too old for a 3rd child?

130 replies

HappyDays36 · 10/06/2020 23:59

I’m 42, recently split with husband. I have 2 boys aged 4 and 6.

I’m a hopeless romantic and still believe in love and marriage.

I work in an industry full of young, good looking, intelligent men (lucky me!). If I date one of these guys and things get serious then he might want a family and a biological child of his own. I’m open to that.

Has anyone been in that situation?

AIBU to think that at 42 I might meet someone new and have a baby with them while still fertile??

YABU - you’re too old to meet someone new and have another baby.
YANBU - anything is possible

OP posts:
IPityThePontipines · 11/06/2020 02:06

Don't you and your children need to get over the split first?

Or is the 28 year old meant to take your mind of that?

I would concentrate on the here and now.

flirtygirl · 11/06/2020 02:07

Not too old, no as many have their first at 42. Your age gap is quite good as your kids are still little.

But the scenario you describe sounds rubbish and this is from someone who would happily have babies up till age 48. Lots of women stay fertile till menopause.

Blondebakingmumma · 11/06/2020 02:33

I think if you were already in a committed relationship I’d say go for it. At 42 you still have a chance. But, you aren’t in a relationship, so will need to date for a while before a relationship becomes serious. I imagine you wouldn’t introduce a new guy to your kids until it’s serious and you’ve been together for a while. I imagine it would a couple of years before you would make a joint decision to have kids, if the relationship lasts that long.

To be blunt I can’t see a 28 year old wanting to date a 42 year old and have child. Sorry 😐

Toomuchtrouble4me · 11/06/2020 02:37

You could easily do it but that doesn't mean it would be wise.
I had mine at 32,34,41,44.
But a big help is having my DH (Biological dad to all) and my teens to help with younder ones - it does get tiring, and you don't have that support.Enjoy what you've got imo.

Cait73 · 11/06/2020 03:16

I was 46 when I took on my 10 month old grandson it's NOT EASY! I definitely couldn't cope with another 2 aswell but with the right support (ie a partner) I'm sure it's possible

Women have babies in their 40's ALL the time it's just not something I'd choose

ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 11/06/2020 04:16

You already have two small children who will need time to adjust to their new normal, let alone adding in another partner, let alone adding in another child, before your fertility wanes.
I doubt you have the time to fit in another because of the time you would need to give your existing children to adjust to all of this.

yummumto3girls · 11/06/2020 04:37

What a strange post!!! I had third DD at age 40. Getting pregnant/having a baby at that age is fine, however I am very conscious that I am the older mum in the playground (fortunately not there much due to work) but you do need to think about your age as the child grows up, when the child is 18 you will be 60!

Millicent10 · 11/06/2020 05:59

What does the 28 year old think of this Confused? Most would run a mile.....

missyoumuch · 11/06/2020 06:06

YABU in your specific situation. You don’t even seem to have considered if the 28 year old can be a good stepfather to your DCs (or wants to me) and you’re planning a new baby?!

If you want a boyfriend get one, but please don’t rush into playing happy families because of your biological clock. You have two DCs already. Take care of them.

motherheroic · 11/06/2020 06:08

You're not even divorced. The fantasy you describe is delusional, focus on your existing children.

Cremebrule · 11/06/2020 06:55

I really don’t think all the 28 year olds will be lining up to date you. Put your children first and not some ridiculous fantasy about having another baby with a random colleague. And yes I think you’d be too old.

TwilightPeace · 11/06/2020 07:00

Your way of thinking is selfish. All about yourself and what you want.
Focus on getting your two children through the divorce. THEN think about what is best for you all as a family unit....I don’t think that includes rushing to get impregnated by someone in their twenties.

zscaler · 11/06/2020 07:01

Biologically it could probably happen. Realistically, it sounds like a disaster. You’re only recently split, which means your existing children have gone through a big upheaval already. If you’re going to have another child it will have to be soon, which means you simply won’t have that much time to get to know the man you’ve lined up as a potential father.

I don’t really think it’s fair to bring a new relationship and a new baby into the family with your existing children when they’re already getting used to a big change in their lives. Your existing children are your priority.

You will also have to consider that at your age there is a greater likelihood of your baby being born with a disability. Do you have the resources to manage that and still provide the same quality of life to your existing children?

You can still be a hopeless romantic - there’s every likelihood that you’ll go on to have great, meaningful relationships. But I don’t think it would be a good idea for those to involve new babies.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/06/2020 07:04

How do you know the 28 year old wants to date you?

There's nothing wrong with being a romantic but you need to be realistic too. Most men in their late 20s won't be interested in a 42 year old who already has children. If you've only recently split with your husband, take some time out for yourself and your children. If you do want a relationship further down the line you'd be better looking for someone closer to your age.

Sceptre86 · 11/06/2020 07:08

You don't sound very mature for your age. There is absolutely no reason why you couldn't still have another child but what about your existing two. I would focus on what you have at the moment, divorce can be a very big upheaval for kids. Maybe come up with a new normal for your existing kids first before you attempt to bring a partner and another baby into the mix.

ibizarocks · 11/06/2020 07:08

I would concentrate on the children you already have to ensure they're coping with your recent separation from their dad first before even thinking about having a child with someone new

Notajogger · 11/06/2020 07:11

You have only recently split. Don't throw a baby and new relationship into the mix. That's a lot to ask of your DC.
This. Focus on your existing kids.

Plus I imagine a 28 year old bloke would want to be in a relationship for 5-7 years before wanting kids. And you would need to be in a relationship for a decent amount of time before you introduce him to your kids, and then much longer still before you know it's going to last and you are both ready to try for kids. At least 5 years, surely?

MrsP2015 · 11/06/2020 07:15

Yanbu

If you want another child and can give the love & support to a 3rd go for it!

Rainycloudyday · 11/06/2020 07:17

This is so bizarre. OP to be honest with you you’re sounding a bit crazy and desperate. Of course 42 isn’t too old to have a baby biologically, although it’s less likely. But what on earth is going on in your head that you’ve just split from your small children’s father and you’re weighing up how likely you are to get pregnant by a fit 28 year old at work Confused As others have said, the odds of one of these fit young men wanting a long term serious relationship and a baby with a much older woman with her own kids...well it’s not impossible but I don’t like your chances unless you look like JLo. And even if that were the case, how about focusing on your children whose world has been turned upside down and making things secure and happy for them before racing off to find someone else to impregnate you?

ArriettyJones · 11/06/2020 07:19

I’m a hopeless romantic and still believe in love and marriage.

I work in an industry full of young, good looking, intelligent men (lucky me!). If I date one of these guys and things get serious then he might want a family and a biological child of his own. I’m open to that.

You might well still have time to conceive a child.

You are less likely to have time to start a relationship from scratch, date, get engaged, marry and then plan a family in the traditional order and a sensible time frame.

So decide whether your priority is another baby or being “hopelessly romantic”.

SpillTheTeaa · 11/06/2020 07:20

I wouldn't say you're too old but I think you seem a bit needy at the moment.
I mean, what's to say these men want relations with you? Are you fantasising a bit? Just have time to yourself don't rush into anything.

HappyMealWithLegs · 11/06/2020 07:22

You have only recently split. Don't throw a baby and new relationship into the mix. That's a lot to ask of your DC

^^ this. If you were already in a relationship and thinking of a third at 42 then i'm sure most people would say go for it. Your scenario is completely different. I'll be honest, it sounds really weird to be eyeing up people half your age and thinking of breeding with them, fresh off the back of a divorce with the ink still drying on the papers? I mean, really?

dontdisturbmenow · 11/06/2020 07:22

A 28yo having fun 2i4h a 42yo, yep. A 28yo choosing to have a baby with a 42yo who already has two kids? No chance. So that would mean having to trap him and that would be nasty.

Add to that to have any half chance, you'd have to start very soon. Why would you want to introduce a new man in your children's life now?

Fantasizing about it is crazy enough, genuinely wondering if it's possible is madness.

Dallaa · 11/06/2020 07:23

What does the 28 year old think? You make it sound as though he doesnt have much say in the matter Confused

PotteringAlong · 11/06/2020 07:25

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/3933244-son-wants-to-live-with-dad

Read this thread!