Angry with my mum hugging my daughter

[MilkSweatAndTears]

I’ve barely seen my mum since lock down , she lives 30 mins away. Over the past two weeks I’ve started to go over with my three year old and baby to sit in the garden . Explained to 3 year old about no cuddling right now , she understood . My mum has been badgering me to let her cuddle / have the kids but I’ve been firm. I’m still worried , more for her sake seen as she’s much more at risk Statistically . Anyway I had my mum over to my house today as it was raining she came inside , it was all fine until I went to use the toilet , when I came back my daughter immediately said ‘nanny gave me big hug mummy ‘ I was so upset , mainly because she has no respect for me or my wishes . There has been similar instances in the past although none the same as this obviously. I told my mum that was wrong and I didn’t like to that moment I left the room she did that . Anyway my mum got up in a huff and walked out without saying goodbye . I messaged her my feelings and she’a completely shut down and refuses to apologise or see why wrong doing .

Aibu to be so cross ? I’m mostly hurt to be honest . Really feel she’s betrayed me

@ Vodkacranberryplease how dare you write such a horrid thing about a small innocent child . You should be ashamed of your self .

I have raised my daughter to be open and honest with me to encourage her to come forward
If god forbid something awful was to happen to her . I’m very proud of her . You make me feel sick

@MilkSweatandTears Absolutely agree.

My DCs were the same, I always encouraged openness and as a consequence we can talk about anything.

When they were teenagers I was amazed at the number of their friends who couldn't approach their mothers over anything that they considered might end up being, an even a slightly, uncomfortable conversation.

One friend of one of my DDs, via my DD, actually asked me to talk to her about periods because she didn't feel she could talk to her own mother.

When, as a teenager, my DD smoked weed, for the first and last time, she had no hesitation in telling me why she was vomiting and had such awful diarrhoea and we were able to talk about it afterwards and the wisdom of avoiding it in the future, although, I suspect she'd already worked that out for herself.

Children being able to talk openly to their parents without fear of being punished or judged in some way is absolutely vital.

[quote Vodkacranberryplease]@CherryStoneTree yeah daughters amazing. Until her mother, the op is old. And then she treats her like dirt because that's what you do to your mum. What goes around comes around. Teaching your kid to be a spiteful tittle tattle isn't exactly giving her life skills - and she's doing it to her granny. Ugh. You are just awful.[/quote]
What a vile tirade. The child is 3, she was probably excited and even if she wasn't, what if Granny had srxually abused her in the time Mom was away, wouldn't you want her to tattle?? 3 yos aren't meant to keep secrets from their parents because that's how abuse gets shushed up. And whilst I agree op is in tbe wrong over the way she reacted, lots of people are going a bit crazy atm, it doesn't mean she doesn't love her, just that her perspective is a bit corona-obscured

I thought the PP sounded gloaty and mean. You encourage your children to be open and honest you don't encourage them to wield power over adults for no good reason when that adult is her gran that loves her desperately. Not saying the OP did by the way but the PP definitely thought it was a good idea.

To use child abuse as a parallel is a bit sick imho. A kind of I will say anything to win thing, I'll put it down to corona madness, there's a lot of it about. I can't wait for things to go back to normal and for this stress to go. The damage it's doing is huge.

There's just no balance here. No looking at the actual risk from an elderly lady who had been self isolating.

No accepting that other people, even your mum, don't always do what you tell them to do. If you set up an unreasonable rule people will break it and those people could be related, and they could love and respect you. What's with all of the 'I can't believe she didn't do exactly what I told her to do!' Honestly it's crazy. Do your husbands do exactly as they are told? Do the teachers do exactly as they are told? And when they don't do you decide that they disrespect you and so should be cut off?

Attack me all you like, but I think there's a lot of very bitter, very unpleasant behaviour here and I'm actually rather shocked at the clearly resentful views. If your mothers really are harridans who didn't love you and undermine you at every turn then I agree 100%.

But head over to a few of the narcissist partner threads if you want to see what REAL disrespect, abuse, undermining and manipulation looks like.

And there are a lot of mums on here ssying YABU to the OP who very reasonably took it on board.

the risk of the hug is the same as the risk of you bringing your mum inside your house. You had already created the risk by doing that.
I agree with this. As you broke the rules by letting your mum in the house.

the risk of the hug is the same as the risk of you bringing your mum inside your house. You had already created the risk by doing that

That's not the point though is it, it's the fact that the op has expressed her wishes and her dm has gone behind her back and not done something she knows is wrong, and that her dd has asked her not to do.

I'd be pissed of too op

@copycopypaste it's the fact that the op has expressed her wishes and her dm has gone behind her back and not done something she knows is wrong, and that her dd has asked her not to do.

She disobeyed a direct order. How fucking dare she. Omg. Just oh. My. God. 😮😮

Explained to 3 year old about no cuddling right now , she understood

But is a 3 year be fully capable of understanding or remebereing and sticking to the rule you imposed ?

I went to use the toilet , when I came back my daughter immediately said ‘nanny gave me big hug mummy ‘ I was so upset , mainly because she has no respect for me or...

But do you know for sure it was your mum who instigated the hug? If it was your DD who went to grandma for the hug, then what was your mum supposed to do? Push her away?

I think you should give your mum some sympathy and understanding here, whatever happened when you went out of the room

She disobeyed a direct order. How fucking dare she. Omg. Just oh. My. God. 😮😮

Haha @Vodkacranberryplease haha did you get out of bed in the wrong side this morning

Standard crap from Vodka best ignored.

I'd let it go

My mother loves my children like they were hers. They are the most important thing to her other than me. She's got no one else

It would be like me not being able to hug my own children right now when they were scared. I'd cut her slack. It's her own flesh and blood. She was already in your house.

My six month old grandchild keeps reaching out to me to be held, when I visit in their garden. It's breaking my heart.

And because I've taken someone into my home during lockdown because they had nowhere to go, I don't count as living alone so I can't even have a bubble with my daughter and granddaughter.

I probably wouldn't have dared hug your daughter in your mum's position, but jeeze it would have been hard not to. Please empathise with how your mum must be feeling, and make up with her.

YANBU

Regardless of the actual risk, she undermined you and your decisions regarding your dd.

Well let's just hope granny decides to spend all the inheritance on a round the world cruise (cheaper than a home) and give the rest to charity. And decides that free babysitting and spending all her money on gifts for her grandchildren isn't always a good idea.

@copycopypaste I'm having a very good day actually! It's almost the weekend which I get to spend with my also self isolating friend. Drinking vodka cranberry etc and chatting. We stay at each other's and she's the host this weekend. The first thing I do when I see her is give her a big hug. Think I'll take flowers this weekend as it's nearly our last one!

I'm just incredulous that's all. I just can't wrap my head around this dynamic where people actually get angry with their own mothers for disobeying an order that should never have been given. Angry. Not slightly annoyed or letting it go. But then want the perks of being a daughter (probably) . Yet these same people would never dream of expecting complete obedience from their husbands and probably put up with far too much shit! It's just so power crazed. I get protecting your kids but this is 100% a power struggle and it's sad.

You may understand when they grow up and do the same to you. Best get some friends between now and then who are going to be there for you - if you can find any that will follow your commands 😂😂

I think this is breaking your trust. If your mom had said "take her into the bathroom...I can't be trusted", I think you'd have the choice to say "okay mum...if it matters this much to you, go ahead"...but it's about doing something behind your back that you asked her not to do. It's sneaky and unnecessary.

My aunt asked me to hold my baby outside in the garden, facing outward and said she wouldn't kiss her. Then, she got her in her lap and immediately went in for a big snuggle and kissed all over the back of her head (which is fine under normal circumstances...but was the exact opposite of what she'd said)...and then she started crying with joy....I said "okay...." because I had allowed that contact and she did it right in front of me. She was also apologetic and said wouldn't do it again.

Had I been angry and had she not been remorseful, we would have had a big problem...

I think that if your mom isn't sorry she disrespected you, there's a bigger issue.. it's probably what she does a lot of the time.

I don't understand why people can't just be respectful of others.

Read my MIL lied about herpes thread. It's where I get dragged haha.

I.understand your mom's desire to be around you, but she needs to be respectful AND an adult capable of controlling herself and showing some understanding of limits.

I'm sure after visiting for a while over a period of time, you would have let her cuddle and kiss her granddaughter eventually. Now it just becomes a weird power struggle. So unnecessary.

AND PEOPLE: it's not about the hug

@Natashabobasha1

AND PEOPLE: it's not about the hug

I think we have gathered. OP is being a bit extreme though. What about people’s emotional welfare and mental health? Does that get pushed aside as SD trumps it?

AND: I know life is full of people disrespecting us, not listening to us and undermining us...but there's an issue when it's in your own home and involves the people who are closest to you.

My home, my family and my extended family are sacred. I should be able to express my desires and be listened to.

If my husband goes against my wishes, I thrash it out with him...

If my child goes against my wishes, I'm going to handle it (age appropriate).

Same rules apply to granny...

Old ladies don't get a free pass. Anybody...and I mean anybody can have a child.

The badge of "mother" and "grandmother" doesn't give anybody free reign to do whatever they like.

@Tomoveornotomove2

Why do feel its ok for the Mum to 'stick to the rules' but not the OP?

Genuine question, not trying to be goady.

Emotional health and welfare. Yes. It works both ways, though...

You can visit and maintain a distance. You can picnic and break bread together.

But....ironically...drawing her granddaughter close to her in an embrace just created emotional distance from her daughter, didn't it?

My desire to be hugged shouldn't trump your desire not to hug me back.

The grandchild isn't mommy's posession, but for the first years of life, it's her duty to say what goes and what doesn't.

The granny just created an emotional divide for no reason between herself and her daughter and probably really confused the granddaughter...again...weird and unnecessary..

The OP isn't heartless....didn't leave her mom out in the rain. They were visiting....there was a limit set...she turned her back...granny was like "my desires trump yours. F you" and here we are.

You're the one who went against all the social distancing suggestions by allowing your mum to come into your house in the first place.

I really couldn't be angry with someone for hugging their grandchild, irrespective of the circumstances.

This whole thing is making people blow everything out of proportion and I hate how it's making people behave.

Really...a lot of this is just down to consent and people being selfish with other people's children.

My kids aren't around to fulfill ANYBODY'S desires including my own.

I’m still worried , more for her sake seen as she’s much more at risk

To be fair to the granny, she's an adult.
If the OP's concerns are more for her health, and not just a power thing, then the granny has every right to take a risk if she wants.
It's different if there is reasonable concern in relation to the child.