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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry with my mum hugging my daughter

149 replies

MilkSweatAndTears · 10/06/2020 18:14

I’ve barely seen my mum since lock down , she lives 30 mins away. Over the past two weeks I’ve started to go over with my three year old and baby to sit in the garden . Explained to 3 year old about no cuddling right now , she understood . My mum has been badgering me to let her cuddle / have the kids but I’ve been firm. I’m still worried , more for her sake seen as she’s much more at risk Statistically . Anyway I had my mum over to my house today as it was raining she came inside , it was all fine until I went to use the toilet , when I came back my daughter immediately said ‘nanny gave me big hug mummy ‘ I was so upset , mainly because she has no respect for me or my wishes . There has been similar instances in the past although none the same as this obviously. I told my mum that was wrong and I didn’t like to that moment I left the room she did that . Anyway my mum got up in a huff and walked out without saying goodbye . I messaged her my feelings and she’a completely shut down and refuses to apologise or see why wrong doing .

Aibu to be so cross ? I’m mostly hurt to be honest . Really feel she’s betrayed me

OP posts:
Laaalaaaa · 10/06/2020 20:04

It’s ok for you to break the rules by inviting her into your house? I think you’re being incredibly unreasonable - if you don’t want a grandparent hugging your child don’t see them - especially not in your home which I’m sure you know is against the rules.

ThanksItHasPockets · 10/06/2020 20:04

Is there more to this? Your reaction seems disproportionate if you feel truly hurt and betrayed. I think you owe her an apology.

Original poster
MilkSweatAndTears · 10/06/2020 20:06

Thank you for all the replies , seems I am indeed being unreasonable. I’ll give it some thought

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 10/06/2020 20:14

I think YANBU. She deliberately went behind your back. Yes it was 'just a hug' but it was something you had repeatedly asked her not to do, and she isn't meant to anyway. She is not respecting your wishes and it sounds like this sort of thing has happened before. I'm not saying you need to have a massive reaction, but it's fair enough to be annoyed.

Dreamscomingtrue · 10/06/2020 20:24

My grandson, 16 months ran over and hugged me in his garden, how could I not hug him back. I’ve been self isolating for 3 months, getting shopping deliveries. He’s been in self isolation for 3 months. My daughter in law decided that it wasn’t a big deal. We’re both sensible enough to not have made a big thing out of it. Sometimes you do need to evaluate the Situation and risks. Our mental health is a thing too that needs to be considered under these current circumstances.

Enormouscroc · 10/06/2020 20:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ as requested by the OP.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 10/06/2020 20:30

@PuntoEBasta from the article you linked:

Point your faces in opposite directions — the position of your face matters most. Don’t talk or cough while you’re hugging. And do it quickly. Approach each other and briefly embrace. When you are done, don’t linger. Back away quickly so you don’t breathe into each other’s faces. Wash your hands afterward. And try not to cry. Tears and runny noses increase risk for coming into contact with more fluids that contain the virus.

Heart. Broken. Sad

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 10/06/2020 20:36

OP I understand your frustration and she was naughty doing it behind your back.

But this really wasn't worth falling out over in the first place - it's a small hug for her grandchild - the risk is reasonably minimal. I'm sure she'll be fine.

TinyPigeon · 10/06/2020 20:39

I do not think YABU.

It was a sneaky and underhanded thing to do. She undermined you with your children! It's not about the hug/covid risk.

PuntoEBasta · 10/06/2020 20:48

I know @JesusInTheCabbageVan Sad

HesterShaw1 · 10/06/2020 20:51

Maybe she waited until you were out of the room because it was the only way she could get some much needed and longed for physical contact with another human. I would have done the same as her if I was in that situation.

ProudMarys · 10/06/2020 20:57

Just on a lighter note, typical 3 year old to quickly tell on you, after probably eagerly opening out her arms to receive the hug 😂 I hope you sort it out with your mum, hopefully she will respect your wishes but also I would cut her some slack.

CertieCumboyle · 10/06/2020 20:57

I’m still worried , more for her sake seen as she’s much more at risk Statistically

It is your mum's business to assess her risk, not yours.

She probably hugged your DD 'behind your back' because she knew you would be unreasonable about it.

irregularegular · 10/06/2020 21:00

The risk is many times greater to her than to your child or you, so in a sense it is her choice. I think you are being very harsh.

Much better to have a chat with her about. Discuss how hard it is, but agree together that it is still best to avoid hugging as far as possible. Also discuss whether it is worth the risk (to her) of being inside your house. Or decide together that you now wish to form a "bubble" (which will mean you being extra careful in order to reduce the risk to her).

Being angry at her isn't helpful

CertieCumboyle · 10/06/2020 21:02

Discuss how hard it is, but agree together that it is still best to avoid hugging as far as possible

It wouldn't be "agreeing together": it would be the OP having her own way (which is the wrong way, IMO).

HauntedGoatFart · 10/06/2020 21:07

It was a sneaky and underhanded thing to do. She undermined you with your children! It's not about the hug/covid risk.

If it's not about the Covid risk, then on what basis exactly does the OP have any right to comment on what two other human beings voluntarily do with their bodies?

Vodkacranberryplease · 10/06/2020 21:25

I don't know how many South Park fans we have here (not many I suspect) but some of these posts have more than a whiff of Cartman's "Respect my authoritah!!" about them.

It's not cool to go all power crazed on this. People with actual power don't behave like this. One day you will probably all be grannies and when you are you will be shocked and hurt if your child that you love so desperately and gave up so much for sees you as just a low level employee in Mumzilla Ltd. Good for babysitting and house deposits but by god step out of line and there's hell to pay.

And if you treat your mum that way and act like Robert mugabe in a skirt then they will do exactly that. If you don't set up a load of stupid rules in the first place then there's nothing to 'disrespect' is there? Unless they really are awful, manipulative grannies in which case just cut contact.

TinyPigeon · 10/06/2020 21:44

When one is her three year old who can't consent to anything...@HauntedGoatFart

Obviously if it was two adults you'd have a point 🤦‍♀️

Sugartitss · 10/06/2020 21:47

Fucksake get over it. Your poor mum.

Vodkacranberryplease · 10/06/2020 22:09

@TinyPigeon When one is her three year old who can't consent to anything...

Yeah you're right! This is fucking child abuse. She needs to call the police RIGHT NOW.

Writerandreader · 10/06/2020 22:13

Gosh your poor mum has she been on her own? Just have some compassion op. I can't even imagine how tough lockdown has been for people on their own

In Switzerland children are seen by scientists as so low risk they can hug grandparents.

Under 5s represent almost zero covid cases globally literally almost zero.

Covid is almost gone from our communities at the moment. Let's all get some perspective.

As others have said from Saturday this is officially allowed anyway.

PennyInMyPocket · 10/06/2020 22:29

I was so happy to see my GS last week. His mother asked if I would have him so she could attend an interview. I readily agreed. We went for a walk, outdoors.

GS is two years old. He doesn’t want to hug. All he wants to do is run. It was amazing to spend time with him after so long..... until my sister told me I should be ashamed of myself for breaking the “rules”.

Now all I want to do is cry.

I have adhered to the guidelines for 3 months, while my neighbours have carried on as normal.

It’s crazy how the rules stipulate I am
Not allowed to care for my GS, at my home, for his parents to work but he can go to a childminders home at cost to his parents - childminder cannot see her own grandchildren but can care for other people’s grandchildren. Where is the sense in that??

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 10/06/2020 22:31

I’m ignoring Covid and possible risks, and going against the grain here. I expect to be flamed, but surely the main thing is the GM going against the actual Mothers wishes? If she’d ignore your choices on this what else would she ignore? Why do GM’s wants top the descision of the child’s actual mother? Who would feel happy being basically overruled in this way?

Covid aside, surely it’s the actual parents decision, and their

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 10/06/2020 22:35

oh ffs!!

And their choice should be respected?

sweetheartyparty · 10/06/2020 22:41

You bent the rules, so did she. The risk of catching anything from each other is extremely low so I would say just forget about it now.