Angry with my mum hugging my daughter

[MilkSweatAndTears]

I’ve barely seen my mum since lock down , she lives 30 mins away. Over the past two weeks I’ve started to go over with my three year old and baby to sit in the garden . Explained to 3 year old about no cuddling right now , she understood . My mum has been badgering me to let her cuddle / have the kids but I’ve been firm. I’m still worried , more for her sake seen as she’s much more at risk Statistically . Anyway I had my mum over to my house today as it was raining she came inside , it was all fine until I went to use the toilet , when I came back my daughter immediately said ‘nanny gave me big hug mummy ‘ I was so upset , mainly because she has no respect for me or my wishes . There has been similar instances in the past although none the same as this obviously. I told my mum that was wrong and I didn’t like to that moment I left the room she did that . Anyway my mum got up in a huff and walked out without saying goodbye . I messaged her my feelings and she’a completely shut down and refuses to apologise or see why wrong doing .

Aibu to be so cross ? I’m mostly hurt to be honest . Really feel she’s betrayed me

@PennyInMyPocket this made me really sad to read. You tell your sister not to be so damn nasty. What 'rules'? No one knows what they are, you weren't doing anything unsafe, you've been isolating, and the only 'rules' that count are
1 Are you safe? (yes)
2 Am I putting anyone at risk? (no)

Off topic but that's a pretty toxic thing to say. If it's her usual style maybe try to not see her too much and don't let her know anything about your life. No one who knows you and cares about you says things like this. It's not a good sign imho.

@PennyInMyPocket It must be so hard for you, the ‘rules’ are inconsistent at best and bonkers or positively harmful at worst.

That’s not what I see the OP is about though, it seems more an over-riding of her judgement rather than an ‘abiding by the rules’ issue

Invite her back on Saturday. BoJo has decided it’s magically OK to hug people again from 1 Minute past midnight Friday/Saturday because any infection she had today will have miraculously vanished by then.

It’s your mother, for crying out loud. She hugged her grandchild that she hasn’t seen in months. I haven’t seen my mother since last year. If I could hug her right now, just try and stop me. I’m sure your mother is reasonable enough that she wouldn’t have come to your home if she had any symptoms.

Honestly Covid-19 has turned some people stark raving mad. As previous posters said, people can go shopping (indoors with lots of strangers who are in contact with goodness knows how many others and no one knows their hygiene regime either) and children can be minded by child minders but children and grandparents can’t be together. The whole situation is crazy and there were some sad stories above (the lady who died; the poster whose sister made her feel so bad about minding her grandchild).
To the OP-don’t fall out with your mum over this. It’s really not worth it. It must have been so hard on people shielding to have no physical contact with their families.

"You've expressed your wishes and she's not respected that and that's the issue here, not the actual whether they should be hugging or not which i think some people are missing here. I wouldn't be happy and she's undermined what you have said to DD. I would let her sulk as she wants. She was in the wrong. I have had similar undermining issues with my mum and it's frustrating"
This.

My children's granny died of Covid 19 in March. I'd have given anything for her to have had one last hug with her grandchildren. If your anger is because you are consumed with worry for your mum's well-being then I can understand it. But if it's just because of some shit over disrespecting your wishes then I think you're completely heartless.

But if it's just because of some shit over disrespecting your wishes then I think you're completely heartless.

Could not agree more. So many people acting like petty despots who must be obeyed or else. I have actual staff and I would never behave like this. Life is full of people not respecting your wishes. Get over it.

Like PP I too have similar issues with my mother disrespecting/undermining me as a parent In general and she’s done the same as yours, OP. Granted we’re in Australia where the infection rate is much lower than the UK, but still. In my case, as I’m sure it is in yours, this is not an isolated incident, but rather a pattern of behaviour. She belittles me to my child and husband all the time, and if I speak up she rolls her eyes and I am told I am overly sensitive while she works her best triangulation tricks. I hope it’s not like this with your mum, OP. It’s horrible.

@Vodkacranberryplease You realise your “actual staff” are not you children, right? You didn’t grow them in your body, give birth to them and take on full responsibility for their health and wellbeing for a significant number of years, right?

Maybe that's the difference. It just seems like such a power trip to me. Like someone is compensating and just taking the control where they can.

If a grandmother truly is a horrible toxic person then cut them off. Reading what you say about yours I think you need to avoid her frankly, no one needs that shit - and id fire anyone that did it.

When I compare staff I'm comparing them to your mothers, not your children, and of course they gave birth to you and carried you just the way you have your own children. I wouldn't be so controlling with staff and I do think that some mums turn into joyless control freaks. I see it around here all the time - they look like they want to throttle someone. One jumped the queue in front of me today with her buggy. I just thought whatever love you obviously need that little win more than I do.

It can be a difficult and unfulfilling life sometimes I think. There's a lot of anger and judgement between some mums - breastfeeding or not, working or not. All single women there to steal your man, etc etc.

My sis is law is a great mum. Lots of friends, always had her wine o'clock, never even tried to be perfect. And just never ever even thought about this kind of thing.

It's really hard for everyone right now. My mum is early 80s and has completely socially isolated from the start. However, she has now diagnosed with progressive kidney failure, and tests for potential lung cancer. She's said bugger the isolating if the tests prove positive. She's a fully mentally competent adult (also an ex nurse). She's asked if we're happy as a family to break isolating and expose her to the risks, she's wanting that vs potentially spending the last of her lifetime alone. But obviously she'll also respect our wishes if we decline. Nobody can say what another family should do or not. I think we all need to risk assess for ourselves and react based upon individual circumstances at this point.

I find this whole lockdown charade increasingly ludicrous and surreal.

I can't imagine getting het up over this at all and I think you owe your poor mother an apology, not an attempt to justify your ridiculous overreaction.

A grandmother hugged her granddaughter. So what? Lockdown or no lockdown, you need to chill out a little. You already invited her into your house. What is the issue?

I'm sure your mum is feeling lovely now!

Whoever told this poor woman to "just get over it" needs a reality check, 2 weeks ago my gs received an unscheduled and uninvited amount of hugs and kisses from his other grandparent and I now have to take him for swab testing tomorrow since he's developed a persistent cough

Might as well check guidelines for safer hugging.
They can have a reasonably safe hug at waist level, for example.

Better if you all wear masks when inside and for hugs.

It's much more difficult to be seeing each other and not hug at all.

This may help

www.nytimes.com/2020/06/04/well/family/coronavirus-pandemic-hug-mask.html

@Cait73

Whoever told this poor woman to "just get over it" needs a reality check, 2 weeks ago my gs received an unscheduled and uninvited amount of hugs and kisses from his other grandparent and I now have to take him for swab testing tomorrow since he's developed a persistent cough

But the hug may be totally irrelevant.

I think the timing is such that Boris has said 2 households can hug and kiss that this event feels less impactful.
I also agree that once she was over the threshold, any risk had increased so she may as well have had the benefit.
It was blatantly underhand though for her to do it as she did.
I also think that the handling of it will have had more negative impact on your child than necessary.

YABU. She wanted to hug her grandchild and ultimately, what's the harm? If she did get sick then that could be from being in your house rather than hugging her. We HAVE to get back to normal and soon.

I let ds4 hug my niece who is also 4. They are best friends and they spent an afternoon socially distancing beautifully but when it was time to go home they wanted to have cuddles, sister and i looked at each other and thought why not. Both children have been struggling during lockdown while adhering to the rules and that little thing gave them a bit of joy.

My french neighbour decided, unilaterally, last Saturday to go back to kissing me on both cheeks!
I think OP that your dm knows she's in the wrong. Best to forget it now. I bet your dm would risk anything to hug her dgd. I haven't seen my dgs since January and I can't wait to hug him.

@SoloMummy yes it might be but considering we've otherwise been in strict lockdown it's a worry, my point is your boundaries with your little ones should be respected, it's nothing to be laughed at (as a couple of replies have) when the stakes are so high

I’m not a control freak or a mumzilla (what ever that is )? This was just a unique situation which I never thought I’d be in . I never thought I would ask my mum not to hug her granddaughter and then be upset with her for doing so . I thought I was doing the right thing ,I realise now I should never have had her in the house , but I would like to point out we kept 2 Meters inside and she never touched anything . I thought that would probably be ok but I didn’t feel comfortable with physical Contact and she knew that and she went against that when my back was turned . This is what I have the problem with .

Also like to point out I didn’t make a big deal of it in front of my dd . There was certainly no shouting or anything like that .

If you let your mum in your house then why couldn't she hug DD?

Makes no sense to me to invite her into your home and then not let her hug her grandchild.

If your that worried about the risks then you shouldn't of let her come in at all

There was an outbreak in Singapore, where a couple flew over from Wuhan and went to church. Members of the congregation caught Covid 19, not surprisingly. However, another couple caught the virus, who attended a service in the same church later on the same day - they sat in the same seats as the couple from Wuhan.

So, you broke the rules by letting your DM in the house - and she was still at risk, just by sitting in your house. It's hypocritical to criticise her for breaking your rules, which are not set up for a national crisis.

Because I assumed there was a difference being in the house keeping a distance vs being in the house and actually physically touching.

New guidelines from Saturday make it irrelevant anyway. But as I said it was more about the going behind my back to do it then anything else.