Angry with my mum hugging my daughter

[MilkSweatAndTears]

I’ve barely seen my mum since lock down , she lives 30 mins away. Over the past two weeks I’ve started to go over with my three year old and baby to sit in the garden . Explained to 3 year old about no cuddling right now , she understood . My mum has been badgering me to let her cuddle / have the kids but I’ve been firm. I’m still worried , more for her sake seen as she’s much more at risk Statistically . Anyway I had my mum over to my house today as it was raining she came inside , it was all fine until I went to use the toilet , when I came back my daughter immediately said ‘nanny gave me big hug mummy ‘ I was so upset , mainly because she has no respect for me or my wishes . There has been similar instances in the past although none the same as this obviously. I told my mum that was wrong and I didn’t like to that moment I left the room she did that . Anyway my mum got up in a huff and walked out without saying goodbye . I messaged her my feelings and she’a completely shut down and refuses to apologise or see why wrong doing .

Aibu to be so cross ? I’m mostly hurt to be honest . Really feel she’s betrayed me

YABU

Sorry, one person sat in the same seat later, as the original couple and caught the virus per the Lancet - they didn't recall ever meeting!

I’ve hugged my parents and MiL and so has DS.

It's not about the 'rules' it's about the undermining of OP and doing something the OP asked her mother not to do.

OP's DD was told that she's cannot hug her grandmother at the moment, OP's mother was asked not to hug her granddaughter at the moment, the fact that they had come into the house to get out of the rain is irrelevant. OP's mother should have done as she was asked.

Speaking as a grandmother who has not touched my grandchildren for months, nor any other human being either come to that, as I live on my own, I would not have done this.

It's confusing for the child when she has been told one thing by her mother and then her grandmother just ignores it and does the very thing she (the child) has been told can't happen at the moment, and it show a lack of respect for another adults wishes on the part of the OP's mother in going behind the OP's back like that; just because she's the OP's mother it doesn't mean she can just disregard something when she feels like it.

@MilkSweatAndTears who does your Mom live with?

@pigsDOfly Thank you for understanding. I’m sorry your missing your grandchildren x

I would have been livid with my mum if she'd done that

The question is has your mum been self isolating or has she been recklessly going out, working, etc. If she has been self isolating or very limited in her contact which was socially isolated then she would to have had to had the risky contact with a carrier in the last 2/3 weeks. But you've not seen her and she's on her own. So that's an almost zero risk from her.

Have you been self isolating or have you and the family been going out, working, in contact with others? If not then unless you have done something risky in the last 2 weeks you are zero as well.

2 x zero does not equal risk. Be sensible and know your situation. She's your mum not some random 22 year old who for all you know has been going to illegal parities. She's not a nurse or care worker or working in Tesco is she?

I thought you were great when you commented earlier that you guessed you were BU after all. You asked, and you listened. We are all a bit mad in coronavirus and maybe as part of wanting to be a grown up you want to not feel like your mum can tell you what to do or not do what you want to do, And maybe there's some bad history we don't know about.

Or maybe not - being an adult and having real autonomy is about dealing with people who don't do what you tell them to and who tell you what they think without taking it personally and getting angry. It's about choosing the things that you react to, and saving it for the big stuff like the many dickheads on here that so many women just put up with.

You are free to ignore some opinions and equally part of being strong is being willing to take peoples advice on board. I am possibly the strongest willed woman I know - but I will ask friends things and I will listen. And do it if need be. Even if I don't want to.

So when I see some of the ridiculous comments on here about 'respect' and people getting all wound up about rules that are unclear and illogical without actually looking at the actual risks (elderly people who have self isolated are not a fucking risk. We are the risk for them) I just think it's all a bit pathetic and mean, and petty and tyrannical. And sanctimonious. My god,

Mums are easy to bully because you have all the power with grandkids and they love you unconditionally and there's always something in your childhood because they spent it telling you what to do. But it might be you one day - especially if your dd is watching,

You were BU unless she has been doing risky things in the last 2-3 weeks. Your were NBU if there's a pattern of her behaving badly to you, disregarding you, not loving you etc and that's not changed and she is not interested in you or your feelings.

But hugging her GD against your wishes does not mean shes doing any of that - and if you feel that then YABU and overreacting. Be kind. You have your DD and she is alone. One day you will understand and you don't want to teach your DD that it's ok to cast parents aside - because that's going to be you one day.

I’m so glad that my family are my family and we have the same thoughts on these silly rules.

@MilkSweatAndTears Thank you.

@pigsDOfly I do hope you are ok. We are now allowed to create bubbles I believe of people who have not placed themselves at risk. I did it with a friend at the start of lockdown every weekend we stay at each others .

Sometimes the rules are not the right thing to do, and I think for many they have been cruel. Others can 'understand' all they want but they don't have to live it. Human beings are not designed to live like this and it's really brought out the worst in many people, as well as stressing them out terribly.

I've sailed through it because I know every weekend my self isolating friend and I will be at each other's houses, I will hug her when I see her, we will then pour ourselves a drink, and spend the weekend chatting, etc and then on Sunday afternoon either she or I will go home. But I watch the complete craziness and over reaction around me and think the worlds gone mad. The petty rule keepers are out in force, the angry are more angry and everyone's given up all pretence of being selfless and caring.

Find a bubble. Hug someone. And remember those who made your life more difficult, for the future.

Isn't it more about the going against the OP's wishes rather than the hug?

I would happily let my DS give his grandparents a cuddle but if I specifically asked them not to do something and they did it the moment my back was turned I would be angry!

@Vodkacranberryplease Thank you yes, I'm fine.

No, human beings aren't meant to live like this, it goes completely against human nature but there is so much in life that goes against what makes us comfortable and happy and many people's lives are far from ideal in the normal course of things.

Like a great many older people, most of my life is spent on my own, apart from the dog, you tend to get used to it after a while.

Baubles people do things every day I specifically asked them not to. Your children will, your partner will, your friends will. People I pay actual money to will (& do). Is it a bit irritating. Yes. Very. But actual proper anger? Because someone did somerhing i asked them not to? Hm.

I don't automatically assume it's some kind of undermining power struggle designed specifically to hurt me - and I had years of those so am less trusting and tolerant than many.

@pigsDOfly that's a great shame. Awful in fact. You gave your life to your children and here you are. What a shit world we live in.

@Vodkacranberryplease Well that's life I suppose. I hope I don't come across as feeling sorry for myself because I really don't.

I have my own life, but at the moment anyone who lives on their own is going to be on their own more.

There's nowhere to go and nothing to do for any one really at the moment, with everything shut down; it's pretty dull for everyone.

Sorry but I can't get upset about this.
Your mum is actually more at risk for a start. And you let her in your house and she has probably been really struggling during these times as most of us have. Your child will also have been struggling for interaction from proper other than their immediate family.
Please let her cuddle her granddaughter and don't be angry at her.
I'm in lockdown with family right now and the moment I was able to hand my baby relative to her grandmother (with parents permission) was amazing and I'll cherish the look on grandmas face for a long time.
Family is so important right now, weigh up the risks and then decide if you're really so upset for the right reasons

Sorry but you are being cruel and ridiculous. This is your mum. She took the risk of the hug and on the balance of probabilities none of you have the virus as you’ve all been rigidly isolating. And if she catches it well it was her risk to take. She also could catch it from your door handles ,toilet, arm chair and the air in your home.

She needed the connection and now you’ve made her feel like a leper. Go and apologise and don’t be so nasty.

@MilkSweatAndTears sorry for all the replies you’re getting, of course a huge is far more risky than her being inside. Whatever the rights and wrongs and people’s feelings on the issues, they fact is is that she went behind your back deliberately and your DD knew it was wrong and told you. Praise your daughter for doing that.

Even if to had said you were no longer giving your daughter apples, for whatever reason, your child your rules.

My DM hugged DC (7) today. I felt DH stiffen at the sight but we both stayed quiet as DM's mental health and wellbeing is currently more important than the very low risk of any of us having the virus. DM lost a very close relative last week (non covid and sudden), whom she had stayed away from for months despite his pleas to see her. Now she would do anything to turn back time. Life's too short OP to hold onto such grudges, yes your DM undermined you but it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

@CherryStoneTree yeah daughters amazing. Until her mother, the op is old. And then she treats her like dirt because that's what you do to your mum. What goes around comes around. Teaching your kid to be a spiteful tittle tattle isn't exactly giving her life skills - and she's doing it to her granny. Ugh. You are just awful.

FFS. I could understand this is you'd been worried for your mother, but you seem to think she's going to make your daughter ill. Read up!

@Vodkacranberryplease I hope you were pissed on vodka when you wrote that delightful statement calling the OPs DDs those things.

I 100% stand by my statement, that the OP should tell her daughter she did the right thing. Have you never seen any media or teaching about child abuse? You encourage the child to not keep ANY secrets and tell you if they feel something is wrong, as the child then in later life tells you anything. The child then learns that they don’t knew the difference between keeping a secret from a hug from granny and the abuse from another family member. FFS.

@Tomoveornotomove2

Don’t have her over again, until this ends if she can’t stick to the rules

This! Absolutely.

YANBU

I honestly think this is ridiculous and SD has been taken too far. It’s not normal that we have to drill into small children about SD there comes a point when it becomes more harm than good. I understand why your upset OP but realistically the chance of your daughter giving your mother CV is what?

It’s not impossible I know that but when your mother left she could of got knocked over.

Even if you come into contact with somebody who has CV don’t assume you will get it just like.