To end relationship with DP because he rejected my birthday cake

[Beautifulbirdsong]

Been with DP for 3 years, currently separated due to Covid social distancing. It was his birthday last week, spent the day with his children, I accepted it was difficult due to Covid for me to be involved and he said he wouldn't be able to see me separately (it was a work day too). I thought it would be a nice gesture to handmade a large Guinness cake and drop it round along with my present first thing in the morning, so even though I couldn't physically be there I would still be involved in the day (also regardless of what the children did, you can never have enough cake?!?) . I live on the neighbouring street and messaged that I left it on the wall outside (so it would be a nice surprise). Anyway I got a reply 5 hours later asking me to take the cake and present away and bring it back next time it was just the two of us.

This has really upset me and I think shows quite a lot of how little I really matter to him and I want to know if I am being unreasonable to end a good (pre-covid) relationship because of this.

You're lovely and he's odd.

Even if he wanted to enjoy the cake and present opening just with you he should have taken it inside. Very unkind of him to demand that you come and remove it. Can't be that he's worried he'll catch covid off the cake container otherwise he wouldn't want to accept it later.

What a douche.

Was it a wedding cake OP? 😬

It does seem that you may have felt excluded and then came up with the cake idea in order to insert yourself into his life by doing that

Actually this is fair, because the op says he said no to seeing her but she felt she could still be part of his day by doing this, which is about her and not him.

But it’s irrelevant, who tells someone they’ve been seeing for three years to come take their cake and present back and waits five hours to do so, knowing it’s sitting outside, politeness costs nothing.

As said, my money is on there was a woman there so he didn’t wish to bring it in and get questions. I genuinely can’t think of another reason someone would be quite so rude to someone you’d been in a relationship with for three years.

There is something clearly wrong here.

He’s an ungrateful and rude arsehole. I can think of no acceptable reason for him to behave like this. If someone makes you cake you accept it graciously- no matter what!!

I'm thinking differently to most.

I find it really strange to turn up at a boyfriends house with a cake and present after he had made it quite clear he wasn't seeing you that night and was seeing his kids.

I think it's especially strange in these times when some people are being extremely careful in what they take into their homes.
Of course he's going to ask you to collect it, he doesn't want it, on this occasion and doesn't want it sitting on his wall (for the cat)

He should have said thank you, but please come and collect it, but not to thank you is a bit rude to acknowledge your efforts.

It sounds like you were really well meaning but I suspect he really will have a good reason.

I think he was really rude. I don't know if it is enough to dump him, I guess it depends if this is a one off or if he is often rude. In any case, I wouldn't be taking it back for him later, as he suggested. In fact, after that rudeness, I think I would need some space for a while.

maybe DP is not completely honest with his kids about you?

Has op come back? I need to know why someone would turn down cake!

As said, my money is on there was a woman there so he didn’t wish to bring it in and get questions. I genuinely can’t think of another reason someone would be quite so rude to someone you’d been in a relationship with for three years.

I’m with Bluntness on this

I think this was a lovely way to surprise your partner on his birthday. Why are people giving so much power to his kids here? So what they might have baked a cake too. 2 birthday cakes sounds great to me!

I do think your partner has been incredibly dismissive and hurtful here. Regardless of what cake it was he could have graciously accepted it and put it in the fridge or whatever if he wanted to wait. What a shocking lesson in manners to his kids that you can just leave gifts discarded on the doorstep especially gifts from a loved one.

He is also showing his kids here that you essentially can just be rebuffed just like the cake. Not a good way to blend a family in future.

I'd take the cake back and eat it myself (as well as giving it to others such as family and friends nearby). I'd also make it clear you arent up for saving the cake for later.

You need to get a backbone. If you're this worried about asking him after 3 years your relationship might have bigger issues I'm afraid.

Jesus! I would have replied to stick the cake where the sun doesn’t shines and come and to come and pick up all his belongings left in your house (leave them on your wall)

How humiliating of him to ask you to get the cake back, and what the hell about you intruding in his kids’ time? After 3 years, if you are not family you may better start again with someone else.

If this is the first time, maybe, if this is one of many... bin him.

What an ungrateful twat. No reason he couldn’t have taken it inside and kept it for when he next saw you.

Would be the last cake I made for such a man.

Sorry op completely off topic but I’ve never even heard of Guinness cake! Could I have the recipe please?!

He’s weird.

You’re not weird.

Incompatible.

LTB

I'd like to think I would end it over this, because it was disgustingly rude of him. But we (as people) tend to get dickmatised and accept shit behaviour that we shouldn't.

I hope you at least tell him what a rude arse he is OP. He really could have just taken them in and kept them for when you see each other. Making you come back for them... That was really shitty.

@GiveMeAllTheGin8

Sorry op completely off topic but I’ve never even heard of Guinness cake! Could I have the recipe please?!

Oooh me too!

What a weird and hurtful thing to do. I'd be devastated.

@SecretRedhead Dickmatised!! You've changed my life with that word.

That was exceptionally rude and churlish of him. Not surprised you feel so upset. Who the hell doesn’t even bring a cake inside and messages hours later to ask you to take it back along with his present. That’s just nasty. I don’t know how to interpret it but I’d not spend time trying. Whatever his reason for not accepting these gifts today he handled it in a way that could only make you feel bad and that is an awful thing to do.

Are there any other instances of him behaving badly towards you pre lockdown or is this first time?

Jeez there are some right oddballs on this thread! OP you did nothing wrong, this was a nice gesture on your partners birthday and his behaviour is downright strange.

There’s something really cold and calculated in him leaving your gifts sitting outside for five hours and then requesting that you come fetch and keep them until whenever it suits him to receive them into his home . It’s quite a strong message that he’s not bothered about your efforts or hurting your feelings.

I wonder if there have been other instances when he’s done something hurtful or that made you feel wrong footed and you allowed yourself to believe you were over reacting? I can’t help thinking he’s deliberately keeping you on your toes and you were quite quick imo to accept the POV of posters suggesting you had done something wrong. I don’t mean that in a mean way, I just wonder if you spend a lot of time doubting yourself in this relationship.

Don’t be too quick to tell yourself that Covid isolation is skewing your thinking, maybe your gut instinct is kicking in here and sending you a little warning. Because this isn’t really about cake!

He wanted to do a day with his children and asked to do something another time. You did something anyway... I’d say he’s not being odd or mean, he wanted to spend the day with his children.

Can't believe some 16% think OP Is being unreasonable..but glad the majority think otherwise.
What a hurtful way to behave (partner's behaviour not OP!) I think I might be reassessing the relationship as really his reaction is very odd indeed...

Hi op. I think his behaviour is weird and ungrateful. If my partner of 3 years left a birthday cake for me outside my house, I would appreciate it. It was a lovely thing to do.

Also, Guinness cake is not going to get anyone drunk - I'm sure it's absolutely fine to share with children.

You did a kind thing in making a cake and leaving it, along with a gift, in order to recognise a birthday you couldn't be there in person for. I'd view anyone who told me to come back, collect it and take it away as a thoughtless arsehole but a partner? Sheesh, I'd be telling him where he could stuff his present and hope I'd bought him something wide and sharp.

And only on Mumsnet could a gift cake in which there is baked-off alcohol be deemed inappropriate and interfering...

Strange and embarrassing having to go back and collect the cake. He could have just said Thank you and you would be none the wiser what he did with it.

Either there is someone there who would ask questions like PP said. Or some people have lost their minds with Covid 19 and wont accept any homemade stuff in fear of contamination, are him or his DC like this? Or lastly it could be hes just a rude dickhead.