3 years since he said he would propose, now he gets angry if I bring it up

[WaityKatie89]

Hi

I need some brutally honest advice about my relationship and to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’ve written and rewritten this post so many times, so I’m just going to put the basics out and some background and hopefully you can give me some advice.

I’ve been with my OH for nearly 8 years. We’ve lived together for 5, own a home together and have a cat. He’s my best friend and I love him unconditionally which is why this situation has left me so baffled and to be honest, heartbroken.

About 3 years ago, I decided to end things and during the discussion (completely out of the blue) he told me he was planning on proposing.

Long story short, we stayed together but in the past 3 years nothing has happened - in fact, he now gets angry and annoyed if I try to bring up anything to do with engagements or marriage.

Initially he took me to look at rings as he wanted to propose to me with the “actual ring” but after about 10 months, that stopped and he started to get irritated when I brought it up.

Thinking it was just a bloke thing and that ring shopping isn’t exactly exciting for him. I carried on looking by myself but every idea I put to him was either “too expensive”, “are you sure of that one?”, “what if you change your mind?” etc.

The final straw came when I presented a design to him that was VERY under budget, about 10% of the budget he initially told me. So what did he say when I showed it to him? “It’s too cheap”. I absolutely hit the roof and told him all I wanted to do was be with him and that if that was really his reason for not getting a ring, then he clearly wasn’t serious. Well... he bought the ring, which was delivered 3 weeks later... almost 7 months ago.

It was “hidden” in his sock drawer, where it has remained COMPLETELY unopened (not even the parcel delivery bag has been opened) since.

OH still continues to get angry if I try to bring anything up about weddings etc. I’ve tried to talk to him (calmly, crying, joking) at different times, but every time he just gets angry and irritated and I end up in tears. On the flip side, he also regularly mentions how I will be his fiancé soon?!!

He’s said that he’s “excited on the inside” but because I want to talk about engagements “all the time” that’s what makes him so annoyed and why he gets angry every time.

So, here’s the big question - AIBU? Is there something I’m missing here that’s really obvious to everyone else because I would really like to know.

This whole situation has left me utterly heartbroken, it’s made me feel like the whole idea only came about because I tried to leave him and the subsequent avoidance is because he doesn’t want to. I’ve flat out asked him if this is the case to which he’s said no. I’ve even asked if we can take a proposal off the cards just for now, until this has all coolled down - thinking this might take pressure off him - but he refuses.

I feel so lost and heartbroken. I’ve been with this person for nearly 8 years and this has made me feel like o don’t know him at all. I feel like maybe this is my fault for being too excited and not letting it go? All I know is now that any proposal will be tinged with sadness because of of what has happened.

I really feel for you OP. I think the time has come for a serious for a proper sit down adult chat with him. Dropping hints, coercing etc is not going to get to the bottom of what he is feeling. There is obviously something going on in his head and you are faced with a choice. Either carry on like this for years or have a no holds barred conversation with him where you both speak your truth. The scary part is that you have to be prepared for the outcome.

'Marriage is really important to me and I want to be with you long term. I know we have spoken about this but something feels off to me. Can I ask you to be honest about how you are feeling? This is not any sort of ultimatum. You know how I feel anyway. I am just asking that, based on what you know about me, that you are honest with me'

Something along those lines.

As others have said, once you are officially engaged there are many other ways that a reluctant participant can stall. Money, let's wait until we can have a proper big wedding, why rush? Look you have the ring now let's wait for whatever x y z reason. It certainly doesn't all magically fall into place just because he had proposed.. So it's really important that you know that he is 100% with you on this.

The angst and uncertainty of his feelings are almost certainly a cause of stress for you, so a degree of certainty may in time bring some relief.

Sounds like he wants so keep you, but like so many men dont want to get married.
I dont think he will change and theres no point being with a man who feels hes "forced" to get married.
Honestly, men are such fools!
Find yourself someone who adores you and feels honoured to propose and marry you!

You shouldn't love a man unconditionally op. I don't love my husband unconditionally, I love him as long as he doesn't cheat on me, break my trust, otherwise fuck things up. Not that he would. It isn't unconditional though.

It does not sound like your boyfriend wants to marry you. He only proposed because you were going to break up with him and then he bought the cheapest ring you liked, stuck it in a drawer and ignored it. Hardly the actions of a man who wants to marry you or propose.

Why did you want to break up anyway? Maybe you should think about that again

How old are you both? 8 years is long enough to know someone, but if you met at school and started dating at 14 and are now 22, that's different from meeting at 25 and now 33!

I think you do know if you have what it takes to marry. I know from day 1 that one boyfriend was never going to be a candidate, (he did propose but I said no), and my now DH I knew after 6 weeks. I think it's just not going to happen. It all sounds very begrudged. Like others said, I would give it 2 months of not mentioning, but also you giving it quiet careful consideration. Is this man really a good match, do you talk openly and with mutual respect and consideration? Does he put you first, do you fully trust him in all ways ? These are the things that makes a marriage and need to be carefully evaluated.

Many years ago my father sat me down and told me that the man I was seeing had no intention of marrying me because if he had I'd have seen some sign of it by now. Dear old dad was absolutely right. My husband, on the other hand, proposed within a year, had no problem buying an expensive ring (which I chose), setting the date or going through with a religious service when he was a non-believer. I remember walking up the aisle and him turning around with a huge smile. That was 27 years ago. You want to be that woman walking up the aisle (or whatever) with a man who is just thrilled you're marrying him. Your current partner is not that man - if he does give you the cheap ring, you'll have a very long wait for a wedding. Don't give this manipulative man another second of your time - it just delays you meeting somebody else.

Take the cat and go, if he can buy you out.
Or tell him to go, you keep the cat and buy him out.

Don't put up with this shit any longer.

He doesn't want to marry you. Sorry to be blunt but it is true

He said what he said at the time to stop you leaving, not because he meant it. He gets angry as he is pissed off at himself for saying it because you have not let it go as he hoped you would. He is cosy in your current arrangement and doesn't want to change it.

I think he is stringing you along isnt he? You say you wanted to break up with him 3 years ago ,but he said he was "thinking of proposing" Were you fed up with it then? 5 years,8 years, if someone wanted to marry you they would not wait all this time! I think he has commitment issues TBH He is keeping you" hanging on" as it were .Why did you buy a cheap engagement ring? It smacks of desperation(not the actual ring price as such ,but the fact you bought it!) as if to say to him "here I will take it " I think you know deep down he doesnt want to commit to you .Are you worried about not meeting someone else , or think time is running out for a family together? You need to decide if you want a second best R/L or start afresh with someone new!

Maybe one day he will propose, then the battle of setting a date for wedding will begin.

Agree he has no wish to marry you, sorry. This must all be hard to hear but you will have so much regret down the line if you don’t pull together your self respect now and walk out. No, stride out, head held high and onto your new life without this winging dead weight. When he sees you do that he may well beg you to stay and marry him. Whatever you do, don’t.

He's telling you clear as day he doesn't want to marry you. Either you accept that and tell him you don't need to be married or you leave him. 3 years procrastinating is long enough and it's causing arguments and heartache.

OP, you haven’t done anything wrong. A proposal isn’t something you ‘win’ by being sufficiently cool and laid back about something. It’s a sign that two people want to completely commit to each other and build a properly shared life. If he has spent the last three years avoiding that and keeping you dangling, it’s a sign that it isn’t what he wants.

Maybe he doesn’t believe in marriage at all. Maybe he’s just not sure about marriage to you. Either way, he isn’t being honest with you and despite knowing how important this is to you, he is stringing you along with false promises.

I think it’s time for you to assess whether someone who behaves this way is the person you want to be with. There are men out there who will believe you are worth committing to and who won’t need bullied into it. You deserve that kind of a relationship, not the half-arsed effort you get from your current partner.

What a mess the pair of you have made of this. It’s no longer about a marriage and a life time together, it’s a fight over a proposal and a ring. With you determined to get one and him not happy to make that commitment.

You need to decide how important it is to you but you need to focus on marriage, a life time together and you need to either end it, but not in a way that “if you propose I’ll stay” because the same thing will happen for the wedding. Or you need to decide to stay and not mention it again and let things take their natural course. The alternate option is obviously you propose to him, and it’s either a yes or a no, and if it’s a yes explain you’re getting married in x time frame and then start organising it. If it’s a no then you kmlw.

But right now the pair of you have turned this into a war zone about a proposal and a ring and that’s not what a marriage is about.

I don’t think it is worth a serious sit down discussion or giving him 2 months of saying nothing. With the former, he will persuade you to stay and continue to kick you into submission as he has over the past 3 + years. With the latter, he will be greatly relieved you’ve finally learnt to STFU.

And this is the man you love unconditionally. Crikey. I think you need to pick your self respect up from the floor.

Below is a link to one example of the sunk cost fallacy. Just to be clear, we are pretty much all saying this man is not good for you. He may be a good man or good for someone else but he cannot give you what you want and need. He left the ring in its packaging. This should be shouting at you how he feels. He doesn’t even care if the ring is in the box or not. The purchase of the ring was actually just a sunk cost to him and hush money payment to keep you. If the ring isn’t in the box it doesn’t matter because he paid for it and you should STFU. www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-makes-you-act-stupid.html

His behaviour is cruel. You deserve better OP

Sounds like he’s dangling the possibility of an engagement to keep you from leaving. I would end it. If you’ve waited so long for a proposal how long would he want you to wait to set a date and actually get married?

What a load of bollocks all this 'planning to propose' is. Just set a date for the wedding - if you can't agree on that it's already over.

This is why I'm baffled by the whole concept of planning to get engaged. It seems to me that either you're going to get married, in which case you are engaged - or you aren't. A limbo state where you're engaged to get engaged seems to me utterly pointless, and your problem is that you're actually in a sub-limbo in which he sort of claims he's engaged to get engaged but doesn't even want to bring you into that arrangement.

If you got engaged, you can bet you'd spend the next ten years with him getting into a mood if you so much as mention what sort of flowers you might like for a bouquet, let alone setting a date.

Three years ago you could see no future in this relationship. Realistically, what has changed since then?

Agree Buryit - if you're planning to propose in my book you're already engaged. I don't see the point of being on edge all the time waiting for him to go down on one knee, even when it's clear the man is committed.

OP's man, however, isn't committed other than to his cushy set up.

A good friend of mine offered her partner an ultimatum after she moved over here to be with him and still no proposal. He proposed (with a fantastic ring). For “some reason” he started fights repeatedly over the wedding planning. 2 months before the wedding he called it off.

If he doesn’t want to marry you, he doesn’t want to marry you. Do not open yourself up to this heartbreak.

He is never going to pop the question OP, as hard as that is to say. You sound in a very similar situation to a friend, they were together met at college, brought a flat together, she really wanted marriage & to start a family. We even had a very awkward conversation right in front of him, how she wasn’t going to wait forever, she left him he met someone else on the re-bound and proposed to her within 6 months, but he never married her either, he was a very nasty control freak, both of the women concerned were far better off without him.

He doesn't want to marry you.
He thought telling you he would propose would keep you happy.

You have to decide whether you are genuinely happy with how things will stay.

He probably Hayes the idea that he has to do it under pressure. He wants to do it when he feels it's right for him and that is when he doesn't feel he has to do it. Problem is, he never feels like this because it's always on your mind and bring it up with anger and disappointment.

You need to either forget about marriage and accept you are with him because you love him, not because you desperately want to be married. In all likelihood, if you go to that point, it's when he would proposed.

Or you don't, and might as well break up with him as he might indeed never feel relaxed enough to want to do it.

I agree with the others, he is a future faker. If you get the proposal, you will be subjecting yourself to a repeat performance about the wedding.

Future fakers are not uncommon, I have family and friends that have ended up single parents to children with different names to them whose fathers have virtually no input (particularly financially) in bringing them up.

I also agree that you should never love a partner unconditionally, the conditions are that they treat you with respect and do not take advantage of you.

You are focusing on the proposal / wedding becsuse you are avoiding focusing on who he is.

You dropped your barriers lower and lower so that only the cheapest (therefore the most meaningless) ring would suffice.

If he does propose, your answer should be "That ring is far too cheap. I deserve better" and go off into the sunset to find that better (hopefully with the cat).