3 years since he said he would propose, now he gets angry if I bring it up

[WaityKatie89]

Hi

I need some brutally honest advice about my relationship and to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’ve written and rewritten this post so many times, so I’m just going to put the basics out and some background and hopefully you can give me some advice.

I’ve been with my OH for nearly 8 years. We’ve lived together for 5, own a home together and have a cat. He’s my best friend and I love him unconditionally which is why this situation has left me so baffled and to be honest, heartbroken.

About 3 years ago, I decided to end things and during the discussion (completely out of the blue) he told me he was planning on proposing.

Long story short, we stayed together but in the past 3 years nothing has happened - in fact, he now gets angry and annoyed if I try to bring up anything to do with engagements or marriage.

Initially he took me to look at rings as he wanted to propose to me with the “actual ring” but after about 10 months, that stopped and he started to get irritated when I brought it up.

Thinking it was just a bloke thing and that ring shopping isn’t exactly exciting for him. I carried on looking by myself but every idea I put to him was either “too expensive”, “are you sure of that one?”, “what if you change your mind?” etc.

The final straw came when I presented a design to him that was VERY under budget, about 10% of the budget he initially told me. So what did he say when I showed it to him? “It’s too cheap”. I absolutely hit the roof and told him all I wanted to do was be with him and that if that was really his reason for not getting a ring, then he clearly wasn’t serious. Well... he bought the ring, which was delivered 3 weeks later... almost 7 months ago.

It was “hidden” in his sock drawer, where it has remained COMPLETELY unopened (not even the parcel delivery bag has been opened) since.

OH still continues to get angry if I try to bring anything up about weddings etc. I’ve tried to talk to him (calmly, crying, joking) at different times, but every time he just gets angry and irritated and I end up in tears. On the flip side, he also regularly mentions how I will be his fiancé soon?!!

He’s said that he’s “excited on the inside” but because I want to talk about engagements “all the time” that’s what makes him so annoyed and why he gets angry every time.

So, here’s the big question - AIBU? Is there something I’m missing here that’s really obvious to everyone else because I would really like to know.

This whole situation has left me utterly heartbroken, it’s made me feel like the whole idea only came about because I tried to leave him and the subsequent avoidance is because he doesn’t want to. I’ve flat out asked him if this is the case to which he’s said no. I’ve even asked if we can take a proposal off the cards just for now, until this has all coolled down - thinking this might take pressure off him - but he refuses.

I feel so lost and heartbroken. I’ve been with this person for nearly 8 years and this has made me feel like o don’t know him at all. I feel like maybe this is my fault for being too excited and not letting it go? All I know is now that any proposal will be tinged with sadness because of of what has happened.

You have been played.

He was never going to propose. He said that so you wouldn’t leave.

One day, when he finds the person he does want to marry, he will leave you.

He bought the cheap ring because it’s cheaper than selling the house and breaking up and be doesn’t want to be alone.

When you break up with him again he will produce the eing. But you’ll then repeat the whole sorry saga with trying to book a date...

Is that clear enough?

So sorry to be blunt but it’s obviously not a happy ever after!

He might not want to marry you, OP, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. However, he might be anxious about what you expect of him and of marriage.

What DO you expect? What does HE expect? Have the two of you discussed this calmly, without threats or tears?

I ask because I was once in your DP's position. My XH and I had a four-year engagement. I'd said yes immediately when he proposed, because he was the love of my life. But once we'd bought a home together, I had concerns that he refused to discuss with me. I saw marriage as an alliance of equals; he saw it as "an institution". ("But I don't want to be in an institution," I said, Seinfeld-style.) His parents wanted me to change my surname, find a less demanding job and be a nice little servant-wife. There were many other, unspoken expectations from XH and his family that were not made clear to me, and I became their "difficult" "bohemian" scapegoat. I pushed back, but it became so exhausting to fight all the time.

I married him, hoping that would end his tears and tantrums. But it was a disaster.

OP, I second what PPs are suggesting: Say nothing for the next two months, then calmly open the discussion again. Be honest about what you want. No tears, no threats. Invite him to be honest, too. Ask him what thinks marriage should be about, and whether the two of you have what it takes. This might end in an honest, happy marriage or with your parting ways. Even the latter is better than a terrible divorce down the track. I know; I've been through that, too.

Good luck.

Your boyfriend is stringing you along, destroying your self worth, and then blaming you for it. He doesn't love you the same way you love him. It you can accept all that he has done to you, all the lies and broken promises, then stay. If you can't, sell the house and find someone who actually likes you. None of this mess is your fault.

No!

If someone really wants to marry you they say “Will you marry me?” Either they offer a ring or suggest how to choose one. The discussion then rapidly moves on to “When and where “.

My husband proposed in bed (no ring), my friend proposed with a joke ring (subsequently restyled into a lovely one), in both cases weddings were within six months.

All this nonsense about the right time for a proposal is fluffery. It means they don’t really want to get married, they’re just stringing you along.

Cut your losses, you’re a “for now”.

Give yourself a chance for a “forever “.

No you are not BU.

He is using this to control you. He will probably never propose, but he has you hanging on him doing so, so as you proved before (3yrs ago when you stayed on the promise of a ring) he can say what he likes, and you will just wait...

But you are wasting your time.

"it’s made me feel like the whole idea only came about because I tried to leave him and the subsequent avoidance is because he doesn’t want to."
And your feelings are correct . Sorry, but he is stringing you along. And you are also right that "any proposal will be tinged with sadness because of of what has happened" - and frankly so would actual marriage (although we both know that neither is going to happen).

It's time to break up. And not be deflected by whatever he says in response - I'm pretty certain he'd continue future faking. Get the house on the market and move on. Whilst you stay with him, you have no chance of meeting the man who will love and cherish you, and not lie to you as this man is doing.

Sorry op but your being taken for a fool he doesn’t want to marry you if he did he would’ve proposed by now. He’s just using it as a way to string you along. Cut your loses now sell the house find some dignity and self respect and move on instead of letting this dick head take you for a ride for the rest of your life. I can guarantee that he will marry the next woman that he meets.

He doesn't want to get married op, sorry. Even if he does propose (once he realises you'll end it likely) he will then drag his feet on the actual wedding etc. Please cut your losses and move on.

If he really wanted to propose he would have done it by now. If you say you’re leaving he’ll probably get the ring out and do it there and then. Not because he wants to get married but because it’s too comfy and an upheaval to change things. He’ll think it will keep you quiet but if you bring up setting a date,it will start all over again. You’re wasting your time. If he was to spontaneously propose now you’ll always wonder if it was just to keep you quiet. No marriage will work if you go into it feeling insecure. I’m really sorry but be with someone who truly adores you and not someone who is just settling for you. You’re worth far more

You deserve someone who really truly wants to marry you, not someone who has been nagged into it. That is no way to start a lifelong partnership.

As someone else said, when you tell him it’s over he will probably propose. But if you say yes, you’ll be back to square one except this time he’ll get mad every time you try to talk about the wedding.

You deserve more than this.

He bought a ring (not willingly), buried it in his sock drawer and he didn’t even open the parcel outer packaging.....
That screams to me he doesn’t want to see the ring as it’s the reality of getting married. Which he doesn’t want.

Don’t waste your life having a carrot dangled in front of you.

He doesn’t want to marry you.
Harsh but true. It really is as simple as that.

Btw Op, if you leave him, don’t be surprised if he finds someone else and marries them within two years. I have seen this happen countless times.

I have a friend who always dreamed of getting married and having a family - it was so important to her. She met a fellow who wasn't so keen on either and he never asked her......14 yrs later they are a childless unmarried couple and she is too old to have kids. Now there is nothing wrong with this per se, they appear to have a committed relationship and such but that he loves her enough to be with her for 14 yrs yet hasn't fulfilled for her that simple dream of getting married. Well, I've always thought less of him tbh.

Not wanting to get married is one thing but manipulating you, toying with your emotions, showing you so little kindness and consideration around the topic. Those seem like red flags.

Sorry OP. It’s one thing to live with someone day to day, like spending time with them, generally have a comfortable life. It’s a-whole-nother level when you realise this is IT- this is what I want FOREVER, I love this person so much I want to declare to the world that I want to do this every day for the rest of my life. He’s just not there. He may not be consciously thinking it, he’s probably happy and comfortable and presumably enjoys your company and your sex life, but deep down he ISN’T sure it’s forever. There’s a part of him that’s waiting for something else. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. If you say you’re leaving, I guarantee he’ll grab the ring and propose. Please don’t fall for that. It never feels like it when you’re in a long term relationship, but you CAN meet someone else who wants all the things you do- and you can look back on this in 10 years and think- thank GOD I didn’t commit to him.

I stopped reading when you say you love him "unconditionally." What that means is you will tolerate any kind of abuse, no matter how egregious, and cleary that's true and he knows it. He has been playing you for a fool for years. How much more of your life are you willing to waste?

He likes the convenience of your relationship. He likes the power that the prospect of an engagement gives him over you.

He gets angry because he doesnt want that power threatened.

To keep the convenience he might make the proposal but then will prevaricate over the wedding (too big, too small, wrong time of year, too close to the cat's birthday).

Who knows why he is like this. Quite frankly if he wont explain the who cares?

Sell the house, decide who keeps the cat and move on.

That cheap ring will be on some other woman’s finger within a year of you leaving him. Lucky her.
He is getting in the way of the man who truly loves and respects you, and who wants to build a life with you. Get him out of the way and make room for that special man and that happiness.
This is no way to live

This aside, are you happy together? Will sticking with him through his uncertainty jeapordise other important goals you have (e.g. having kids)? Remember you are not powerless; only you can know if you are happier with him or without him, and if you realise his behaviour is making you too unhappy you can and should move on...

My husband and I have been so very happily married for 8 years with 3 kids. We've been together much longer and I wanted to get married about 6 years before he did. He did always tell me he wasn't ready and I knew he was generally a 'grass is greener' worrier type. I found an engagement ring tucked in a drawer and had about a year of discussions about why he hadn't actially given it to me. Every day I needed to ask myself if I would be happier long term if this was how our relationship continued or whether I could be happier alone. Eventually he did ask me - once he had worked through everything in his head. When he did ask he was 100% sure, he wanted to get married as soon as possible ('why wait?'!) and he even now reflects that marriage to me is the best thing ever and he wishes he'd been ready years earlier.

I've been married twice, and have had two wonderful husbands. Neither of them ever "proposed" with a ring on bended knee - both times we just knew we wanted to be together and we talked about it. This idea that the man has to make a big proposal is alien to me.

This man is dangling a promise in front of you, and you've been chasing after him for 8 years while he backs away. Sell up and take the cat - start living your own life.

3 years ago he stopped you from leaving him by dangling a proposal in front of you, now it's all he has. If he proposed tomorrow and you went full steam ahead with the wedding, would the things that made you want to leave disappear op? I suspect not. It seems like the expectation of a magical proposal and wedding are keeping you with him. Might it be time to move on? He clearly doesn't want to get married.

Could he not be hiding it away until there’s a special occasion/trip? Has there been any travel during lockdown that was cancelled? My OH bought mine 12 months before he proposed, he always knew he’d want to propose in Germany so had to wait for our annual trip to roll around.

Could also be that he’s left it in the packaging so you’re not snooping.

Why did you want to end the relationship the first time? Only you know him truly and whether you think his efforts are sincere or to string you along.

Why so much emphasis on a ring and engagement? These things don't matter to many people.
Either he wants to be married to you or he doesn't.
So could you just ask him 'Do you want to marry me?'
If he says Yes, name the date you'd like to get married and go from there ( but remember it's the marriage that's important and not necessarily the wedding)
If he ( bravely) says No, you have your answer and then need to decide whether just being with this man without marriage is enough
My DB was exactly the same with his gf 40 years ago. They never married but have remained together, share a lovely house and three children and now Grandchildren. They are the most stable couple I know. I don't know many people in my circle or family who are still with the person they first married.....

Sorry OP. You haven't replied and I appreciate the answers here must be stinging.

But I agree with everyone else; he doesn't want to marry you. I'm amazed you've stuck it out for the past 3 years. You said you were ready to split with him then, why wait any more?

You deserve someone who wants to be as committed as you want to be. This isn't him.

He doesn't want to marry you. Even if you threaten to break up with him and he proposes to you off the back of that, he's not actually going to marry you. He'll just buy himself a few more years and waste a few more of yours. He'll get huffy when you try to set a date or make firm plans for the wedding. He'll ask what the rush is, say enjoy being engaged.

Eventually he will find someone he actually wants to marry and leave you for them. He's just buying time.

Leave him.