3 years since he said he would propose, now he gets angry if I bring it up

[WaityKatie89]

Hi

I need some brutally honest advice about my relationship and to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’ve written and rewritten this post so many times, so I’m just going to put the basics out and some background and hopefully you can give me some advice.

I’ve been with my OH for nearly 8 years. We’ve lived together for 5, own a home together and have a cat. He’s my best friend and I love him unconditionally which is why this situation has left me so baffled and to be honest, heartbroken.

About 3 years ago, I decided to end things and during the discussion (completely out of the blue) he told me he was planning on proposing.

Long story short, we stayed together but in the past 3 years nothing has happened - in fact, he now gets angry and annoyed if I try to bring up anything to do with engagements or marriage.

Initially he took me to look at rings as he wanted to propose to me with the “actual ring” but after about 10 months, that stopped and he started to get irritated when I brought it up.

Thinking it was just a bloke thing and that ring shopping isn’t exactly exciting for him. I carried on looking by myself but every idea I put to him was either “too expensive”, “are you sure of that one?”, “what if you change your mind?” etc.

The final straw came when I presented a design to him that was VERY under budget, about 10% of the budget he initially told me. So what did he say when I showed it to him? “It’s too cheap”. I absolutely hit the roof and told him all I wanted to do was be with him and that if that was really his reason for not getting a ring, then he clearly wasn’t serious. Well... he bought the ring, which was delivered 3 weeks later... almost 7 months ago.

It was “hidden” in his sock drawer, where it has remained COMPLETELY unopened (not even the parcel delivery bag has been opened) since.

OH still continues to get angry if I try to bring anything up about weddings etc. I’ve tried to talk to him (calmly, crying, joking) at different times, but every time he just gets angry and irritated and I end up in tears. On the flip side, he also regularly mentions how I will be his fiancé soon?!!

He’s said that he’s “excited on the inside” but because I want to talk about engagements “all the time” that’s what makes him so annoyed and why he gets angry every time.

So, here’s the big question - AIBU? Is there something I’m missing here that’s really obvious to everyone else because I would really like to know.

This whole situation has left me utterly heartbroken, it’s made me feel like the whole idea only came about because I tried to leave him and the subsequent avoidance is because he doesn’t want to. I’ve flat out asked him if this is the case to which he’s said no. I’ve even asked if we can take a proposal off the cards just for now, until this has all coolled down - thinking this might take pressure off him - but he refuses.

I feel so lost and heartbroken. I’ve been with this person for nearly 8 years and this has made me feel like o don’t know him at all. I feel like maybe this is my fault for being too excited and not letting it go? All I know is now that any proposal will be tinged with sadness because of of what has happened.

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option

Bloody hell OP he can't make it any clearer that he doesn't want to marry you.

If you want marriage and the whole shebang just bloody leave him. You're plenty young enough to quickly find someone else.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. He doesn't want to marry you, he's just keeping that carrot dangling enough so you don't end the relationship and have to sell the house and upend his life.

You deserve better than this carrot dangler. Don't get caught up in 8 years of sunk costs, life was lived during that time, but it's quite obvious he does not want to pop the question.

Sorry, OP - another one who thinks he just doesn't want to marry you.

I'd also be wary of the engagement/proposal thing. Engagement really means nothing. I never felt that I was sure I'd be married until I'd signed the register. Until that point, it's really just talk.

My DH was engaged for five years before he met me. They got engaged quite quickly and he spent most of the relationship regretting it. He and I were engaged within 18 months, married a year after, and our DD was born nearly two years after our wedding. I didn't get a romantic proposal; we were sitting on the sofa talking about having children and how we wanted to be married first. So we decided to get married! And we did.

You’re giving him to the end of the year? You’re a doormat, you’ll be back on here in another 12 months. Open your eyes and stop wasting your life.

I’m then going to totally shut up about it and give it to the end of the year. If by then nothing has happened than I’m selling up and taking the cat!

Please don't waste more of your life on him. His lack of actions have told you all you need to know. Now. He doesn't want to marry you. Sorry.

@CowsGoBaaaaa

You’re giving him to the end of the year? You’re a doormat, you’ll be back on here in another 12 months. Open your eyes and stop wasting your life.

Blunt but true. You have one life, why are you wasting it. In these situations it isn’t just the man’s fault and using phrases like ‘egg wasters’ for those men is pathetic. The women are every bit as responsible for their own lives and they have chosen to waste their own eggs waiting around. No one is forcing you to stay with this bloke, he doesn’t want to marry you and has made that clear. Now you are solely responsible for the consequences on your own life.

I'm then going to totally shut up about it and give it to the end of the year. If by then nothing has happened than I’m selling up and taking the cat!
@WaityKatie89, why give him until the end of the year? Does he have a gold-plated dick? He's had 8 years. Nothing will change, he just doesn't want to merry you.

Been with my partner almost 12 years. Still waiting. If I went on constantly I think it would put him off asking. Although I'm not sure his ever going to get round to it.

@TriciaH, bloody hell, that's really sad. Why can't you talk honestly to your partner of 12 years about marriage? Do you want to marry? You sound very passive.

If he loved you and did want to marry you at some point in the forseeable future, why wouldn't he do the thing that will make you happy and quell your anxiety about the relationship - i.e. get engaged and make public the status of the relationship?

I think you know he's not committed, OP. There are thousands of men who really are looking for what you want - I know 4 lovely ones in my very small social circle, all 27 - 34. They are out there: Leave your reluctant and apathetic partner and go find one while you still have loads of eggs in your ovaries!

@tenlittlecygnets he knows my views on it. We have talked about it and have even decided on some details. It's more we have had bigger priorities. I have been focused on getting our son diagnosed with ASD. Plus he has a heart condition eating disorder ADHD and major communication issues. Then we were saving for a house as wanted to get the house before getting married. Now we have done those things. Neither of us are going anywhere so no need to rush. With two children and a mortgage we're already tied together marriage will come soon enough. But he does know that my best friend gets married in 3 years and if they get married which will be after 5 years before us I will kill him and Bury him in the back garden. Lol

OP, I was in the exact same position than you albeit it was 12 months, not a year. He proposed when I'd given up and truly believe it wouldn't happen. Once he proposed, it's him who was keen to get on with adage as soon as possible. We had a brilliant wedding which he was very much involved in setting up. We've been married for many years.

Saying that, I don't how I would have felt after 3 years.

Leave now.
Do not give him another minute of yr time

Tell him Coronavirus has made you reassess what's important to you in life, and how none of us really know what tomorrow might bring. Tell him you've realised he doesn't want to get married because the ring is IN HIS FUCKING SOCK DRAWER - and actually that's fine, because you don't have time to waste.

Agree with this from @IsMiseMorag - but spend a bit of time first organising yourself. You'll need to steel yourself. Find somewhere to live, get sorted, and then tell him the above and that you're actually going because you're done. Don't stick around to be talked down by 'I love you but I'm just not ready and you're being impatient' guff.

I see you are 28 OP.
Glad you are only 28.

What you need to do is to get turned off. You can do better.

Totally agree with advice to sort yrslf out, extricate yourself, be able to stepout, move on.

He's stringing you along. He's wasting your time. Tell him it's over and I'd put money on a repeat of the previous scenario... followed quickly by a return to the status quo of him dicking you about.

Leave. Sell the house. Take the cat.

He's waiting for a better option to come along. He thinks he can do better, but you sort of meet the basic requirements for the time being, as long as you don't get ideas above your station like wanting marriage or children.

He is unfortunately, the guy who will, if slung out, promptly meet somebody else and be married with a couple of kids as soon as possible. Or if he goes along with having a baby, will leave within the first 9 months and take up with some easily impressed 22 year old.

Stick him in the recycling.

@managedmis

This is a bit rich isn't it, Katie?

Almost 500 people tell you you to cut your losses but you meekly say you'll give him to the end of the year anyway?

Chapter and verse, we've seen it on here before.
You'll be together another 5 years, he'll still not marry you, you'll split up, he'll get married to a woman 10 years younger within a year. It's the bloody script.

She doesn't have to do what anyone tells her too, it is her life.

I do think this is an example of someone asking for advice and just not wanting to listen to that almost unanimous advice because the choice to leave him now just seems too difficult.

I once briefly dated a man who had divorced saying he never wanted to get married but was told if we don't marry I'm leaving...because he didnt have a better offer and was happy "enough" he married. But he felt rssentful and all the reasons he hadn't propsed himself wore them down and eventually he left anyway!

Agree with the posters who said that he thinks that he can do better. A man will propose ( quite quickly) or at least make it clear that he wants to marry you if he feels that you are’ The One’.
My dh talked about marrying me within three months . We were only 22 and 23 at the time.
Op , your dp doesn’t think that you are ‘The One’. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but you need to swallow it and find someone who wants to marry you.

How are you @WaityKatie89??

Agree. Men do want to get married. Most of them. And if they want to marry YOU, they won't risk fucking it up.

Different when you are older or divorced/separated with a child,(ren)
I also dated a divorced man who told me on like date 3 that he was never getting married again. "Not to me, you're certainly not". He was taken aback. I ended it a while later.

If you want to get married ask him to marry you. Waiting for 7 months for a proposal that probably won’t come it ridiculous. Ask him to marry you and at least then you know. Stop letting him treat you like this.