3 years since he said he would propose, now he gets angry if I bring it up

[WaityKatie89]

Hi

I need some brutally honest advice about my relationship and to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’ve written and rewritten this post so many times, so I’m just going to put the basics out and some background and hopefully you can give me some advice.

I’ve been with my OH for nearly 8 years. We’ve lived together for 5, own a home together and have a cat. He’s my best friend and I love him unconditionally which is why this situation has left me so baffled and to be honest, heartbroken.

About 3 years ago, I decided to end things and during the discussion (completely out of the blue) he told me he was planning on proposing.

Long story short, we stayed together but in the past 3 years nothing has happened - in fact, he now gets angry and annoyed if I try to bring up anything to do with engagements or marriage.

Initially he took me to look at rings as he wanted to propose to me with the “actual ring” but after about 10 months, that stopped and he started to get irritated when I brought it up.

Thinking it was just a bloke thing and that ring shopping isn’t exactly exciting for him. I carried on looking by myself but every idea I put to him was either “too expensive”, “are you sure of that one?”, “what if you change your mind?” etc.

The final straw came when I presented a design to him that was VERY under budget, about 10% of the budget he initially told me. So what did he say when I showed it to him? “It’s too cheap”. I absolutely hit the roof and told him all I wanted to do was be with him and that if that was really his reason for not getting a ring, then he clearly wasn’t serious. Well... he bought the ring, which was delivered 3 weeks later... almost 7 months ago.

It was “hidden” in his sock drawer, where it has remained COMPLETELY unopened (not even the parcel delivery bag has been opened) since.

OH still continues to get angry if I try to bring anything up about weddings etc. I’ve tried to talk to him (calmly, crying, joking) at different times, but every time he just gets angry and irritated and I end up in tears. On the flip side, he also regularly mentions how I will be his fiancé soon?!!

He’s said that he’s “excited on the inside” but because I want to talk about engagements “all the time” that’s what makes him so annoyed and why he gets angry every time.

So, here’s the big question - AIBU? Is there something I’m missing here that’s really obvious to everyone else because I would really like to know.

This whole situation has left me utterly heartbroken, it’s made me feel like the whole idea only came about because I tried to leave him and the subsequent avoidance is because he doesn’t want to. I’ve flat out asked him if this is the case to which he’s said no. I’ve even asked if we can take a proposal off the cards just for now, until this has all coolled down - thinking this might take pressure off him - but he refuses.

I feel so lost and heartbroken. I’ve been with this person for nearly 8 years and this has made me feel like o don’t know him at all. I feel like maybe this is my fault for being too excited and not letting it go? All I know is now that any proposal will be tinged with sadness because of of what has happened.

I'm more intrigued as to why you stayed with him when you wanted to split up? What was that about?
He sounds dishonest and manipulative. Not traits you want in a partner, married or not.

i know someone in this situation-well actually worse he gave her the ring proposed and ten years later theyre still not married

keeps saying they cant afford it except he spends money on holidays cars etc-shes completely deluded that he'll do it

its never going to happen cut your losses

As everyone else has said, he doesn't want to get married and 3 years ago...he said it so you'd stay.

He likes the things as they are...if you have a child he'll never marry you.

His actions tell you all you need to know. 5 years was long enough before his nonsensical proposal...now you're the one whose had to push for the ring.

I'd tell him his actions indicate he doesn't want to get married and you don't want him to feel coerced into it, so you're ending it.

If you finally do get married..i can see him flinging it at you in an argument. "I never wanted to get married, but you kept pushing and pushing, so I caved"

You know how he feels..it's just hard to admit.

He doesn't want to marry you.

Do you really want a huffy half arsed proposal from him? You should be with someone who would give anything to marry you. Someone who can't wait to propose and be married.

So you get a proposal out of him. Then what? First it'll be excuse after excuse about how you can't afford a wedding right now. Then it'll no doubt be delayed because he wants to wait until such and such happens. The delays will go on and on.

Hang on. You definitely sound like you have been going on and on about proposals, rings etc etc.

If you want to get married to him, then propose to him. It’s 2020. You don’t need to wait for him to make the move. Just propose and get on with it.

And if he turns you down then so be it. But stop with this waiting game where he has to make all the decisions. You are a grown up. You act.

I'm sorry OP but I don't think he wants to marry you either. If you think that he's just finding the right time then you could wait 2-3 months, in case he does propose.

Even then though, as someone said earlier- he might do the same when it comes to actually planning and setting a date for a wedding. Surely if he loved you, he would propose and not object to you bringing it up.

Why do you want to marry a man like him? He sounds horrible.

He’s stringing you along making you ‘work’ for it and eroding your self-worth.

Why were you leaving him 3 years ago?

And you shouldn’t love any partner unconditionally - that leaves you open to mistreatment and poor decision making.

He doesn’t love you very much - if he did he’d be honest with you.

I know I’m repeating myself but WHY do you want to marry him?

My husband collected the ring he got for me and met me from work and shoved it on my finger. The idea it would’ve been in his drawer for months is unthinkable.

My friend really really wanted to marry her boyfriend. She pushed, he proposed, and then backed out two weeks before the wedding.
It caused so many troubles for the family.
Learn from her sad tale, OP.

If marriage is so important, then isn't it equally as important to marry someone who wants it too?

G'luck

He's had more than enough opportunity to propose. But he hasn't because he doesn't want to. He's stringing you along because his life is currently pretty comfortable with you... but he doesn't think its a forever relationship. Which is why he's just keeping the status quo, dangling promises of marriage to keep you hanging on, but not actually carrying out his promises despite a ton of opportunity.

He's wasting your time. Stop letting him.

How can you marry someone who a. Doesn’t want to marry you and b. Behaves like this over a significant issue. If he behaves like this over children, and/or once you have children it will be a complete nightmare.

You know what's wasting your time? Staying with this person. You are incompatible. Don't you think you deserve better than someone who doesn't want the same fundamental things you want in life? Why would you want to be married someone who doesn't really want that?

Don't fall for the fallacy of sunken costs, the only thing you have to lose here is more time.

Find another place to live, tell him it's over, the house needs to be sold, and WALK AWAY. Don't listen to more promises at all. He's shown you, his word is not his bond in any way. It's just a stalling string along tactic to keep you sweet so life's easy for him. That's a pretty shitty thing to do to someone. That's not love.

Don’t waste another eight years OP. If he loved you he would care how you feel, he obviously doesn’t.

It wasn’t as long a relationship but I lived with a man who was only ever full of ‘maybes’, and couldn’t seem to make his mind up.

I cut my losses and left him. It was hard to do but a couple of months later I met my now husband and my ex has a new long term girlfriend he is stringing along.

He had unresolved childhood trauma and I think he couldn’t imagine himself as a husband and a father and the role change/responsibilities they bring.

I’m going to buck the trend a bit - is it possible he’s anxious? Sounds a bit like he’s stuck in an emotional eddy of wanting to do something but not able to bring himself to do it. Is he a bit of a perfectionist OP? Might he be feeling under pressure to make the perfect proposal / have the perfect wedding?,songe’s putting it off? Is there anything else about a wedding that might make him anxious? Is he socially outgoing? Are the family dynamics OK? He might not recognise himself that he’s falling into using avoidance tactics.

Does this sound likely? Just thinking about other possibilities xx

Future fakers are fundamentally really selfish. Love is respect. So when you love someone in a mature and unselfish fashion, you show them respect and when you realise that they want something fundamental in life that you don't, that you are not on the same page, you cut them loose rather than future faking them to keep them hanging on, wasting their time. That's a cruel thing to do.

Plan your future goals and let him know what these are (marriage, children, work, travel etc). Put these plans to him and he can decide if he wants to join your journey or not.

If he’s serious he will step up and join you. If not, cut your losses now.

I had similar, and I found it really difficult to move on and make plans with the ongoing uncertainty - especially when he was the one who initiated the marriage idea!

My then-DP, actually proposed but never got around to giving me a ring or wanted to plan a wedding for 2 years after the proposal. I felt grabby and desperate every time I mentioned it. I was also ashamed and confused.

Like you, marriage was DP’s idea not mine. I wasn’t fussed about it but I did let myself get excited when he did the romantic grand surprise proposal. And I told family and friends about it and they were so happy for us.

When I told him I was focussing on moving forward to create a life without him he panicked and bought me a ring. But the damage was done for me. It wasn’t about him not wanting to get married, it was about him not caring about my feelings.

100% stringling you along! He does not want to commit to you but also doesn't want you to move on, he is making excuses, knowing you will just keep hanging! I've seen a friend being led on to a point of even considering having kids, when the guy could not commit to marrying her! He eventually left her....and she wasted all her best years and is now still single and at an age where she might struggle to concieve.

So please don't waste any more time! It will take you time to get over him and then when you meet somone new you will need time to get to know them. Many years will pass. I feel like you might be going round in circles in your mind, selling the fact that you have invested 8 years into this relationship.

If you REALLY want to know how he feels. Genuinely leave him, move out, cut him off! If he is "the one" he will chase after you. You need to break up with him for more than a few weeks. Really do it and if it's meant to be it will be.

I'm not sure how old you are but as women we do have that thing called a body clock. Don't let him waste yours! Also, if this is so hard, can you imagine how tough life's other decisions will be with him??? He is not a responsible man. Please leave, you deserve better!!!! Just have faith and courage.

Lots of love xxxx

This is how I see it,
You were going to break up, and he just said the proposing thing as a way to get you to stay, he didn’t actually mean it.
Since then,
You’ve essentially proposed to him, repeatedly and he’s been saying no through his actions.
At this point, even if he does propose it will be because you’ve nagged him so much he’ll just do it to stop you leaving him.
This is important, because you need to understand he does not want to marry you. He hates the idea of it. So if you want marriage, you need to leave him and find a person who does want to marry you.
But realise, when you go to break up with him, he will probably propose right then on the spot. He’ll run upstairs, get the ring, and with tears in his eyes he’ll say he’d do anything for you.
But listen, he still won’t want to marry you. He’ll just be doing that to stop you leaving.
Then you can expect that you’d need to threaten to leave and be serious many more times before an actual wedding happens if ever. Do you have that many years to waste on dragging a man who doesn’t want to marry to the altar?

Another one saying he doesn't want to marry you, sorry.

I've been married twice. On both occasions I have felt that marrying that man was the only natural, logical step - I didn't have a plan B.

He clearly doesn't feel that way about you, and the whole thing has become an emotive issue instead of a beautiful emotional experience.

If you really love him, you'll give him the freedom he clearly prefers, and say goodbye.

And if you love yourself, you'll find someone who sees no reason to play games with your heart, but can't wait to put a ring on your finger because he simply wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

I’m sorry if he wanted to marry you you’d be either engaged or married. Walk out it’s done.

I've been engaged. Marriage never happened. Cut your losses and move on.

I am so hurt my ex (after years of being engaged to me) so quickly got engaged and married to someone else after we split.

He wasn't honest about not wanting to marry me. All my friends were getting married, we went to all their weddings and he knew that's what I wanted eventually. He was stringing me along.

I think you probably know the truth in your heart of hearts. He doesn’t want to marry you, but he’s comfortable for now and doesn’t want to break up - at least not at the moment. He’s keeping his options open. Let’s face it, if he really wanted to marry you, knowing how strongly you feel about it, he’d have proposed by now. I’m also curious why you wanted to break up 3 years ago. You must have had your reasons at the time. Maybe time to re-evaluate them in the light of the fact that he’s clearly stringing you along with the promise of something that will probably never materialise.

It feels like you’re madly in love with him but I’m not getting the sense it’s quite reciprocated in the same way.

Why did you try and leave him?
Do you want children and how willing is he to plan for that?
You seem quite focussed on rings and proposals and weddings.
You feel like you don’t know him as well as you thought? I would trust your instincts. Sorry if it’s painful to read all these replies. You sound like a genuine person who just wants to be happy. Good luck