3 years since he said he would propose, now he gets angry if I bring it up

[WaityKatie89]

Hi

I need some brutally honest advice about my relationship and to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’ve written and rewritten this post so many times, so I’m just going to put the basics out and some background and hopefully you can give me some advice.

I’ve been with my OH for nearly 8 years. We’ve lived together for 5, own a home together and have a cat. He’s my best friend and I love him unconditionally which is why this situation has left me so baffled and to be honest, heartbroken.

About 3 years ago, I decided to end things and during the discussion (completely out of the blue) he told me he was planning on proposing.

Long story short, we stayed together but in the past 3 years nothing has happened - in fact, he now gets angry and annoyed if I try to bring up anything to do with engagements or marriage.

Initially he took me to look at rings as he wanted to propose to me with the “actual ring” but after about 10 months, that stopped and he started to get irritated when I brought it up.

Thinking it was just a bloke thing and that ring shopping isn’t exactly exciting for him. I carried on looking by myself but every idea I put to him was either “too expensive”, “are you sure of that one?”, “what if you change your mind?” etc.

The final straw came when I presented a design to him that was VERY under budget, about 10% of the budget he initially told me. So what did he say when I showed it to him? “It’s too cheap”. I absolutely hit the roof and told him all I wanted to do was be with him and that if that was really his reason for not getting a ring, then he clearly wasn’t serious. Well... he bought the ring, which was delivered 3 weeks later... almost 7 months ago.

It was “hidden” in his sock drawer, where it has remained COMPLETELY unopened (not even the parcel delivery bag has been opened) since.

OH still continues to get angry if I try to bring anything up about weddings etc. I’ve tried to talk to him (calmly, crying, joking) at different times, but every time he just gets angry and irritated and I end up in tears. On the flip side, he also regularly mentions how I will be his fiancé soon?!!

He’s said that he’s “excited on the inside” but because I want to talk about engagements “all the time” that’s what makes him so annoyed and why he gets angry every time.

So, here’s the big question - AIBU? Is there something I’m missing here that’s really obvious to everyone else because I would really like to know.

This whole situation has left me utterly heartbroken, it’s made me feel like the whole idea only came about because I tried to leave him and the subsequent avoidance is because he doesn’t want to. I’ve flat out asked him if this is the case to which he’s said no. I’ve even asked if we can take a proposal off the cards just for now, until this has all coolled down - thinking this might take pressure off him - but he refuses.

I feel so lost and heartbroken. I’ve been with this person for nearly 8 years and this has made me feel like o don’t know him at all. I feel like maybe this is my fault for being too excited and not letting it go? All I know is now that any proposal will be tinged with sadness because of of what has happened.

He may as well rent a plane and write "I don't want to marry you" in sky writing.

If it's important to you, end it and find someone who wants the same. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who strung me along and got angry when I raised something perfectly reasonable.

The reason i said to tell him she had booked the wedding was for her benefit, she doesn’t seem to see what everyone else does, she still thinks its her fault he has not proposed etc

I know so many guys who spent all their 20s with a girlfriend that they never wanted to propose to, and were scared of commitment. They break up, meet another woman and propose to her within a year because it just "feels right". If he wanted to marry you, he would have done it already. I would cut your losses and move on, you can't wait around forever - what is going to change in the next few months/years compared to the last 8?

I was quite clear right from the beginning with my husband that marriage was important and I wanted to be married within a few years, before buying a house, and he was on exactly the same page. If he wasn't I would have ended it, seeing as "attitudes to commitment" are a pretty important compatibility factor. No-one should have to demean themselves to beg for a proposal when their partner doesn't want it - there are billions of men out there, many of whom would be thrilled to propose to you.

I suppose I should not be surprised to see "pack your bag and go" advice on here. If its anything to go by any other threads the first thing you hear is this exact advice. My husband expressed concern about how we will cope with another child - answer "be prepared to be a single parent" my family has an opinion about something different to mine - answer" cut them off" you get the gist.Its seems like every relationships are worthless to so many people.

I just wanted to offer a different point of view. Based on him not proposing is impossible to judge what the relationship is like. I also met my now husband when I was young, but we had it the other way round. I was so scared of the whole wedding ceremony, having to declare our love in front of so many people. I declined on many occasions (I know poor hubby) and every time the subject cropped up I felt a bound of anxiety. And I loved him and do 20 years later very much. But the right moment for me came after 13 years together, with a very intimate ceremony. So I think what I am trying to say is that he could love you very much OP, but there will be reasons why he is finding it difficult to propose, plus he might very well intend to. And as long as you both feel your future is together, it does not matter when you marry. Have an honest conversation about how it makes you feel and see how he feels. Good luck!

@AnneLovesGilbert nope not traditional. More that we have had other priorities like getting our son diagnosed and saving for the house deposit. Now that's done it will come. I would have asked him in the past if we had been sorted sooner but now that it's been 12 years. I'm at the point of if it happens it happens. I have friends who have met married and divorced in that time. We are still together. After this long I'm too stubborn to ask him now but his always said once we do get engaged he wants to be married within a year. Now I am in full time work since kids are older we can actually afford to do so in that time frame. He had booked us to go to the Shard this summer on my birthday but I'm guessing that might not happen now.

Actually I think the OP proposing will backfire, because then he’ll go off on one about how she’s ruined it and he wanted it to be perfect etc etc, so now he won’t be able to do it and it will all be the OP’s fault.

Ah so you relayed a story that is completely irrelevant to the Op given you also do not want to get engaged and married @TriciaH

Why play games @Bellabatwings ? He has made it blindingly obvious. We need to stop this notion that women need to play men to get what they want or to prove something.
He doesn't want to marry her. She needs to face that if she wants to be happy. Not mess around.

And as long as you both feel your future is together, it does not matter when you marry

It matters to the OP and thats all thats important here because its HER relationship. If it didnt matter to you then great but it clearly DOES matter to the OP and thats perfectly reasonable. Maybe she doesnt want to wait 13 years- alot of people wouldnt and it doesnt make them wrong or unreasonable. Just because you did xyz doesnt mean other people would be happy doing the same. The OP is clearly very very upset about this and I think its really dismissive and minimising to all her "well I waited 13 years" and imply she should too. She doesnt want to.

@Bestexoticmarigoldhotel not at all the first thing I pointed out was that she has a choice stay and accept it may not happen, or she can set herself a deadline and if it's not happened by that time decide its time to leave. You cannot force someone into marriage.

Well, he’s played games with her for years so fuck it, she might finally accept he does not want to get married!

This isn't a bloke thing, it's a dishonest person thing.

He doesn't want to get married. He threw in the proposal to shut you up because he wanted to keep his live-in girlfriend. But he doesn't want to commit financially to a wife!

I bet he wants kids. He'll want his surname on them, to keep working while your career takes the hit... and to still not be married, just in case.

Make plans to leave, really. He's stringing you along. And he knows full well that the longer you stay, the more invested you are if you want a baby and that if you want it enough, you'll have his baby without the protection of marriage because you'll run out of time.

TriciaH

Been with my partner almost 12 years. Still waiting. If I went on constantly I think it would put him off asking. Although I'm not sure his ever going to get round to it.

OP, this will sound harsh, and I really am sorry, but have you considered that this relationship has run its course - and he knows it too?

In my 20s I remember a friend telling me that his GF had given him a ultimatum: they either had to get married or split up. At the time I thought it was bizarre that a relationship could be simultaneously good enough for marriage, or effectively over. With the benefit of hindsight I understand exactly how: you can care about someone, like them a lot, even still fancy them - but know that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with them. And if you REALLY care about that person, you find the courage to be honest, so they can go out and find someone who does. Do you think you - or your DP - are maybe at that point?

As soon as that ring goes on your finger, he's got a much harder conversation to start. But if he wanted to marry you, it would be there already. Be honest with yourself - you don't need a 'reason' to end a relationship other than 'this isn't making me happy anymore.'

28 is make or break time.

If you leave this year, you have a year or two to heal and then a few years to find someone who wants what you do.

If you get engaged because he doesn’t want to break up, you could look at another 3 years and then excuses about children will come up. If you break up after 34/5 then meeting someone and having kids will be almost impossible.

If you are happy to stay unmarried and without kids, because you love him more than you want those, then that’s an absolutely valid life choice. But be prepared for the fact that that is what you will have.

Don’t believe him on the kids from FYI. He’s likely just saying it to placate you. Have you talked about childcare decisions and other mundane stuff like that? (Ie not just the romantic stuff like naming them and picking paint colours for the room) how does he respond to those kinds of grown up convos? If he shuts those down and gets angry, then he’s lying about wanting dc. If he takes the convos seriously ( raising worries or concerns as well as rose tinted thoughts) but calmly and thoughtfully, then he does likely see having dc in his future.

He sounds commitment phobic and unlikely to ever want marriage or kids

He knows that getting married is important to you, but has shown he doesn’t want to.
It is demeaning to feel you have to keep asking and demonstrates that he holds the power in your relationship.
Seriously, don’t waste any more time with him.
I’m another one who predicts if you split, he’ll marry someone else within a year.

People always say 'Why don't you propose?' on these threads. Just don't. Why? Because he's already shown you, over and over and over again, that he doesn't want to marry you.

From a male perspective he already has what he needs, a home & a girlfriend.
So he doesn't "need" to get married

However, if you want children, you are probably better off being married. Especially, if you stop working to look after children. It provides better financial security

Do you both want children ?

What I was trying to say is that how can we assume he does not want to marry her? Could he be experiencing anxieties about proposal or the wedding? And my example was not about waiting for many years. My suggestion is to open up about their feelings or possible anxieties to each other. He might get to understand how OP feels and she might discover what is holding him back. None of us can measure the love they have from a post. This hesitation can mean anything how ever long it went on for!
To an outsider my hesitation could have been interpreted in a way that it wasn't. That's all

Sorry I haven't got time to read all the replies so don't know if this has been said, but after my (now-ex-husband) and I had initially discussed getting married and knew we were both on the same page, he wanted the engagement to be a 'surprise'. ie: He wanted me to shut up about it and go back to normal life so he could plan something special and it wouldn't always be on my mind. In the end, he did indeed end up proposing a couple of months before he'd planned to (he wanted to do it during a trip to Disney, but Christmas came first and apparently he felt pressured).

That said, it sounds like he's had plenty long enough to plan something in 3 years; unless he you have been bringing it up every couple of weeks?

OP I nagged my DH to get married, he really didn't want to but I pushed and pushed and he is essentially a very weak man so gave in to my demands. We have a miserable marriage, we are not fundamentally compatible, I suspect he knew this but I wanted the marriage and family and he went along with it for an 'easy life'.

We're both now trapped in an awful relationship, but neither is prepared to take the financial hit, nor the emotional impact on our young DC to walk away.

Don't be me .

it was so important to her. She met a fellow who wasn't so keen on either and he never asked her......14 yrs later they are a childless unmarried couple and she is too old to have kids.

I have countless mates for whom this has also been the case, or in many instances, they break up when she's in her 40s and within a year he's married to a younger woman and she's pregnant and he becomes Mr Family Man. But you know something? No decision is still a decision, as my mother always told me. If you let someone decide your future for you, then you had just as much part in that as the other party. You have to love yourself first before anyone else can.

I'd use two months to plot where I was going to go.

I second what others here have said OP.
For the sake of your own dignity, walk away.
A friend of mine was in an identical situation, after around 8 years of waiting for him to act on his initial proposal, she walked away.
Within six months, he was living with someone else, within twelve months he had got married.
Stop feeding his ego and walk away with your head held high.

But you know something? No decision is still a decision, as my mother always told me. If you let someone decide your future for you, then you had just as much part in that as the other party

Yes exactly - a bit pathetic that women call these men "egg wasters" when they had just as much of a part to play in wasting their best years. If someone wants to propose to you they will do it within a few years, if you wait years and years and do the "pick me dance" you are only mugging yourself off at the end of the day. If marriage is not important to you that's absolutely fine, but if it is, why would you not make it known right at the beginning of your relationship? It should be something you put on the table right at the start - just like your views on politics, religion, morals, etc. You would want to know if someone is homophobic/racist quite soon after meeting them, so why on earth are people spending 10 years with somebody only to then find out they don't want to marry them?

Also, quite often the bloke has no problem with marriage itself, he just doesn't want to marry you but can't face actually saying that to your face.