3 years since he said he would propose, now he gets angry if I bring it up

[WaityKatie89]

Hi

I need some brutally honest advice about my relationship and to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’ve written and rewritten this post so many times, so I’m just going to put the basics out and some background and hopefully you can give me some advice.

I’ve been with my OH for nearly 8 years. We’ve lived together for 5, own a home together and have a cat. He’s my best friend and I love him unconditionally which is why this situation has left me so baffled and to be honest, heartbroken.

About 3 years ago, I decided to end things and during the discussion (completely out of the blue) he told me he was planning on proposing.

Long story short, we stayed together but in the past 3 years nothing has happened - in fact, he now gets angry and annoyed if I try to bring up anything to do with engagements or marriage.

Initially he took me to look at rings as he wanted to propose to me with the “actual ring” but after about 10 months, that stopped and he started to get irritated when I brought it up.

Thinking it was just a bloke thing and that ring shopping isn’t exactly exciting for him. I carried on looking by myself but every idea I put to him was either “too expensive”, “are you sure of that one?”, “what if you change your mind?” etc.

The final straw came when I presented a design to him that was VERY under budget, about 10% of the budget he initially told me. So what did he say when I showed it to him? “It’s too cheap”. I absolutely hit the roof and told him all I wanted to do was be with him and that if that was really his reason for not getting a ring, then he clearly wasn’t serious. Well... he bought the ring, which was delivered 3 weeks later... almost 7 months ago.

It was “hidden” in his sock drawer, where it has remained COMPLETELY unopened (not even the parcel delivery bag has been opened) since.

OH still continues to get angry if I try to bring anything up about weddings etc. I’ve tried to talk to him (calmly, crying, joking) at different times, but every time he just gets angry and irritated and I end up in tears. On the flip side, he also regularly mentions how I will be his fiancé soon?!!

He’s said that he’s “excited on the inside” but because I want to talk about engagements “all the time” that’s what makes him so annoyed and why he gets angry every time.

So, here’s the big question - AIBU? Is there something I’m missing here that’s really obvious to everyone else because I would really like to know.

This whole situation has left me utterly heartbroken, it’s made me feel like the whole idea only came about because I tried to leave him and the subsequent avoidance is because he doesn’t want to. I’ve flat out asked him if this is the case to which he’s said no. I’ve even asked if we can take a proposal off the cards just for now, until this has all coolled down - thinking this might take pressure off him - but he refuses.

I feel so lost and heartbroken. I’ve been with this person for nearly 8 years and this has made me feel like o don’t know him at all. I feel like maybe this is my fault for being too excited and not letting it go? All I know is now that any proposal will be tinged with sadness because of of what has happened.

Joining the general chorus - he doesn’t want to get married. This must be tough reading OP, I hope you’re ok.

I had my own version of this, an ex who told me over and over that he wanted to move in together, just it was never right now. He was always trying to save some money, there was never the “right” place available, his mum needed him - yeah he was living with mum and in piles of debt at 45, a real catch this one. (Mum was fine and couldn’t wait for him to get out the house.) He eventually cheated on me, I found out and dumped him. He moved out with the person he cheated with in a matter of months. As a previous poster said, people find a way to do what they want to do - if they’re not doing something, there’s always a reason.

@WaityKatie89
You are 31. Why are you waiting? He is happy stringing you along, living in a house while you 'wait' for him to produce a ring. He will then string it out for maybe 3 or 4 years while you get older and less lightly to go off with someone else yada yada yada

Please go back to the parents and find someone who loves you because he doesn't

I mean, leaving someone during a global health crisis wont be shits and giggles but...seriously, don’t hang in too long. You are a good age to start again.

You’ve settled down with someone who may not have intended to settle down with you, at 20 lots of couples live together without thinking “this is the one” now suddenly it’s 8 years later as there are decisions to be made. Make the right one.

Leave him. He won’t change. If you do decide to give it to the end of the year then for the love of God double up on contraception.

Well i think u need to establish why he doesn’t want to get married first. Is he against it or does he just not want to marry you?

It must be hard to leave someone just because they won’t marry you...because it’s very black and white...and now if u ever do get married how can u ever feel it’s right when he’s dragged his feet so long?!

I don’t think it’s looking good...I suspect you’ll either just stay with him and feel depressed and u loved or you’ll meet someone else eventually or he will.... it’s a shame :(

I have just read your replys, but I think maybe you should write it all down, refine it, so it is full of facts not emotions.
Maybe something like this
Darling we have lived together for a long time, you know I love you and want my future to be with you but your actions and refusal be discuss anything makes me feel that there is some reason you are not willing to properly commit to us.
This uncertainty leaves me confused as to what and when you see us progressing.
I want an engagement ring and a date set for the wedding, it does not have to be a grand affair, but this is important in my life plan.
I want to have children in wedlock, to grow old with you, please either talk to me or if you find that hard you come up with written a plan for us.

You love him unconditionally, but were going to break up with him. He tells you he's planning on proposing, so you stay with him...
I stopped reading after that. 🤦🤦🤦🤦🤯🤯🤯

Please leave this horrible man. He is never going to marry you and is too much of a coward to say so. It's usually because they are holding out for someone they are deluded enough to think is "better" but he is stringing you along in the meantime. You are demeaning yourself by staying with this man. Go and mean it.

So you were so unhappy in your relationship that you wanted to break up and then the only thing that changed was that he announced he was going to propose, have I understood this right? Now this far down the line the lack of engagement is the only issue? I'm not really following tbh. Even if he does eventually trouble himself enough to give you the ring (which he will if/when you tell him you want to break up again) the issues run way deeper than that. He doesn't respect you enough to even discuss this when you couldn't be any clearer how much it means to you before we even get near the reasons why he hasn't proposed yet. The resulting marriage if there is one eventually will not be a happy one, cut your losses

OP.
If you've not commented anymore because you don't want to hear this negativity and you want to stay in the relationship because you 'love' him. Then fine. You do you. Your life has zero influence on any of us and your unhappiness doesn't affect us.
But you will be unhappy. You have one life. Don't fall into the sunk cost fallacy.

He will never be the committed life partner you want.
He may one day propose. Yay 🙄.
Then you'll have to fight for the wedding. Maybe you will marry. Because every bride wants to know she had to drag a man to the alter.

If you have kids with him do you really think he will be your equal? Do you think he will make your life easy?
He's shown you who he is. He's shown you what he thinks of you. Now you need to decide what you think of yourself.

Ah well.
One day you will be stood here where we are. Advising another person. Having gone through what you have. Just as many of us have. Either had it done to us or done it to someone else, or seen it happen to someone else.
And you’ll feel the same frustration. No shame at all OP I guess we have to be allowed to learn by our own mistakes.

Just beware of this:
what I will say is he works very hard to make sure everything is right and can get in his own head about things.

There’s not one single thing you’ve said about him that sounds good. Not one single thing.
Wishing you luck, love and light.

Please please do not apologise to him! What are you sorry for, wanting to have a future with him? Sorry for wanting to know where your relationship is going? There is NOTHING wrong with that, OP.

Don't make excuses for him. His reasons for not proposing to you have nothing to do with anxiety or perfectionism. He can see how upset this makes you, but he doesn't care enough about you to take action on this, either by proposing or ending the relationship. He does not deserve your time.

OP he’s just a bit of a dick and it’s not a good situation for you.

Stop cow-towing to this person who cares less about you than you do about him.

I was in almost the exact same position ...together 13 yrs in total, presented with a ring on xmas day with a card "to my fiance". I wasnt ofgicially asked.
we had been together for 5 years at that point.
we had 2 children too and I really wanted the same surname as them all...
I wanted a day to celerbrate our love....
Fast forward 6 yrs, it was quite clear there was no intention of marroage.
I felt upset about this for so long, whats the point in "proposing".
Inevitably, we split up a few years ago, not because of the non marriage but , Id say it played a part.

The crappy excuse of " A piece of paper wont change how much I love you" , was a really shitty sentence too .

Good luck

@ItsNotAGameOfSubbuteoMatthew

I'm pleased you're going to talk to him about this.

A possible way to frame the conversation could be:

When you (e.g brush off my attempts to talk about getting engaged)
It makes me feel (e.g. sad that we don't have a future together)
So can you (e.g. tell me if you see us together in 10 years time with children)
So that I (e.g. can be sure I'm in the right relationship with the right person)
Can you do that for me?

And if he can't, I say this kindly, please don't wait till the end of the year. End it as soon as you hear that he can't commit to a future with you.

And he’ll just do what he did three years ago. He’ll tell her what she wants to hear in answer to every one of these questions.

Not sure about the logic of giving him to the end of the year. You are setting a secret deadline that will only get more and more stressful as the end of the year approaches.
And even if he does propose now, you'll never know his real motives.
It shouldn't be this hard.
Time to move on to relationship where your partner can't believe his luck that he's found someone as amazing as you.

As someone who has been through something freakishly similar, I hope I can offer some perspective.

I was with my (now) husband for 5 years when we went through an awful time of lots of fighting, crying and nagging on my part because he wouldn't propose.

Similarly to you, I decided to give him until the end of the year and decided that I wouldn't mention it anymore, but every time someone was getting married on tv for example, my eyes immediately got wet and I couldn't help it. On New Year's Eve, I had given up hope and was ready to end things when he proposed.

We have now been married for 3 years. I love him to bits and we are very happy. But until my dying breath I will have a voice in the back of my head that says he didn't want to marry me and I forced him to. Also after the proposal I dragged my feet for a long time with planning the wedding and couldn't voice why. I now understand that the wedding felt tainted, ruined, before it had even happened. I will never look back at it with the same bliss other brides do with theirs, no matter how beautiful or romantic it was, it didn't seem real and maybe it never will.

In hindsight, would I have married him again? In a heartbeat. But I never would have begged someone to propose who clearly didn't want to be married to me. In that one year, I lost so much self-respect that I still hate myself for it.

So please consider that even in the best case scenario where: he proposes, he seems genuine, you actually get married, you have a long and happy marriage, you might end up feeling the same way as I do. Make sure that that's something you are ready to live with.

No decision is still a decision. Let me put this plainly. I was married before, back and forth, counselling, it was the question of children. He was older than I, 34. He said no, but also at that time said he loved me such as that it would be wrong of him, who was then 30, to deny me that and that if we remained together I would grow to hate him so we should divorce and sell the house. I can't tell how much that truth hurt! It was SO painful! I loved that man past the end of my life and felt he'd make a brilliant father, he wouldn't have, because he did not want children.

But that is what someone who truly loves you does, says we are not on the same page, we are incompatible so we must part.

See the difference?

And this wasn't even anyone I'd dragged up an aisle.

I was 31 when DH and I married and he was 24. We started dating and at my age I made it clear, I wanted marriage and children. It's not been an easy road, but you know what? He was the first to say let's go and get this done, let's get married. No big proposals or rings and flash, let's get married.

You want to waste you time, it's entirely your lookout. This person doesn't want to marry you. There are far worse things in the world.

This is a bit rich isn't it, Katie?

Almost 500 people tell you you to cut your losses but you meekly say you'll give him to the end of the year anyway?

Chapter and verse, we've seen it on here before.
You'll be together another 5 years, he'll still not marry you, you'll split up, he'll get married to a woman 10 years younger within a year. It's the bloody script.

WHY do you want to get married, though? What's the reasoning?

He's not going to do it, I got engaged and after 14 years of waiting was unceremoniously kicked out when he got up one day and announced "I can't do this any more"

I still don't know what "this" is but I do know I should have walked after a year, next one gets a year to put a ring on it and a year to seal the deal - any longer than that it is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN

Agree with everyone else. He gets “angry” a lot, is he the same in making other decisions or just this? Imagine what he’d be like if you want children. Time to start a new chapter in your life, sorry OP.

You have wasted enough time with this man. He knows you want marriage and then possibly a family. Yet he strung you along for the past 3 years telling you he will propose. Your no further on than you were 3 years ago. At this stage I would tell him it's over and that you want to sell the house you currently own with him. Tell him you not willing to wait any longer because it obvious he does not want to marry you. I would not be willing to stay any longer in a relationship that's going no where.

It not easy to end a long relationship but you need to do this because you want a marriage and perhaps a family and meanwhile he thinks you just sit their waiting for him to grow up.
You deserve so much more than he is willing to give you.

If I wanted kids, at 28 I wouldn't be willing to waste another second on him. He's taken enough of your life.

OP, if you are being honest, you aren't really confused, are you? I think his actions are quite clear, even if his words are not. Apparently, his life is perfectly easy and comfortable, and he can carry on as he likes without any possible obligations, entanglements, or commitments. Which is not what you want.