3 years since he said he would propose, now he gets angry if I bring it up

[WaityKatie89]

Hi

I need some brutally honest advice about my relationship and to know if I’m being unreasonable.

I’ve written and rewritten this post so many times, so I’m just going to put the basics out and some background and hopefully you can give me some advice.

I’ve been with my OH for nearly 8 years. We’ve lived together for 5, own a home together and have a cat. He’s my best friend and I love him unconditionally which is why this situation has left me so baffled and to be honest, heartbroken.

About 3 years ago, I decided to end things and during the discussion (completely out of the blue) he told me he was planning on proposing.

Long story short, we stayed together but in the past 3 years nothing has happened - in fact, he now gets angry and annoyed if I try to bring up anything to do with engagements or marriage.

Initially he took me to look at rings as he wanted to propose to me with the “actual ring” but after about 10 months, that stopped and he started to get irritated when I brought it up.

Thinking it was just a bloke thing and that ring shopping isn’t exactly exciting for him. I carried on looking by myself but every idea I put to him was either “too expensive”, “are you sure of that one?”, “what if you change your mind?” etc.

The final straw came when I presented a design to him that was VERY under budget, about 10% of the budget he initially told me. So what did he say when I showed it to him? “It’s too cheap”. I absolutely hit the roof and told him all I wanted to do was be with him and that if that was really his reason for not getting a ring, then he clearly wasn’t serious. Well... he bought the ring, which was delivered 3 weeks later... almost 7 months ago.

It was “hidden” in his sock drawer, where it has remained COMPLETELY unopened (not even the parcel delivery bag has been opened) since.

OH still continues to get angry if I try to bring anything up about weddings etc. I’ve tried to talk to him (calmly, crying, joking) at different times, but every time he just gets angry and irritated and I end up in tears. On the flip side, he also regularly mentions how I will be his fiancé soon?!!

He’s said that he’s “excited on the inside” but because I want to talk about engagements “all the time” that’s what makes him so annoyed and why he gets angry every time.

So, here’s the big question - AIBU? Is there something I’m missing here that’s really obvious to everyone else because I would really like to know.

This whole situation has left me utterly heartbroken, it’s made me feel like the whole idea only came about because I tried to leave him and the subsequent avoidance is because he doesn’t want to. I’ve flat out asked him if this is the case to which he’s said no. I’ve even asked if we can take a proposal off the cards just for now, until this has all coolled down - thinking this might take pressure off him - but he refuses.

I feel so lost and heartbroken. I’ve been with this person for nearly 8 years and this has made me feel like o don’t know him at all. I feel like maybe this is my fault for being too excited and not letting it go? All I know is now that any proposal will be tinged with sadness because of of what has happened.

OMG. Who are these men who think they can dangle a “proposal” like a carrot in front of a woman’s nose. A proposal is supposed to be a means to an end ie marriage. Let’s not even go there with why anyone thinks it is only a man’s prerogative to propose. Ask this charming specimen if he wants to marry you or not. If he dares to get angry (at what?) then cut your losses and get out.

When put under pressure he has already claimed to want to get married then went to comedic lengths to block it.

Not even comedic lengths to block the marriage yet. They have not even got that far. Comedic lengths to block any statement to the outside world that maybe they might get married in a year or two.

no dont apologise you havent done anything

"Someone asked if my partner was prone to anxiousness and perfectionism and the answer is yes. I don’t want to give too many details away, but what I will say is he works very hard to make sure everything is right and can get in his own head about things."

Sorry OP, but this contradicts something you posted earlier, namely

"Well... he bought the ring, which was delivered 3 weeks later... almost 7 months ago. It was “hidden” in his sock drawer, where it has remained COMPLETELY unopened (not even the parcel delivery bag has been opened) since."

A perfectionist would have examined the ring immediately to ensure that it exactly matched what they had ordered. Ditto an anxious person. He didn't bother. I would suggest that any examples of him being perfectionist/anxious will probably relate to YOUR behaviour. He will insist on you being perfect, not himself.

You say he's not controlling. I think he is, he's just not doing it in the same way as previous partners have. He's controlled you into staying, and into thinking this is all somehow your fault. He's done a number on you, for sure.

You're 28. I didn't even meet my husband (of 20+ years) until I was 30. Free yourself and move on, find a nice man who will make you happy - this man never will.

And please, don't even think about having children with him.

I’m 28
So you've been with him from the age of 20. You were pretty young when you got together. You have plenty of time to find someone else who is a better match and wants the same things as you.

I don’t have children but it is something we have discussed and he has said he wants DC
You only have his word for that and don't have kids without him without being married.

I tried to end things years ago as I didn’t feel like I was being appreciated in the relationship and as we had never really discussed futures at that point, I didn’t think we had one... until he mentioned a proposal
And your instinct was right and he still doesn't appreciate you.

@TriciaH you think if you go on about it constantly it would put him off asking..... as opposed to what? It’s been 12 years and he hasn’t asked you so clearly he doesn’t want to marry you whether you mention it or not.

Glad to hear you're considering ending it but I don't understand why you'd give it til the end of the year. You've given it three years.

Think of it this way and try to answer this question:

Why do you really, really want to marry someone when they really, really don't want to marry you?

If he proposes he is only doing it because you want him to. Not because he wants to.

I don't know why but every bloke I know who has done this to friends of mine has ended up marrying someone else very soon after breaking up with the one they wouldn't get engaged to. Not even with crossover, I think they sometimes realise the previous relationship was unhealthy so the next one seems even better than it is and they can't wait to marry the next person.

I note you've been with him for all of your twenties and have had abusive relationships in the past, which would mean in your teens as you got with him at 20.

That means you've not been single for any of your adult life. It would be so valuable for you to have that time to be single and emotionally self sufficient. So, so valuable.

You don't know who you are as an adult outside of either abusive relationships or this one. Can you see that?

Been with my partner almost 12 years. Still waiting. If I went on constantly I think it would put him off asking.

Not sure whether to laugh or cry at this @TriciaH

12 years? 12 YEARS and you don’t want to bring it up in case the poor lamb feels rushed?

Let me guess, you’re really traditional and have to wait

Mark my words, he'll propose, most likely when you try to leave. Then all this dicking about will transfer to setting a date. Then when he can't wheedle out of that, it'll be caterers or venues or outfits or flowers or picking a bestman. He doesn't want to get married. He'd of done it by now if he did. Don't wait another 6 months. Take the cat and get rid of the man.

to be asked but you’re already living together?

And OMG do not get pregnant.

To me he sounds scared of the whole engagement, wedding, expense, work involved.

Someone who has made a life with you for 8 years is committed to the relationship.

Have you suggested a quiet civil ceremony, just to make it legal and protect your financial position?

Point out to him how precarious your situation is as unmarried.

If he still digs his heels in despite a totally no fuss ceremony, then either see a solicitor to tie things up legally and forget marriage or tell him you are moving on.

Oh, OP. If he proposes before the end of the year you still won't be married by 2025. And by then you might have gone part time to look after your child, and will be completely screwed if he decides to leave. Do think about whether or not this guy would ever commit to a date/venue.

@WaityKatie89 One simple question : It’s 2020, not 1950. You are the one who is so desperate to get married, so why don’t you take control of the situation and propose to him?

If he says, yes, set an agreed date and crack on with wedding planning. If he says no, end the relationship immediately and move on.

I think pinktaxi is right - he has been with you 8 years so seems committed, and he may be scared of the whole thing.

I don't think you should 'discuss' further. You've already said it all.

I would propose to him. If he says yes, set the date, stick to it. If he says no - the relationship is over simply because you want different things and you don't need to wait to see if he changes/adapts to what you want. Cat carrier, suitcases, leave.

I'm sorry,

I would calmly give him an ultimatum that you feel comfortable with and stick to it. Say it once then leave it alone. If he doesn't propose then you leave. Please dont waste anymore years of your life on this. If he wants to stay together he will propose. Good luck.

If he proposes soon would you feel that he had done it cos he wants to marry you? Or because he felt pressured into it? I think you would doubt his reasons and it wouldn’t feel genuine.
If he does propose, he will have just bought himself more time to stall an actual wedding date. There will be bullshitting about wanting to save more money, wanting it to be special enough to etc all to avoid getting on and doing it.
If getting married is non-negotiable for you I think you will be wasting more time if you stay. Either discuss setting a date with him (no need to wait for a proposal) or move on.

Someone who has made a life with you for 8 years is committed to the relationship.

Unfortunately that's very naive. I've known a lot of men to stay because it's what works for them. Not because they love the partner.

Wtf is he playing at. I'm sorry you deserve much better than this.

Oh God. Tell him Coronavirus has made you reassess what's important to you in life, and how none of us really know what tomorrow might bring. Tell him you've realised he doesn't want to get married because the ring is IN HIS FUCKING SOCK DRAWER - and actually that's fine, because you don't have time to waste.

Then pack a bag and go. I'm willing to bet at least one of your friends (disclaimer: I have been that friend, and I have also been you) will be secretly relieved that you've grasped the nettle.

Coronavirus will give him ample opportunity to delay any wedding plans until everyone is Covid free/out of isolation/able to fly/hotels are open/all wedding cars are electric. But this isn't about arranging a wedding, is it?

What would you apologise for? It's been three bloody years! Why are you going to give him another 6 months? He doesn't deserve another day.

Tell him you have booked the wedding for next year, he doesn’t need to worry about anything as you have taken care of it all.
Then u’l know for sure how he feels!

Why would she Bella? Getting married isn't the issue here anymore. He's treated her appallingly and there was clearly reason to end this 3 years ago. The only conversation needed is "its over" surely?

Yes. Because the last 8 years haven't made it blindingly obvious how he feels.
Let's make it physically, financially and emotionally difficult to leave.

@Bestexoticmarigoldhotel actually we have spoke about it several times but decided that saving towards a mortgage deposit was our priority to get on the housing ladder as we have two children. Paying 750 a month to a landlord compared to a mortgage at about 550. That extra 200 a month would go a long way. His friend and wife had been together 15 years when they got engaged and were married last summer. It's not that we don't intend to it's family life. Like I have been focused on our son and pushing for his medical diagnosis for the past 8 years fighting the system because we know his autistic as do school but the gp didn't want to listen. Now we have just bought the house so it's something we will talk about soon enough. My partner is like me in that if I'm nagged to do something even if I intended to I won't do it because you keep going on. We like to do things in our own time.