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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants daughter to sleep in her own room

160 replies

WingingItThroughMumLife · 09/06/2020 14:11

DH has come home from work today and demanded we are putting our DD (9months) in her own room because he's not getting enough sex (Hmm)

I don't feel ready to do this as I suffer with CFS/ME so if I don't get enough sleep I can't function. I also BF so I do all the nighttime wake up calls and have her in my bed for about 25% of the night but she sleeps most of the night between 8 and 8 I rarely struggle to settle her she just sometimes will wake up when I try to move her back to her bed!

So DH wants her in her own room starting tonight which means I will be trying to settle her in there and it will reduce my sleep and hers which will make us both cranky.

So AIBU (or selfish) for keeping her in with us until we reduce night feeds?

OP posts:
My0My · 10/06/2020 08:00

Can baby not have night feeds at 9 months old? Mine didn’t. I think a feed before bed and then in cot with a routine for bedtime.

Your DH has been blunt but he’s unhappy isn’t he? I have experience of this as mine found other women. Depends what you want to risk really. Men are selfish but perhaps you could both work through these difficulties and getting a baby to sleep all night.

pointythings · 10/06/2020 08:13

My0My so because your baby didn't need night feeds at 9 months, OP's baby doesn't either? Well, that's scientific.

FWIW I had one who slept through 10 till 7 from 10 weeks old and one who didn't sleep though and needed two night feeds until nearly a year old. Same parents, different kids. And my second would drain both sides in 10 minutes flat so don't tell me that wasn't hunger. They're all different.

Throw in CFS/ME as a complication and OP's OH is a knob. Your veiled insinuations that he will find someone else if she doesn't give in are pretty awful.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 10/06/2020 08:16

he wants sex, you don't - that'd be rape if you don't consent
how large is child's room? you should both move in there
in your position I certainly wouldn't want to be anywhere near the twat, let alone in the same beroom

Velvian · 10/06/2020 08:22

The real worry is who has been giving the DH such shit and rapey advice and why was he so keen to lap it up?

Mittens030869 · 10/06/2020 09:02

* The real worry is who has been giving the DH such shit and rapey advice and why was he so keen to lap it up?*

Unfortunately, he’s just showing his true colours. There are far more men with that attitude towards women than we like to believe.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 10/06/2020 09:06

Can baby not have night feeds at 9 months old? Mine didn’t. I think a feed before bed and then in cot with a routine for bedtime.

I had one that was still night feeding at 18months (and still having a morning feed at 3 - and often having a midnight snack of real food until he was 4 because he just got hungry), and one that gave up at 8 (and gave up entirely a couple of months later - he preferred real food). Different kids are different.

Megatron · 10/06/2020 09:32

@My0My I don't understand the relevance of your baby not having night feeds at 9 months old? Do you mean that the OP's baby shouldn't either because yours didn't? You do know that all babies are different, right?

My first one stopped nights feeds at 7 months, the second was 18 months old. Never crossed my mind to deny my daughter night feeds from 7 months because her brother stopped.

My0My · 10/06/2020 09:39

I’m suggesting that it might be a compromise that the baby has fewer night feeds. (I used mine as an example). It’s ok to try and reduce these feeds if this is a division between this couple. This is a family and hopefully will remain one. Moving to a bottle could get dad involved. Women on their own without dad being around don’t have a great time either. I would seek help with this op because the confrontational attitude suggested by many could be even worse so you need to weigh it all up.

Runnerduck34 · 10/06/2020 09:41

Using sex as a reason to move her makes him sound an idiot and frankly would make me want sex with him less!
If she is regularly sleeping 12 hours a night 8pm-8am then i think it would be ok to move her to her own room. However i would say because of your health condition he will need to take on the settling, and going to her if she wakes in the night and if he cant commit to that then she stays in your room. Emotionally Its really hard to you move a baby to its own room and the practicality of getting sufficient sleep trumps sex every time!

My0My · 10/06/2020 09:41

If my experience is irrelevant then so are the experiences of all those who fed at night for much longer. Personal experience is often quoted on MN so don’t just pick on me because you find that easy because it’s not your experience.

pointythings · 10/06/2020 09:45

My0My you are missing the point. No-one on here is saying all babies need night feeds. We're just pointing out that some do and some don't, because all kids are different. OP's baby does. Baby's welfare should come before DH's desire for sex - when you decide to have a family, things change. You are suggesting that a man who demanded baby be moved so he could have more sex should be appeased - that isn't ok.

ladycarlotta · 10/06/2020 11:51

to be honest, even if the baby DIDN'T have/need night feeds, he would still have no right to kick her out of the room she currently sleeps in. My baby had long phases of sleeping through from 8 weeks (curse you, sleep regressions! And do bear in mind that just bc your baby sleeps through at 9 months doesn't mean they won't start waking at 10 months), but I still didn't want to sleep separately from her - I slept much better being near her and knowing she was OK - and my partner was fine with that.

He moved into the spare room quite early on, and after 6 months I started going to bed with him in there (with the option for sex if we wanted it), and then going through to the little one when she woke, sleeping the rest of the night with her. Now at 15 months my partner and I share a bed and the baby sleeps happily alone all night.

OP, do what's right for you and your baby. This is not forever, and her needs are much less negotiable than his: a baby should not be accommodating a grown-ass MAN. If your husband doesn't like how things are, he can sleep somewhere else.

AlmostAlwyn · 10/06/2020 20:02

@My0My "Moving to a bottle could get dad involved"

Hmm

There's a hundred other things dad can do besides feeding to be "involved" with the baby. He just needs to think more about others and less about his penis Angry

User0ne · 10/06/2020 20:40

Hmmm

For bf babies the advice is not to try reducing night feeds until at least 12months. Obviously if you're lucky enough to have a lo who doesn't want to feed overnight then crack on.

The key goes back to whether you want to have sex with your "d"h. Assuming you want sex why not do it elsewhere?

Personally I have 2 D's (3.5 and 2.5), youngest sleeps in with us. We rarely have sex in our bed; the spare room sees most of the action.

Being tired, unhappy or having arguments leads to immediate reductions in the amount of sex we have.

Its possible that your DH is unaware how much you night feed; mine was surprised at how much our 2yo feeds overnight - I started trying to reduce them 6months ago which temporarily resulted in lots of nighttime noise

Ugzbugz · 10/06/2020 23:39

@My0My no night feeds doesnt mean no sleepless nights. My DC didny sleep through until about 4.

Formula isnt some miracle cure to get them to sleep through and nor should be used like that and people moan breastfeeding people shame formula feeders Angry

2007Millie · 10/06/2020 23:44

@Ugzbugz she hasn't shamed breastfeeding mums, calm down, you're just looking for a reason to get offended.

2007Millie · 10/06/2020 23:45

@Ugzbugz

In fact, looking carefully back, @My0my didn't even mention formula! So yes, you really are looking for a fuss

Cuntycovid · 10/06/2020 23:55

@JustC 7 year old ?? Why on earth does your 7 year old sleep.in your bed I'm sorry but I find that strange

2007Millie · 10/06/2020 23:58

@Cuntycovid

Why on earth is a child who needs reassurance for whatever reason strange?
I doubt the PP wanted to give you her life story, but chances are there is a reason.
Maybe try not being so judgemental?

Cuntycovid · 11/06/2020 00:19

@2007Millie

I didnt say the child was strange at all , I said I found the situation strange as iv never heard of a child that age sleeping with parents, it's something iv never heard of so to me yes that is strange
You cant control people.posts on here people are allowed to post their views you are not mumsnet police so wind your neck in

NamechangeOnceMore · 11/06/2020 00:43

@Ugzbugz, @My0My didn't mention formula. Breastfeeding parents can bottle-feed using EBM. I don't think this is a breast vs formula thing.

birthdaybelle · 11/06/2020 00:54

He's being a dick. But, sex doesn't have to be in bed at bedtime. If you want more sex (and only if YOU want to) then factor it I NBC to your day (in the kitchen during baby's nap time, in front of the TV in the evening, in the shower etc etc

2007Millie · 11/06/2020 07:15

@Cuntycovid
Oh well aren't you an absolute delight!

Cuntycovid · 11/06/2020 07:42

@2007Millie
Why because you have been corrected and put straight wen you said I called a child strange and I didnt ? Big difference between that and what I actually said which is that I find that an odd situation because I have never in 35 years of life heard of a seven year old still sleeping with their parents

2007Millie · 11/06/2020 07:53

@Cuntycovid

Put straight... oh how you've given me a chuckle. Something seems to have touched a nerve with you. Maybe go back to bed and get out the right side?

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