DH wants daughter to sleep in her own room

[WingingItThroughMumLife]

DH has come home from work today and demanded we are putting our DD (9months) in her own room because he's not getting enough sex ()

I don't feel ready to do this as I suffer with CFS/ME so if I don't get enough sleep I can't function. I also BF so I do all the nighttime wake up calls and have her in my bed for about 25% of the night but she sleeps most of the night between 8 and 8 I rarely struggle to settle her she just sometimes will wake up when I try to move her back to her bed!

So DH wants her in her own room starting tonight which means I will be trying to settle her in there and it will reduce my sleep and hers which will make us both cranky.

So AIBU (or selfish) for keeping her in with us until we reduce night feeds?

@AnnaBanana333 I spent 4 years in a relationship like yours. 13 years after leaving and a LOT of therapy later and it's still tough. Hugs.

Any man that wants sex this much with a 9 month old baby isn't doing enough housework and baby care IMHO. We had a nightmare sleeper and I couldn't breastfeed. If I could have waved a magic wand and given my husband the gift of 8 to 8 sleeping he'd probably have agreed to never have sex again

If he is unhappy with his sex life he should try and find ways to get it back on track, not just demand!

Maybe him doing night feeds every weekend would be a good compromise, then after a while, with a few weekends rest, you may feel you have more energy for sex?

And while I agree that relationships are about compromise, I have massive issues with a man who has never done and will still presumably not do night wakings dictating something that will make his wife's life harder.

Of course he's fine with his child being in another room; it makes no difference to him because he's not the one doing the night wakings.

Her get short sharp how about fuck yourself

Did you have his slippers and pipe ready OP along with his 1950’s copy of the Daily Mail.

Is he offering to bring your DD to you when she needs feeding and to take her back+ settle her when you've both finished?

It will be tough for him... but you could consider it.

I'm guessing that his interest in sex might be dented a bit if he does this for a few nights :)

It's too bad that he made this about sex, because that sounds pretty nobbish. But maybe that's at least in part his way of saying he feels disconnected. He may also not realise that there are other reasons sex often goes by the wayside with an infant, he's just seeing the bed issue and thinks that's it.

However - I will say as someone who did extended breastfeeding and co-slept with four kids, that it is not a bad idea at the age your baby is to think about where you want to go with your feeding and sleeping arrangements, and that your husbands feelings about arrangements should be part of that.

A lot of first time moms fid it difficult to draw lines around breastfeeding, it's very emotional and also you are often just too tired. But a healthy nine month old baby can easily go through the night without nursing, and it's largely a matter of establishing a new habit. And if you suffer from lack of sleep it can make a huge difference to get to that point. But as the baby gets older it can actually become more difficult to change their habit, and you may also find that co-sleeping, instead of giving you more sleep, begins to give you less and less. Some babies become more active sleepers, some are too big, and sometimes they begin to wake more and more wanting to nurse constantly through the night.

If you should decide that night weaning might be worthwhile, your husband could play a huge role in that, and this business about wanting more sex etc could be a bit of a motivator.) It's often much more difficult for the mum to get the baby to sleep separately than it is for the dad, so the simplest way to deal with night weaning may be for the dad to take over bedtime and night wakings for a period.

Anyway - this s maybe not really the question you were asking, but it does seem like it might be a good opportunity to map out what you would like to do longterm with your sleeping arrangements.

Tell him to FO.

You’ve got to do what works for you. I hated co-sleeping but it’s always been my choice. Like you I did all the night feeds.

He doesn’t get to demand anything, nor to order OP around. And if he’s not doing at least 50% of night feeds and 50% of all parenting/shitwork/household work, he doesn’t get to pronounce on anything to do with baby or bed or sleep.

He gets to ask about having more sex nicely, discuss it and approach the whole subject in a grown-up, considerate way and most of all, with an understanding that OP is an autonomous person with her own feelings about sex and how much she wants of it. And that as she is this small child’s mother, she will be asked about what she wants to do in regards to sleep. Not told.

@WingingItThroughMumLife You keep your baby where you want her, for now.

If you would like more sex then discuss frankly and openly the ways in which your DH can work with you to make that happen.

I think that anything followed by "because I'm not getting enough sex" is automatically an invalid request.

If that was his exact words then I would tell him to F off, however he is allowed to have an opinion on the sleeping arrangements. 9 no is not too early to sleep in a separate room, maybe it will help to stop night feeding too.. Unless you want to feed the baby through the night which is of course only your choice

You should never feel pressured to have sex you don't want.

Equally, though, he doesn't have to stay in a low-sex or sexless marriage if he doesn't want to.

I'm falling about laughing at this post because our 6 year old still sleeps with either me or DH!!!!

You have a baby. A baby.

Well, the moment any man walked in and demanded changes to give him more sex, he'd be out the door.

@NamechangeOnceMore

You should never feel pressured to have sex you don't want.

Equally, though, he doesn't have to stay in a low-sex or sexless marriage if he doesn't want to.

Anyone can end any marriage at any time for any reason.

However, if any male friend of mine told me he ended a marriage with a 9 mo because he wasn't having enough sex, I'd think he was an arsehole. Mainly because he would be behaving like an arsehole.

@SauvignonGrower

I'm falling about laughing at this post because our 6 year old still sleeps with either me or DH!!!!

You have a baby. A baby.

Ours is 7 tomorrow. He says he'll move out when he's as old as daddy insert laugh/cry emoji 😁

Tell him to get to fuck!

We put DD in her own room at 6 months - I was Bfeeding - it was difficult. Up countless times through the night. Got it down to 2 wakings, then 1, then at 11 months she started sleeping right through. She's a great sleeper and very independent. So all the hard work paid off. Your man sounds a bit demanding but putting her in her own room could be good for you sleepwise (eventually), for her, and for your relationship.

If your man is a full time nob, then get him told. We all have off days. I remember really missing my DH after having a baby, and he was right there beside me the whole time, I loved our new life with a baby, but I still missed when it was just us. Maybe your Man feels something like that but is rubbish with words. You'll know him better than anyone, but don't go taking shit.

Just to play devils advocate but have you thought that maybe DH thinks that if she was in her own room there might be less/no night wakings, allowing you to get a better night's sleep (and be more willing for sex 🙄)? You say at the end of your post that your aibu is about keeping her in with you until you reduce night feeds, but when do you think you will be ready to do that? At 9 months most babies are usually capable of going through the night without nutritionally needing a feed. Is it a comfort thing for her and perhaps if she was away from you and an on tap milk supply, she might start sleeping through and settling in other ways? Would he get up and go to her room to comfort her if needed?

I'd tell him his selfish dickhead behaviour is unlikely to result in sex.

I'd say fine and then order a twin bed to go in the nursery and start sleeping there with the baby. Chances are you'll get better sleep without him anyway.

If he seriously walked in the door from work and right off the bat demanded DD be moved, I'd be inclined to wonder who the fuck he's been talking to. I'm NOT hinting he's cheating, just that it sounds like someone has put a flea in his ear. Does he have nobbish friends?

No one, NO ONE, has the right to expect sex, let alone demand it. I don't care how old you are or how long you've been married/coupled, sex should be a joyful coming together not something you are bullied or emotionally blackmailed into doing to shut the other person up.

I'd much rather have sex that was enthusiastic and loving on both our parts twice per month than have sex twice per week with my husband looking upon it as a duty or to shut me up. It's too bad most men don't see it that way.

There are two separate issues here.

we moved our daughter out at 5 months and it was the right time for her. She slept better we slept better it was a win win (and yes, she still fed in the night until she was 14 month and she was breastfed up to the year). We would split the nights and I would pump so DP could do nights. It was a discussion between parents and an agreement with how we would proceed.
But, what worked for us won’t work for everyone.

Are you sure he just doesn’t want you two to be alone and have some intimacy (which might not mean sex). I remember a male friend confiding in me that when his wife gave birth he felt she was 100% a mother and was 0% a wife. It wasn’t as if he wanted sex but he wanted his partner back a bit. He wanted a conversation that wasn’t about their child. He wanted to go out for dinner without the baby.

That’s always stuck with me.

Move your daughter into another room and move her!

I meant move in with her!

I mean, the sooner the better for getting them in their own room really for ease of transition (in my opinion) BUT sex isn't a reason to do it!

I’d be asking why this demand came from him when he’s just come home from work. Who has he been discussing your sex life with?