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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants daughter to sleep in her own room

160 replies

WingingItThroughMumLife · 09/06/2020 14:11

DH has come home from work today and demanded we are putting our DD (9months) in her own room because he's not getting enough sex (Hmm)

I don't feel ready to do this as I suffer with CFS/ME so if I don't get enough sleep I can't function. I also BF so I do all the nighttime wake up calls and have her in my bed for about 25% of the night but she sleeps most of the night between 8 and 8 I rarely struggle to settle her she just sometimes will wake up when I try to move her back to her bed!

So DH wants her in her own room starting tonight which means I will be trying to settle her in there and it will reduce my sleep and hers which will make us both cranky.

So AIBU (or selfish) for keeping her in with us until we reduce night feeds?

OP posts:
ButteryPuffin · 09/06/2020 14:30

DH wants her in her own room starting tonight

"..Or what?" would be my response. Though you might prefer 'Well, I want a full night's proper sleep but that's not going to be happening either'.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 09/06/2020 14:30

What a creep. That kind of behaviour would make me want to keep well away from him.

Pikachubaby · 09/06/2020 14:30

Unshaken, really?

People still have sex after having babies

Hence some people having more than 1 child Grin

IagoWithABlackberry · 09/06/2020 14:33

DC's father demanded this when they were two months old. Both them and I moved into a different room with toddler DD. And, soon after, into a different house.
I have no idea how much sex he gets now.

winniesanderson · 09/06/2020 14:33

Fuck that. My eldest dc's father revealed this charming side to his personality, amongst other things, shortly after birth. By 6 months I'd had enough and we were well separated by their first birthday. I find nagging and demanding sex one of the ultimate turn offs. Especially when shattered with a young child. Just comes across as a selfish lack of respect. No one ever died due to lack of sex. I do feel it's important in a relationship don't get me wrong, but I feel an adult should be able to understand that their sexual needs don't come first when there's a small child and a tired partner to think about.
A decade later I am in a relationship with someone else and have a two year old who still breastfeeds at times, especially at night and 99.9999% of the time ends up in our bed at some point. We just get on with it together and moan about it or laugh about it. Have sex when we can and just leave it when we can't. It's not forever.
If your dp feels so strongly about your dc being in their own room I'd suggest that he can do all the running around.

Haffiana · 09/06/2020 14:34

No problem. Just move yourself into her room as well.

Seriously, I would leave my partner if he said something like this. Not because of the baby's needs or the ME, but because he is an utter cunt.

BubblyBarbara · 09/06/2020 14:34

It's easy to act offended but you might get a better result from him if you acknowledge his feelings while still saying no. Basically say what you did in your post here but also say look I understand you aren't getting enough sex and I know it must be difficult but the baby is more important right now.

AnnaBanana333 · 09/06/2020 14:38

I'm hyper alert to this kind of thing because of past experiences, but does he make you feel pressured to "give" him sex in other ways?

My ex-husband did and I still have nightmares about it five years after we separated. The effect of that constant pressure has affected me in so many ways.

Cocobean30 · 09/06/2020 14:41

Wow he sounds like a charmer. Please tell us more about his behaviour and poor treatment of you. And tell him to fuck off.

SnackSizeRaisin · 09/06/2020 14:44

It's more important to maximise sleep than anything else. Perhaps you need to communicate to your husband that you will feel more like having sex if he is actually nice to you. Anyway no reason you can't have sex with the baby in the room. That is probably not the real reason.

paap1975 · 09/06/2020 14:46

Lots of people here seem to forget that parenting decisions need to be made together. Both for the sake of the child and for the sake of the relationship.

He has brought it up because he is unhappy, but you need to explain to him in detail why you think the request is unreasonable. From there, you probably both need to compromise.

Davespecifico · 09/06/2020 14:47

So if you do go along with this and have sex with him tonight, you’re really going to enjoy it, aren’t you.... not! So not far off rape really.

In what other ways is he unpleasant/makes you feel uncomfortable?

Megatron · 09/06/2020 14:48

Who made him the fucking King of the house? That whole attitude would make me never want to have sex with him again.

Davespecifico · 09/06/2020 14:49

And why won’t he be the one trying to settle her?

HappyDinosaur · 09/06/2020 14:49

Good job there's a spare room for him to go into I think.

Quartz2208 · 09/06/2020 14:50

Keep her with you until you are ready

And you have a real DH problem he sounds truly awful putting his need to have sex ahead of his DD and his wife. WHat a delight

TheABC · 09/06/2020 14:51

Another vote for you moving into Dd's room with her. Cosleeping saved my sanity. His dick won't drop off in the meantime.

Regularsizedrudy · 09/06/2020 14:52

Soo has he always been a total prick or did this character trait suddenly appear after the birth of your child?

Clymene · 09/06/2020 14:52

Isn't it up to you how much sex you have with him?

Hi attitude would make me never to want to have sex with him again

Rubyroost · 09/06/2020 14:53

You do what you want. But, this is a separate issue to your husband, I found after I moved my baby at 8 months the night feeds also stopped too. Was so nice to finally get some proper sleep.

JustC · 09/06/2020 14:55

@paap1975

Lots of people here seem to forget that parenting decisions need to be made together. Both for the sake of the child and for the sake of the relationship.

He has brought it up because he is unhappy, but you need to explain to him in detail why you think the request is unreasonable. From there, you probably both need to compromise.

He hasn't brought it up or discussed it with her. he TOLD her to do it. Major diff.
AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 09/06/2020 14:55

You say he demanded - is he an out and out abusive bully who you're afraid of? Do you feel unsafe?

Assuming that's not the case and you feel safe, it is very weird that he's come home from work and demanded it happens tonight, out of the blue.

Tell him DD going into her own room means night weaning, which he will have to do.

Night weaning from the breast is best done by the parent who can't breastfeed as they don't smell of milk. So he'll go and pick her up and comfort her and offer her water to drink when she wakes in the night.

Sex can resume - if you're comfortable with it - once he's got night weaning sorted and she's no longer waking in the night. Obviously if she does wake he'll go to her because of your medical issues.

ScarfLadysBag · 09/06/2020 14:56

Twat. Why can't you have sex elsewhere in the house? Is he that lacking in imagination? Although I wouldn't even be wanting sex with him after this little episode anyway.

DD is 16mo and I co-sleep with her (that way we all get a full night's sleep) but DH and I have sex just fine! It's just rarely in our bed!

Fink · 09/06/2020 14:56

He's being an absolute arse about demanding sex over the welfare of his wife and child. My MIL (who was living with us at the time) persuaded me to move DC1 into her own room far too young, on the grounds that she would sleep better there. It was a disaster and her sleeping got much worse. Listen to your own instincts about what's right for DC and do that, not what will get your DH more sex.

Merename · 09/06/2020 14:56

He sounds to be coming from a view that he has a right to sex with you. And the fact you are asking makes me think you are in that camp too. Yes sex is an important part of most relationships, but the idea of ‘conjugal rights’ is outdated bullshit that leads to pressure and ultimately rape of women.

And not even getting started on how ridiculous it is to think you just move a baby into their own room and everything goes well - if that is what you wanted you’d be advised to spend time playing in there, helping her get used to the space first.

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