DH wants daughter to sleep in her own room

[WingingItThroughMumLife]

DH has come home from work today and demanded we are putting our DD (9months) in her own room because he's not getting enough sex ()

I don't feel ready to do this as I suffer with CFS/ME so if I don't get enough sleep I can't function. I also BF so I do all the nighttime wake up calls and have her in my bed for about 25% of the night but she sleeps most of the night between 8 and 8 I rarely struggle to settle her she just sometimes will wake up when I try to move her back to her bed!

So DH wants her in her own room starting tonight which means I will be trying to settle her in there and it will reduce my sleep and hers which will make us both cranky.

So AIBU (or selfish) for keeping her in with us until we reduce night feeds?

Why are you with this jerk? Why did you have a baby with him?
9m is very young; you're BF; you do all the night wake up calls; you need sleep etc etc. What does he say to all this? His entitlement to SEX overrides all this? Overrides your wellbeing and baby's wellbeing?
How could he be so unbelievably selfish? I would never be able to have sex willingly with a man like that. I would have to split up. I hope you're ok OP.

@paap1975

Lots of people here seem to forget that parenting decisions need to be made together. Both for the sake of the child and for the sake of the relationship.

He has brought it up because he is unhappy, but you need to explain to him in detail why you think the request is unreasonable. From there, you probably both need to compromise.

No one is forgetting that at all @paap1975. The OP said that he came home and demanded that their baby be moved into another room because he isn't getting his end away often enough.

How on earth is that a 'parenting decision made together'? In what world is that OK? And what adult needs this 'you need to explain to him in detail why you think the request is unreasonable'? Is he that thick that he can't work out why a sleep-deprived woman may not wish to become even more sleep deprived just so that he gets more sex?

Compromise isn't about doing what someone else tells you to do - not in my book anyway - it's about sensible discussion, not someone making demands.

Whether you put DD in her own room is up to you. But I would make sure from now on you 'accidentally' wake him up every time your DD does - especially if she is in her own room - and see how much energy he has for sex then.

@JustC

If hubs had told me that at any stage, I would have said fuck off. 7yo bloody still sleeps with me, not for lack of trying to get him into his room, and we just make do. We both want our boy to move to his room, because we'd both like more spontaneity to sex, but neither has ever pressuref the other. I like to say I am paying him conjugal visits after DC is asleep. Your husband sounds like a selfish prat. Sorry to be so blunt.

Not sure your experience of having your 7 year old still sleeping with you is going to reassure OP TBQHWY.

He sounds really horrible, I'm sorry you're having to put up with someone like that. Does he not want to put his child first? I honestly couldn't be with a man who didn't.

My 2.5year old is still sleeping in my bed because he's happy there and we all sleep. DH sleeps in the nursery (full size adult bed). We still have a very loving relationship and plenty of sex, in fact I'm (very) newly pregnant again so it's clearly still happening. We just meet up in the other room/landing/stairs/sofa etc!! It's quite exciting.

My husband adores our little boy and would always put his needs first.

Does he acknowledge your CFS/ME as a real illness? Or does he just pay lip service to it So many people still regard this as a made up illness.

If he does then he would not be behaving like this.

I am exactly the same OP! Cfs sufferer and bf baby. 16 months and she still mostly co sleeps as I need to sleep to be able to function. The difference being my partner is incredibly understanding and accepting of that and has never once suggested or pressured me into a ) sex or b) moving her into her own room. Infact all hes done is offer to help in anyway he can and wishes she would take a bottle every so often to give me some respite from it. Weve just been creative with our sex life a little!

Your dh (and I use that term begrudgingly!!) Needs a bloody wake up call. Tell him to go stuff it! How dare he demand that you put your daughter through that and your health just because he wants a leg over! It would honestly make me never want to touch him again and probably ltb!
If he had come to you in a different approach and said can we look at gradually getting her in her own bed as I miss the closeness etc, I'll support you however i can. Then i think I'd have a very different response but his attitude and entitlement has made me angry for you!!

What a selfish wanker he is.
Just say no and tell him that this display of unparental "me me me" machismo is deeply unattractive and certainly does not encourage you to want to have sex with him.

Ugh.

Eurgh! I would say fine she can be in her room tonight but I'll also be sleeping in there with her from now on!

I’d be interrelated to hear the exact conversation because he’s either a complete arsehole or is worried about lack of intimacy in your relationship and doesn’t want the baby in your shared bed at 9 months old. Depending on exactly what he said and how he said it.

Ultimately though, the problems are there because you’re the only one that can tend to the baby at night. You clearly can’t tell him to do so because your bf. If you’re ok with that then crack on and tell him no. If you’d like to redress the balance of parenting in your house you could suggest that you will try baby out in their own room but that he’s responsible for halfback the night wakings and can give the baby a bottle.

I sympathise with your situation but honestly I can see why so many relationships come under strain when one person is exhausted and resentful doing all night wakings and the other doesn’t understand that and just feels like they’ve lost their partner. One of the many reasons I would never bf again having done it both ways. It makes team work very difficult indeed especially at night.

OP if your husband is not an arsehole and is generally a reasonable human being then you need to sit down and discuss this and find ways to make the situation work for everyone. If he’s just a knob who wants sex regardless of your feelings then the only advice I can give is to prepare to leave him.

Ridiculous, mine coslept through to school age and it didn't affect our sex life - you get creative. You have other rooms right . But you don't need to go to bed with you baby by 9 months, settle them and go back downstairs for some adult time

Having a baby that sleeps in our bed has led me and my partner to have quite a few conversations about sex and the impact on us. It has changed our sex lives and has left us both a bit frustrated at times. Occasionally my partner has made jokes about it which has pissed me off, but I think that was due to awkwardness. The way your husband has spoken to you sounds awful and very unrealistic. Once your willing to speak to him it sounds like you need a serious conversation about it.

Um, no!

Surely this is something you discuss, not something he just declares has to change? And if you do decide it’s going to change, surely you don’t just do it right now?

FWIW, DD and I coslept for over 2 years. We left the sheets on in the spare room in case we fancied some sex - is that an option here?

Bit concerned that it’s all about his needs. Lots of people have a big drop in sex during the first year, I think that’s pretty normal. I was tired a lot, and also felt quite “touched out” from breastfeeding, so was often not in the mood. If you don’t feel like it, your DH might need to be patient. A marriage is about the needs of BOTH participants.

Personally, I’d agree to his request on the understanding that he is responsible for all night wakings once your daughter’s gone to bed. You resume duty from 7am.

Then see how much he wants her in her own room!

He is demanding sex? Why doesn't he just leave you a tenner on the bedside table when he's finished!!!
Whether the baby is in your room, own room or sat on the roof has nothing to do with it.
His attitude on the other hand has everything to do with it.
Id give him a box of Kleenex and a condom before sending him along for a posh wank.
That would be my total input to his pathetic whining.

which means I will be trying to settle her in there and it will reduce my sleep and hers which will make us both cranky
Why will YOU be trying to settle her?
If HE wants her in her own room then HE settles her and he deals with any night time wake ups! Can he do that? NOPE!!!
While you are settling and breastfeeding then YOU decide what is best for you and baby.
Don't let him dictate this to you.
You will know when YOU are ready!

Tell him he can sleep in another room, but right now, having the baby with you works best for you and your sleep, which is a necessity in life. More sex isn't.

We put dd in her own room at 6 weeks. She was breastfed but slept through and we all got a better nights sleep this way.
Difference being we both discussed it. If I hadn't been happy, or dh for that matter it wouldn't have happened.
And as for demanding sex? That's a definite turn off.
If you still want baby in your room then he'll just have to get used to the idea if you're not comfortable with it.

@Megan2018

Jesus Christ!

There are no words for this. I’d actually divorce my husband if he said this (mine is 9 months too).

What on earth do you see in him?!

^^ This!

Collaborate, it wasn't meant as a reassurance, just a fact of life. You might notice another pister aaid her 6yo syill sleeps with ine of them. Somteimes life works like that. If my husband had her husbands arttitude about getting back to sex while working child logistics, I would rather be a single mum.

What an arse!

If he'd said you need to move DD because he thinks she's ready/he'd like to give it a try to see how she adapts/he thinks you or him is disturbing her sleep or anything else remotely reasonable then it would warrant a decent discussion and plan for next steps.

Declaring she has to move because he's not getting enough sex is selfish and speaks volumes about how he views you.

If my husband was stupid enough to utter this sentence he'd definitely know what I thought about his suggestion that no baby in the room means definite sex on the cards and baby wouldn't be moved to her own room for several months!

You say at the end of your post that your aibu is about keeping her in with you until you reduce night feeds, but when do you think you will be ready to do that? At 9 months most babies are usually capable of going through the night without nutritionally needing a feed.

Yeah, a lot of babies will not reduce night feeds if they are right next to mom. With all four of mine they actually did the opposite, they started to increase them, to the point where they wouldn't sleep without a boob in their mouth, and that included naps.

DD was in my bed until she was 2.5 and I still didnt want her to move out... I have an older child with ASD and having ONE child that slept well made all the difference, and she slept beautifully when we co-slept.

Tell your H no, while you're still doing night feeds, she stays with you.

Few things I'd want to talk to him about first.

1. What knobhead of a workmate came up with this little gem of advice, seeing he's wrong.
2. I don't have sex with dictators not sure if you would
3. Sex can happen anywhere you like, not just in the bedroom at night on the bed. But then again he needs to know about number 2.

Tell him his self absorption and unreasonableness are the biggest contraception going.

I couldn’t abide this