Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.

In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.

I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.

She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.

They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

You are not being unreasonable about the cold sores and kissing.
Your baby. Your rules.

I would NOT have MIL & FIL doing child care when you return to work, they've already shown they'll disregard your wishes.

Find a nursery or child minder and save your sanity.

I'd also sell the house and move away, whose idea was it to live 300m from them?

Can i ask how your DH feels about all this?? And I hope that you are as stringent with your own parents??

So cavities are a mouth infection now? So antibiotics will cure cavities? They don't need filling, a hole in the tooth will disappear with antibiotics? Are you hearing yourself?!

Ignoring the cold sore/cavity/cutlery exchange, you’d be very daft not to get proper childcare for your baby when you go back to work. This will drive you crazy, feeling like you can’t trust your in laws and that they lie to you.

My husband is on board with me about no kissing and no utenzils.... He doesn't know how to handle the lying, though. He's not very vocal in general and very easy going.

You're worried about your child sharing utensils? Wait until they go to nursery! I didn't know not sharing utensils was a thing. My family do it all the time...

Also, I've never had a cold sore.

Natashabobasha1 Tue 09-Jun-20 06:21:12

I'm American. I think the writing style sounds insane to people on mumsnet. I wrote an identical thread on the US site and people were calling for the death of my inlaws

I'm in the US too, and speaking as someone whose MIL 'didn't believe' in food allergies .

You are right about the cold sores. My mum gets them and is scrupulous about physical contact with other people, kept her own bath towel, face towel and washcloth, mug, glass, forks and spoons separate and used bleach and boiling water to wash her own things separately from everyone else's when I was growing up. No-one else at home ever got cold sores.

The sharing utensils, cups, in your own family/cavities thing - let that go. It detracts from your message about herpes. Start using baby toothpaste as soon as there are teeth to brush. Relax.

Is it strange to limit people putting saliva in your baby's oral cavities?
It is a bit strange to be so adamant about it, yes, and it's a little bit ocd to see the issue and express it that way.
You are not going to be able to protect your baby from every germ out there, and in fact it would be very unhealthy for your baby to be so protected. Babies and small children need exposure to bacteria and microbes of all kinds in order to build up a strong immune system and a healthy diversity of gut flora and fauna.

Getting all hot and bothered about bacteria from mommy or daddy's spoon that could cause cavities when baby's first year is spent crawling around licking and chewing everything she can lay her hands on, even dabbling her hands in the toilet if she can get at it, is an indication that maybe you need to talk to your doctor about anxiety.

Cavities are far less of a problem than being parented by a mother who lets her anxiety run away with her. Over protectiveness is a peril of parenting that you need to avoid. It can blight a childhood.

On the topic of the ILs just swanning in - this is very irritating of them. They should have more respect for your privacy. They should appreciate that you might like a rest if you get the chance. The lockdown must have been a pleasant time for you.

You need to find different babysitters. Start looking for an alternative arrangement ASAP.
Presumably there are waiting lists for any local daycare centers? Would you be able to afford a nanny until a spot opens up in a daycare? Would you be open to a nanny share option? How much can you tighten your belts to afford independence from the ILs and peace of mind?

The situation with the ILs is not at all healthy. They are too involved in your lives, and it seems you and your H have invited them in, but maybe they elbowed their way in?
Whose idea was it to buy a house so close to theirs?
Why couldn't you wait to buy until you had the whole down payment saved?
Whose idea was it that they would babysit when you return to work?

Quite honestly, since you and your H seem not to be able to afford your lifestyle without the financial support of the ILs, I can see how they might have got the idea that they can disregard your concerns about privacy and contagion. You and H need to look closely at where you can save money to afford a different childcare option. Maybe pay back what the ILs gave for your downpayment?

But do have a chat with your doctor about anxiety and protectiveness run amok too.

clearly I'm just threatened by the thought of someone spitting in DDs mouth.

I've just got an idea... why don't you one of the clear COVID protective fully shielded head masks for your child?

Problem solved.

Yes, you're right. It's a trust issue, 100%

I'm just as stringent with my own family...but my family doesn't lie to me. We have open ended discussions and they can't see why my in-laws would lie.

Give Matt Hancock a call, maybe he'll let you take the stage today to spread the word about cold sores

Then maybe when everybody has heard you you can go away and realise that sometimes there are things you just cant change, however frustrating that may be.

OP I think you are the one who is the problem here. You are being completely over the top and it isn't good for your child to grow up with so much anxiety.

I share utensils with my family. But I'm an adult....

Tbf I would lie to you because you sound like a bloody nightmare. Do people come in your house to a full body search? Are photos taken of faces before and after and daily photos demanded to check the spread of cold sores?!?

My mother gave me cold sores as a child. I rarely get them and I’m adamant my children won’t. There’s no need whatsoever to be mental about it though. Likewise, I appreciate not wanting other relatives to kiss your child on the mouth anyway but let's let mouth kissing be a lover's thing and swapping spit be for sex, thank you “a lover’s thing” and “swapping spit” sounds fucking insane. You sound mental. Nothing wrong with kissing your own child on the mouth.

I can’t even with the utensils etc. Maybe you’re right but your description sounds psychotic as well. For goodness sake.

Isn’t life too short for
This level of anxiety, stress and drama?

You need to seek help before you pass this health obsession/paranoia onto your child

You could send her the nhs link on why not to kiss babies if you have coldsores? And sorry I think you might need to think about paying their house deposit back - nice gesture but if your f’n’law is peering in windows it’s because he feels he can. Nhs link: www.nhs.uk/conditions/neonatal-herpes/

*athanxiety yes, maybe moving house is in order. You are right.

You cannot leave your baby with people who tend to lie, whether it's big lies or small ones. Trust is so important when you leave your baby for the day.

Not sure if that remark on moving house was tongue in cheek or otherwise, but it would actually solve a few issues if you could do it...

neveranynamesleft I'm done accepting what I can't change. I'm going to change the things I cannot accept.

Wow you sound like great fun your baby is not the first baby to ever grace the world and don’t blame grandparents if they lose interest. You sound like hard work and actually quite deranged.

Cold sores are not exactly the end of the world yes would be ideal to avoid if possible it in school nursery bound to pick them up. Just enjoy your baby and stop treating those around you like crap just because you have a baby.

Also go back to work a bit of balance is always good

Mathanxiety I am serious! You are right!

I confess I scanned your post and I don’t know if you’re super agitated or this is a windup as it’s a bit OTT. However you’re the parent and it’s your rules not theirs that they must follow.

If you don’t trust them, then put your kid in childcare and don’t have them babysit.

Is your baby only 4 months? If so you have a point with little babies immune systems and catching herpes, you really don’t want that to happen when they’re little as it can be serious, see
www.nhs.uk/conditions/neonatal-herpes/

I get the ick thing with the PILs sharing utensils with your baby, would you want to eat off the same spoon they’d just slurped on, no it’s gross. But you as the parent feeding her off the same spoon you’re using, why not as long as there’s not too much backwash.

But chill a bit, at some point you’ll end up picking a dummy or favourite toy off a shopping centre floor and giving it straight back to your toddler, they do survive.

This is surely a wind up

You can't have it both ways

You sound like one of those annoying people who expect free childcare from family members and happy to accept financial handouts etc but want to micromanage EXACTLY what goes on while free childcare is being provided. NOTHING will be done to a satisfactory standard and you'll be constantly moaning about your in-laws while continuing to expect their support and money

Why did you ask when you don’t like the answers? Did you only want people to reply who would agree?